Month: April 2008

I finally figured out a way around asking my Mama if I could have my boys come over. Being the courteous person that I am, I used to ask each time I wanted to see them and her favorite word, (even when I was little), is “NO!”
Once I asked her why she says No so much and she said, “It’s the first thing that comes to my mind.” Then she laughed.

But something clicked in my mind and I tried it and it worked. Instead of asking her, I just do what I want to do. So when the boys called me to tell me they were on their way back in town, I told them to tell their Dad to drop them off. She couldn’t say No once they were here! Voila! And instead of asking if they could spend their Spring Break week with us, I just told them that they were– again– no denial.

~scratching head~ I wonder how long this will last.

Anyway..So I’m soo excited! I get to spend every night with my boys for a week straight. On Sunday we went to the store to buy a bathing suit for me since I don’t have one and it’s now BEACH WEATHER! As I tried on suits that I let the boys choose they were running up and down the aisles screaming, “It’s a LARGE, it’s a LARGE! Here you go Mama! This one will fit!”

Grrrrrr….. I have gained some weight. No more fast food for me.

We then went to the beach for a couple of hours and did the whole “jump the wave” and “build sandcastles” thing. Then this morning I woke up at 5am to plan a scavenger hunt for them. The scavenger hunt had clues that led them to more clues and when they found the final clue they had to unscramble the words to find out what we were doing for our activity for today.

1) 1 plus 1 is 2 and 1 plus 2 is THREE.
When we PLAY, WRESTLE and SING
We do it on the ??????
Answer: The Wii

3) I am not a toy,
but when you use me you have FUN
You wear sneakers or tennis shoes when you jump on me
You use me to walk or ????
Answer: The Treadmill

5) I keep you nice and clean
You use me every day without a FUSS
I give you big and bright, pearly WHITES
I am your ????
Answer: Toothbrush

Final Clue: Where are we going today?

W I G M S I N M

Then we hung out until noon and went to lunch and then to the community pool to swim. On our way back we grabbed a chocolate cake to celebrate my parents anniversary and then we changed out of our wet suits and got ready for dinner. My 7 year old kept asking me to show him how to make an avater so I signed my son up for his very own E-MAIL address and showed him how to check it and send emails and then we designed his avatar.

When their Daddy came by to drop off clothes for them he asked them if they were having fun and they shouted, “YES!”

“Daddy! Tomorrow a new Burger King is opening up and we’re going!” my 7 year old announced proudly.

I almost choked. Sure..their Dad just took them to a cabin in the mountains for a real vacation and here I am..taking them to Burger King and they are equally as excited. ~smile~ I love my kids!

Each morning we wake up and my sons kiss me and say, “Goodmorning Mama..”

I really feel like I’m in heaven…

I’m not sure if life could get any better than this…

This really gave me chills…

I woke up today with this question on my mind…

I’m stable enough now to explore it, and so I will.

Did I create God?

No, I’m not talking about in the sense that it was ME who first created the universe. I’m more so speaking of the fact that my BELIEF in God gives Him a distinct existence in my life. If I didn’t believe in Him, I would never attribute any of my blessings or trials to His will.

What if I didn’t believe in miracles? I would probably attribute anything fantastic that happens to me…to pure good luck, wouldn’t I?

I think our belief in anything gives it power and our attention to that belief causes us to view circumstances through the vantage point of that belief.

I know religion is a touchy subject because everyone believes their faith to be the one true faith but really…a religious conviction is just a strong belief, a deep seeded pattern of thought that you happen to agree with. But I’ll step away from religion and talk about my relationships to men and how my beliefs affect those to avoid offending anyone.

If I truly believed that God had a perfect person for me and that person could never be kept from me or taken away, then I wouldn’t be upset when any man walked out of my life. I’d have to look at it as if God was removing yet another person who didn’t belong with me. But if I didn’t believe that there was a God, or I didn’t believe in the concept of soulmates, chances are I’d grasp on to any person who I thought was cool, just because I want a companion. And guess what? Neither belief guarantees a successful relationship, so no one can say which is better.

Our beliefs affect every facet of our lives and shape the way we view our reality. Two people could have the exact same experience, and because of their beliefs, one could become traumatized and another joyful.

Take for instance two people who’s car was stolen on the same day. One person cried out in agony because they know that they can’t afford another car, while the other person cried out in joy because they believe that when they lose something it is because something better is on the way.

Because the first person BELIEVES that they can not replace their car, they probably won’t even try, affirming their belief. The second person will probably be on the lookout for their upgrade and will be more likely to identify an opportunity when it presents itself. Do you get it?

There are no wrong beliefs in regards to religion or our perspectives on dealing with the circumstances in our lives. The area we need to work on is aligning our beliefs to those that will provide us with the greatest joy and peace of mind.

People all over are searching for TRUTH when they don’t realize that any TRUTH is their choice. Any TRUTH is their belief system, their hearts viewing their reality through their own unique lens.

Whatever your belief, do it with passion, live it with conviction and be sure that it connects you to whatever feeling you want to experience most. If Buddha gets you closer to inner peace, practice that more. If fasting and praying helps you to believe God will work quicker for you, then do that.
If the fear of condemnation is the only way that you will walk a righteous path then continue to live in fear.

Wow..I’m finally understanding what the saying means, “We create our reality.” Our beliefs provide the distinct viewpoint in which we react to the things, people and circumstances that are in our environment.

We create our happiness or pleasure through our beliefs. We create our success or failure through our beliefs.

What do you believe? What are you creating? If it doesn’t serve you well in life, all you have to do is change it.

I was having a great conversation with a man I met online. We never talk on the phone or anything but when I see him come on I’m always so excited because we exchange ideas and challenge each other on philosopy and that intrigues me.

Tonight we discussed living a life of purpose and he said that he was was searching for a meaning and purpose in his life. At that moment I realized that I have stepped away from my purpose driven life.

In the past I had this vision for myself. I saw myself as a successful speaker, writer and teacher and I was hell bent on making it happen as quickly as possible. Even when I achieved substantial steps toward my goal, I was never satisfied knowing that I wasn’t EXACTLY where I wanted to be.

“This means nothing!” I would tell myself. “I’m still not THERE yet!”

Oh how things have changed.

THERE seems to be a nice pleasant daydream now. I still believe that one day I will be THERE, but now I’m not so hard on myself and I’m learning to enjoy the day by day. When I get THERE I don’t want to have a memory filled with crushing strides, I want to savor each moment of the process so that I will appreciate being THERE even more.

I guess I figure that even if for some absurd reason I never get THERE, I’ll at least have enjoyed my existence instead of rushing and condemning myself for not reaching my goal.

I’m cool where I am and as long as my sons are well taken care of and I’m eating everyday and writing my little heart out, like Mary J. says, “My life’s JUST FINE…”

My boys and I spent the afternoon at the pool in Hialeah. They charge extra for admission if you aren’t a resident of that city but my boys enjoyed their time there. They have all kind of play areas and slides and it was PACKED just like those summer movie pool scenes. I thought that was cool.

Afterwards we were all tired so we came on home and washed up and took a quick nap before dinner and I headed to class.

~sigh~

I sometimes feel like I’m a fucking alien on this planet. Does anyone have issues besides me?

So tonight’s presentation for my Human Sexuality class was about telling the story of an experience where we were assigned to do something sexual related that would push us past our limits to expand our scope so that when we have clients we will understand how it feels to sit there and be open about sexual attitudes and problems.

We were supposed to have a group experience but my group couldn’t do it for reasons like, one man was a minister so he just couldn’t expose himself to such things and one woman was a preacher’s wife and she didn’t want to be seen in such a place.

As the first group presented they were all giddy and told the story of how their group went to a strip club together and how they were all trying to hide because they were so embarrased to be in there and so forth. The next group presented about going to a sex shop together and they too were embarrassed and uncomfortable about being in there and seeing all the toys and videos.

When our group came up to present I felt like crying. I didn’t have a “i’m so girly and I have never seen a naked video” story to tell. Going to a sex toy shop is extremely boring to me because I’ve been to so many so I ended up telling the class that the biggest breakthrough that I had while I was in the sex shop was realizing the fact that when it comes to sex, I am desensitized.

“Sex mean absolutely nothing to me,” I said, my eyes welling up with tears.

It doesn’t. I can do it with whoever and it be just as enjoyable or boring as it is with the next person. It all depends on my mood. Since I can’t remember the last time I had sex with someone that I cared about and who actually cared about me, I am unaware of the emotional intimacy that people say is supposed to accompany sex.

Do I enjoy sex? It really depends on the person I’m with. If he follows my instructions and says all the things I need him to say and plays along with my fantasies…then yeah I have fun. But if he’s like, “Sorry, I can’t do that,” like MOST men do when I ask them to do certain things during sex, I just finish the experience as quickly as possible and I do not enjoy it or go back to do it with them again.

Am I some kind of slutty whore because I view sex in this way?

I don’t know man..All I know is..these classes are wearing my poor heart out. I’m being challenged in every area of my life and it doesn’t feel good.

Will I ever be able to connect emotionally on a sexual level?

Will I ever be able to connect in intimacy with anyone?

Why does it have to be ME who has all these damn issues?

~sigh~

My affirmation for today was, “Anything is possible.”

So I guess my answer has to be..Anything is possible.

Now I have to work on truly believing that.

This has been one helluva week.

I’ve been extra cranky thanks to my monthly visitor and my old negative thought pattern tried to sneak its way back in but for the most part I was able to push it aside because…it takes too much energy to focus on the bad stuff.

My sons and I had a GREAT WEEK. Money flowed in from all kinds of sources and we were able to do everything that we wanted to do and some extra stuff too. The best part is..my son has been asking for a Nintendo DS since I was in Texas and he has saved up $50 from gifts and “tooth fairy” money and I got a gift card for Circuit City for $90 which will cover the game. Now all he has to do is show me his report card, he always makes the honor roll, and we’ll take the money he made from last 9-weeks report card and this 9 week’s report card and then we’ll be able to get the game and then a couple extra games!

I am so excited!

Oh my gosh…I’m watching the movie Baby Boy on TVOne right now and it’s a classic. Damn that shit was realistic as hell! I don’t know maybe it’s fear on my part, but I’m really not feeling the thought of going through crap like that just to have a relationship with a man.

I told one of my old college friends that I’m becoming a Relationship therapist and she laughed and said, “Those who can’t DO…TEACH. Huh, Tee?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I guess.

It’s really that..I don’t feel unsuccessful because I don’t have a romantic relationship, I feel like I have less pressure in my life. I don’t see anything in anyone’s relationship that makes me go, “I really want that.” I don’t feel like I’m losing out on anything at all. I feel more at ease being single. But who knows..it could be fear. I’ll figure it out.

It’s not funny but..I’m always trying to figure my problems out. I was chatting with a friend of mine and he told me that most people don’t take the time to sort out their fear and issues. He says they generally self medicate and then hide it from themselves and the world.

“That’s why you seem to have so many issues,” he said. “It’s because you are aware and working overtime to deal with them. There’s purpose in this time in your life.”

~sigh~

Damn..this feels good. I got a new lap top. My old one went back to HP in early February and they just now gave me a coupon to get another one. I was going to get another HP but when I saw the new Gateway Notebook I fell in love. First of all, it was way cheaper than the HP, the screen is bigger, there is the same amount of memory and it’s cuter- It’s RED. Get it! I really like it.

So I’m feeling lovely and once I figure out how to get the new Microsoft Office 2007 suite for free, I’ll be back in writer’s heaven.

Hmm…If you have kids you’ve probably had the pleasure of taking them to see all of the delightful children’s movies that come out. I’m not even being sarcastic, I actually enjoy watching these movies with them. I learn a lot. Yesterday we went to see Nim’s Island. It made me smile as one of the lead character’s, played by Jodie Foster, appeared on the screen in front of her laptop talking to her editor on the phone.

“Mommy,” my son asked. “Does she do what you do? Is she a writer?”

I almost cried with happiness. “Yes, she does what I do. But she writes books and I haven’t sold any of mine yet.”

Damn..That felt great that they made that connection. Well, they should have..all week long I couldn’t get any real writing done, except for one article and I kept having to ask them to please be quiet while I try to call this editor or sell this article idea and for the most part they listened and asked questions afterwards.

“Mama, if the lady tells you to write the story, how much do you get?”

“After I write the story, I’ll make $300. Ya’ll gonna be quiet later and let me do this interview?”

They smile, “Yes, Ma’am.”

I called Anna today to tell her about the movie and how Jodie Foster’s character had agoraphobia. “Dawg,” I said. “She gets to sit in the house, she doesn’t have to go ANYWHERE and all she has to do is write her books and make her money! That sounds good to me!”

“Tee! Girl, please! She’s in the house because of a fear. She CAN’T go anywhere. That’s no way to live. Imagine what kind of stories she could write if she had more experiences…”

Yeah..she’s right.

But it still sounds like the kind of professional life I’d love… Imagine the ability to work from home, free from the social hassles of an office environment and still be able to earn an abundant income doing what you love. ~smile~ I guess that’s every writer’s dream to sit alone and spark their imagination and entertain others.

That is what I’d like to manifest. I’d like to use my knowledge and research to write and uplift others.

Well..anything is possible.

There’s one aspect of my spiritual development that I have been wanting to grow and that is the ability to use automatic writing to talk with God/My Inner Being/Universe/Whatever you want to call it.

I hope to use words inspired by God in my writing and offer more valuable help as I write my how-to articles and other words of inspiration.

Tonight I sat aside the time to do it. I shut off the TV and the radio and turned my phone off. I logged off of the IM and I said a prayer asking God to speak through me. This is my first attempt at trying this and it kind of feels like I’m talking to myself..then again it doesn’t because the person that I am would rarely be so calm and peaceful as I asked such hard questions and received simple, yet unexpected answers.

Take a look…

I now connect with my higher self for the purpose of gaining clarity, peace and understanding regarding my life. I ask questions, receive answers, peace and support from my divine guidance.

God, what can I do to ease my fears?
Stop focusing on them.

What is it about me that repels people?
Your focus on the negative.

What can I do to stop this?
Stop focusing on what you need to fix and celebrate yourself more.

What do I need to do in order to become more stable and be able to take care of myself and my sons?
Love yourself.

How do I do that when all I can see are my flaws?
See yourself as I do. You are beautiful to me. Who else’s opinion matters?

God, will I ever get past this feeling that I’m not worthy of success, love and happiness?
It is truly your choice. Getting past it is up to you. You choose your focus.

God, when will I see physical evidence of my success?
Look around you.

I want to write books that truly inspire and change lives. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own. I need your help.
You have it. Write.

Is this just me typing or are you really there?
I’m here. Believe these words. I never left you. You listen, you hear but then you choose to believe the hurtful things instead of me.

Why does pain and fear seem so easy to believe versus knowing that everything is just as it should be?
Somehow it’s easier to believe that you are powerless. Taking control and walking in power takes more effort and faith.

Is there anything I should know about my life? Any words of instruction?
You already know. The guidance comes from within. Follow yourself and no one else.

Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I want to practice more and I will. I love you.
There is more than love for you in me.

Kim called me this morning with the headline news…

Jay-Z and Beyonce got married last night!

“Great,” I said unenthusiastically.

“Naw, dawg, that really shows what kind of a man he is. He’s been dating her for so long and he finally married her. Most men just try to date you for as long as they can. He respects her too much for that. He was getting all the p**** and flaunting her around, how could he continue to do that for more than six years without marrying her? It would be so disrespectful to her as a woman. He showed her that he respects her.”

Hmmm….