Same Old Things

I thought I had a hedonistic attitude about life so I don’t understand where the emotionally charged tendency to hurt myself comes into play.

I absolutely love to send out powerful positive energy toward my friend’s lives and goals. I absolutely love to imagine the best possible circumstances and visualize their brightest futures. I do the same for my sons and my family and for the most part, I do imagine myself experiencing some kind of liberation financially some day yet, when it comes to love and relationships, it seems like I get some kind of high from imagining the worst.

I don’t understand how to break out of this. Today I caught myself doing three times. Like, I’ll literally sit there and think so hard with so much emotion about how much everyone who “likes” ends up hating me. I’ll think about it so hard that my energy changes and I’ll shake my head as I count over and over again how I say no to people who think they like me because really, they just like my TALENT or my BEAUTY and I know if they got to be around me and actually experienced what its like to have me as a part of their lives they would walk away as fast as they could.

In reality I am just manifesting more of this, but why? Why do I want this to continue to happen? Why does this feel so good to me that when men or women become interested I shoo them away? I’m trying to prove myself right. Or maybe I don’t want to end up like my friends, sitting up waiting for some man to treat me right. Or maybe I think something is so wrong with me that something must be wrong with the person if they like me.

Actually, on paper, I’m pretty hot. And thinking of it, in a dress and heels, I’m also pretty hot. The ONLY catch is, I’m like, mentally ill in a lot of ways and I’m a “crazy genius” as one person described me and I love so hard you’d suffocate under it. And I have bad breath. Other than that, I think I’m cool.

It’s not like i want people to feel sorry for me. You’re so beautiful. How could this be? Well, it is.

I met a guy the other day who said he was a 27 year old virgin. I had to hold myself back from volunteering to love him. “So you mean, in your whole life, no one has ever loved you?” I asked him.

He shook his head.

“No one has ever even liked you?”

He shook his head.

My heart sank. I bet I could like him and treat him well and show him that he is loveable and worthy and a good person.

but that’s what I always do. I try to love those who have never been loved and they end up being very mean to me (ex: my BBDD). I have to stop doing that. But really I do it because, I wish someone would decide to love me one day.

I’m not a BAD person. I’m not all good, I make my mistakes stupidly but the mistakes I make generally are about me trying to show someone that they can be loved and trying to be the one to love them back to health.

I’m like a doormat for men and women who have never had a girlfriend or who are in emotional pain. I’ll lie there and be whatever they want me to be- let them have me- so they can feel better.

Then I walk away feeling numb because I got no satisfaction out of it at all.

Anyway, I’m glad I got to write that down, it relieves me to talk about it, even over the net.

Perpetual Failure

I’m about to begin a new challenge. It’s a new documentary, a whole new set of faces, a whole new approach.

It starts today. I wonder what’s going to happen.

As I sat here wondering what’s about to happen I couldn’t help but think about my last project and all the bullshit I went through for nothing. I swear I thought life was like, about doing good in the world and helping as many people as you can. but for the sacrifice I made, to try to help only to realize that my personality isn’t a good match for the shit I was trying to do and I can’t help anyone and I’m not cut out for the superhero shit. I won’t ever try no shit like that again. I was stupid.

I got hurt in the process. Very hurt.

I don’t mind that I failed, I’m used to that shit, I just, wish someone more capable had done it. Someone with people skills and organizing skills. Someone with more- whatever it is- that I was missing where no one who had the ability to help- was willing to help me. I fucked that project up because MY name was on it. Had it been anyone else, it would have been more successful and more women would have gotten the help they need.


But you know what?

Sometimes its fun to fail.

Sometimes I feel like, shit, let’s see how much more GIGANTIC risks I can take and just how much more I can fuck up.

I mean, who can say they fucked up as much as me? Who would TRY risky shit as much as me? Who could fail at such awesome shit like me?

No one.

You know what? I’m going to go hard- push it to the limit, even with this project and shit, we’ll see how much I can fuck this up too.

Let’s see. For this project- it’s about Saying YES to life and opportunities, challenges and new ideas.

I’m gonna go ahead and face some of my biggest fears while I’m at it.

Let me see how much I can fuck this up too.


Constructing A Sphere of Hope

I’ve been studying Buddhism for a few days and on the first day I was quite amazed.

I went to this introductory website and I was blown away when I read :

Buddhism should not be accepted on the basis of blind faith, but rather because we find it sensible. The Buddha put it this way: “Only when it agrees with your experience and reason, and when it is conducive to the good and gain of oneself and all others, then one should accept the teachings, and live up to them”.

Imagine, a philosophy that isn’t quite a religion yet provides the same sphere of hope. It doesn’t require anything of you, it doesn’t demand your allegiance. It simply says: Decide if this makes sense to you and if it does, then use it.

To me, that is the very basis of existentialism by which I live. I recognize that we all have to make sense of our lives, our deaths, our purpose and in doing that we have to make some kind of belief system a part of our core values. We CHOOSE our belief systems even though we do not know it. Some are introduced to certain beliefs systems and decide to accept them simply because they do not know that they have a choice.

I do judge, I realize that, we all do. It’s important to judge what is good for us and what is not. But it is also important for your own life quality to NOT judge others based on what they choose for themselves. Your frustrations with other people’s choices lead to your misery. Why would you choose that for yourself?

Let people live!

Then I watched this documentary called The Buddha by Filmmaker David Grubin

Watch the full episode. See more The Buddha.

This was an excellent film, except as I watched it I couldn’t help but think to myself that this was a man who was so adamant about constructing a way to help people to deal with their suffering better so he came up with a philosophy, a way of thinking, that could help them.

He made up a way of thinking to encourage them.

I can’t imagine myself bowing before his altar or anything like that. For what?

He made up a way of thinking to help relieve people and basically that is also what I do. I help people by reframing their perspective of things which will cause them to have more hope and more joy about life.

I respect his perspective and the fact that millions of people have found hope for their lives through his sacrifice and maybe one day I will construct something that helps too.

Maybe I Just Need A Life

Today I went to look for a costume for a party I was invited to. Here’s the video:

The store I went to was near my son’s home so I called them to come meet me so we could have a treat before I took the bus back to where I live.

Something weird happened. When i saw my boys I went to give them kisses and hugs and cuddles and they were looking at me like I was crazy.

“Mommy we just saw you this weekend,” my younger son said.

“But I still want hugs and kisses, I missed you.”

Then I remembered that I told my sons that I have a night off this weekend. “What are you going to do?” my older son asked, seeming to be curious.

“Well, I was hoping to spend it with you.”

He was quiet.

I know that I get ALL of my affection from them, but they’re getting older and they’re not interested in that anymore. They no longer want to sit in my lap and let me cradle them. They don’t want hugs and cuddles in public.

I have to let go and let them grow up and stop trying to get all my love from them. I know that they love me but I have to have my own life too.

I have that, I have my projects and writing and studying and learning and research, but all my love- ALL OF IT- gets poured out on them, I guess because they’re the only ones who won’t or can’t back away like everyone else has.

I don’t want to smother them.

I have to come up with some kind of outlet for all this love I have.

I think I poured it out on Tamara too. Maybe I smothered her too. Maybe my expectations for our friendship were unrealistic. I mean, we’re FRIENDS, but when you fall in love, like she did, that always comes first. Why didn’t I realize that? Maybe because I’ve never been in love.

How can I be mad at her for being in love and trying to sustain that relationship? Maybe it’s because I wanted all the attention on ME.

I AM selfish.


And I have all this pent up anger and frustration and love that I never get to share, except through my creative projects.

One day my little sister was angry with me for telling her to stop venting about her man and she said, “Maybe you need to START venting.”

Maybe that’s what she meant.

But how?

I don’t want to crush anyone with my love. It’s not meant to hurt. Honestly, it’s not.

I care too much about everyone and every little thing but I have another side to me that doesn’t care at all.

I’m very good at remaining detached from people.

Like, with work relationships, I can share my heart with people there and when I stop working there I have no desire to continue a relationship with them at all. I am completely unattached to sustaining relationships.

I can say goodbye easily and wish you well, but never pick up the phone and call. I don’t like that feeling- that feeling of wanting something from someone and them having the power not to give it to me so I make sure that I don’t desire anything from anyone and when I find myself desiring someone’s time or attention I end the relationship or back away so that when they leave or refuse to give me what I want I won’t care.

Is there a name for what I’m doing? How can I fix this?

I need to get a life or something like it or I’ll end up pushing everyone away.

My Favorite Types of Tables

I had an awesome night at work!

It was one of those nights where it wasn’t super busy, but it was steady for most of the night and you get to have so much fun with your customers.

When you’re a waitress, it’s hard not to stereotype your customers so when a group walks through the door, you judge them, yes you do. I know of a waitress who hates taking tables with black people because she feels they won’t tip her and are rude to her.

There are some servers I work with who will pass up a certain race and give them to you because they think they won’t tip. The crazy part is, these type of tables that they think won’t tip always tip me very well!

My favorite types of tables are the gay boy tables. You know, like big parties of young gay dudes who come in after hanging out all night. I love gay guys! They are so fucking cute to me! I could have a million crushes on them and it feels safe because I know they won’t like me back but they think I’m pretty and they are always so sweet to me.

I also love the most hood, ghetto, tattoo wearing, chicken bone throwing, leaving their weave on the floor, “I’ll cuss you and yo mama out” type of customers. We get along so well! It’s like we understand each other. I feel like they’re my family. When I see these type of people come in the door, I get so happy and I’m like, “I’ll take them!” when all the other servers are looking like, “oh no.”

I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE big parties of Spanish families! OMG! I get to practice my Spanish and they always compliment me on my eyes and the Dad usually flirts with me and tells me I’m pretty and they tip me very well! I always have so much fun with them!

Oh, and let me not forget, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE serving Black couples. It doesn’t matter what they are dressed like, if it’s a black couple, I love it! I treat them so well and act kind of proper with them and they laugh at me and leave me very nice tips!

It’s just, I show my customer so much LOVE because I really do love them while they’re at my table and I really, really want them to have a good time. It’s important to me that they leave smiling and they remember my name.

My co workers on the night shift were acting funny last night- really tense. I had to go tease them individually so they could loosen up because I wanted us to have fun like we usually do. I love working with them the most and I don’t like when they’re annoyed. I don’t know what was going on with them but they ended up being cool. I guess it was just one of those days because sometimes I’m not in the mood either. You can tell what kind of mood I’m in by my face, I’m not smiling, I look like I’m thinking really hard or really, by my make up. If I’m not wearing make up, I’m really depressed.

Make up makes me happy and I love putting it on and if I am ever not wearing it, I’m pretty much very sad about life in general and I don’t want to be pretty. And that’s not me- I love being pretty!

Don’t tell nobody this but- everybody I work with has someone special in their life and I realized it last night and it made me wish to have someone too. Someone to text me and say nice things to me who wants to bring me food and go to Denny’s with me in the middle of the night. Someone to come over and be with me when I have a day off, who wants to know what’s going on with me on a regular basis. Sex is optional, but if the person is nice, I’ll do it.

I think I just really want a friend.


Why do younger guys love me so much?

I swear. I can’t get away from them.

During my project when I met this older man, he was 52, and when I went out with him I enjoyed him so much that I said to myself, “I’m done with younger guys.” But I guess I can’t turn off my radar.

I think with younger guys, sometimes as young as 23, I feel like it can’t be anything serious so I get to just be silly and it’s like playtime with them. I never want anything more than a few laughs and some playful secks and that’s all they want too.

Last night I’m standing at the door at work waiting for more customers, cuz you have to grab them and seat them at your tables if you want to make money- there is no hostess to make sure its fair. Anyway, I’m standing there and in walks 4 young drunk guys. The first guy is so cute to me and I’m like, “hey wait a minute.”

“Tee,” he says and walks up to me smiling.

“Do I know you?” I ask him, my body is starting to heat up.

“Uh, yeah. We worked together.”

Oh! I remember his lil cute ass. We used to work together at my last job and when he first was hired I remember thinking, “I’d love some of THAT.” But I couldn’t do anything because- we work together and I will flirt like crazy but I never mess with anyone I work with because I think that’s messy.

But we don’t work together anymore!

When he paid his bill, I wrote my number on his receipt and he sent me a text right away, “You wanna hook up after work?”


I’m sure you want me to but not today. I didn’t even reply but I will.

I promise. LOL

I haven’t met a girl who excited me in a very long time. No girls ever try to talk to me. I have to be the aggressive one and I haven’t met one that I wanted that badly to actually go up to her and talk to her in more than a year. That kind of excitement I get when I’m with a woman is unmatched when it comes to men.

Well, actually, the older guy- I don’t know. He was the only one. I think he did voodoo on me because what I felt when I was with him I ain’t never felt before. When I was with him, I felt ZERO anxiety. He’s never even seen me go through my anxiety attacks because I always felt so comfortable around him. Too bad we don’t talk anymore but I chalk it up to him being “a part of my project” because when that ended, so did we.

It was kinda hard, but my heart let that go.

Damn, where are all the cute girls who like crazy girls like me? Hmmm.

Where Are My Perfect Matches?

The ladies I work with are so funny to me! I like working with them for a lot of reasons, number one they are caretakers and help a lot at work. They are funny and cute and make me laugh. The best thing is, they are not pushy about hanging out outside of work although I wouldn’t mind, just to see what it’s like.

They don’t seem insecure. You can tell insecure women off the bat by how they criticize you for every little thing and are rude to you when you haven’t done anything to hurt them.

I love that no one from work has added me to their facebook yet. Yay!

No one has stalked me on the internet that I know of yet. No one is that interested in my personal life or questions me about what I do outside of work. During my first week one lady did and I nipped that in the bud and now she only says hello and goodbye.

It’s not that I’m a private person at all its just, I don’t ask personal questions about anything to anyone and I appreciate the same in return. I felt so good about my co workers that I actually invited a couple of them to my house to hang out, that is, until I got home and thought about what I did and then started remembering how I can’t socialize and my anxiety started flaring up and I had to cancel. I couldn’t relax until I canceled, my anxiety wouldn’t let me.

I just, don’t want to hear negative stories and complaints all the time. I don’t like to gossip negatively. I hate listening to it. But really, I don’t want people’s negative habits to rub off on me. That is how I started smoking cigarettes, hanging out with people from work. Now I don’t even talk to any of them anymore but the bad habit remains.

I want to be around people with GOOD habits so even when we are no longer in contact those behaviors will remain. Like, I have two sorority sisters who still live in our college town. They do cool stuff like run marathons and body building and they earn extra money by teaching dance classes and exercise classes. Why can’t I meet people who love to talk about how they are achieving their goals and setting new ones? I’d love to meet and talk strategy and celebrate successful events and accomplished goals over bottles of wine as we talk shit about how awesome we are. LOL

“I’m the shit!”

“No, I’M the shit!”

“Yes, you are girl!”

“No, WE are!”

“That’s right hoe!” LOL

Like, with my next venture. I’m doing the research and about to set a date for my first event. BUT- there’s no one I can talk to about how to do this or how to organize it and there’s no one I know who would even care to LISTEN to me talk about this kind of thing. People always ask me, “Are you talking to yourself?” Yes, I do. I have to. No one I know is into what I’m into. I have to figure it out all by myself, do the technical grunt work, organize it, do the administrative work, market it and facilitate it.

I don’t know how to do any of this. I’m scared that it won’t work out. I’m scared that I won’t do a good job. I’m scared that no one will participate. I have a general idea and I’m going to do it to the best of my ability but I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m still going to do it anyway.

I’m so excited! I just wish I had someone to share it with who would celebrate with me sincerely.

It’s The Wheel of Life

T9night I was at work and I glanced out the window. I saw a figure walking by and my memory was jarred. All of a sudden my thoughts went to the poet who died earlier this year and how he used to come into Denny’s when I worked at the one in Miami. I thought about how he and I sat in Denny’s late one night after his Saturday night poetry show.

I remember he told me that I shouldn’t wear make up. When I protested he said, “What are you MAKING UP for?”

He’s gone.

I’ll never see his face again.

Just gone.

And everybody’s life went on.

Then I looked around at the faces of the women working with me. I’m a weird one- I see things for what they are. I realized that these faces are temporary.

Everyone I meet is a temporary face. The frustrations of life are temporary. People with attitudes are temporary. Challenges are temporary. Good times are temporary. Love is temporary. Friends are temporary. Whatever they have to say about me is temporary, their chatter will fade.

Nothing is permanent.

We own nothing. Not even our lives.

For as long as we exist we can’t hold on to anything, if we try we end up crushing it. It’s best to just enjoy the sun while it shines because even the sun will go away at some point. How can we et mad at the sun for not shining at night? How can you get mad at someone for wanting to walk away?

It’s crazy that in one of my videos I gave an example that our lives are like a wheel and we are the center of the wheel. The spokes are the situations and people that come into our lives. They are ever changing- ever changing. Enjoy them while they are there- REALLY enjoy them without trying to make them stay or get mad they won’t be what you want them to be because it is promised that they will leave.

I want you to smile while you’re around me. I want you to feel good about who you are. But please don’t be mad that you can’t have me, because I am not meant to stay. No one is.

It’s the wheel, man. It’s the wheel of life. It has to keep moving cuz if it doesn’t, it means we’re dead.

I Am Not That Important

“You are not that important,” I remember her saying.

It was my first semester of grad school and I was taking Human Development. My professor was trying to let us know that the success of the client does not depend on us. We should not carry the burden on our shoulders or beat ourselves up if the client does not wish to continue sessions.

You are not that important.

I’ve come to believe this is true. I’ve seen it time and time again at jobs I’ve had where I’ve given 110% believing that my efforts were making a significant contribution but really, after I’m gone, the company still prospers.

You are not that important.

I’m not. Anyone who has met me may smile and say she made me laugh but the reality is, they do not need my presence in their lives. Just like with Will, who died earlier this year, everyone is still rhyming, performing, laughing, having sex, moving forward.

I am not that important. In anyone’s life. And when it comes down to my success or happiness versus theirs they sure won’t choose mine.

I am not that important. Take the weight off my shoulders for thinking that my efforts would make such a huge difference in the world or that my existence will make an impact on someone’s life in a profound way.

I am not that important. Except to my sons. I honestly feel like they benefit from knowing me and I see how my personality helps shape theirs and I am proud.

Still, I am not that important. Love me for a minute. Laugh with me. Touch me. Yet, you can walk away and I can be that memory that makes you smile in your sleep.

I am not that important. Everyone’s life will go on once I’m gone. To Timbuktoo or Uruba or Hades or wherever they sent naughty girls who dare to make their own rules.

I am not that important. In anyone’s life.

So I float. I get high on the knowledge that whether I’m there, here or near, you can still smile. So when I walk away or you do, we still smile and we still love and we still live our very best lives.

Cuz I am not that important, and one day you will forget me.

I’m okay with that.