My head hurts.
And I didn’t party last night. What I did was…sit up here and try to go to sleep. When I couldn’t, I started trying to “fix” all the things that I believe are wrong with me through research and meditation.
I tried to be friends with DEEP again. I miss him so much. I re added him as a friend on Facebook but after a few days I found myself annoyed by all of his promotional posts. Then just before I was gonna hide his updates, he started posting about what he was writing and that made me smile. I love it when he sits down with his little notebook and pen and writes. He gets so excited! It makes me laff!
But then I didn’t like all those hoes on his page and I didn’t like how he commented on my status that I need to take my own advice. So I deleted him again. I hate that I care what
he thinks about me. It feels like bondage. He wrote me an email telling me, “Have a nice life. I’m tired of your instability.” ~shrugs~ Another man…totally disgusted by me. But..I expected that.
Anyway…I manifested a philosopher..but…it didnt work out. I’ll share the story so you can see what kind of mindframe I’m in..
I’ve been complaining to Yolanda that I need to meet someone who loves theories as much as I do and who is open minded and wants to talk to me…
A couple of days ago, I get a follow request on twitter from someone with a blog about t-shirts for really beautiful women. I love the blog, I love the concept, the writing is good. I usually deny all follow requests on twitter but I decide to accept the person..knowing full well that MOST people who are average minded…can’t follow me. Most ppl on twitter talk about light stuff like ‘What will i wear today?’ or ‘Did you see that commercial?’ while I be trying to figure out the meaning of life on that bitch!
My twitter page is like this blog but on STEROIDS cuz I’m always on it and if my mood is janky..ugh..you may wanna just log off of twitter that day cuz I’m gonna express myself until I get it all out and feel better.
Anyway…so I accept the blog about lady t-shirts and we interact a little. I’m feeling her out. She seems nice enough, open minded. Then a day later I get a DM from her,”What school are you getting your MFT?”
I write back and tell her.
She writes back, “I got my MFT from XYZ and I’m thinking of going for my Phd.”
I get soo excited when I realize, “It’s my manifestation! Someone to talk with about theories and philosophies who lives in Miami and loves to write and I LIKE their writing! OH MY! THANK YOU UNIVERSE!”
I wrote back- “SISTER! Let’s chat! I’m so excited to meet u. Has your degree impacted your relationships at all?
She wrote back- “I’m a guy. But I’m a bit of an existentialist so it hasn’t affected my relationships that much.”
My heart sank. It’s a…guy.
I tried to ignore my gut feeling and continue to remain excited.
“I’m an existentialist too, but it just happened last year. I can’t wait to chat with you. What do you have? I have yahoo and gtalk! Let’s go! LOL”
He didn’t even seem phased by my enthusiasm. He responded with equal enthusiasm. “I’m excited to talk to you too, but I don’t have messengers or facebook. I know, I’m lame.”
But then my co workers invited me out and I went and when I came back I had this dreadful feeling come over me…
It was as though I was posessed by a spirit that was whispering in my ear, “He’s a man. You know what you have to do.”
So I sent him a DM on twitter that read: “I wish you weren’t a man so I wouldn’t have to remove you from my life.”
And I deleted him from my twitter…and my life.
And I felt so bad after that I emailed him trying to explain my impulse and asking for help if he had any theories that would help me. I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m doing that. It’s as though my mind just goes and controls my fingers when it comes to removing men from my life. I do it about twice a week or as much as I can to satisfy my need to never be hurt again.
I can’t even say I’m missing out on something because I never give it a chance to turn into anything beautiful. I know it’s a defense mechanism. I get that. But I don’t know how to stop it! I do research and meditate and subscribe to email lists and watch videos and pray and expect the best and still..when a man comes into my life…i immediately NEED him to go away…to stop my nerves from shaking and my heart from hurting.
I ended up calling the Suicide Hotline last night because I needed someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t be like, “You’re stupid, get over it.”
They listened. They said that it may be the incidents in my childhood that has me
expecting men to hurt me and my expectations have poisoned my reality. Duh…I know that. I TEACH THAT! I just don’t know how to move out of that mind state.
I don’t know how…and I can’t sleep over it at night. It’s like I’m obsessed with finding the solution. Not so that I can be healed and find love..blah on that…I think I want to figure it out to add to my resume of “issues I got over”.
For some reason, I don’t believe my life is for ME to experience pleasure or love or happiness, but that I am a teacher for others to experience those things. But it probably goes back to my innate belief that I am not deserving of those things.
I’m trying to heal…but I don’t want to obsess over it because I know that constant focus only attracts more of the same.
I’m still doing the research and hopefully, I’ll heal soon.
…or die trying…
