Something New

I had the wildest experience last night.

I was sitting around with my co workers after work and having a couple of beers. Then we were all just talking and vibing and laughing when someone made reference to race and my eyes shot open.
For the first time I looked at our group and I squinted then questioned, “Are you white?”
“Uh…yeah,” one guy answered.
I turned to his girl, “Are you white too?”
“Yeah, Tee. What did u think I was?”
I turned to the bartender. “Jenn, are you white too?”
“Yeah, Tee.”
I took a few steps back and put my hand over my heart. All this time I had been hanging with these people and loving them and having fun with them and just getting to know their stories and their hopes and…some of them are WHITE.
I had ONE white friend back in undergrad and that hoe was a bitch. A selfish bitch too. I ddnt even accept her friend request when she contacted me on FB cuz I have no desire to ever speak to that hoe again.
But these people..they’re not like that. And I’m grateful to know them. And they don’t care that I’m a writer and they don’t care that I have a blog and they don’t even KNOW that I’m a superstar personality and am destined to become a ridiculous author with a great reach..they just like vibing with me.
And they’re young and old, black and white- all together- just vibing. And I’m so happy about that. And I hope I continue to know them forever. And I’m glad they call me to hang out and I promise to never try to hurt them.
And…I’m just so happy…that for once I met some good people…that I want to socialize with and love and who want to love me back.
And I’m just…grateful.

Heal Or Die

My head hurts.

And I didn’t party last night. What I did was…sit up here and try to go to sleep. When I couldn’t, I started trying to “fix” all the things that I believe are wrong with me through research and meditation.
I tried to be friends with DEEP again. I miss him so much. I re added him as a friend on Facebook but after a few days I found myself annoyed by all of his promotional posts. Then just before I was gonna hide his updates, he started posting about what he was writing and that made me smile. I love it when he sits down with his little notebook and pen and writes. He gets so excited! It makes me laff!
But then I didn’t like all those hoes on his page and I didn’t like how he commented on my status that I need to take my own advice. So I deleted him again. I hate that I care what
he thinks about me. It feels like bondage. He wrote me an email telling me, “Have a nice life. I’m tired of your instability.” ~shrugs~ Another man…totally disgusted by me. But..I expected that.
Anyway…I manifested a philosopher..but…it didnt work out. I’ll share the story so you can see what kind of mindframe I’m in..
I’ve been complaining to Yolanda that I need to meet someone who loves theories as much as I do and who is open minded and wants to talk to me…
A couple of days ago, I get a follow request on twitter from someone with a blog about t-shirts for really beautiful women. I love the blog, I love the concept, the writing is good. I usually deny all follow requests on twitter but I decide to accept the person..knowing full well that MOST people who are average minded…can’t follow me. Most ppl on twitter talk about light stuff like ‘What will i wear today?’ or ‘Did you see that commercial?’ while I be trying to figure out the meaning of life on that bitch!
My twitter page is like this blog but on STEROIDS cuz I’m always on it and if my mood is may wanna just log off of twitter that day cuz I’m gonna express myself until I get it all out and feel better.
Anyway…so I accept the blog about lady t-shirts and we interact a little. I’m feeling her out. She seems nice enough, open minded. Then a day later I get a DM from her,”What school are you getting your MFT?”
I write back and tell her.
She writes back, “I got my MFT from XYZ and I’m thinking of going for my Phd.”
I get soo excited when I realize, “It’s my manifestation! Someone to talk with about theories and philosophies who lives in Miami and loves to write and I LIKE their writing! OH MY! THANK YOU UNIVERSE!”
I wrote back- “SISTER! Let’s chat! I’m so excited to meet u. Has your degree impacted your relationships at all?
She wrote back- “I’m a guy. But I’m a bit of an existentialist so it hasn’t affected my relationships that much.”
My heart sank. It’s a…guy.
I tried to ignore my gut feeling and continue to remain excited.
“I’m an existentialist too, but it just happened last year. I can’t wait to chat with you. What do you have? I have yahoo and gtalk! Let’s go! LOL”
He didn’t even seem phased by my enthusiasm. He responded with equal enthusiasm. “I’m excited to talk to you too, but I don’t have messengers or facebook. I know, I’m lame.”
But then my co workers invited me out and I went and when I came back I had this dreadful feeling come over me…
It was as though I was posessed by a spirit that was whispering in my ear, “He’s a man. You know what you have to do.”
So I sent him a DM on twitter that read: “I wish you weren’t a man so I wouldn’t have to remove you from my life.”
And I deleted him from my twitter…and my life.
And I felt so bad after that I emailed him trying to explain my impulse and asking for help if he had any theories that would help me. I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m doing that. It’s as though my mind just goes and controls my fingers when it comes to removing men from my life. I do it about twice a week or as much as I can to satisfy my need to never be hurt again.
I can’t even say I’m missing out on something because I never give it a chance to turn into anything beautiful. I know it’s a defense mechanism. I get that. But I don’t know how to stop it! I do research and meditate and subscribe to email lists and watch videos and pray and expect the best and still..when a man comes into my life…i immediately NEED him to go away…to stop my nerves from shaking and my heart from hurting.
I ended up calling the Suicide Hotline last night because I needed someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t be like, “You’re stupid, get over it.”
They listened. They said that it may be the incidents in my childhood that has me
expecting men to hurt me and my expectations have poisoned my reality. Duh…I know that. I TEACH THAT! I just don’t know how to move out of that mind state.
I don’t know how…and I can’t sleep over it at night. It’s like I’m obsessed with finding the solution. Not so that I can be healed and find love..blah on that…I think I want to figure it out to add to my resume of “issues I got over”.
For some reason, I don’t believe my life is for ME to experience pleasure or love or happiness, but that I am a teacher for others to experience those things. But it probably goes back to my innate belief that I am not deserving of those things.
I’m trying to heal…but I don’t want to obsess over it because I know that constant focus only attracts more of the same.
I’m still doing the research and hopefully, I’ll heal soon.
…or die trying…

Closed To The Public

Who the hell left the gate open?

Somebody done blowed my mind recently and told me about this thing called Tiny Chat. Its a website and you can web cam chat with multiple people to promote your twitter page. It’s full of young kids in their teens and 20’s. Most of the most popular chat rooms I’ve seen are filled iwth Black people too.
My first day there I was mesmerized. I didn’t quite understand what was going on and I saw that I was in a box and others could see me and I could see them and we could talk and people were writing to us in a text box below. Before I could get my bearings some guy starts annihilating me. He’s saying I’m ugly, I look like a boy, I have man hands. I’m laffing and laffing because that sure doesn’t happen on the street.
Once I even shook my ass for the camera….just cuz I wanted to. TWIT PIC THAT!
LOL! If I could..I’d make a video tape..real talk. If I felt like anyone would ever want to see it! LOL I’m sure you wouldn’t…
But then as I came back….and I ran into the guy again who was insulting me..I saw that he was fine as fuck! LOL! I can’t remember the last time I “met” a guy online who I thought was cute. I NEVER flirt with anybody online! BUt anyway…
This place is made up of little cliques, and only so often will you get on and find someone who wants to talk about what you want to talk about but…it happens.
It happened once for me…I met these guys who were havin REAL TALK…and it all was positive and informative. Everyone in the chat room (all Black ppl) held a different opinion of religion/spiritual views. Yet..somehow we all managed to agree on everything that was at the core of our love for our belief….
It was beautiful. Before the convo ended we had to exchange twitter ID’s.
Man…my twitter. Twitter isn’t getting on my nerves so much lately and thats because it’s so quiet. COmpared to tiny chat, this twitter shit is boring.
I was on the phone with Lobo and she mentioned why is my twitter page blocked. She said it in a nice way…
I don’t know…Why is my twitter page blocked? I didnt start it out that way? What fears did I have where I felt my thoughts needed protection? My whereabouts? The issues closest to my heart?
Maybe I need a seperation? The internet used to be my warm blanket. The place where I could uncover all my pain and fears…and that is a part of know…writing and stuff. But maybe I’ll leave this blog for my emotional rants and self analysis and focus on being OPEN TO EVERYONE…and maintaining a sense of social decorum…on the others..
I don’t know…that don’t even sound right…
Why am I so private with people I know? I never share stories or tell tales from my past or my present. Unless they ask specifically, I don’t volunteer stories about my life.
I am very tight lipped…But then I blog all about it on the internet.
Sup with that?

Easy, Breezy


I been on tiny chat like everyday which is NORMAL for my obsessive ass when I find something new to explore. A whole new cast of characters to meet and observe and…a lot of laffs so far. Let’s see how long this fascination lasts.
I met with my advisor today. We registered me for 2 classes next semester and then 3 next FALL…so that means I have the summer off…which means I need to manifest a JOB next semester so I will have a place to live next summer. Ain’t going back to the streets…no sir…
I’m excited about my classes next Spring. I get to take Research methods which will teach me how to do a full out scholarly article. I cant WAIT! I dont need the damn school to help me..I am going to get published whether they co sign or not…
It’s harder this way though…
Like trying to pick up a penny while a crowd of marathon runners are breezing by…
But…still I rise.. LOL
Well..after next SPRING, which begins in August 2010 I am officially done with classes…and I start my internship and practicum where I will sit for the first time in front of real clients and attempt to counsel them. I’m trying to get practice by volunteering for the suicide hotline but…they wont return my calls. Maybe they heard about my blog..I don’t know…
I’m feeling healthy…mentally…I no longer have fears like I used to. I’ve really learned to go with the flow about things and I’m believing that everything is for my best.
Ughh well..u know I’m still dealing with that thing with MEN…but I’m changing..I can feel it. I’m not as hurt as I used to be…I’m still not open yet…but I’m not hurting anymore. I don’t know. There are a million men in the world so…I meet one every damn day and when I feel like it…I’ll change. Until then…I’m workin on it…
What’s cool is I had my very first eTheray session tonight on Tiny Chat. I met my “client” in a web cam chat room and we discussed her relationship. Ima be honest..I was at a muthafukin loss! I didn’t know what to say! I was so embarrassed. this counseling stuff is much more difficult than it looks! For a minute I wanted to cry because…I couldnt relate to any of her issues..I was more enthralled by the fact that she has someone who loves her and that she loves back…
How the hell am I going to be a relationship therapist when I spend 98% of my time alone and I don’t have any friends in this city and I don’t date and I don’t socialize?
I don’t know…
But fuck it…I’ll let life figure it out for me…I will not stress….
Easy breezy….

Wish I Was Better

Wow… I just realized something about myself.

I have absolutely no idea how to operate within a system. Umm…if you don’t know, a system is just a group of people who work together or live together or do anything that requires exchange of information or cooperation.
Am I saying I’m not a team player….No, I am a team player. I do more than required because I love to work but when it comes to SOCIAL DECORUM…I have none. I say anything I want to say and do what I love to do which usually…is a good thing because I am positive and I do more but sometimes its embarrassing to the team….So I try to keep to myself as much as I can but eventually I will be me.
And being ME does not gel well within a system. I work better alone. I don’t know how I’m going to do this….I better start focusing back on my writing.

Brilliant Mama

Today I picked my boys up from school, my eyes lit up as they walked toward my car.

There’s something about them….
We could not figure out what we wanted to eat so we just went to the chinese place and picked up some wings and rice and shrimp & lobster sauce and then we grabbed milkshakes from Burger King and then..on our last stop at the gas station..i realized that I didn’t have any money. I had lost my money.
Instead of having a fit and a pity party for myself, my son Sai said, “It’s okay Mama.” and I agreed. Although that was the last of my money…I just felt it would be alright.
“It’ll be alright,” I said to my boys as I climbed into the car. “It’ll come back.”
As soon as I started the car and put it in drive…I turned the wheel and noticed something…it was my money, on the ground. It must have fallen and floated beneath the car. I smiled, stopped the car and quickly retrieved it.
I smiled at my boys and said, “See what happens when you stay calm and believe the best? What if I had been crying and frustrated and sending out negative vibes? If i had been crying, my eyes would have been closed and I wouldn’t have been able to see the money on the ground.”
After the food was long gone and the homework was done, we sat on the bed together. I talk to them like they’re my friends…
“You know, I’m glad you guys get to see me grow as a person,” I told them. “I’m different than I was before.”
“Well, I used to be sad all the time. I used to be so sad.”
“Cuz I had a person in my life who constantly told me that I was nothing and worthless and a loser and dumb and no one would ever love me. And I believed them and it made me sad all the time. But now I’ve learned that if someone says something bad about you…don’t believe them, just don’t be their friend. It’s a lie. So now I don’t listen to anyone but me.”
“Why would they say that? You’re not dumb,” my younger son said. “You’re…brilliant Mama.”
I almost cried.
“I know,”I said. “But I’m glad someone else notices it besides me. Thanks baby…”

I’m In Love

Yeah… I said it.

And i can’t stop smiling. I wake up every morning giggling to myself and sending out positive love energy to my friends. I blow kisses in the wind, hoping that the lusciousness of my lips will reach the stars and sprinkle down blessings on me.
I have no rhyme or reason to feel this way. I’m a server at Red Lobster. I’m only HALF WAY through grad school and my BBDD takes EVERY SINGLE Paycheck I make in child support yet…I still smile everyday.
I remember when I used to be so depressed all the time. I felt like my life was horrific and I was a victim of my circumstances. I felt so alone and hurt. Chile….not anymore.
I’m in love with my life even though there’s no romance on my agenda. The pain in my chest is now an indication of the expansion of my love for myself and others.
I still don’t give a damn what you think…but I love you for your opinion.
I wish I could make love to myself but instead…I’ll just settle for writing these lines and thinking of you and smiling…