Month: February 2004

My son Sai has a fever. So, Im cuddling him and serving him to make him feel better. While he’s on the couch watching Sponge Bob I’m over here missing church again and thinking about my career.

I have done some good things with my writing. But I want more. Maybe thats my problem. Im never satisfied. Anything I do could always be better. Anytime I dream, there could always be more. Sometimes I feel like I may be overcompensating, trying to do more, because I had to stop everything when I had my children and it took me so long to finish school.

But then I remember I was always like that. I always dreamt way bigger than anyone I knew. My vision is to impact generations with my philanthropy and writing and words of wisdom. Most ppl dont dream like that.

I just want to write. More than anything else I want to write and uplift. If money wasnt an issue, this is what I’d do for life. My dream is to sit right here in front of my computer listening to the rain and pouring my heart out for others to read. For me writing is not a selfish thing. I dont write just to vent, though sometimes it leads me to write. While I am writing I ask myself, how will this impact someone? Even if I am sad or upset I dont want my reader to engulf themselves in my negative emotions although I do expect them to empathize with me.

I try to turn it around somewhere at the end. To make myself feel better by remembering a promise of God and to remind the reader that in the end, it all comes down to God’s hope for our lives. He wants to prosper us and give us life abundantly.

Yeah, everytime I pick up a magazine or read something interesting I think to myself, I can do that. I can write like that or better. All I know is that I am where God wants me to be right now. It may not be at the center of a media storm but its a blessed position and if I am faithful He will take me where He wants me to be.

ANd you know what? That sounds good, but I TRULY believe it.

Mind Boggling

I got a lot on my mind. I messed up last week. I didnt count my money right and now my account is in negative. I wont even tell you how much. This hurts me so much because I havent had to pay a non sufficient funds fee in years. I am always on top of things, I always have money. Im so broke right now.

And I really need a new car. My car is tore up. And its only worth $750, if that. I want to give it to my lil sister but Im not sure if I can handle a car note. Well, I know Im responsible. I know I will pay my bill on time, but dang, without all the help I was getting when I was in school, my budget is going to be tight.

I’m not really stressing. Just kinda deflated. I want to be excited about getting a new car. It’s time. I just feel like everything is changing so fast. School loan payments coming up soon. Man…

Mo money mo problems, I guess. I still have to come home for lunch and eat Ramen Noodles everyday.

My first paycheck is still two weeks away. At least my boys dont know how broke we are right now.

Owwww…

I hurt all over. Im sick. My body aches. My mouth is hot and nasty. My kids are starting to irritate me with their whining. Im usually very patient with them.

Can I say something that I am so afraid to admit? Please dont be mad at me, God, but I dont like my job.

I know Im supposed to be grateful that Im making good money and its the kind of job that most people settle into and stay for years but I am bored out of my mind.

Its one of those jobs where you perform tasks. Thats all you do. Someone asks you to do soemthing and you do it. No thinking involved. No creativity. No watching your idea take form and flourish. Am i horrible? I know God must be so mad at me for being like this.

I fight to stay awake at my job and my tasks are not challenging and take about two seconds to perform. And even when things progress its still gonna be the same. Fill out forms, read boring papers- SMILE.

I am so sorry I feel this way. The guilt is eating me alive. I dont want to be ungrateful I just want to be happy to go to work and right now I dread going over there because there’s nothing fulfilling to do.

Dont be mad at me. Im still going to work with the spirit of excellence and try to stay awake all day. Im sorry.

Being in Christ means always striving to be better for God. I want God to be proud of me. I want Him to be happy with me.

Im always so convicted when I hear my Pastor speak. He is ALWAYS talking to me. I always have things I need to work on and right now its loving people. He said that if we have not become a more loving person since coming to Christ, then we dont know Christ.

I dont love everybody. I dont hate anyone, but I dont love everybody. Ever meet those Christians who are just so open and friendly? They love you without being pushy. Their eyes say they love you. They dont smother you with scriptures, they just love you with a hug and a helping hand whenever you ask for it. I have a friend like that. Her name is Mireille. I call her Mimi. I couldnt even begin to write about how Mimi has impacted my life.

She led me to Christ. She held my hand while I was learning. She helped me to hold on until I got joined to the church that God had for me. I am forever grateful. I hope that one day I can love someone like Mimi loved me. I’m not there yet. I have a long way to go.

But you know what? I see my problem and Im willing to work on it.

Lord, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give me another job that will utilize my creativity and nourish my gifting. I hope that only you will get the glory through my work, but I need to actually ENJOY what I do. I know theres more to life than simply working.

Im in Christ so I know theres more. I dont have to settle for a job. I have Christ so I have authority and favor. I WILL GET ANOTHER JOB. I WILL BE HAPPY AT MY WORKPLACE AND GET TO DO AMAZING THINGS WITHIN THE COMMUNICATIONS INDUSTRY. In Jesus name. Amen.

He, he, he!

I know I love God and I am supposed to guard my heart against the craziness that is infiltrating America through television, but…

I love the Dave Chapelle show. Its HILARIOUS! I feel like Im sneaking and watching it. Hey, I gotta go. Just had to make that confession, the commercial break is over.

Remember, Dont tell nobody.

OK, Everyone is going crazy over the Superbowl half-time show. Is this deja-vu? Must be me.

Anyway, I didnt see it because I dont like football unless the Gators are playing FSU but ive seen the replays of the now infamous scene where Justin Timberlake (~sigh) rips off Janets costume and exposes her bare breast. Evryone is up in arms because obscenity and nudity by FCC regulations can not be shown before 10pm when most children are in bed. I learned this in my Law of Communications class.

BUt here it is, a family show and ppl are getting naked. I mean, what did u expect from MTV? This is what they do. Now i know Im not completely pure cuz I watch Dave Chapelle and laugh at his jokes and I wasnt really offended by what happened at the half-time show because I adore celebrities and frankly, nothing surprises me with them. They know they have power and they do whatever they want to without consequence. They are American royalty.

The funny thing is, I keep hearing that Janet Jackson is under fire for the stunt she pulled and I just watched the O’Reilly factor and I wanted to punch him in the mouth for how he spoke about her and defended Justin. Is there a double standard here? Justin pulled the costume off, Janet was just standing there. Hes not getting any bad press. No one is making him stand there like a criminal and apologize to the nation.

If he werent so darn fine I wouldnt like him anymore. But we all know that this is just another story on the front page. Another scandal to talk about in the media. Nothing will change. Until we really want it to change. O-Reilly made some valid points tonight, ill give him that. Until we take a stand against money-grubbing media giants like MTV who are planting seeds of vulgarity in our society and producing offspring who consider this warped behavior normal, we will continue to contribute to the problem.

But my thing is, how can we go back? Its like my life in Christ. All I knew fun to be was, smoking, hunching guys, drinking and wildin out. Now that Im in Christ, there is nothing as exciting as those wild times and I struggle to find excitement in Christ.

So, after being so free and being exposed to so much nudity and loose morals, how do we show society that they can have fun without going to the immoral extreme of intoxication and fornication? How do we take a step back?

Today was the first time I can say I actually enjoyed work. I love it when I have work to do and today I had plenty so I was very pleased.

I know that sounds weird but who wouldnt want some work to do if they couldnt access the internet, read or send personal emails or chat? What else am I supposed to do? I betta have some work to do or I’ll go crazy.

My mama is getting on my nerves. She knows I have no long distance and when she comes online these days shes always telling me she is busy. Its tax seasonand she does ppl taxes on the side. I dont care about her customers I want to chat! I rarely get to interact with ppl as it is. Well, ppl I WANT to interact with. And she is usually a lot of laughs. But nawww, since tax season she think she a professional and be ignoring me for them funky customers. She know all shes gonna do with the extra cash is buy scratch-off tickets! My mama loves scratch-off tickets. For her birthday we sent her $40 so she can scratch until her fingers hurt. She loved it.

She really is easy to please.

So tonight I get to go to church. I havent been in 2 weeks and thats a lot of church I missed considering Im usually there 3 times a week. But alas, my baby’s nose is barely running so i can chance putting him in the nursery whose strict policy is NO RUNNY NOSES. So I used to go and get kicked out and I got tired of that so if he has a runny nose or a cough I just stay home.

But forget about all that. Tonight is church! Gonna get that word! Im gonna feel funny after not being there for two weeks. I hope everyone doesnt run and try to hug me. That annoys me. Well, Im easily annoyed.

Yes I am one difficult woman to deal with. But Im working on that. I guess. ~sigh

YAY!

My boys are gone with their daddy. Yes, he picked them up for his monthly visit this morning and they will be returning tomorrow afternoon. He lives out of town and hes a lawyer so hes busy and cant make it here that often. Its fine by me. Im used to taking care of them by myself.

Me and my baby daddy didnt always get along. I realize it was because he was trying to distance himself from me by being mean to me because he wanted to make sure that I KNEW he didnt want to be with me anymore. He didnt play mind games about that. He didnt go back and forth, he REALLY showed in every word he spoke and every action he made that he was no longer interested. I was so depressed for months. I mean, we do have two kids.

So I was mad for a long time and hurt because as soon as he broke up with me he got back with his ex who is not even cute and shes annoying. And I’m not just salty, its TRUE. She aint even cute!

But whatever. That hurt me a lot so I used to just sit in anger and cry and marinate in that pain. Until one day I was sitting up playing with my kids and out of nowhere I said, “God, I just want your best for me, if it’s not him, then thats okay.”

I couldnt believe I had said that. I had been praying and standing in faith that we would get back together. I was claiming it in Jesus’ name!

How deceived I was. I just wanted what I wanted, I couldnt imagine that anyone else would want me or that God had someone else for me.

But now I see the bigger picture. God wanted it that way. God hardened his heart against me because God has someone so much better for me. The man He intended for me to be with all along. And even though I have two kids, this man will STILL want me and love me and I wont have to settle.

And no, I dont have to date around and take whatever comes along. I will have the man that God had set aside for me and I wont have to do a thing to get him.

If you have no idea what Im talking about, look to your left and click the link that says RECEIVE YOUR SOULMATE. That’s my story that I put on my Blackplanet page and it explains why I dont date.

Its pretty wild, I KNOW! But watch and see, God has a supernatural blessing for me. And who knows, it could happen sooner than I think. ~wink

What a delicious weekend. My boys are on their way back in town and I got to hang out with Bev. I met Bev on BlackPlanet. This online hang-out spot. We never really talked much but something made me invite her out for lunch because she went to UF like I did and I really enjoyed her company. She loves God and is a good woman. What more can I ask for? Well, she seems to be JUST like my friends. I mean EXACTLY.

Pretty, funny, loves God and driven. Before I can even tell her the things that I love to do and dream for she is already saying them to me. She wants to live nice like I do, which means making great money and splurging on shopping trips, vacations and cultural arts. I want to do those same things one day! Well, she cant do them now either but its nice to talk things into existence.

The thing I like about her is that she doesnt have JESUS JESUS JESUS in every sentence, though her love for Him drives each word, ya feel me? She’s not trying to save my soul, yet I dont believe she will allow me to corrupt my inheritance. I invited her to my church because she was looking or a church home and she has been coming faithfully ever since. I am actually surprised that I like her so much.

I didnt want any new girlfriends. I know that sounds un-Christlike but really, it’s annoying trying to get to know someone new and figure out if they’re trustworthy or true. I’m too old and I have enough good friends already, not to have to do that. But, Im glad I met Bev.

But the BIGGEST thing that happened this weekend was getting a note from my sorority sister Shay. She had the BEST news: SHE’S SAVED. She’s on fire and seeking to know God more and I cried when I got that email. She is so beautiful and loving and I can see how God is going to use her in His kingdom. Wow. Its so wonderful to see your prayers being answered and God restoring the people you love to Him.

Yeah.