My life is a miracle.
I woke up this morning, confused as hell.
This is the 4th night in a row that I have dreamt about my BBDD. No, these aren’t X-rated dreams, these are weird because in the dreams we are friends. In one of the dreams, he had both of his legs amputated and I was pushing him around in his wheelchair. In another we were leading a group of teens on a field trip out of town. In each of the dreams we’re working together.
I don’t know.
And then…my heart lifted when I thought about my friend’s website. You guys have to check it out. It’s so amazing.
When I first met him, his love column was email based, then as time went on, he switched to having a blog. Then he got an official website and then he got real design work done on it and then he added his own video show to the site and then he added a comedy sketch series to it and then he added celebrity guests and now he has his own line of apparrel.
Do you get it?
PROGRESS BABY! PROGRESS!
So I’m confused because..he has a girlfriend…but this morning I was feeling so attracted to him. Seriously, I was in a ‘I’m so proud of him I would fuck him’ kind of mode.
Why does progress turn me on so much?
This feeling I have, I know it’s attraction and appreciation but it feels like love..which feels like fear. Do love and fear feel the same?
And when I think about attraction, I think of JB. Remember him?
He was the last man who was sorta my boyfriend…way back when. And it was kinda fun. And I enjoyed him. And he was so fine to me. And he was even skinnier than I am but I didn’t mind. But he also had some traits that I found to be undesireable..but I hung in there anyway because I thought he was wonderful. I guess he didn’t feel the same way about me.
Anyway… I’m scaring myself this morning because I have not given any thought to being in a relationship in a while. Maybe it’s this appreciation/attraction for my friend that’s doing it to me today. Or maybe I’m just infatuated with the idea of progress itself. Maybe I’m in love with progress and anyone who exhibits it, will become the object of my affection.
Or maybe I’m jealous. I have so many projects that I flitter and flutter between and none of them is REALLY consistent and polished. Maybe this feeling for my friend is jealousy mixed with admiration.
I don’t know… All I know is.. I wish this feeling will go away because it causes me to wonder if I’m missing something….