Relax, Relate, Release

Can a sista get a back massage? Any offers?

Dang… Tonight I went to my girl Nadine’s house which was so needed. She has a son named Devin who is five and my sons like to play with him. When I go over there it’s cool because she always plays with them and I kinda just lie down on the couch and vegitate. Cool as a cucumber.

While we were talking tonight i realized some major things about myself. We were talking about jobs and she asked me if I would like to work with people. I thought back to the jobs that I had before I had children and my favorite job was being the bright, perky hostess at Bennigans. I also loved working the customer service desk at TJMAXX and being a deli worker at Krogers. I REALLY loved being a sales associate at Zales, the diamond store.

But since I’ve had my children I’ve changed so much and I wonder if I can still enjoy those type of people related jobs. I remember when I was a freshman in college, I took this class about improvisational comedy and I loved it! I was so good at it that I moved up several levels in one semester. After I had my sons, I needed one more theatre elective to meet my outside concentration which was THEATRE and I signed up for the class again, thinking this will be an easy A. It wasn’t.

In fact, I HATED that class. All the time we were crawlinga round the floor pretending we were lions or singing songs and jumping around I was thinking, “I have so many other things I could be doing right now. I dont have time to just have fun.”

I couldn’t allow myself to just have fun and play. I felt so awkward, like pure fun was for kids or the single people with no kids. “I am an adult. I have responsibilities. I dont have time for fun,” I would tell myself.

This attitude has carried over to my entire life. I’m always tense, walking around with this thoughtful look on my face. People are always asking me if I need to take a nap. LOL! Uh…yeah.

The thing is, I’m not always stressing. I’m usually just planning my next move. Like tonight I’m planning how I am going to get my sons to Mimi’s house before my ride comes to take me to Tallahassee this weekend. (It’s my girl TAMARA’S 25th birthday!) My ride should be here at 7pm which means I have to feed my boys and bathe them and get them to Mimi’s house and come back here before 6:30 so I can be catch my ride.

Usually I have a lot on my mind like:

Getting my son approved for headstart.

Choosing a new daycare and weighing the costs vs. convenience vs. how much their daddy is willing to pay.

Wondering if/when I will be able to work on my website again.

Learning to cut my boys hair and make it look decent.

Dealing with getting older and still not doing what I would like to be doing.

Making an effort not to be stand offish with their daddy, simply because he’s not around.

Am I doing things right by God’s standards?

When will I do things right by my church’s standards?

Am I saving enough?

Why is everything changing so fast for everyone else?

Lord, please help me stay awake at my job.

My back really hurts.

This is too insightful. I also realized that one of the reasons I can’t just enjoy having fun for fun’s sake is because I am saved now. I know that sounds crazy but my walk with God has stressed me out so much from day one. I put so much pressure on myself to be right and I forget about God’s grace over my life. I forget that I am still young in Christ and I am still growing. I hold myself to a high standard and I’m still trying to figure some things out about being carefree in Christ.

Being saved should not be a burden. My salvation should lighten my burden because God wants us to give Him our worries.

I haven’t done that. I worry for me and everyone I know. Well, not really worry, I just think about things over and over and over until they are resolved.

I’m supposed to be going on a cruise to the Bahamas in two months. I paid for it, but I am not excited. I’m nervous because I dont know anyone that is going. Some kids from my church planned it. They are all my age its just that I FEEL older than they are. And they think I’m older too. I’m wondering how I can relate to these kids who are like I used to be, so carefree and hopeful.

Today I pledge to actively and consistently petition God about this matter. I dont want to be uptight anymore. I want to laugh and joke and be cool. Which is kinda hard to do when everyone I know has moved away, is moving away or is getting married. Soooo…

Ya’ll I dont know. All I know is, this is no way to live my life. Especially my life in Christ.

I need to relax and let myself laugh.

I’m Back

Voice gone

Dead tired

Hardly slept at all this weekend

I promise the COMPLETE story by tomorrow

I’m too tired to write

All I have to say is

It is SO wonderful to be among friends who love you for who you are

Catch ya later Bill & Ted!

Celebration Time

This is the story of my weekend in Tallahassee, some parts have been omitted to protect the not so innocent. As we all agreed when we got on the road, what goes on in Tallahassee stays in Tallahassee.

On the Road

I was sitting on my living room floor watching TV when I hear my name called from outside. Startled, I peeked out the patio door and saw Mischa and her sister Janae standing there laughing. They had lost my phone number and couldn’t call me to tell me they were on their way to pick me up so when they arrived I was freshly showered, but wearing just a t-shirt and some old shorts. They could barely remember where I lived so they were standing outside yelling my name in hopes that I would hear them and come out of my building. (Singing~You know you ghetto…)

I stepped into my outfit and out of my room in two seconds. I planned to put on my make-up in the car sometime during our two-hour trip to Tallahassee to celebrate our friend Tamara’s 25th birthday.

They had come all the way from Tampa and scooped me up in Gainesville before heading another 2 hours to the state capitol. Tamara is surely loved.

We stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas and freshen up before we entered the city. It was already past 11 pm so we didn’t have a chance to drop our bags home because Tamara had rented the VIP room at Club Deep to celebrate and we had to meet her there.

Up in da club

My heart is beating fast as we pull up at the club. I hadn’t been to a club in years. I was no longer used to being around men. Especially men who smoked and drank. I was literally shaking as we approached the line to the club and I couldn’t tell if it was from nervousness or the cold weather.

I was dressed modestly in a red, sleeveless sweater top and some striped pants with cute sandals. I looked like I was going to work. Mischa was wearing a corset with flowers on it and a knee-length black skirt with cute flirty sandals. Janae was wearing a halter top and flowing black skirt and sandals.

We approached the long line and Janae called Tamara to see if she could help us in get in faster. Tamara told her to skip the line and walk up to the bouncer at the door. We did it and he checked our names on the list and gave us a wristband and we were in.

The club was just like I remembered it back in the day. It was dark, smoky and full of men gaping openly. I thought I was going to pass out from nervousness and then I saw Tonya walk in looking like a stunner in a black criss-cross halter top and black skin tight pants. She rocked a kangol hat over a sleek pony tail pulled to the side.

As always she flashed me that million dollar smile. “What’s up chick?!” she said and gave me a hug. “Girl, I’m so nervous. I don’t know what to do,” I said and threw a nervous look over my shoulder at the crowd. “Girl, you’re too cute,” she said and laughed like a seasoned club pro. “Let’s go check out VIP.”

We walked over to the VIP room and showed our bands to get in. I could hear Tamara laughing and when I saw her I was amazed. She looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her. My eyes glistened with tears like a proud Mama as I assessed my long-time friend who had reached the quarter-life milestone.

We hugged and I smiled and I stood in awe as she twirled around to showcase her outfit. Her top was tan and extremely sexy, she had coupled it with a mini-skirt and strappy sandals that accentuated her legs. She already had a figure that most women would die for and she bragged about it when she said, “I don’t even look like I had a baby.” Well, she sure didn’t.

Tonya suggested we walk the club.

After my initial shock I was shaking like a loose tooth in a 5 year old’s mouth as I passed by men who were smoking and drinking and smiling at me. I was very uncomfortable because of my life-style. I only entertain men in my dreams.

I decided that I needed a drink. Since Tonya was my designated baby-sitter she went with me to the bar and I bought myself a sex on the beach and slurped it down like it was Gatorade. Oops, was I supposed to drink it that fast?

We went back onto the dance floor and I stood there and watched as everyone gyrated to the music and got krunk. I didn’t recognize any of the songs they were playing. Something like, ‘Shake it like a salt shaker’ was playing and everybody got crazy. I did recognize one song that my mama loves, ‘Everybody in the club getting tipsy’. Imagine me standing in the club thinking about my mama. I’m such a nerd.

After a while I decide I want another drink. So Tonya and I approach the bar again. This time, she tells me to put my money away. “There are too many men in this club for us to be buying drinks,” she says.

“Well, how are we supposed to get them to buy us drinks?” I asked her, because I had never done that before. I always bought my own drinks.

“Just stand by the bar and look pitiful. Someone will buy you a drink,” she said and laughed. “It always works for me.”

I laughed and we stood next to the bar. I was very curious as to whether this would work.

A guy approaches the bar and stands next to us. He was extremely attractive. Tonya says to me in a loud voice, “Girl, these niggas ain’t got no money.” I start laughing and hide my face in embarrassment.

The guy hears her and turns to us, “What are you having?”

“Sex on the beach,” I say.

“Amoretta Sour,” Tonya says.

“That’s REAL!” Tonya says loudly, amping him up, feeding his ego. “That’s how a real nigga do it!”

I’m standing there laughing and laughing and we walked away with our drinks back onto the dance floor. This time I tried to dance but I had forgotten. I know that sounds crazy but I found that I could only shake a lil something, nothing like I used to do. I was off beat and feeling awkward as I watched Tamara and her island girl friends tear it up.

Tamara has such a type cast of friends. All of her friends are from some Caribbean island. They all look alike: light skin, long hair, beautiful bodies. They all look mixed or Spanish. Whenever I meet a friend of hers I think to myself; typical. She always hangs with those light-skinned chicks.

The room lit up for me when I turned around and saw Melissa and her friends had arrived. Melissa and her crew came all the way from Atlanta to party with Tamara. She brought with her Kat, this very chill exotic looking chick that all the guys were trying to get their hands on. She also brought a younger girl who spoke so rarely that I don’t even remember her name.

So here we were a group of about 10 girls all dancing in a circle. I had to step away and indulge my senses into the moment so I would not forget anything. I closed my eyes and inhaled the smell of marijuana, cloves and cigarette smoke. I noticed that it was comfortably warm. No one was sweating but you couldn’t wear a jacket in there.

I checked out the men and was quite impressed. Since this was a college town this was a college crowd and the tenderoni’s were out looking fresh that night. Just like I like’em baby faces and low haircuts and earrings bling blinging. ~sigh.

Tallahassee had some cutie patooties. And all of them were youngstas just like I like’em. Let me sidetrack a bit. I love short men. Tall men are cute but short men are simply georgeous. Give me a guy about 5’6” with a low haircut, I mean a FRESH cut, earrings in both ears and some fresh white sneakers and a smooth face and I’ll melt. Lil Bow Wow is the perfect example of the kind of guy I would go crazy for. I don’t care about the age difference, if you’re over 18 you’re fair game. I love younger guys.

2 am came and the club closed. Everyone poured out into the parking lot and guys macked and women pretended to listen. Tamara came over to me and spun me around and showed me her new car! Not only did Tamara recently move into a sweet 2 bedroom apartment after getting her degree, she also got a brand new SUV, leathered out, sunroof, spoiler, 6 CD changer and everything. And she looked like she belonged on the cover of a magazine.

I felt like my girl was Cinderella. Is this what happens to you when you turn 25?

Cooling Down

Tamara was so hyped she didn’t want to go home and tried to get everyone to go to another club but everyone had just got off the road and was tired. So she got everyone to go to Guthries for chicken fingers instead. There were 6 booths filled with people who came to celebrate with Tamara. She felt like the star she was.

I left with Tonya and spent the night at her house but she woke me up by 8am so that she could drop me off before going to her baby-sitting job for the weekend.

When I got to Tamara’s place, Tamara was not even home yet. She called soon after I walked in, assuring me that she would be there soon. It was 9am when I arrived. I didn’t see Tamara until almost 12:30. Mm, hmm. Where was she? Que Paso?

So I lounged on her couch and watched MTV’s ‘Made’. It was my first time seeing that show. I cried and cried when the girl won homecoming queen. Even though I am a stunner, somehow I feel like the underdog. I identify with the girl who is less than perfect and has to find her confidence and see the beauty within.

Be Out Day

Once Janae and Mischa woke up and Tamara finally made it home, we all got dressed to go out to FAMU’s Be Out Day. Be Out Day is a day to just be out on FAMU’s campus. There is free food, vendors and a concert. There are so many black people. It was just lovely. All kinds of black people dressed in loud colors. I hadn’t seen blue hair in so long. I hadn’t seen gold teeth in so long. Dreads, baby carriages and love handles peeking beneath too-tight tops were plentiful and I felt like I had come home. One guy wore his dreads standing straight up on his head. He had put a hole in the top of his cap so his ‘tree’ could stick out. That is exactly what it looked like; one tall plant sitting on top of his head. I know good and well he couldn’t fit into the car with that thing sticking up.

I love Black people.

We went out there and hung around for a while but all the food was gone by the time we arrived. We saw some rapper guy named Dave Banner come onto the stage. I had no idea who he was. The announcer warned us not to rush the stage or the show would be canceled. Dave Banner announced that he had the flu, but he couldn’t miss the show.

About five minutes into the show Dave Banner jumped into the audience. Everytime we turned around he was hanging from the fence, standing on top of a car, all up in yo face, all the while holding the microphone and rapping. I thought to myself, “They warned us not to rush the stage, they should have warned him not to rush the audience.”

His butt crack was showing and his belly hanging low. I got a good laugh off of that. Just because you can rap doesn’t mean you’re LLCool J. Put your shirt back on dude.

When the sun started to get to us, we left and picked up this wild child named Tasha before going over to the mall. We didn’t really shop. We ended up eating and hanging out.

Wildin’ Out at the mall

We sat up in that food court for four hours, talking about everybody that walked by. Remember now that most of us were from out of town and no one there knew us so they were all peeping us wondering who we were and why we were sitting up there like we ran the mall. We saw a really cute man across the way wearing sunglasses and staring at us. When I pointed him out, he licked his lips all sexy like. I told the group; Next time he licks his lips, let’s all give him a round of applause.

We started wilding out after that. We arranged our chairs in a semi-circle facing the food court walk-thru. Everyone had to pass by us unless they went out of their way to walk around. Then Melissa said, “If we see someone walk by who looks like their feet are hurting let’s snap our fingers.” Everyone died laughing. When we saw a cutie we all decided to sip at him and call him over. So there we were in the middle of the mall, clapping, snapping and sipping at guys for hours!

That night Tamara was having a house party at some guy’s house. So we were on a mission to invite all the cuties we saw. Everytime we saw a cutie we called him over and asked him some questions about himself and then if he seemed okay, we would give him directions to the party.

At first we didn’t realize what we were doing to these poor guys but after I was about to reject one guy for acting like a punk, Tamara leaned over to me and whispered, “He’s nervous. That’s why he’s acting like that.” Oh my gosh! I hadn’t even thought about that. We were putting these guys on the spot. There he stood in front of ten stunning women that he had never seen before, asking him questions and looking him up and down. I would be nervous too. The next guy who we called over told us he was nervous and asked if he could sit down while we talked to him.

I’ll never forget the directions to the house party. I said it so many times I felt like I really knew where I was going. “The party is on Chapel Drive. You know where Osceola Hall is? Yeah, it’s right up that street. You go up the hill and stop at the stop sign. The house is on the left.”

The wild child Tasha had a tape recorder that she kept using to interview guys and ask them all kinds of crazy questions. As one guy tried to talk to our resident cutie Toya, she asked his permission to record the conversation. She made her introduction, “This is how ya’ll niggas sound when ya’ll trying to holla.” And put the mic in his face.

He leaned over to Toya and proceeded to flirt with her. “Yo, what’s up? What’s your name?” Toya spoke directly into the microphone. “Toya.”

“Well, what school you go to, ma?”

Again Toya spoke directly into the microphone, “I go to FSU. I’m a senior.”

“What are you doing tonight?”

“I’m going to my friend’s birthday party. It’s a house party on Chapel Drive.”

We all cracked up at this exchange.

The Walk By

Then Tamara caught a glimpse of the one who got away. We’ll call him Church Boy. When she met him he gave her a WWJD wrist band that she thought was cool. She figured he was really into God and would be a good influence on her. She asked him why people called him Church and he laughed at said, “That’s my last name.”

So Tamara hadn’t seen Church Boy in almost two months so she often wondered what it was going to be like when they actually met face-to-face.

She saw him and gasped and grabbed me. It seems as if he vanished because we both blinked and didn’t see him again. Tamara was sure he was still at the mall but we all needed to go get dressed for the house party. Tamara wanted to do a walk by and we all huddled to get the instructions. None of us had ever seen Church Boy before so we didn’t know who to look out for but Tamara really wanted to walk by him and make sure he saw how good she was looking.

Since we had been sitting there making fun of everyone else, as soon as we stood up everyone got self-concious. Kat said, “See, now we look like all those people we were talking about.” Melissa whispered in my ear, “They’re gonna laugh at my jellies [shoes], dawg. I know it!”

I straightened my shirt and put on a smile. We walked across the walk way and Tamara introduced us to a few guys and then we continued our stroll through the food court. All eyes were on us, we could feel it as people tried to figure out who we were. One guy grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “Yes, you are.” After he read my shirt that had the word BEAUTIFUL printed across it. As we passed by another guy yelled out, “Which one of ya’ll wanna talk to me?!”

We were almost to the exit when Tamara screamed and pulled us together. “He was right there, did ya’ll see him?!” He had been on our path and had indeed seen Tamara looking good. “He looked like a ghost had just walked by,” Tamara squealed with glee. “And when I saw him, he looked like he was getting up to say Hi to me and I kept on walking.” I guess our walk-by was successful.

Getting Krunk

After that we went back to Tamara’s place to discuss the Church Boy situation and get dressed. Mischa looked ravishing in a smart pair of jeans that looked like she had been poured into and a multi-colored halter top and a pair of heels. Tamara decided on a bright yellow top with some green drawstring capris and heels. I wore a pair of jeans a brown top with my favorite beaded choker.

We went over to Publix to meet up with the other half of our crew, Melissa, Kat and the silent girl. They looked absolutely stunning in their mini-skirts, heels and matching hats. We all drove over to Tamara’s ‘friend’s friend’s house. Tamara’s new friend is Jose. So he opened us up to a whole new spectrum of cuties, the chicos.

His friend’s name was Adrian. Adrian is so fine he deserves his own pargaraph. He is a serpent type of guy who slides from one female to the next, trying to make her feel like she’s the only one, when he’s doing the same thing with everybody. But he’s so doggone fine you probably wouldn’t care. He looks like he’s Dominican and u know what that means.

We start to get krunk with Jose’s friend’s who are all engineering seniors. I start teasing them asking them if they have any homework to do. We’re all ready to go and they won’t even turn off the basketball game even thought it’s only two minutes left. I say, “You know how those engineers are, they have to get everything down to the last common denominator.”

The House on Chapel Drive

So finally everyone is ready to go and we go up Chapel Drive to the house. We’re the first to arrive and immediately start dancing even though the DJ hasn’t even shown up yet. The DJ arrives and sets up in the basement and the keg arrives along with the hunch punch. It is truly a college house party.

The basement is the main stage for the party, however there is a covered porch outside the entrance to the basement that leads you outside. Inside the basement there are stairs that lead you to the main house where there are also drinks and people hanging out.

As the night goes on we’re on the dance floor and more and more people show up. It’s a rainbow coalition up in that piece. It’s an even mix of white people, black people and Latin people and everybody is dancing with everybody. I even danced with some guys even though I don’t know how to dance.

At one point, the party was vibing so hard, every crevice of the house was packed with kids spilling out into the streets. It was as if we all had the same heartbeat. Janae exclaimed to all the girls in our circle, “Hey! This looks just like that Sean Paul video.” Everybody laughed and agreed. Well, except me. I made a mental note to watch that video.

All the guys that we invited from the mall showed up. It was so crazy seeing them there. The guy in the Orange Hat, the cutie with the nice smile, Nappo and his crew, the Jailbird, the guy who was lieing about being a freshman, even the guy who was clearing our tables at the mall showed up.

Everyone began to leave around 5am. We were all so hungry but we had to wait until everyone left to go and get some food. Finally, around 5:30 the house was empty. The only place open was McDonald’s so we went there and got in their ridiculous drive thru line.

I’m in the back seat of Tamara’s truck, Mischa is in the front and Tam is driving. Jose and his friends are hanging outside the truck talking to us. The police come by and threaten to arrest them for loitering so they hop in the back seat with me and try to convince us all to go back to their place for an afterparty. None of us are feeling it. It’s 6am, excuse me, time change so it’s actually seven. We’re still in the drive thru at McDonald’s. They messed up our order. We only ordered some chicken nuggets. Dang!

The next day we all meet up at Tamara’s house around noon and spend two hours reminiscing on what a crazy weekend we had. I had forgotten what it was like to get cute and hang out with the girls. I am still young. I am still cute. I am still fun to be around. I really needed this reminder.

I hope you enjoyed my story.


What’s the deal?

You guys know how my biological father came back into my life about a year and a half ago. I havent really opened myself up to him. I have been rejecting him because I feel like he’s being too pushy. I feel like he’s trying to come in after 23 years and hold some authority over me although he is just like a stranger to me.

This weekend I will most likely go to Miami for a visit. I havent been down there since last Memorial Day when I got this tattoo that I HATE. LOL I was wildin out!

I plan to go see Russell who is my biological father and I also plan to go see the man who I thought was my daddy this whole time. His name is Clarence. He didnt raise me and he wasnt a part of my life but when I thought of “daddy” I thought of him.

Although he and my mama didnt get along, I know he loved me. I was his oldest girl. I was his girl. The last time I saw him I was 19. He had remarried and had 4 kids. We didnt keep in touch.

I was talking to my uncle Curtis tonight. Curtis is Clarence’s brother (the one I thought was my daddy) and I told him what happened. He was very quiet and joked about us hooking up since we arent really related. (Curtis and I are the same age). But as we talked about telling the family that we are not really blood, I broke down. I didnt know where that came from. All these years I though I didnt have any feelings for Clarence, my daddy. I just felt sorry for him.

Now I realize I did love him. He was my daddy, although he was missing in action. Now I dont even have that memory anymore. Now I have this weird man who is too aggressive and trying to bully me into loving him and accepting him and that pisses me off. He actually told me I better make it my business to come see him. Hell naw…

I already had a daddy. Why did this man have to come into my life? Why did he have to ruin everything I had before. It wasn’t great. But it was mine. It was my mess and I was comfortable in it.

Now I feel horrible because I dont love Russell, my bio-dad. I dont want to love him. I just want him to leave me alone, but i am obligated, because of my relationship with God, to honor him and at least try to build something with him.

Sometimes I sit here and I think I hate him. Sometimes I wish that my number was unlisted and he couldnt have found me. Immediately after he got my number from 411 I changed it and unlisted myself.

What is it with these men? They think they can act anyway they want to and then just pop in and out like it’s okay.

They desert you and then expect you to welcome them with open arms. Like you’ve just been a broken mess without them. I have been just FINE thankyou! I take out my own trash. I get my car fixed by MY DAMN SELF! I pay my bills, handle my kids and make all the decisions on my OWN! I dont need your sorry ass!

I’m fine. I’m fine. Leave me alone.

Allow me

Who am I but a tiny ant in an ant farm

God holds the glass case

Glancing my way, checking up on me

See, although I can not fathom His greatness

I can feel His presence

I can feel His passion welling up in me

Yet day by day I fulfill my mundane tasks

Inside my spirit cries to break free and be

What He intended for me to be

I’m climbing this hill

Carrying this load

I see the world around me plus the weight of my soul

My past mistakes lead to super responsibility

And I carry these daily

Mentally and physically

All I want is once chance

One chance

To do my thang

Open myself up

Let u see, what’s in me

To heal you and me


You feel me

As much as I am down for Him

As much as I was cleansed from sin

As much as I invite you in

I still can’t stop this fight within

To dare to dream and dream again

That one day


Will write

Change your life

Make you smile

With these keys

Can I please

Share my world

Share my love

Become one with you


Simple words

On a screen

I see you in me

Be one with me

Home Sweet Home

I went to Miami this weekend. There seems to be a lot more Spanish people than I remember. It has been a year but I don’t know…

I went on a visiting spree starting early Saturday morning with Marsha. We went to breakfast and then to Aventura Mall where I found the cutest pair of Capri’s, they have cherrys in all the right places. LOL. Im gonna save them for the right occasion.

I went to see my cousins, my biological father, my father, my grandma and so many others. I even got to see Dianna who came to watch me get dressed for my outings.

My favorite part was hanging with my former uncle Curtis. He has a nice apartment and he’s a really sweet guy.

When I got back to Gainesville my stomache tightened and my spirits drooped. I had just left my family, my friends, the beach to come back to a place that is not so inviting.

I love Gainesville, I do. I just would love to have some fun every now and then. When everyone you know has moved away and you’re still in the same place it makes you feel like you havent accomplished anything.

For real, the only reason I’m still here is because of my church. I fell like God wants me to be there. But honestly my church is the most stressful part of my life. I think I would be less stressed out if I went elsehwhere, or Maybe I’m wrong.

There’s nothing like the Word at my church. It is the BEST word I have ever heard- Lifechanging and Powerful and always on point. It’s different and fascinating and they are training up an army of powerful people to represent Christ. I just sit back in awe sometimes at the wisdom displayed by my Pastors.

I have a good relationship with my Pastor, but that’s about it. I’m not involved in anything. I dont have any friends. I dont really like anyone there too much. No one seems interesting to me. My Pastor keeps trying to hook me up with women that I find absolutely boring. I mean for real, snoozeville.

And because of my tendancy to please people, I am in constant self-condemnation because I can’t bond like My Pastor wants me to. I try to force myself to like some of these women but there is absolutely no spark.

This is the most frustrating thing about church. I just want to go and chill. If I dont want to talk to anyone or hang out then cool, but thats not how they do it there. They preach a strong word about us all being family. Well, I dont feel like family. Maybe I’m not supposed to be there because if I were, wouldnt I feel like family?

I feel like God wants me there. But then I wonder if God wants me to be in this state of complaceny and just BLAH. My life is BLAH. Nothing to look forward to, escept my sons. No fun girls nights anymore since all my friends have left except for Ruby. It’s just me, my computer and my unlimited long distance.

Does God want this for me? Or would God want me to be with my family and have my sons grow up knowing their family. I’m so isolated up here. I spend holidays alone. What kind of mess?

If I get a job offer anywhere in Miami it will take a hurricane to keep me from accepting the offer.

So, It’s official. I’m planning to move to Miami. I know my Pastor won’t like it, but I have never heard of my Pastors agreeing with anyone moving away. I just dont want to be up here because I’m afraid to have them mad at me for leaving.

Sometimes, I worry more about what my Pastors will think than what God will think. That’s unbalanced.

Pray for me.


Yes, I’m on a search. A search for peace and love. Not romatic love just that love that knows no boundaries. That love that withstands issues and fears. That love that looks past mistakes and bad habits.

I’m beginning my job search and I am nervous. I have asked God to lay it all out if it is in His will for me to move but I can not fathom that He would want me to stay here with no support and no pleasure. Like I said before, my church is great, but my church is only a small part of my life.

I dont know what is about to happen. Honestly, I’m scared. I’m uncertain. I know where I want to be in life but I dont know how I will get there. Right now I’d settle for a little pleasure and being around people who actually enjoy my company.

I’m hopeful because I can see all the good that will come out of this move. Yes, I know family is never perfect and being home will just be a different kind of stress, but you can’t remain stagnant forever.

But what about spiritual growth? Will this move be good for my spiritual life? Right now I dont see how. There are only a few friends in Miami who are saved and they live extremely busy lives. But just like I found a good church here I can find another one. I’m tired of feeling like my salvation is tied to my attendance at my church.

Do I trust myself to still serve God in a different atmosphere, with much more freedom? Is my relationship with God based on the fact that there isn’t much else to do? Up here there’s no trouble to get into. No men to snare me. No temptations. It’s safe and its easy and I always know that I’m pleasing God because I dont do anything but sit up in my apartment and talk on the phone. Nothing too risque.

I feel like I’m a different person than I was the last time I lived there and through my growth I have grown past a lot of things. Yeah, i’ll admit it, I was a hoe. Undercover as ever but still promiscuous nonetheless. I think I still have some hoeish tendencies in me that remain dormant while I am here under the tight constraints of my church covering.

Sex is not a struggle for me. I dont struggle everyday, but every once in a while I just want to get beat down. Excuse me if that was too harsh but it’s how I feel. Most times I’m not bold enough to go do it, but there’s always the rare slip-up.

I’m not a club person but i like to get dressed up and walk around looking cute. I dont know.

All I know is I can not conform to what my Pastor wants me to feel. It will have to come from my own heart. So far, I’ve been doing everything out of obedience to him and not my own desire. Am I doing things just to please Him? Yes. Do I think this honors God? I dont know.

God said He will never leave me nor forsake me. And I dont plan to walk away from Him either. SO i have to trust that my heart will line up with His and I will be EXCITED about His will for my life. If He wants me to stay here, away from all the people that love me, then He has to change my situation and make it so I have some love here.

Who wants to go through life feeling like they are unloved and unappreciated?Everyone wants to be loved.

Ruby is going through the same situation I am. She’s about to move to Atlanta. Check out her journey as she searches for MORE…



Ruby got the job with the Business Travel Division at the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead so she’s off to fulfill her dream of moving to Atlanta.

Ohhh, I only had two friends here Ruby and Mimi and now Ruby is outta here. I’m gonna miss my friend.

To my Uncle Pete, Muvie, Clean Up Woman, Ms. MAC Cosmetics- I LOVE YOU and goodluck!

So the question becomes…

Is this God’s will?

Yes, I want to move back down to Miami. To have family around, to have friends around, to be in a place where I can further my career or at least work in a job that has SOMETHING to do with my passion. But, is it God’s will?

Will I be patient enough to wait and hear His voice or will I allow my emotions to make me act before I receive a confirming word?

Damn, why is this so hard? Before I was in Christ I could do whatever I wanted to, life was so carefree. Now, i consider God in all my decisions and believe that He will guide me. Hoping I dont hear misinterpret what he is saying. That is so stressful for me. It’s no longer about me. It’s about God’s plan for me and sometimes His plan is not lining up with my plan.

I’m gonna bite the bullet on this one. Yeah, I’m not happy here. yeah, all I want is some friends like Dianna, Marsha and Susan around me. Yeah, I could be working for a nymber of magazines, newspapers, in PR or Marketing if I moved to Miami but…Is that God’s will?

You know, I see what He has promised me. And I hurt. I hurt right now because it’s not here yet. Right now I just want some sort of pleasure instead of all this pain and loneliness.

Wouldn’t it be just dandy if God’s will for me was to stay here and stay at this church that I dont feel joined to? Wouldn’t that be the hard road, the thing people talk about when they say, “Carrying your cross”? As Christians aren’t we supposed to endure some heartbreak, some pain, some misery, because that’s how we show God we appreciate what He did for us by sending us His son?

Well, I dont know the answer to that one, but if heartache after salvation equals appreciation to God, then I already presented Him with a great big trophy.

Lord, if you hear me. Please speak to me. I’m your baby. I just want to be loved. I just want to please you and be in your will. But why does your will always seem to be the rough road? When will I live life abundantly?