Posted on

A Little Excitement Coming

I am in like….total bliss right now…

Yeah…a lot of stuff is up in the air but I’ve been there a million times and it only leads to adventure. I sure do have an idea of the adventure I’d like to experience next.
See…
I met a bad one…
And I don’t mean big booty pretty or anything like that…I just mean… I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Suddenly, I’m not afraid to be myself. Suddenly, I’m envisioning myself with another baby and a family. Suddenly, I’m looking at myself in the mirror knowing that someone out there thinks I’m great and loves vibing with me.
I met this girl…
She is super amazing. Like..not only is she creative, but she’s an open minded person too. She’s sooo boyish…and I love that. From her jeans to her cap, and her long braided hair- oh gosh…. I get so excited when I even think of her. She’s what they call a “stud” in the gay world.
And she’s beautiful… She says I am more beautiful than she is but I can’t even agree…
And at first I was scared because with most dudes I was always in control….I could control my feelings and interactions with them. I could cut them off and never think twice about it. I never lost out on anything, to me.
But with her…she makes the pace. She’s slowing me down, which is what I realize i used to do- go FAST…mainly because I wanted it to hurry up and end. Another way to sabotage your relationships.
But with her…she is not having it.
And we talk every minute we can. And we fall asleep on the phone at night. And we miss each other when we can’t talk. The expression of emotion between us is so amazing. We talk about how we feel. We communicate on a whole different level. We communicate for understanding instead of dominance. She is so goofy. She makes me laugh all day and nite. I love waking up in the mornings to her text messages. She is so sweet….
My heart is hurting right now and she just told me she’d call me back. What the fuck is this?
She’s so beautiful….
So beautiful….
I have no idea what’s happening and I’m scared and excited at the same time.
Posted on

She’s My Mirror


She’s a mirror.

I saw myself so clearly…From the first time I saw her picture I felt a jolt. Now whether it was my uterus clinching or some divine sign from heaven I don’t know..but I surely wanted to get to know her.
She was beautiful…and I felt like she definitely matched my fly…and she responded to me in the same way. We talked and vibed and vibed and talked and I began to crave every minute we had to talk on the phone. At first I was just playing around thinking this is a girl…I can’t be attracted to her like THAT. But I was…and she’s so different. She’s like a mixture of me and my sister…both of my sisters. She can be so sweet but so mean…
We both are confused about what we want and honestly…the paths our lives are going down don’t really complement each other…We want different things.. She wants a family and to be home and I want to travel the world being a journalist and empowering and uplifting people through my creative works.
Yet…the way I felt when I was talking with her..how comfortable I felt…made me re evaluate my vision for my future. Funny how meeting someone special can do that to you…
My sisters and my friends were amazed…I never talked about having more kids because I never want to be tied to a man like that for the rest of my life. No man deserves my seed. They won’t get it.
She was my mirror because she showed me that I am not myself when I am attempting to engage in a relationship. I become what I think the other person wants me to be as long as it doesn’t interfere with me going for my dreams..but in this case…I think I compromised that just to see…if what I think being loved feels like.
I want to experience it for myself instead of just celebrating the love of others. It steadfastly alludes me but thanks to my mirror I can see another way that I sabotage my chances at receiving love.
I just want to get away from her…stop thinking about her…I want this to be over with so I can go on my merry way and chalk it up to another bad attempt at bonding romantically.
I won’t try again…I’m too worn out. Funny thing is…I didn’t try with this…I just wanted to know her and the feeling was mutual so it flowed naturally… and then here I come…being me…again…
you know…
But the funny thing is…when I talked to Tamara about it…she reminded me of how every week she’ll tell me a story about her interactions with her man and i’ll say, “And he actually puts up with you?”
Tamara knows she can act out and she will admit it…but for some reason..this man puts up with it. He thinks she’s worth it…
I think so too…
As for me….Yall know I’m crazy… Who could ever be strong enough to handle that?
Posted on

Everything Is Everything

I woke up SMILING today! I was jumping up and down in my spirit…LOL

I feel so great!

Last night I was all anxious and scared because the type of women that I’m meeting on DL and in real life are such good PEOPLE. I’m not usually open to creating new friendships because I’m not friendly but i really respect them and the two that I am dating treat me so WELL!

Its freaking me out a little because I’m used to being the giver and the aggressor when I used to date men but with these ladies I don’t have to. For some reason, my schedule at work has been mostly lunch shifts which is annoying because you do the same amount of work and get way less tips since ppl don’t tip big during lunch. SMH.

But since I can always see the bright side of things, having evenings off has given me more time to socialize….and socialize I HAVE! LOL

I’m so happy today and I am so looking forward to my date tomorrow night., lets call her Sweetie. She treats me so well…really caters to me and all she asks in return is that I enjoy how she treats me. I just sit there and am pampered and she just smiles cuz that’s what she likes to do. lol

The other chick, Dimples, is so cute and I really have to say with her i did something different. At first site/contact I was not attracted to her at all. She annoyed me with her aggression and interest but she was so persistant that I felt like she deserved some of my time and when I finally decided to just see what she’s about..oh my gosh…i think she’s so much fun and I can tell I could like..really like her. She treats me so well!

She stopped by last night to see me and we vibed for about an hour just laughing. I always have fun with her… She’s so sweet. I told my sister about it and she said, “Duh…women are always sweet. You’re gonna be happy because they will never forget your birthday or your anniversary! That’s how we do our man!’ LMAO

I’m a little nervous about recent transitions but I know that EVERYTHING that happens is for my good…