And It Goes On

Still transitioning. I finally passed my Red Lobster tests and I have to serve the manager before I am allowed to join the real servers. I’m learning a lot on my way to becoming a seafood expert- LOL!

Everybody at work is cool so far. I just wonder what these tips are gonna look like. Denny’s was so down home and relaxed and I just vibed with my customers, these customers are hoping for a different experience but I trust that I can bring my swagger when the time comes.
Im still being supported by my guy friend. He’s the same, a sweetie and teaching me what it’s like to be taken care of by a man. I never thought this would happen although for some reason I always imagined it for myself.
I can never go back to what I had with the other guys in my past. This man is showing me what it’s like to be with someone who recognizes my prize, cuz I never recognized it before. By the time he and I are done doing whatever it is that we are doing, helping each other come up, I believe I will be more relaxed around men and expect good things from them. We’ll see how that goes.
I went to see my Daddy today. Haven’t seen him since I was about 19 or so. I was afraid to see him because in my mind he’s “Daddy” yet I have not used that term outside of sex since he left when I was 7. But I went and we vibed and talked and After chilling with him I realize that life is life…
If you mess up sometime, just try to do better next go round.
I miss my friend DEEP. We rarely ever speak. I’m not a night owl like I used to be and now I have this man in my life so…you know how it goes. I remember the fun times we used to have on the phone and hanging out in the streets of Miami. I remember him introducing me to everyone on the scene and enjoying every minute of it. I also remember being hurt a lot, but that was my fault.
It’s so wild because just before I met the new guy, I was on the phone with DEEP and I was crying about whatever and I told him, “I just feel like my life is going in a new direction and I feel like you’re not gonna be a part of that.”
This new guy reminds me of DEEP in the direction they want to go in life. They believe they are healers and want to uplift communities. They both believe they are going to die at a young age. They are both entertainers. They are even the same age. The biggest difference is that when the new guy and I have a disagreement or difference of opinion, he doesn’t yell or talk down to me. When we talk, we talk for understanding, not to be right or to win. I like that.
I’m watching the Color Purple on BET right now. Haven’t seen this movie in forever. In my mind I want to cry. I haven’t had much reason to cry lately but I guess I’m so used to being sad that my body is aching for a release. I hope the ending scene where Celie and Nettie will allow me to drum up enough emotion to release whatever is in my heart right now.

Finally Updated

I don’t even know where to start. Wait. We can start with this photo of Kanye and his girlfriend Amber Rose. I really, really want to hit that. Her, not him. Kanye is lucky as fuck.

Man….I saw these pics yesterday and it made me feel kinda sad. I always felt like my man should be someone super special and talented and uber successful and instead…well, ya know.
I kinda wish I hadn’t been introduced to Kanye because now no other man compares. And I haven’t even met his ass. I just feel like I want the best and none of these dudes around me compare to that kind of drive and talent. I still love Kanye and if I nev
er meet someone equally successful and brilliant…I guess I always will.
In other news, my guyfriend, who I never named, will remain nameless. LOL! I don’t know what the hell happened with him, but once again, I feel like I’m facing someone completely new. Everything we based our friendship around was just…a lie.
Once again, I’m relieved. I can’t help it. I SAY that I want a relationship but I’m so much more calm and happy when I’m not in one and I’m just sitting on the side
lines rooting for my friends as they go through their relationship drama.
I’m still working at Red Lobster and I do like it. I miss Denny’s so much though. The raggedy people coming in wearing their pajamas. The teenagers coming in after their dates. I miss the pancakes too. All my co workers miss me and I went back for a visit after the club one night and everyone there told me how much they missed me and how customers still come in asking for me…and leave when they find out I’m no longer there.
Red Lobster is a trip though. The managers are super serious about being the best of the best of the best. I laugh at them when they trip about my check being open too long. I know they’re just trying to do their job so how can I be mad about that?
My relationship with DEEP has changed so much. I see him maybe once a month and we speak on the phone once a week. Talk about a cut back in hours. He’s so funny. He called and went off on me for ignoring him and trying to act funny with him. I thought it was cute. I apologized. I just…like how things are right now. When I do get to speak to him, I smile. We don’t fight anymore. He doesn’t get on my nerves anymore. I am still rooting for him, just as a fan instead of making the pursuit of his success my obligation.
I always do that. If someone is around me and they want to do something I will dig right in and do everything I can to help them do it. Then I start to feel like I’
m obligated to do for them and the moment the favor is not returned I get upset. That’s not cool. I’m learning to say No. I said NO yesterday and the day before. Now I see why my Mama says NO to everything. It’s liberating.
School is about to start back in a couple of weeks for me. I only have lik
e..6 classes to go before I move on to my year long practicum and then I’m done with my masters in Marriage/Family/Couples Counseling. Geesh! In the meantime, I’m hoping that somehow I can figure out how to really help couples to heal their relationships…which boggles me right now cuz I can’t maintain a relationship to save my life. But I don’t want to really. I never meet anyone who makes me WANT To stick it through. I always want to run away and I stay around for a minute just because I feel like the person needs me but they don’t. They just have me around because they can and because they know I will do whatever to make them happy.
Tamara and I were talking about attraction the other night. You know that feeling you get when you first see someone and your body gets that OOOOHWEEEE feeling and you don’t even know their name? Man!
I remember the last time that happened to me. I was on South Beach at the album release party for this rap group and as I interviewed the members of the group, one of them just caught my gaze and held it. I wanted to jump the hell on him right then and there. It was like…a magnet. His fine ass was pitch black dark, with dreads and golds and he was so fresh. I wanted to have his baby right then and there! But I just smiled and walked away. LOL!
But I read an article recently that said that we intellectualize our relationships too much. It suggested that instead of creating a “Must have” list for a potential mate, try going with the feeling of attraction that pulls you toward a person. Forget about what other people will say or think about your attraction. That attraction will outlast any physical features that the person may hold.
When both Tamara and I analyzed our past relationships, we have always been with someone who we weren’t initially attracted to, but grew to like or even love. Now Tamara is with someone that she is crazy about. Why? I Don’t know. LOL! Let me stop playin…I guess I could see why she likes him but I still don’t like him. Maybe I won’t like anyone
she is with. Maybe I’ll be jealous forever and not want to share my bestfriend with anyone. Or maybe I’ll give in when I see a man who is crazy about her and she is crazy about him too.
Speaking of crazy…
I’m not gonna mention her ex. Oh, I just did. That dude loves him some Tamara. He showed up at her house and he had a goatee. He grew it because she told him she liked it. Isn’t that sweet? Too bad she is still ain’t attracted to him. And he is still georgeous! I don’t know… She thinks he stalks her. Like…she is paranoid about it. Like…she calls me in a pan
ic some nights as she is walking to her car because she swears she sees him driving behind her and he lives 5 hours away. I try to make fun of it by saying, “He’s already in your car.” She’ll laugh and we’ll talk until she gets home safely. I hate that shes going through this. Everytime she sees a Lexus symbol in her rear view mirror she panics.
I can’t imagine what she’s going through. To love someone and then fear them at the same time.
My boys are starting 4th grade and 2nd grade next week. I’m so proud of them. Their Daddy is doing such a good job of taking care of them. I saw his girlfriend last week when I picked my boys up to take them to dinner. She has a big afro on her head and it was bangin! She looked nice! Found out my Baby Daddy’s mom lives down here again. She’s looking for a job now.
My Mama doing okay. She crazy.
Yesterday it was so freaking hot that I went to my cousin’s house to swim in his pool and when I was done I gave him a ride to one of his friend’s houses. I don’t know how I got turned around somehow but when I blinked again I was driving by my biological father’s house. I saw a few guys sitting on the porch so I immediately turned my car around and parked.
I have never seen a man so happy to see me. It was two of m
y big brothers, who I haven’t seen since 2007. They hugged me so tightly and my brother who is my same age said, “Dad’s in the hospital. I’m about to go see him. Come ride with me.”
So i hopped in his car and we sped downtown. I was all emotional about seeing him because…I don’t really like to think of him at all. He’s 63 years old. He sorta looks like me. The thought of me makes me wanna hurl for some reason. He’s alrite.
I cried on the way back home and my brother tried to comfort me.
“I just feel like I have a Daddy but I don’t. I don’t have any man in my life who will look out for me, protect me and make sure I’m straight. Then I go and meet men who LIE and say they will but they don’t. They use me too.”
“I love you. I’m here for you,” my brother said.
I didn’t believe him. He got his own shit going on. I’m still out here by myself. All by myself. It feels like me against the world and then I remember that the God in the world is the same God in me. And I’m not really alone, just on a journey, a personal journey that can not and will not ever match anyone else’s.
Why should it? I’m Ms. Tee.
Still doing my show on Krib.TV. My guests are getting more interesting
. I’m working on this book project, editng a book for this chick. It’s not as bad as the last book I TRIED to edit but I already know I don’t want to work with her again. The mistakes she makes are elementary and it HURTS my heart to see writing like that. But I do applaud her efforts because I still haven’t finished any fiction book project that I have begun. ~sigh~
Still haven’t found an agent for my book yet. Still haven’t book
ed any PAID hosting gigs. STILL waiting for this record label to get back with me about working on their site. STILL wishing and hoping for my Covergirl Cosmetics contract. I wanna be like Queen Latifah with my own line…
Yeah…as I sweep up discarded crab legs from the floor at work and then rush down to South Beach to host my internet show…I still dream about the big things…wondering when they’ll come to pass and how…how Ill be able to take good care of myself and my sons.
I re read Kanye’s Mom’s book a couple of days ago. I still love that man. I love her too. I’m grateful she wrote that book because…it taught me so much about parenting. It taught me that every parent knows what’s best for their child no matter what anyone else thinks. YOU are the expert for raising your child. You know what’s best.
And so am I.
I want to be a good Mom.
I am the best Mom I can be.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.
Someone posted yet another pic of me and my bestfriends Anna and Tamara when we were in highschool.
I look at that little girl and I smile because she’s so wonderful, so full of hope, so full of promise, yet so naiive and she has no idea what is about to happen to her. But honestly…if I could go back in time and whisper in her ear I’d say, “You are going to be a GREAT woman. You are going to fulfill your dreams.”
I wouldn’t tell her to change a thing…Not a thing

More Transitions

If I were to write EVERYTHING that has happened…you’d probably jump through this computer screen and strangle me and everyone involved. Instead…I’ll just write about the most recent transition.

Today I picked my boys up from school. As they settled into their seat belts I turned down the radio and said, “I have something to tell you.”
They looked at me curiously and I smiled.
“Now, you know how you have your Daddy and you have HyperChick *name changed to protect that chick*?”
“Well. Grandaddy is not my real daddy. I have another daddy.”
“But you still respect Grandaddy like he’s your daddy, right?”
“Yes, I do. He raised me,” I almost choked saying those words. But they’re true. “Well. My biological father is alive and I met him and today you’re going to go meet my brothers and your cousins.”
My boys were excited. “For real? New cousins?!”
I smiled. “Yep. New cousins.”
“New family unlocked!” my 7 year old said and laughed. I laughed too, understanding his Wii video game reference.
We drove to my father’s house and walked in. I introduced them to their cousins and said, “Go play!” They dove right in playing the Madden 2010 video game and chasing each other around the house. I have 3 older brothers and I ran into them randomly and one asked me to come stay with him so I did. Hes my age. We vibe well together and I have never felt so welcomed in my life.
Each one of my brothers has come to me individually and said, “Having you here is like a dream that I don’t want to wake up from.”
My father is in the hospital. He’s alrite, just some old war stuff he has to deal with internally. But he left his house for his kids to live in and my brother is living in it with his kids and now I’m living here too for a little while. Feels good to have big brothers. They joke with me and buy me stuff and fight with each other. The best thing about it is…they look like me.
When I look at them, I see myself. When they fight, I step in. It’s so weird man. So weird but…I guess in this part of my life, we’ll get to know each other and be family even though…
I keep having to fake joke about how I came to be a part of this family whenever friends or family come around.
Where’d you get a sister?
Um…well. This is Dad’s daughter. She’s our sister.
That pretty much says it all.
I am the product of a lustful encounter by my father who was already married.
I am that but I’m much more.
I mean…think about all the drama you would encounter if you had a baby out of wedlock and think about how much you would consider abortion just to avoid what someone else might say if they found out and think about me.
Cuz if my Mama was worried about all that then I wouldn’t be here.
I didn’t cause the situation. I didn’t ask for it. I was just..born.
And I’m a good person. I deserve to live. I’m not a monster. My Mama didn’t fall out and die when she had me. She wasn’t cursed. I’m not cursed.
I’m just….
I guess…
Supposed to be here. Regardless of the shit that caused me to come into being.
And I have brothers. And a sister. I have to get to know.
And they look like me. And I’m 30 and I’m just now dealing with this shit and I feel like a little kid. But I’m dealing….
And i keep on smiling, regardless of what.

Another Day

Today I went to work and made like “$30 after tip out. I sat in the back for an hour before I went up to the hostess and said, “Why aren’t you seating me? I’m still on the floor.” She apologized and said she didn’t know. And then I got cut. I was like, “Damn!”

To be honest, I made more money at Denny’s in 2 days than I make at Red Lobster in four days. These short shifts kill my average and no one wants to tip BIG during my lunch shifts, so different from the bank I was making serving the drunk after the club crowd at Denny’s. But Im gonna stick it out because I’m starting to get regulars who request me already. That’s a good thing. I am a good server and I love what I’m doing. Just wish I could make more money at it.
When I came home, my brother left to go to his barber shop, he’s a barber, and his kids were sleeping. I felt so guilty when they woke up and asked me to help them with their homework. I helped them, but I felt like I shouldn’t have when I have kids of my own who are growing up in another home. I’m supposed to be helping them.
Then the kids played a little and my brother came back and we sat outside just talking and getting to know each other better. Since he’s a barber and his (our) dad is a barber and his brothers are barbers too, there are so many dudes who come by here to see them. I meet like 6 new dudes everyday. ~smh~
I appreciate my brother for inviting me to stay and I hope that we can become good friends. I can tell that he loves me by the way he looks at me and the way he speaks to me. It’s so nice to be surrounded by love.
My phone is off. I let it go off because I’m just…tired.
I’m still editing this book and it’s really getting to me. Man, I am way too emotional. It actually hurts to read her writing. I feel like slapping her on the hand and saying, “Go do something else. This ain’t for you.”
I know..that’s mean. Shit, I’m not the best writer but I do know good writing and I know how to tell a story. Hell, even Tamara tells better stories than she does and I used to think Tamara was illiterate in highschool. Tamara couldn’t write a note for SHIT.
Seriously, in government class she would try to pass me a note and I’d write on the top of it PLEASE RE READ THIS ALOUD, REWRITE AND PASS BACK TO ME.
She hated that but I hated to read some misspelled, crazy ass shit. I couldn’t understand what the hell Tamara was saying back then. Now, that bitch gets straight A’s from the stories she writes to me through email. I don’t know what happened, maybe FSU educated her ass after all.
Anyway…I’m going back to this book and trying to think happy thoughts at the same time. I am grateful for the opportunity but I now know that I can not be a book editor unless the writing is BANGING!

Good Thoughts

Oh Lord…

I just finished hanging out with my brother and we had such a good time! We was vibin and watching videos and talking, right in my biological father’s bedroom. This is the house they all grew up in and he did not take good care of it. It’s falling apart and with no women in the house, you can imagine what it was looking like in here. LOL!
But I’m trying to add a woman’s touch by actually CLEANING UP (can u believe it? Me?) and buying small things to add a woman’s touch. My brothers tell me how much they appreciate me everyday. They love me. I have never felt more loved actually. Well, except when I’m with my sons. I saw them today. It was magic. Always is. I swear no matter what, my boys and I have this crazy love connection. Those are my boys.
You know…My phone is off and honestly I’ve been enjoying having it off because I just come and I go and I’m in the wind with no ties to anyone! That shit feels great!
Maybe I can somehow turn my main mode of communication into the internet and leave my phone off. I don’t know…I’m trippin. It just feels so good not to be tied to answering it.
Lord..I think some drama is about to pop off at work. LOL! Nah..I’m doing well. This is a very prestigious Red Lobster, like, number 2 in the country overall. I’m getting better and tonight they gave me a big section all by myself. I was a bit overwhelmed, I didn’t rest for a minute but I got it done and all of my customers were smiling and happy when they left so I did a good job.
But I was at work rubbing my shoulders because my arm muscles were hurting and one of the guys in the back said, “Make sure your man at home rubs that for you.”
Everybody paused as I laughed and walked away.
Then he said, “You know what that means? She ain’t got none.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Nah… he whispered.
Then all of a sudden… all eyes were on me. All the grill masters and all the back help. I felt like running away. Please don’t let none of them try to talk to me! Please! I wanna be cool with them all but not in the way that they think they can become familiar with me. I mean….Even though they are all FINE. I mean like cuties! All of dem! I have to look the other way everytime but its hard cuz they are all cute. But..yeah….I’m not interested in men right now. Gosh…it always comes to this.
Damn…I’m sitting with my other brother and he’s playing these DVDs of music videos and the video for Knock You Down with Kanye is on. Kanye looks so fine! Chile..I had to take a moment of silent meditation. That video was FIRE! It took all of my energy! Damn that video was good as hell!
Man. School starts again this week. God..please help me to do the best I can. I am almost done. Man…let me get this degree. This is my last one. Let me just get it and go. No more hassle and drama and crap.
Let me add something nice to someone’s life tomorrow.
I got to see my sons today. We vibed it out and reconnected like magic. Now THAT is a great thought to go to sleep to…