Month: June 2011

I don’t mean to be all down and out but, I can’t stop watching the video I did of the poet’s memorial tribute.

I keep thinking about him and wondering what he now knows that I don’t know about life. I wonder if he’s somewhere around and what he’s thinking if he can think. I’m wondering if he’s in a better place, if there is a better place.

I’m having a surreal moment. This moment doesn’t feel like I belong here. This feels like a dream. Maybe this is all a dream. Maybe I’m really living in a fantasy and I don’t know it. Maybe the pressures of life are all self made.

What would my funeral be like? I sure don’t have many friends. There’s no one to tell funny stories about me. There’s no one that I spend my days chatting on the phone with. There’s no one that I lean on like that.

I got to speak with Mimi today. We had to have a quick conversation, as all my convos with her are because she’s so busy and so am I.

She helped me put things into perspective and I needed that because I am putting so much pressure on myself to get the 30 businesses that I was beginning to equate my worth with this goal.

I tried my best. The job fair will go on. I’ll move on to the next phase of my project and I’ll pat myself on the back no matter what.

And maybe when I’m gone, these words will linger on. I hope they mean something to someone at some point but for now this blog is just my way for me to release how I’m feeling so that I can understand myself.

I don’t know what I’m doing in this life experience. I have no guide and I’m fumbling through trying to do my best to give my gifts and be happy everyday.

I have to meet new people and it annoys me.

I love helping people and serving people but MEETING new people gets on my nerves.

What I hate the most is the part when they ask, “What’s your name?” Then they start asking all kinds of questions about your life and your past. For what?

Then If I say, “I’m a writer.”

And they’ll say, “You should write a book.” or “You should start your own website.”

And then I’m offended because I feel like they’re insulting my intelligence. Like I couldn’t manage my own career before they came along.

Some man called my phone today saying we met a couple of weeks ago. Since I don’t give out my phone number so easily I figured I must have given it to him for a reason. He couldn’t explain the reason so I kept questioning, “Are you interested in helping me with my project?”

“No.”

“Did you buy me lunch one day?”

“Um. No.”

“Then I don’t understand why I would give you my number. What is it that you are interested in?” I asked.

“I…I want to get to know you,” he said.

I was confused. “For what?”

“It’s alright,” he said and hung up.

I’m not interested like that.

One time I told this guy, “How many questions do I ask you?”

“None,” he replied.

“Yeah. Please do the same.”

I feel like saying, “Just google me and if you like what you read and feel we’ll have something to talk about then holla at me.”

I just don’t like explaining myself and my life to get shocked faces and have to try to convince people that I’m good with my life how it is.

I never question anyone about what they decide to do with their lives. If I don’t like it then I just won’t be around them or I just wait until they volunteer information. I don’t care too much to ask questions because its none of my business and I am not into judging or criticizing. That doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t offer opinions that people don’t directly ASK for since I don’t value opinions that I don’t directly ask for.

Today this man got mad at me because he smiled and waved as I walked by and I said Hi. He stopped, I guess he wanted to talk but I didn’t. I don’t even KNOW him.

“Damn! I was just trying to be friends!” he called out after me.

I shook my head and ignored him.

I ain’t friendly.

Hey. What’s up?

I’m still alive. I’ve posted so many new videos that I have to take the time to repost them or you can visit my youtube channel.

I’m still at the shelter. Still trying to connect women with jobs but the back and forth between managers and the women is draining plus I’m trying to work two jobs so I can save money to move and still help women but, all I can say is, I’m trying. I need a team working at this with me but it’s just me and I’m not sure that’s enough.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my last imaginary boyfriend. For some reason he’s been on my mind and I’ve been wishing he’d bring his ass to see me. yeah right.

I’m trying. I want to spend time with my sons. It makes me feel good that they are doing so well with their dad but at the same time, I want to contribute more too.

Tonight I got a little ughh because I started feeling like who I am isn’t good enough to do anything FOR REAL. Like, I wished that I could change so I can be regular but I can’t. I can’t dammit.

To resemble anything like normal success I’d have to be born again into a different person. I don’t know why I’m like this but I’m hoping it has to be beneficial in some way for some reason.

I just have to figure out why.

Anyway.

I’m thirsty and hungry and lonely and I’m feeling all kinds of longing for different things but I’m okay.

I’ll be okay.

OMG!

Here goes my obligatory annual “My birthday is coming up and I’m sad” post.

I wonder why this happens to me every year.

I think it’s because I have held such high hopes for myself and my talents and I haven’t seen anything happen with them yet.

I hate to celebrate myself when I haven’t met my goals.

That’s what it is.

I need to learn to celebrate myself anyway.