I had one helluva semester and I’m still not finished. I’m up working on my last final which should have been the easiest one but for some reason, my mind can’t stay focused. I didn’t write about my biggest battle this semester because I felt like it was too much to even write about and I still won’t write about it but let me say it has drained me emotionally all year long.

What I’ve learned by going through this process is 1) Even when you feel like you were right and try to get restitution for being wronged, people are going to try to prove that YOU were the problem. 2) Even when you go hard for others in an effort to encourage them in their dreams, when you need their help, they won’t be there for you and you have to say yes to that, accepting everyone for their choices. 3) Sometimes fighting is the hardest thing. I now see why it’s so easy to accept things as they are. 
I’m feeling all kinds of emotional, which is the perfect ingredient for this emotional ass blog I have.
Let’s see… I miss my sons. Like, they are so wonderful to me. Each week when I see them, they bring me so much joy. They let me cuddle them and rock them like infants. We dance together, make up songs and talk about different philosophical topics like evolution and life after death. I share with them what I learn about other people’s beliefs an I remind them that they can choose any belief they like as long as it helps them to live a happier life.
For me its necessary to teach them all of the lessons I am learning so late in life. So many things I wish my Mama had told me. They listen and they take heed. They are so smart. They are my pride and joys. Seriously…I still deal with my depression from time to time. It’s very rare since I’ve learned so many ways to switch my mindset about certain issues but from time to time I will get into this crazy ass mood and just wanna be alone and when I’m alone I meditate on all of the things that I could have been or I could have given to my children and I get upset with myself and condemn myself.
This is kind of the mood I’m in now. With everything with school, me wanting to move but I can’t…and then there’s DEEP who makes me want to cry because he’s so good at dealing with me and my mood swings. He says I have multiple personalities and some of them don’t like his personality. LOL!
Today I told him I need to take a break from him. I do this about twice a week but usually he doesnt let me walk away from him because he says I need to stop running away from my problems. Today he just said, “Do what you gotta do. I’m sick of this!”
I thanked him and hung up.
Last night we went to a showcase by one of our artist friends and afterwards I was driving him home and he said he left his key and suggested that we go back to my house to hang out. I was a little uneasy about that seeing as he’s CELIBATE and I FUCKABIT and I know he’s not attracted to me like that but I felt like I could keep my cool…but…man…It’s been months since I’ve had some affection and even longer since I’ve had affection from someone I actually LIKED.
But we came back to my house and talked and watched a movie that he chose and I didn’t like. And we fell asleep on my futon. And guess what? That *censored* didn’t even touch me the whole night!
I was so mad! Like.. I wanted to strangle him. Like, how do you sleep under the covers with me and I’m wearing my booty shorts and you don’t even care. Man…I would say he’s gay but I don’t think so. He really made me mad because I really need a hug and I can’t stand the fact that he’s not trying to push up on me.
I take it as he finds me disgusting. And then that negative feeling multiplies and I get scared that if I allow our friendship to continue to grow, he’s going to get to know me better and be even more disgusted by me.
Just like my Baby Daddy.
Just like my Stepfather.
Just like all the men who I have allowed to get to know me in a non physical way. I don’t want that rejection so I had to reject him first. I mean, what is his problem anyway? I have a 1 week rule when it comes to friendships with men. After a week, I’ve fucked them and dismissed them. He won’t let me fuck him or dismiss him. He wants to be…friends an shit.
I don’t know what to do with that. It’s got me wishing that I never met his ass although I learn so much from him and have grown so much because I’ve known him. I wish he was a girl so I wouldn’t be attracted to him. Even if he was ugly, I’d probably still be attracted to him because I love his spirit.
Man…sometimes I wish I was different. I look ahead to my future and I wonder what the hell is gonna happen cuz I know nothing stays the same and I know I’ve been down to my worst- homeless, hungry and hopeless. I’m not afraid of that but I do have fears.
Last week I was on facebook and I wrote that I wasn’t getting married and I got all kinds of comments and messages from people saying I was being emotional and I was silly. I hate when people tell me what to do or what they expect. I feel like never getting married just to spite them. I don’t HAVE to get married to prove my worth to myself. Although I study love and relationships I have to admit, I really don’t believe that is the path for me.
What seems to be for me is…my ability to help others make their dreams come true. I am a whiz at encouraging others and helping them recognize their shine. I’ve said it before…I give that kind of love because it’s what I always wished I could receive for myself.
Blah…Blah…My girl just called me. Some FINE ASS man is waiting for her to show up. I swear…her dudes just keep getting finer and finer and he looks wayyy better than the last one and I thought that was impossible! DAYUM!

Playing It Oh So Cool

It wasn’t too busy last night.

I checked on the few tables that I had and everyone was happily eating so I walked to the front cash register to wait for more customers to come in. I glanced to my right and saw a cutie sitting at the counter.
I looked at him and smiled. He motioned for me to come over…he did it just like a pro. I raised my eyebrow and smiled again. I walked over.
“Hey…Is someone helping you?” I ask him.
“I’m fine,” he says. “They got me.”
I realize that I know him. I met him a few weeks ago when he came in and all of the female servers were sweating him. I walked up to him and asked him where he was going so late at night and he told me that he worked for a recording studio. I was suprised when he told me which one. I had JUST been thinking that I needed to meet someone who worked there because that studio was infamous for hosting celebrities and I wanted to write a story about it.
So I guess in a way I manifested meeting him.
We chatted for a bit and he told me that he checked out my blog. I laughed and joked with him about needing some relationship advice. I went to check on my tables and then came back and sat down two seats down from him at the counter. I didn’t speak. I just sat down.
He had on his earphones, listening to music. He turned to me and asked, “Tee, do you have a piece of paper?”
I reached into my apron and grabbed my order pad. I tore off a sheet and handed it to him. The other servers were standing around watching as he took out a marker and wrote on the paper.
He handed it to me and I read his small handwriting. It was his myspace page and his email address.
I smiled and slipped it into my apron.
I went to check up on my tables and when I came back he was STILL sitting there. I asked him what his order was so that I could check on it and it turns out that they hadn’t even STARTED making his order and he had been sitting there for almost an hour already.
My manager came and apologized and immediately began making his food. He’s a sound engineer INTERN for the studio and also the food runner. What impressed me about this dude was the fact that he did not get heated or over react about his food not being ready. Most customers would curse or ask for a discount or something. He was so cool about it all.
I noticed him with a paper in his hand, checking off everyone’s order on the list. He double checked it to make sure he got everything and organized everything just right. I asked if he needed some syrup and he said he did. I made him a package of syrup- about 7 of them, for the guys at the studio.
It’s funny I waited more tables I would occasionally glance back at the corner where he was organizing his order and…more than once…I caught him looking at me too.
After he left I texted him and wrote: I really like the way you handled that situation. You were very smooth and level headed. It was nice seeing you again.
He wrote me back just about 10 minutes after I reached home this morning: Thanks. In this industry you have to have a cool head especially when you are around people who want things “Now”. It’s crazy. It was nice seeing you again too…Much love. Thanks for your help with my food. PS- Make sure you check out my myspace page.
I laughed when I read his text…glanced back up at the screen of my laptop…his picture stared back at me.
He has no idea…I’m on his myspace right now. ~smile~

Mother’s Day….

My Mother’s Day ended wonderfully, but it started out in terror. The night before this incredible pressure came on me and I felt it physically. It attacked my mind. It reminded that another Mother’s Day is passing and I am still unable to take care of my kids. It spoke about my crushes an how non reciprocal they are. It reminded me about the fact that I’m almost 30 and I have nothing to show for my life efforts. It beat me down so much that I could not wake up. I felt like my presence was no longer needed in this world. I somehow got up and got dressed and went to work. I went there and my eyes were shining from crying in the car knowing the gas light is on and I have about 20 pennies in my car and I’m hungry as hell but as long as I made it to Denny’s…I can eat and make some money. So thankful. So when I got to work I was feeling so ughh….I ordered some food and walked around, smacking myself in the face, trying to bring some life back. Table after table my mood improved. Taking the focus off of myself and putting it on taking great care of others really did the trick. I was feeling good by the time the sun rose, even though it was PROM night so the restaurant was filled with hungry teenagers who DO NOT tip. ~sigh~   They looked beautiful though.   By the time 7am rolled around, I was all pepped up, taking last minute tables. The other waitress would whisper to me, “Two just walked in. Light skinned. Dreads. Both of them.”   “Hmm..Okay. I got this,” I’d say. And they always tip me very well…   When I went to pick up my boys I was feeling good but tired. My feet were throbbing but it’s Mother’s Day so we can manage. My boys acted up at the damn breakfast buffet. I was like, “Stop fighting. Stop throwing that. Stop crying.” The whole time. I was so mad that I started crying in the car on the way home. When we got there my 8 year old said, “Sorry we couldn’t get you anything for Mother’s Day, Mommy.” “That’s okay. But you really are giving me a gift just by being here. If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t be able to celebrate Mother’s Day. It’s all because of you, baby.” “And we’re sorry we were acting up in the buffet, Mommy,” my 6 year old whispers and gives me a hug. “And I’m sorry that I started crying in the car. I’m just tired. So tired. But I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Let me lay down. Please be quiet so I can take a nap.” But I couldn’t sleep because I only have a room so they were playing Go Fish, watching iCarly and wrestling. And I was so hot. Around 2pm I got up, showered and we drove to my Mama’s house. I wasn’t really in the mood but I know she wanted to see my boys. And when I went over there, the sweet smell of fried chicken and black and milds invaded my nostrils and I sighed. My sister was there with her boyfriend Adam. They are such an old couple when they are together. I picked up some flowers for my Mama and when the boys gave them to her she looked at me and said, “Thanks for the cemetery flowers, Tee.” I almost fell out. She trying to say that I picked up the flowers from the cemetery on the way there. LOL! She is crazy. And she was so happy all day. She kept smiling. I ate and ate and drank wine. We watched a movie called The Orphanage and then we let my 8 year old play the Wii for an hour and then we watched another movie. Then I had to get dressed to go to work. So I dropped the boys off to their Dad’s house an then I went on in, feeling pleased with my day. I couldn’t use my phone because it wasn’t working properly but DEEP says I was lieing. Whatever… So work was slow because everyone was at the Red Lobster down the street so I basically sat around for 2 hours and only served one table. But they tipped me $15 so It’s like I worked more… I was chillin… And then it got busy for our 11pm crowd. I don’t know what it is about that time, but we get slammed for about 2 hours. So about 12:30 on a Sunday I usually go home, but just as I was wrapping up my last tables about to check to see if I have any tips on the credit cards, a chick walks in and asks for a table for 6. I tried to shoot her off and say someone will be with her in a moment, but she said, “But aren’t you a server?” I was like, “I was about to get off but if you want me to stay and serve you, I will.” As I cleaned off a table for them and set them up, they told me that they were servers too. “What restaurant do you work at?” I asked them. “Red Lobster.” “Ohhh,” I exclaimed. “I heard ya’ll were slammed today!” So I served them up with extra special care and one of the male servers was flirting with me. I flirted back and reminded him that he’s too young for me. He was cute though and if I wasn’t in my present state of mind I woulda messed with him but I’m tired…tired… And when they left…I was already rolling my silverware and preparing to SLIDE outthatbitch…my customers came up to me and handed me $35. I couldn’t believe it! I was smiling and counting my cash and thinking about all the times I’ve tipped waiters 100 %. And it had nothing to do with the service. I always did that because I respected their job and I felt like most people don’t. In Houston, the Red Lobster servers LOVED ME! And the Cheesecake Factory servers loved me in Dallas! Damn I was eating better when I was homeless…LOL! And now I’m seeing it come back to me.   I love my job. It keeps me afloat and it recharges me when I have to take care of people. My manager always tells me that I outshine everyone else in the entire restaurant because of my hospitality. Even if customers are in a bad mood, I’ll give them a silly smile and stare at them to make them laugh at themselves. I talk to everyone. Last night a guy came in and he was looking so hurt. He was eating by himself in a booth and he had on a wife beater and some basketball short. He looked sick in the heart. So I asked him how he was doing and he poured out his story about being hurt by his girl. I talked to him for about 10 minutes and then I let him think about it.  You know I wrote the book on getting over heartbreak. Maybe that’s why I’m not afraid to love so hard because..I know I’ll get over it. And then that man will be just another story to tell. But really…that’s all life is… One long story to tell.

That Again

This boy just straight called me out. Goooosh! I hate this shit! Fuck! This one man knows me too well. Sometimes I try to manipulate my mind to make me think what I’m doing on an emotional tangent is right. He calls me out on that shit. Fuck. I highly anticipate and equally dread my conversations with him which can equal up to more than 5 hours a day. We vibe. Hard. He annoys me so much. Ughh…Sometimes I pray and ask God to take him away because I can’t take it anymore. I feel bad after I do that, but the feeling inside me after we’ve been vibing non step for about 4 or 5 days is too much for me to handle. I take a break from talking to him about once a week. He hated it at first, but now he says he understands. It’s just sooo “ughhh” I don’t even know how to describe the feeling. He knows what I’m going to say before I say it. And I’m not talking about..guessing. I mean he’ll have a 5 minute conversation with himself. He’ll say what he has to say and then before I can respond he’ll say what I’m about to say in this weird little Mickey mouse voice. And then he’ll keep going. And he’ll be right. Then why the hell you on the phone with me? LOL! He makes me laugh! I get so annoyed when he compares me to his ex. The shit we do together, the way I think and move. “Stop comparing me to some chick you’re still in love with,” I told him harshly one night on the phone. “You got it wrong, I’m not in love with her like that. You’re a lot like her, without all the rage.” I swear this man drives me crazy! I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I even pray that he’ll meet somebody else or that he’ll get back with his ex, soon. All this consistent companionship is so scary to me. And I think sometimes it’s a distraction because I think just as much about his career and dreams as I do about my own. But I wanted to save that, you know, for the super lucky man that may or may not come into my life. I’m open. I don’t know. The type of investment my soul wants to make into building the dream that my man and I share is insurmountable. Everytime I start trying to support a man who is in my life it just feels so wrong because I know he doesn’t deserve my devotion like this but at the same time it feels so good to give it. I love supporting him. It’s fun! I go to his shows, stand up and clap for him. I tell everyone about him. I go to his events that he hosts. I call in for his radio interviews. I love watching him perform, I know all of his songs (Before they come out.) It feels so nice to be on someone’s team. Someone you believe in and who believes in you enough to put his name behind yours in this industry. I know we’re both just starting out and gaining some weight under our names but it’s good to have someone who is doing it with me. I love it when I see him shining. I feel shiny too. For whatever reason he was sent into my life, I’m grateful. Even though he act like he don’t see me. And I know it’s cuz he still into his ex like that. But anyway…Man..I’ve learned so much about myself by dealing with him. He annoys me more than anyone has ever done in my life. So grateful for him though. It’s frustrating because sharing with someone like this is magical yet draining because… At the end of the day…I wanna fuck. And he celibate and shit…all stuck on his ex and shit. The same shit I say to dudes, he says to me. That whole, “Don’t fall in love. I’m not on that right now. You’re gonna get hurt” shit. I say that ALL the time. But it’s only because I think the dude is cool but I would NEVER, EVER, EVER let him touch me. But I still like having him in my life cuz he’s cool and we have a nice vibe. But they all push forward and I do have to hurt them so they will get my point. Damn….

Goodbye Twitter

I know I’ve got so much to say and it’s partially because I just deleted my twitter account. I had to… I was feeling so uneasy about it and I realize that I have lost my ability to tell a good story. Man…I’m a blogger. That 140 character shit doesn’t suit my gift. I felt kinda out of place there and I was sending so much energy into it. But it still wasn’t enough of a release…I would still be tense after tweeting. And you know I use this blog as an emotional outlet.

I want to tell stories and I want to practice by telling my own in an honest way. Sorry for the distraction…but I’m back to blogging my life again….

Back to Church?

I don’t know man…

Now that my eyes are wide open…I can SEE what religion really is…and that’s not a bad thing because there are some HUGE benefits to belonging to a socially accepted group of people. And being a part of religion leads you to have family, a sense of belonging. A sense of territory of the mind as you judge yourself superior over others who WRONGLY disbelieve your point of view.
I miss congregating.  I miss gathering together in Jesus name and celebrating goodness. I miss praising the Lord. I miss alladat and at the same time I really do not miss the bureaucracy and spiritual abuse associated with that system.
Going on a spiritual adventure like I have I KNOW that each belief is a choice an none of the choices are right or wrong. I know you just have to choose a path that feels good to you. One that gives you hope for your existence.
Look..I may not be the best judge of anything…the best judge of character…others or my own…but I really do see the world through rose colored glasses. I see people for the best within them and never really consider that they would hurt me..unless its a man and then I KNOW they are gonna try to hurt me…but I really wanna work through that. I just can’t. I don’t know why I can’t let that go…
I wish I could just throw everything on Jesus like I used to. If anything went right, “Thank you Jesus!” If it went wrong, “God is punishing me.”
Nothing that happened had anything to do with ME back in the day. I was powerless and wandering aimlessly, hoping I’ll get a nudge in the right direction somehow and that’s IF I acted right and listened to the pastor and cried and prayed and read the Bible enough.
If I got ALL that right…then I could possibly deserve a blessing.
I always felt bad about myself. Like I could never be good enough for God.
I don’t believe in a concept like that anymore. I don’t believe in a universal force who intervenes in our lives like that according to our behaviour. I think I’m shifting toward a belief that has an authority figure like a father that can rescue us but also lives within us, so essentially we’re rescuing ourselves by believing in our inner power which is also God’s power. Basically, God within each of us- kind of thing.
You get it?
That sounds good to me….
Maybe I just miss gospel music. It won’t hurt to listen and praise God now and then…

In A Special Way

Sometimes I feel so…so alone.

Like an alien. For real. I know I have my sons who I see once a week and I have my friends who I keep in touch with online…and I have DEEP that I interact with everyday but for some reason I still feel alone.
And it used to be that comfortable alone feeling…but now it’s that alone feeling that has the yearning for something more.
What do I want? I don’t know. I meet men all the time. Sometimes I hang out with them just to see if something cool will happen…but most times not.
I feel like they are all out to hurt me. 
“Don’t you just like me more when I’m not talking to any dudes?” I asked Tamara. “I mean, no drama, no confusion, I’m wrapped up more in YOUR story.”
“Yeah, I feel you Tee but it’s still…kinda sad in a way not to have ANYTHING going on.”
“Well,” I said. “I’d honestly rather not have anything going on than to be filled with fear and nervousness. I hate this feeling I have. It feels like something is missing. I know there’s nothing missing with the way I show love. I think it’s all in who I choose to show it too.”
I then went on to describe a conversation I had with DEEP recently. He told me that sometimes I am a bad judge of character. I took it all kind of ways. True, I see the best in everyone and believe they are honest and good people…but mostly they’re slimy. I never think that…unless its a man who is interested in me romantically or physically.
God…help me out on this one. What’s this I’m feeling? Why does it hurt so much? Why am I so afraid? Are you trying to tell me to walk away when I feel like this or are is it me scaring myself out of a more brilliant future?
Tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been praying this prayer for years. Man…maybe I am slipping back into that old mentality where my life was completely out of my control.
It was easier back then…
I need a hug. A real one. I need to know it’s okay. I’m okay. I need an embrace. I need a hug.

Must Be Trippin

Man…I had a wild ass week. Well, not too wild but I have been trying my BEST not to be annoyed by school and still keep my head up about my show.

See…I never knew how much WORK goes into pulling a show together. I have no money so I have to convince people to volunteer to work on my show. I still need to find a DJ and a cameraman. I’m glad DEEP said he’s help out with my show- he has ALL the connects and everyone I know loves him.
Last week we went to the Seaquarium and I was so delighted to see him swim with the Dolphins. Dolphins are his # 1 spirit guides, or so he says. He tickles me to pie
ces. Afterwards we took a nap at my house and then went to the club to see him host his Open Mic. I had ONE drink and he started trippin on me. Like..really, he left with someone else even though he came with ME. He said I was wildin out and he don’t play that.
I was so hot. I told his ass dont even bother talking to me again…but by 3am we were on the phone again and didn’t get off until the sun came up..again. 
“Alright boy…I’m gonna go fantasize my ass to sleep,” I whispered and yawned. 
“Ok,” he said.
“Thanks Deep,” I thanked him…just because he is who he is.
“Love you,” he whispered and I hung up.
What did he just say?
Nah…I must be trippin….
Nah…He ain’t say that. I must be dreaming already.

my beautiful night

Oooh. Excuse me for what’s about to come rambling out of my mind…

It’s rainy outside, the breeze through my window is so nice. There’s thunder & lightening and I’m sitting here in my favorite night dress. 
I’m la, la, la…and I’m smiling too.
So today I turned in my first paper for summer school. I’m bored out of my mind in class. Help me…I never thought this day would come. Anyway..I go and try to keep my head up. I feel so much more advanced, I feel like they’re toying with me. I want to learn MORE.
Not just facts and figures and administrative crap…I want to learn how to help shift minds and help set people free. 
Oh, guess who’s in town? My Trini boy from earlier this year. I went to see him and we vibed. He’s still so cool. Cool ass dude, for real. 
And I went to this artist development camp where artists could come and pass their music out to DJ’s and the press could meet the artists. It was at a park and it was sooo cool. I felt like I was at a family reunion. I was meeting everyone and listening to underground music. I felt great bouncing around taking pictures and of course, promoting for DEEP. I’m his little cheerleader. LOL! It’s fun though and at least I do like his music, so I’m not being insincere.
But yeah…I finished my Paayy-Puh! I was so glad to get that shit done. Geesh! I stopped by my boy house on the way home just to pick one up for tonite. So yeah…I’m on the phone with DEEP while I write this. The perfect end to my night for real…lots of laughter, a lot of teasing and so much fun.
These Oreos taste so good! Damn…..
I am soooo happy right now!