I had one helluva semester and I’m still not finished. I’m up working on my last final which should have been the easiest one but for some reason, my mind can’t stay focused. I didn’t write about my biggest battle this semester because I felt like it was too much to even write about and I still won’t write about it but let me say it has drained me emotionally all year long.
My Mother’s Day ended wonderfully, but it started out in terror. The night before this incredible pressure came on me and I felt it physically. It attacked my mind. It reminded that another Mother’s Day is passing and I am still unable to take care of my kids. It spoke about my crushes an how non reciprocal they are. It reminded me about the fact that I’m almost 30 and I have nothing to show for my life efforts. It beat me down so much that I could not wake up. I felt like my presence was no longer needed in this world. I somehow got up and got dressed and went to work. I went there and my eyes were shining from crying in the car knowing the gas light is on and I have about 20 pennies in my car and I’m hungry as hell but as long as I made it to Denny’s…I can eat and make some money. So thankful. So when I got to work I was feeling so ughh….I ordered some food and walked around, smacking myself in the face, trying to bring some life back. Table after table my mood improved. Taking the focus off of myself and putting it on taking great care of others really did the trick. I was feeling good by the time the sun rose, even though it was PROM night so the restaurant was filled with hungry teenagers who DO NOT tip. ~sigh~ They looked beautiful though. By the time 7am rolled around, I was all pepped up, taking last minute tables. The other waitress would whisper to me, “Two just walked in. Light skinned. Dreads. Both of them.” “Hmm..Okay. I got this,” I’d say. And they always tip me very well… When I went to pick up my boys I was feeling good but tired. My feet were throbbing but it’s Mother’s Day so we can manage. My boys acted up at the damn breakfast buffet. I was like, “Stop fighting. Stop throwing that. Stop crying.” The whole time. I was so mad that I started crying in the car on the way home. When we got there my 8 year old said, “Sorry we couldn’t get you anything for Mother’s Day, Mommy.” “That’s okay. But you really are giving me a gift just by being here. If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t be able to celebrate Mother’s Day. It’s all because of you, baby.” “And we’re sorry we were acting up in the buffet, Mommy,” my 6 year old whispers and gives me a hug. “And I’m sorry that I started crying in the car. I’m just tired. So tired. But I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Let me lay down. Please be quiet so I can take a nap.” But I couldn’t sleep because I only have a room so they were playing Go Fish, watching iCarly and wrestling. And I was so hot. Around 2pm I got up, showered and we drove to my Mama’s house. I wasn’t really in the mood but I know she wanted to see my boys. And when I went over there, the sweet smell of fried chicken and black and milds invaded my nostrils and I sighed. My sister was there with her boyfriend Adam. They are such an old couple when they are together. I picked up some flowers for my Mama and when the boys gave them to her she looked at me and said, “Thanks for the cemetery flowers, Tee.” I almost fell out. She trying to say that I picked up the flowers from the cemetery on the way there. LOL! She is crazy. And she was so happy all day. She kept smiling. I ate and ate and drank wine. We watched a movie called The Orphanage and then we let my 8 year old play the Wii for an hour and then we watched another movie. Then I had to get dressed to go to work. So I dropped the boys off to their Dad’s house an then I went on in, feeling pleased with my day. I couldn’t use my phone because it wasn’t working properly but DEEP says I was lieing. Whatever… So work was slow because everyone was at the Red Lobster down the street so I basically sat around for 2 hours and only served one table. But they tipped me $15 so It’s like I worked more… I was chillin… And then it got busy for our 11pm crowd. I don’t know what it is about that time, but we get slammed for about 2 hours. So about 12:30 on a Sunday I usually go home, but just as I was wrapping up my last tables about to check to see if I have any tips on the credit cards, a chick walks in and asks for a table for 6. I tried to shoot her off and say someone will be with her in a moment, but she said, “But aren’t you a server?” I was like, “I was about to get off but if you want me to stay and serve you, I will.” As I cleaned off a table for them and set them up, they told me that they were servers too. “What restaurant do you work at?” I asked them. “Red Lobster.” “Ohhh,” I exclaimed. “I heard ya’ll were slammed today!” So I served them up with extra special care and one of the male servers was flirting with me. I flirted back and reminded him that he’s too young for me. He was cute though and if I wasn’t in my present state of mind I woulda messed with him but I’m tired…tired… And when they left…I was already rolling my silverware and preparing to SLIDE outthatbitch…my customers came up to me and handed me $35. I couldn’t believe it! I was smiling and counting my cash and thinking about all the times I’ve tipped waiters 100 %. And it had nothing to do with the service. I always did that because I respected their job and I felt like most people don’t. In Houston, the Red Lobster servers LOVED ME! And the Cheesecake Factory servers loved me in Dallas! Damn I was eating better when I was homeless…LOL! And now I’m seeing it come back to me. I love my job. It keeps me afloat and it recharges me when I have to take care of people. My manager always tells me that I outshine everyone else in the entire restaurant because of my hospitality. Even if customers are in a bad mood, I’ll give them a silly smile and stare at them to make them laugh at themselves. I talk to everyone. Last night a guy came in and he was looking so hurt. He was eating by himself in a booth and he had on a wife beater and some basketball short. He looked sick in the heart. So I asked him how he was doing and he poured out his story about being hurt by his girl. I talked to him for about 10 minutes and then I let him think about it. You know I wrote the book on getting over heartbreak. Maybe that’s why I’m not afraid to love so hard because..I know I’ll get over it. And then that man will be just another story to tell. But really…that’s all life is… One long story to tell.
This boy just straight called me out. Goooosh! I hate this shit! Fuck! This one man knows me too well. Sometimes I try to manipulate my mind to make me think what I’m doing on an emotional tangent is right. He calls me out on that shit. Fuck. I highly anticipate and equally dread my conversations with him which can equal up to more than 5 hours a day. We vibe. Hard. He annoys me so much. Ughh…Sometimes I pray and ask God to take him away because I can’t take it anymore. I feel bad after I do that, but the feeling inside me after we’ve been vibing non step for about 4 or 5 days is too much for me to handle. I take a break from talking to him about once a week. He hated it at first, but now he says he understands. It’s just sooo “ughhh” I don’t even know how to describe the feeling. He knows what I’m going to say before I say it. And I’m not talking about..guessing. I mean he’ll have a 5 minute conversation with himself. He’ll say what he has to say and then before I can respond he’ll say what I’m about to say in this weird little Mickey mouse voice. And then he’ll keep going. And he’ll be right. Then why the hell you on the phone with me? LOL! He makes me laugh! I get so annoyed when he compares me to his ex. The shit we do together, the way I think and move. “Stop comparing me to some chick you’re still in love with,” I told him harshly one night on the phone. “You got it wrong, I’m not in love with her like that. You’re a lot like her, without all the rage.” I swear this man drives me crazy! I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I even pray that he’ll meet somebody else or that he’ll get back with his ex, soon. All this consistent companionship is so scary to me. And I think sometimes it’s a distraction because I think just as much about his career and dreams as I do about my own. But I wanted to save that, you know, for the super lucky man that may or may not come into my life. I’m open. I don’t know. The type of investment my soul wants to make into building the dream that my man and I share is insurmountable. Everytime I start trying to support a man who is in my life it just feels so wrong because I know he doesn’t deserve my devotion like this but at the same time it feels so good to give it. I love supporting him. It’s fun! I go to his shows, stand up and clap for him. I tell everyone about him. I go to his events that he hosts. I call in for his radio interviews. I love watching him perform, I know all of his songs (Before they come out.) It feels so nice to be on someone’s team. Someone you believe in and who believes in you enough to put his name behind yours in this industry. I know we’re both just starting out and gaining some weight under our names but it’s good to have someone who is doing it with me. I love it when I see him shining. I feel shiny too. For whatever reason he was sent into my life, I’m grateful. Even though he act like he don’t see me. And I know it’s cuz he still into his ex like that. But anyway…Man..I’ve learned so much about myself by dealing with him. He annoys me more than anyone has ever done in my life. So grateful for him though. It’s frustrating because sharing with someone like this is magical yet draining because… At the end of the day…I wanna fuck. And he celibate and shit…all stuck on his ex and shit. The same shit I say to dudes, he says to me. That whole, “Don’t fall in love. I’m not on that right now. You’re gonna get hurt” shit. I say that ALL the time. But it’s only because I think the dude is cool but I would NEVER, EVER, EVER let him touch me. But I still like having him in my life cuz he’s cool and we have a nice vibe. But they all push forward and I do have to hurt them so they will get my point. Damn….
I know I’ve got so much to say and it’s partially because I just deleted my twitter account. I had to… I was feeling so uneasy about it and I realize that I have lost my ability to tell a good story. Man…I’m a blogger. That 140 character shit doesn’t suit my gift. I felt kinda out of place there and I was sending so much energy into it. But it still wasn’t enough of a release…I would still be tense after tweeting. And you know I use this blog as an emotional outlet.
I don’t know man…
Sometimes I feel so…so alone.
Man…I had a wild ass week. Well, not too wild but I have been trying my BEST not to be annoyed by school and still keep my head up about my show.
Oooh. Excuse me for what’s about to come rambling out of my mind…