Praise God for such a glorious day!
This was the day I realized an awesome truth and it has changed my life forever.
I’ll start at the beginning.
I woke up to my phone ringing and it’s Kim.
“What’s up, dawg?” she said. “I see that you called but I’ve been so busy.”
I quickly caught her up on my story and she was shocked when I got to the part about withdrawing from grad school. After a little pulling and pushing we came to an agreement and found peace again. Then I asked her what was going on with her because her energy was off.
“You’re right. I’m very tense. This week we had a blizzard and I couldn’t go out and prepare for my trip. Today is the only day I have cuz we leave tomorrow for California and my entire body is aching.”
I knew it! Whenever we react in a critical or emotional way to any situation it is not due to the situation but really, the condition of our hearts at the time.
So we blessed each other and hung up as I hopped in the shower and got dressed for my trip to Ft. Lauderdale to finish up the last of my appointments to ensure that I continue receiving unemployment.
One bus. Two buses. 2 hours later I’m walking the 5 blocks left to the center. I walk in and sit down, curling my feet beneath my long skirt as I wait for the workshop to begin. The workshop is 2 hours long and the topic is Social Networking. The lady teaches us how to set up social networking accounts and how to use them to find jobs.
Since I already know how to use all the social networks I fall asleep but then wake up when I realize there’s a search function on Linked In which may help in my search for the eligible bachelors I profile.
After the workshop, I run to meet my counselor and then run back to finish up another orientation. As I walk in there’s a man staring at me. I give him a little wave and go on about my business, setting myself up to sit at the computer so I can do the online video and testing.
About 15 minutes into the video the man I saw earlier appears.
“I was wondering if I could have a few minutes of your time,” he says as he pulls out a chair and takes a seat.
I giggle under my breath and smirk as he begins his speech.
“I, uh, I saw you and I would love the opportunity to get to know you better….”
Blah Blah Blah
He’s looking confident, yet nervous about my reaction so I decide to fuck with him.
“So, what you’re saying is, you wanna make out with me?”
His eyes grow wide. “Um, well if that’s what you want then we can do that.”
“Do you want to do it with me?” I ask.
“Um.. No. Not really.”
“Are you sure you haven’t thought about it yet?” I give him the EYE.
“Um, no. I haven’t.”
I laugh. “Well i just want to tell you, if you approach all of your goals the way you just approached me you are going to get everything that you want from life.”
He smiled. “Does that mean I can get your number?”
“Um. I’m a little busy here but if you come back in 30 minutes you can walk with me to the bus stop.”
“I was about to leave but, ok,” he says and dissappears.
30 minutes later I’m signing out and collecting more paperwork and he walks into the center doors. We walk outside and the weather is perfect so we stroll down the street. Not only is he unemployed, he doesn’t have a car or a real phone and he’s in technical school and this dude is older than ME. And to top all that off, he has a vibe of hopelessness about him. In fact, he says, “Trying to meet women is hopeless. I just want someone I can talk to and hang out with sometimes.”
“Maybe you should focus on getting yourself in a better position to be able to add to a woman’s life,” I suggest.
“I’m doing that,” he says. “But I still want someone to be around right now.”
“Look, you have everything you need to be successful,” I say as I take inventory of his strong demeanor and 6 foot slim frame. He’s fine.
“You’re FINE. You have confidence. Go do something with it.”
“I will, but I want to start by getting you to call me.”
I’m a little annoyed with myself by this time.
“What is it that you do?” he asked me. “I mean what did you do before you had to go to the unemployment center.”
“Well,” My head spun in circles as I decided how to answer. Should I tell him that I was months away from getting my masters degree but I quit? Should I describe how I spent a year living in my car and on the streets to make my dream of being a journalist come true? Should I describe myself as a coach, a writer, a documentary maker, a philosopher, an author?
I am none of those things right now.
Right now I am nothing.
I am nothing.
And the realization nearly brought tears to my eyes.
I am NOT defined by my past or the career I have.
I am NOTHING.
And here he was, a handsome young man who was faltering at creating stability yet, he still thought he should have a chance at having someone who loved him.
I used to define myself by my work. I felt so proud to say, “I am a graduate student and I am becoming a Relationship Therapist.” It gave me credibility. Clout. It meant I was going places.
But now that I don’t have that. I am NOTHING.
I am NOTHING.
And I’ve never felt so free. If someone is going to want to be around me, they won’t do it because I fit into what they envision success is. If someone wants to be around me, it’ll be because they treasure ME.
So I woke up from my trance, my revelation, and the dude was still talking.
“Dude. Look. I am not what you think I am. You just like me cuz I’m pretty.”
“I just want someone to talk to,” he explained, which infuriated me.
I want someone I can learn from too and most people I meet don’t give a damn about the things I care about. I have lots to teach him but what the fuck could he do for me?
I said goodbye and hopped on my bus. I switched buses and sat down for the rest of the ride. I was lost in my thoughts when my phone rang and it was Tamara.
“Tee, I need you to help me,” she said. “I’m starting to get scared. Do you remember when I told you before that I think I’m a jinx with men? You know how for some reason, every man I’m with loses everything he has once I get with him. I’m scared. One of Mack’s stores is failing right now. I’m wondering if it’s my fault.”
My mind goes back in time to Tamara’s past relationships. She meets men who are wildly successful and flourishing. Both of her children are from NFL football players, well, they were before they met her.
I can see where she’s going with this so I take a few seconds to decide on my approach.
“Prince. I can see how you’re feeling right now. You care so much about him that you figure his successes are your successes and his failures are a reflection of you. It’s not. The reason why you witnessed these hard times with the men wasn’t because of you, it was a blessing for THEM. They went through those hard times with you by their side and that is why they were able to get through them. I bet if you called any of those dudes they would say they would never choose anyone else to go through a disaster with because you held them down. You are not a jinx. You were their angel.”
She was silent for a moment before saying, “I never thought of it that way, Tee.”
“Now go be a blessing to Mack tonight,” i told her.
“I’m picking up dinner for him right now,” she said. “I hope it makes him feel better.”
“Me too,” I agreed. “And please, next time you want to describe how your man is depressed because ONE of his businesses isn’t generating the revenue it was generating last year please find someone else to talk to cuz that shit was so sexy! Prince! I DREAM about having a conversation like that with a man I’m with! OMG! That’s sexy as fuck! You’re gonna make me want him and then you’re gonna get mad at me cuz I will fuck him and we’re not gonna be friends after that.”
She laughed. “Tee. You’re crazy. I didn’t realize it until you said it. That was kinda hot.”
“Dude. For real? I just met a man who had to walk me to the bus stop. He couldn’t even buy me a bottle of water.”
I then tell Tamara about my revelation. “I am nothing, Prince. I am nothing.”
“I don’t like the way that sounds,” she says “but I get what you are trying to say. It actually reminds me of this episode of Millionaire Matchmaker where this dude, I mean, he was a millionaire and all but I liked him because he lived on an island and he did NOTHING all day. He just hung out and read and explored. He barely spent any money because he would catch his food and cook it himself. He said he wanted somebody to do nothing with.”
I gasped. “Prince!”
“Yep,” she confirmed. “What if this revelation is a sign for you that you might meet someone who has the resources where you both can just do NOTHING together?”
“What if life isnt about chasing degrees and accolades and awards and status? What if I can really just meet someone and then say, I don’t do ANYTHING and they want to join me?”
“Yep. It could happen,” Prince affirmed.
That would be hot!
The bus ride took more than an hour and I sat there laughing to myself about the day’s events. My sons called and I told them to ask their Daddy to drop them off for the weekend. They seemed excited. I know I am!
Once I got off the bus I walked to the grocery store to pick up a sub and then walked through downtown. I’m just smiling to myself when I recognize a familiar face.
It’s this chick from my class, with her sexy ass. This bitch is like Spanish or some shit and her personality is amazing. She reminds me of me except thinner and her long dark hair is so beautiful. She’s with her boyfriend and she introduces me. I laugh. I had a feeling she was feeling me by the convos we had in class. Once she said, “You should come over and let my boyfriend cook for us.”
“I moved here,” she says. “I live on Montrose. 1356 Montrose. Apartment B.”
“So you want me to just show up at your house and knock on your door anytime I want?” I asked and glanced over at her boyfriend who is smiling at her.
“Yes,” she says and looks at me.
“Ok,” I say. “See you later.”
I laugh and laugh the whole way home. I stop by the store on the way and ask the store clerk, “Do you know how to read palms?” He laughs. “No, but I can read faces.”
I laugh. “See ya!”
I continue my walk and wave to various people hanging out. When I round the last corner I see a woman standing in the distance. She’s smiling in my direction. I turn around to see if someone is behind me but there isn’t. As I walk on and get closer she says, “Look its the crazy girl from the Circle.”
I laugh. I recognize her. It’s the chick who walked with me the other day. The one who knew everything about me.
She looks different. She has a full head of weave now. I walk over to her and she quickly turns away. “Goodnight,” she says, playing the game raw.
“Stop.” I command.
“Where are you going?”
“Oh. Inside my house. Isn’t that what people do when they get home,” she’s smiling so BIG. She’s cute.
“Look,” I say and shift my bag from one shoulder to the next. “You appeared in my dreams the other night.”
Her eyes lit up. “Oh really?”
“Yep. You were sick on the couch and I asked you what’s wrong and you said you didn’t know.”
She laughed and turned away walking toward her apartment. “Goodnight!” she called out. “I still don’t know your name!”
I laughed and walked on, hustling inside my own place.
This bitch think I’m crazy. She know my damn name and I ain’t sweating that hoe. She cute but I ain’t pressed to be with nobody. I like the way she vibe though. I bet you I can get her if I wanted to.
But I don’t think I want to.
I wonder if she can cook.