The Trigger

I know that the world is against me and that I don’t belong here. Yet, I still try to make the best of my time while I am alive.

Somehow I got must have got sentenced to time on earth for something I did wrong and I have to endure it.

I pulled the trigger today. Well, the trigger pulled itself. I blamed Sylvia, because she was on the phone with me but really, it was no one’s fault.

I have this problem and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t trust anyone. I don’t believe that my presence makes any difference in anyone’s life. My value to my sons is, I make them laugh. Beyond that, I don’t know.

When my trigger pulls itself, there’s no turning back. I have to DO something. I have to do an ACT immediately to relieve myself or the tormenting thoughts won’t go away. They sound like ME except they are a reminder of every way I am a failure and every way I have been hurt and they point the finger at whoever is near whispering, “Get rid of them, they’re going to do it too.”

So I listen. I cut people off. I compare them to those who have hurt me in the past. I see the similarities. I feel the same vibe. I know what’s coming and that warning feeling tells me that I have to get them away from me, for my own good and for theirs.

That’s why I hate it when people are attracted to me. It’s so stupid, this physical case I call a body draws them to me every day. They THINK I am someone I’m not because of how I look. They think they want to be friends. They think they want to know me. They think they want to marry me- all because I’d look good in their facebook pictures.

But I’m not that chick. I’m not somebody you want to be around when the trigger goes off. I treasure my friends because they KNOW how to handle me, it hurts them I’m sure, but they KNOW my heart so they don’t get offended, they don’t run away. They KNOW me. They KNOW my mood swings and they know my heart so they PUSH through the emotional tirades because they know I’m coming back down soon.

And when I do come down, like now, I feel bad. But then again I feel good because the person who imagined they wanted me in their life now sees the fullness of who I am and they can move on, disappointed but still hopeful about their romantic future. Another crazy one- why are all the beautiful women crazy?

I don’t- fit in anywhere. No one GETS me. But because of this I’ve spent years and years studying human interactions and thought patterns to understand myself better and I can help you understand yourself. While I can’t seem to change who I am, I can tell exactly what it is that triggers me.

My head hurts. I have a lot of work to do. I know it seems like I don’t do shit, but I do. I’m always organizing something behind the scenes and always trying to help someone but when the trigger is pulled I have to STOP- look around- and FIRE someone (push them away) so they won’t continue to be hurt by me or I guess, I won’t be hurt when they get to know the REAL me and be disappointed because I am not normal and I can’t function in this world the way the average person does and I don’t care to.

My trigger was pulled today and I picked myself up by listening to songs from my youth and remembering back to those days when I was still so hopeful about life and love and opportunities. I don’t really give a fuck anymore about any of it. I’m just trying to save women from feeling this disconnection from the world that I feel everyday. I don’t matter much, it’s over for me, but I can be a silent ghost, protecting women the way I always wished I could have been protected- loving women the way I wish I had been loved- and assisting them in the way that I wish I had been assisted.

My trigger was pulled today and when it FIRED it hit at least 3 people and hurt them in the same way I was hurting.

I would say I’m sorry but I’m not. Run. Go away. Find someone else to care about. It’s not gonna be me. I’m not that chick. Hurry up! Go!

I just want you to be happy.

But honestly, to overcome my trigger, all I need is someone strong enough to tell me NO when I try to push them away. I try to push Anna away all the time and she just says, “Yeah right.” So I have to keep talking to her because she won’t go away.

I’m not rude even though I try to be.

Get It Done Anyway

I just finished this video. It’s the conclusion of my September challenge. What’s so wild is the fact that no matter how I’m feeling or what personal issues I have going on, I put on my makeup and still do the work I have to do of inspiring others.

Sometimes when I’m speaking I have to remind myself to SMILE, but I get it done anyway.

They Want More

Remember the erotic story I wrote last week? Well, it’s been about TWO days since I submitted it to this erotic lit website and they posted it and at this point more than 40,000 people have viewed it and more than 300 people have rated it and I have a 3.9 out of 5 so they really like it!

I have a few comments on the story and for the most part they say its bizarre and intriguing and they want to know more about Daina, Elena and Brandon and how they came to such an interesting exchange.

Is this based on a true story? Naw, but, I could make it happen easily. ~smile~

Um. ~scratching head~ I am so not a fiction writer and right now I have too much other stuff to do to imagine a back story but maybe I will turn it into a novel. I just dislike fiction because there’s so much drama and I don’t need any additional drama in my life- not for entertainment.

But ~poppin my collar~ I gotta give the people what they want and they want MORE! LOL Hm. Maybe I’ll do like a series of independent short stories that are related. Like, little snapshots of their backstories, out of sequence. I can begin with the hot story and write the rest at my leisure and then put them together and publish that as a book.



Not tonight though, I am emotionally drained. Looking forward to spending time with my sons tomorrow. When I’m with them, nothing even matter except for their laughter.

I Need A Spanking

I met a blind man at the restaurant a month or so ago. He came in and I showed him to his seat. He asked if he could touch my hand and shrugged and said Ok. He put his fingers around my wrist a la Ray Charles and declared that I must be a 9 or a 10. I laughed.

Then he started asking me personal questions. Ugh. I hate this part. I love vibing with my customers, hearing about their day, laughing with them, describing the food but I really, really HATE when they ask me questions about my personal life. It’s so uncomfortable because I don’t want to lie to them but really, no one EVER understands my personality or agrees with my life choices so I don’t like having to explain or defend myself to strangers.

But I did- because I work for tips. Of course he asked me, “Why are you still single?”

~sigh~ I wrote an entire chapter dedicated to that question in my book yet all of the excuses escaped me when he asked. I fumbled through some answers and tried to walk away but he wouldn’t leave it alone.

As he walked out the door he turned to me and said, “I know what you need, you need a good spanking. You need to be put in your place by a real man.”

I smiled politely and turned away.

Then I thought- Damn. he’s right. I scare men off so easily. All I would really need is to meet my match, someone who doesn’t take NO for an answer and makes me respect him by taking good care of me and not tolerating my emotional tirades.

But that doesn’t happen. I easily intimidate all men.


I love…

shocking people with my honesty

doing the things most people are afraid to do

pretending I’m a superhero and acting like it

crying during the sad scenes in movies

dancing like I’m still 15

taking off my bra when I get home from work

coming down off of my anxiety attack and realizing, “that was crazy. you’re okay.”

apologizing when I am wrong

coming up with a new idea

telling others how much I appreciate them

spreading positive gossip about others

giving my things away

making babies laugh

laughing at people who are angry with me for being myself

being authentic in every way

being a brat when I feel like it

opening my email and reading- Of course I’d love to be interviewed for your site!

giving my sons full body massages

spending as much money as I want

not caring if I lose or win


facing my fears

wishing for things I have no control over

looking foolish for doing something I really want to do

crying while listening to songs from my youth

being petted


dreaming about visiting far away places

being afraid, but doing it anyway

giving people one last chance

Free Flow

Inside my head

Round and round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows.

My Free Flow

So I just got out of bed with two football players. He he. They’re my sons, duh! Their Dad dropped them off after their football game and they brought chicken wings with them. He and I don’t even speak to each other, but it’s not like hatred, at least on my part. In fact, I can remember how my everyday was consumed by thoughts of how he felt about me and how disgusting he thought I was. Now, I don’t care anymore at all. It’s weird how things can change. MY opinion of who I am matters more to me than anyone else’s and I am grateful that I grew up.

He’s an awesome Dad though. The other day I asked my son, “Hey, can you ask your Dad if he’ll be MY Daddy too?” He is so involved, so on point. He is not a dictator. My sons don’t FEAR him. They respect him and they adore him. They feel LOVED by him. Imagine that- Having a father that you feel loves you. Wow.

I still think that there are remnants of our relationship floating around in my brain because for some reason, I expect all men to view me in the way that he did for all those years. Intellectually I understand that most PEOPLE show hatred when they really hate themselves. Any negative comment I see it as them feeling powerless over something in their life and they are releasing the negative vibes onto me, not because they think I deserve it, but because I’m simply- present at the moment. I learned not to take it personally. Growth. So grateful.

I’m a little nervous about my next set of videos. It’s October 2011. I’m officially 10 years single. I have been looking forward to this month for years and years, hoping that by the time it comes, I would not have been hurt by anyone and have completely closed myself off to romantic relationships. I’m VERY good at it too. Men are mostly invisible to me but every once in a while one sneaks under the radar and then surprise- I’m thinking- I like him.

But then that statement is followed by a feeling of utter stupidity. You KNOW what happens when you LIKE a dude. You KNOW how they are when you are nice to them. I hate the fact that when I like a man and I want to be my REAL self, who is sweet and accomodating and loving, they never appreciate that shit. They see it as a sign of weakness. I think I generally attract submissive men and submissive men LOATHE nurturing women. They want to be cursed out. They want to fight. They want to be punished. I don’t want to do any of that. I want to meet someone who KNOWS he is a king and expects me to serve him as such.

I would. Completely. All sexual requests granted. His businesses would take off with me offering encouragement and creative ideas behind the scenes. I’m not a selfish woman either so if I had a true King I’d allow him to partner with me in business so that he could make money off of my talents too. I’m not into the whole ‘I own you’ thing so he could have girlfriends on the side as long as he’s not giving them MY time and as long as he allows me to have a girlfriend on the side too. LOL

Man, there are so many things I want to try- least of all is marriage. I want to be a mistress at some point. That would so turn me on. Ehh, it might be better if the wife knew about me and approved though, I hate the thought of hurting a woman. I saw this one show where the wife of a doctor came home and found her husband in the jacuzzi with another woman. She snuck up on them, kneeled down and said, “I thought we were getting a brunette tonight.”

The woman got out of the jacuzzi, went to a bag and produced a dark haired wig before joining the doctor in the jacuzzi again- all the while smiling up at the wife. As the wife turned to walk away, the lady whispered something in the doctor’s ear and he called out, “Honey.”

His wife turned around with a puzzled expression. “Yes?”

“She wants you to hang around a while and watch.”

The wife sat down with an amused expression as she watched her husband and this random woman ride each other in the jacuzzi.


OMG! That is like, one of my favorite masturbation fantasies!

Speaking of masturbation. Ever since my period came on I can’t seem to do it anymore. While I’m in the midst of PMS I feel like a BEAST on the prowl for sexual gratification and then when my period comes on, all that sexual hunger goes away. My cycle stays on for 3 days and then I’m done, leaving me exhausted and sexually uninterested. This period was crazier than usual. I have never cramped so hard during my PMS or felt so out of wack emotionally only to have a very light flow. That never happens, I usually go HARD for the entire 3 days of my period and I usually don’t cramp at all during my PMS. Weird.

Anyway, today I was thinking about my sons and the privilege they have because they have two educated parents. While I don’t have 3 degrees like their father, I’m still no dummy. Think about it though. My sons don’t know what POOR is. All of their Dad’s friends drive luxury cars and own homes. They are all seasoned professionals in their fields and they are all Black men in their early 30’s.

Imagine what kind of person I would have been if I had been exposed to any of that. The things I’ve accomplished in my lifetime have been because I expected to be super successful and I was often confused by the lack of imagination of my peers.

There’s a big world out there- can’t you SEE IT?

My boys see it. They live it. They take trips and go on vacations. The only financial struggle they see is, well, mine.

When I grew up I was super spoiled so alth0ugh I’m from the hood, I never went without. It was really to the point where I would be given a gift and instead of being grateful that I got ANYTHING, if I didn’t like it, I’d give it back.

“I don’t like these shoes.”

“Tee, those cost $90.”

“They’re ugly. I’m not wearing them.”

Wow. I was such a brat. Now that I have nothing, I still feel like I’m the same way. Maybe me being able to give away everything is an atestment to that. I mean, if you REALLY experience lack and struggle, you try to hold on tight to what you have, but when you are a spoiled brat, you give shit away and not think about it again because you know you can get more when you feel like it.

I know that one day I’ll have more than I need, and honestly today I feel rich even without a wardrobe, car or ample bank account. I have quiet time. I have a job that allows me to focus on my creative work when I’m off and STILL pays my bills. I have an awesome bed. I have fun on the internet everyday.

I’m sitting in the living room because my sons are sprawled out on my bed and there’s no room for me in there right now. I’m sitting in the spot that me and the Older Man sat in when he came to visit last week.

Damn. As soon as I typed his “name” the anxiety in my chest rose up. That’s not a good sign.


Honestly. For real, for real. You know as well as I do that I do not know how to play the game with men. I have no clue. I’m usually very honest with them which confuses them. And with him, well, you can be the judge.

He is the only man I’ve ever met who continuously praises me to my face about things that don’t have to do with the firmness of my ass or how pretty my eyes are. For the first time, I felt like someone really SAW me and my potential.

But then, he never makes plans with me. When I want to see him I have to ask. He’ll say yes but then he’ll say, “Let’s play it by ear.” Then I won’t hear from him at all until he can ‘stop by’.

I feel like I’m the mistress but it would be more exciting if he really had someone else instead of telling me he doesn’t have anyone right now which makes me think he just doesn’t give a damn about treating me like a woman should be treated. He doesn’t do it right. No one has yet. I thought because he was older, it would be a different experience but it’s not. I cringe when I find myself wondering, “Does this man even LIKE me? Is he even attracted to me at all?” He shows no signs of it. He only expresses admiration for the work I do. He never touches me. He never wants to show me off in public.

He said to me, “I’m like a butterfly that can’t be caught.” I get it. You don’t want to settle down. Me neither. I have no problem with that but I would like to have some fun. My problem is, secretly I am a faithful person. I can only LIKE one man at a time so while I’m desiring him and being attracted to him and he’s ignoring my calls and texts- I get frustrated and I wish he had never started putting in the effort to get my attention. He did. I was confused by it at first and then I realized- aww, he’s attracted to me. How cute! Then once I felt the same way and told him, he stopped everything.

Yet, when I see him, my body lights up. I want to touch him so badly. We did. I mean, we didn’t do EVERYTHING but we made out a little, touched a little, but it was more like a silent passionate dance and it was oh so beautiful.

I wanted some more. That’s my only problem. I remember my old mentor told me, “You can have the man you want by not sleeping with him. Have someone else to sleep with while you simply date the one you really like.”

Yeah. But, I think she was more marriage minded than I am. I don’t want to fall into that trap, stuck in a house with a man who ignores my needs and doesn’t recognize what a blessing I am to his life. You can have that while I have fun dodging the wedding ring.

Oh. Well I gotta go.

My boys just woke up and asked me to come back to bed with them.


Looking For the Benefit

I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my boys.

I’m trying to wind down from it and get back to reality. I have to work tonight. Overnight. Sunday. It should be a relaxing ride. Work usually brings me pleasure it’s just, last night when I couldn’t sleep I had this waking nightmare and, well, it wasn’t fun at all.

Being a waitress is a completely humbling experience. It’s fun. You get to meet new people all the time and you get to exercise your skills at making them feel good. I manipulate energy a lot at work. Like, if a table doesn’t seem to be in good spirits, I silently send them good energy and tease them a little to make them smile.

The hardest part about work, besides when the supplies are running low and you have to go on a treasure hunt to find things is when I get a table that is intent on asking me questions. They’re usually questions that border on the line of judging me because I am a waitress or because I’m single or because my name is so hood.

A week or so ago, I had a beautiful couple at my table and the man kept asking me about how I ended up as a waitress and what I was going to do to move forward in life. “Maybe you should think about getting some education,” he suggested. “Maybe you can find a mentor or something. You’re too pretty to be working here.”

I just stayed quiet and smiled and thanked him for his suggestions.

Another night not long after that other table, I met a man who was so interesting looking. He was there with his beautiful wife. She seemed cheerful enough but he wore a frown on his face the entire time, although he was dressed impeccably. I stood there enduring questions from him the entire time like, “Where are you from?” I told him, which is a very poor part of Miami. He raised his eyebrow and asked, “What is the farthest away that you’ve ever been?”

I told him.

“Hmph,” he said and explained himself. “Seems to me that people from that part of the city don’t ever move out of their city limits.”

I understood what he was saying and I have felt the same way at times but I found his conversation to be very offensive. I know my hood isn’t the greatest and I am constantly judged by people who have ‘made it’ when I say that I am from there. It’s like they look down on me.

On that night, standing in front of a couple who obviously had ‘made it’ and feeling like they were laughing at me, I decided that I wouldn’t feel bad about it. They don’t know me. They don’t know my talents or my choices. In order to manage my emotions I just, inhaled and exhaled and PUSHED out some love energy at the man. I pushed it out so much that I actually felt love for him and nothing else.

“Greatness comes out of Liberty City,” I said to him. “Look at me.”

Yeah. Look at me.

Constantly defending who I am to people who know absolutely nothing about my capabilities. That’s crazy.

The really crazy part is, although people think I should want more- I don’t. I mean, yes, I want to move and have my own space but, other than that, it’s a whatever.

I received my first request for mentoring today. I am now offering free mentoring sessions through my website. It’s a service I would have damn sure utilized myself had it been available to me. I’m half way jealous and half way proud that women now have the blessing of someone who is willing to listen to them and share wisdom.

Do you know how many YEARS I spent emailing, calling and writing letters before the internet came along? I have studied marketing, business models, biographies, philosophy. I take the free online courses when they are offered. It took me 3 hours to figure out how to point the new domain name to my blog. I study coding. I study how to write effective emails. I write and write to people asking them for advice on how to be successful. I always wished I could find someone with wisdom who could help me along and believe in me. Even now, when I meet someone I think has wisdom, I ask for help and for the most part, I am turned down.

I have a number of women, well, 3 in total so far, in this city who keep emailing me asking me over and over to meet with them. One of them I vaguely remember but the others I don’t. They want to speak with me in person about their goals and they want me to partner with them in developing their ideas. I don’t get why they are doing this. I’m nobody. I have nothing. I wouldn’t even have a decent outfit to wear if I met them for lunch.

While I am not available to do that because I don’t want to catch buses around the city when I can just talk on the phone, these women are persistent. So I just tell them about my 30 minute free mentoring phone sessions and hope that it will be enough.

I don’t understand why people want to meet. I can ask my questions through email. In fact, I don’t even do phone interviews anymore. I am so pressed for time and energy that I am sure the women I profile are as well so I just send over questions via email and ask them to send them back and then I write the profile that way.

I don’t know man. I need to raise my vibe. I’m feeling kind of down right now and I can’t do that to my customers tonight. They’re coming out to eat to have a good time and be taken care of. My issues are mine, I can’t transfer them to these people.

I’d love to hug my boys more. I’d love to have a home where I feel safe and the people there aren’t lieing to me to my face or stalking me online. I’d love to go to the dentist and get my teeth fixed. Besides the fact that I smoke a LOT, I have several infected teeth which makes my breath so BAD; it’s so embarrassing. I just need money to go to the dentist.

And yeah, it’s October. 10 years being single and I have to sit down and focus on what I can teach thats POSITIVE about all of that. I swear, I would love to one day have good stories to tell about the guys I meet.

Oh, he took me here. He taught me this. He introduced me to this person. We stayed up all night discussing philosophy and his take on the African American experience was so difference because of his upbringing. He’s taking me to see his favorite play tonight. Ooh, I’m going with him to a private party.

I don’t get to tell those stories at all. All I get to write is how some guy met me adored me for a few minutes and then ignored me after that. What can I teach that’s positive about being single for 10 years?

I have to come up with something. I have grown as a woman but my mental state of growth doesn’t seem to be reflected in the way men treat me. Young or old, wealthy or not, they all seem to just throw me to the side.

What’s positive about being single for 10 years?

I’ve got to figure this out, because I know something awesome came from it.

Never Gonna Be The Same Again

Yesterday was a life changing day for me. All night long at work, the replay of events kept running through my mind and I was speechless and in awe of what I experienced.

I don’t even know how to process what I’m feeling and I don’t know what I want anymore or if there is anything to want. All I can say is, I spent some time with the Older Man and after that experience, I will never look at men the same way ever again.

Eye Opening

Sometimes I’m afraid to write. I mean, I can write an encouraging word but I tend to stay away from writing my opinions on social affairs mainly because I think it’s dumb to go around yelling your opinion about something you can not directly affect.

So I don’t usually form opinions unless I can come up with a way to make an impact on the situation. But, in the case of my site, I have to. I have a platform and it has to have a voice; MY voice. I have to learn to look at the world around me, make a judgment and speak (write) on it. So I’m going to be paying extra attention from now on.

Perfect Moments

Last night I had a table of about 7 kids. Well, they were kids to ME since I’m now in my 30’s. But at one point I was standing there and someone made a joke and we were all LAUGHING SO HARD that we had to try to catch our breaths. As I’m walking away to put away their menus the kid on the end says, “I love life!” I smile at him and say, “Yeah, isn’t it fun?”

At that moment, the entire world was perfect.

Last night I served another table. Four older people who ordered two appetizers, smoothies and then their meals. After they were done eating and I was collecting the bill they all smiled at me and complimented me on my service.

“You’re like a professional at this,” the woman said.

“Yes, I’m a superstar!” I said and they all laughed. “I’m an artist.”

“Poetry?” the woman asked.

“Yes, that too.”

“Would you grace us with a performance?”

“Of course!”

So I performed to eager smiles all around the table and genuine laughter. After I came back with their paid check the woman says, “You really blessed him,” pointing to the man sitting to her right. “He says you remind him so much of his mother. Thank you for that.”

I beamed at the man as he smiled lovingly at me. “You were just like her,” he said.

At that moment, the entire world was perfect.

The other night the whole restaurant was empty so me, the other server and the manager stepped outside the front door into the warm night air. We sat and joked and shared stories about coming out, our experiences as servers and things that annoy us.

At one point we were laughing so HARD that it felt like magic was in the air. We all looked at each other, smiling as out laughter subsided. Sometimes they make me feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. We shared the same universe, the same heartbeat through our laughter.

At that moment, the entire world was perfect.

The other morning, just as I was about to get off, a single man came in for breakfast. I chatted with him as he told me he was only in town for one day and about to fly out again.

“Ooh! Let me guess what you do!” I told him. “Are you a district manager flying around closing down roller derby rinks?”

He laughed and laughed.

“I work for the man,” he hinted.

“Well then, tell me the opposite of what you do and let me guess,” I suggested.

“Ok,” he thought for a few seconds. “I greet good people.”

Huh? “Oh, I know! You work for the FBI!”

He laughed and laughed! “You have such a healthy imagination!”

“You repo cars!” I said.

He laughed and laughed.

“You’re a warden!” I offered.

He laughed so hard he almost dropped his drink.

I never did figure out what his profession was.

BUT- At that moment, the entire world was perfect.