I had such a good time with my jits the other day. You won’t even believe what happened.
Oh my gosh. Boy I tell you. I never learn. I’m new in this industry right, so I’m not as star struck as a lot of people because it was not something I idolized. Man..I really need to step outside of my box socially. I still freak out when I’m in large crowds. My arms get jittery and my energy is throwed off.
I feel so good right now.
I know I haven’t been updating and I realize that I used to use my blog as my main companion and now I actually have a real person in my life to share with. When I’m talking to him, I don’t think about blogging at all. I’m sorry.
I kinda miss telling stories though. But I’m for real….you do NOT wanna hear the crazy ass emotional ass ride that I’ve been going on with DEEP. And it’s all in my head. I make the situation stressful because there are certain things I expect a man to do and DEEP is like, “We’re friends. Stop placing your expectations on me. Kill your desires.”
Our relationship has changed so much. I feel so crazy even writing about this because I hope that one day I won’t have to log on to my blog and go skimming through the archives and say, “Wow, remember that guy DEEP I used to do everything with?”
I’m not afraid of losing him. I am used to overcoming a loss. That’s not the issue, the issue is what will I do with him if he stays. I am not used to having a male companion that I am attracted to. Like..how does that work? If he leaves, I’ll be relieved because I sometimes believe that I secretly want to prove to myself that I am unloveable. But it’s hard when you have someone who enjoys your company and won’t walk away and he wants to be your friend but you are attracted to him and want a certain kind of attenion…
I mean, you spend so much time together that there’s no way you could even date anyone else. You feel like you’re brother and sister and argue like siblings. You’re a pair. You’re the first one the other person calls with ANY news…You’ve stood outside the door of the bathroom talking while the other person is using it. Shared a bath towel. And then there’s that time you accidently sleep together. And wake up like…Whoa…
I know…. I got mad at him because he told some girl he met on twitter that she was beautiful. Man…I flipped for real on his ass. So emotional. I feel sorry for that man. He handled it well though. So now we’re not even following each other on twitter. I blocked his ass cuz I don’t wanna see that flirting shit! I am so jealous and I don’t know why and that is NOT me.
But we’re still friends on facebook.
I know this post is long and mainly about DEEP but I’m sorry, I just write what’s on my mind and usually…it’s him intermingled with my daily activities.
I ain’t saying we are together in the romantic sense but I like what we have. Today I decided not to focus on him as a person so much and try to focus on the qualities I like about him.
If I constantly remind myself WHY I like him, it will attract more people with those qualities. I would love to experience the next phase AFTER what DEEP and I have experienced together. I would love to meet someone like him or BETTER to go deeper with.
I am fearful when I spend too much time with him. He has gotten to see ALL of me. The ME that nobody, not even my kids get to see. And he still sitting right there. I keep waiting for him to get disgusted and walk away. He fights for our friendship, literally battles with me when I tell him to leave me alone because I’m too scared to stay friends with him.
Our relationship has changed so much. I’ve never gotten this far with any man before. Wait…my Baby Daddy. Oh yeah. But honestly, we broke up in 2001 for the last time and I don’t really remember our relationship like that. Like, I have memories of stuff we did but they hold no emotion attached to them. I don’t feel any kind of way about him anymore. Not good or bad- just indifferent.
I actually got to see him the other day. I dropped off the boys to their new house and he was standing outside. I looked him up and down just curious to see what he looks like now.
He looks the same. Black as ever. He is doing this goatee type thing with his beard and I like it. I think he looks handsome. I laughed as I watched him standing there. Was I really WITH this man? For real? Wow. We used to have a life together. It seems like a dream.
I’m so different than I was when I was with him. I have gone through so many fears. I developed most of them when I was with him, but I have overcome so many.
Man…I’m rambling but I needed this because I haven’t really had internet at my house for WEEKS. I Was struggling with my internet fix.
Aww…You know what my sons did the other night? After they took showers I rubbed them both down with lotion and then my sons gave ME a back massage. It felt so nice. Those little hands were just chopping and squeezing away. That made me feel good.
And then…my son saw a dress that he’d never seen before.
“Mommy, try this on.”
I laughed. “Why baby?”
“I wanna see you in it.”
I put the dress on and he stood behind me to zip me up. After he did he said, “You should wear this today. You look good Mama.”
I was CHEESING!
My baby made me feel so good!
“Wow!” I said, “You guys make me feel like I’m so pretty!”
“That’s because you are,” my son told me.
I wish I could get this kind of treatment all the time!
I feel horrible today. Yesterday I developed a sore throat and a body ache and I’m tired. Me and DEEP had a wonderful time on the phone last night. We were talking about random junk when he said, “Ms. Tee?”
“Hmm?” I replied.
“Penis,” He stated.
“Pussy,” He said.
We went for more than an hour straight of WORD ASSOCIATION! No other convo, just what word first pops up after you hear the last word. OVER AN HOUR of this…just laughing and then playing this silly game. When I said “Sleep” he was like, “I think that’s the end of the game, Tee.”
But we still talked for like 15 more minutes and finally hung up.
I love talking to him. I think I’m, just gonna enjoy what it is cuz it’s beautiful to me. And he is. And I’m glad I made a friend.
The weather is very bad here. Well, its rainy. Last time it looked like this, my show was canceled. I hope I know the status BEFORE I drive all the way to South Beach this afternoon. Plus, my 2nd semester of summer school starts today. Ughh…
The Word for today is: Vitamin C
It just happened two days ago. I was fine until I dropped DEEP off to his appointment and when I got home my throat was hurting. Then it got worse. Then my body started to ache. Then I started feeling like ugh all over.
So that’s me- laying on my futon all day coughing and shivering. Reminds me of the time I had that UTI. Or the times when I got pregnant back in the day. I hope it goes away soon. I already missed the first day of classes and my show was canceled. But its probably a good thing, I need new tires anyway and I shouldn’t be driving to South Beach with my car like that.
I can barely breathe. Maybe I’ve been smoking too much. I really want to treat my body better but it seems like its more expensive to eat healthier and I’m always on a gas station food and dollar value menu diet. Or I just don’t eat at all trying to save the money for my kids when they come.
WHo the hell ever thought life would be this way?
My birthday is in one week and since I desperately need tires, I probably won’t be able to celebrate or see my kids. Plus…I have to move by next week too. With what money? I don’t know. It’s time to go though.
I had an interesting conversation with Yolanda yesterday. SHe lost her signal just as it was getting really good. When I look back at her life and the things she has gone through and how things worked out so well for her, I feel better about my own life direction and I know I’ll be okay. She has 5 kids and lost everything at one point and spent years rebuilding now she has a family, a family business and a husband who really supports her. One of the questions she asked was, “What is success really? Are we defining it for ourselves or are we allowing others to define it for us?”
Success for me would be to be able to take good care of myself and my sons as a result of my creative work. I don’t know how that will happen. I guess I’ll start working on my 2nd book, keep going with my show and I really want to do a blogtalk radio show about Black Love Stories. It encourages me to hear them and I’m sure other singles could learn a lot by listening to positive stories. I just need to figure out where I’m going to live next, get settled and start working on my projects again. I need to manifest a miracle by my birthday.
Let’s see what happens.
I walked into class yesterday, I missed the first day of class because I got sick really quickly and was bed-ridden for 2 days. I only ate soup once and drank 2 bottles of water. It was rough.
Then I got a call from a new guyfriend who offered to be nice to me and take care of me while I was sick. I called Tamara to see what she thought about it and she said, “sure go ahead.”
So I went over there and….
He was nothing but a gentleman. In fact, he treated me better than most men. He was so affectionate that I melted in his arms. My body was sore and he rubbed my back for me. All the while telling me how beautiful I am. I needed that.
I don’t trust his ass. I’m sure he’s plotting on me. The nicer I am to him, the more he’s gonna hate me and try to hurt me. I see it all the time. These hoes be straight murdering men’s spirits and then men fall in love with that. Happens all the time. But I don’t wanna be like that. I wanna make my man feel like a King and I wanna serve him. For real.
Anyway…I’m looking at him cross eyed because he’s already talking about how much he likes me and wants all of me. Yeah right. His plan will be unfoiled soon. I don’t even have to worry about it.
But it sure did feel so good to be held…
Yeah but I went to class and this girl walks in and says, “Michael Jackson died”
I said, “That’s not even funny.”
My professor made a call and confirmed it. He offered a 5 minute break before beginning the 3 and a half hour lecture. I made it through but by the time I left class I was feeling so sad and nauseaus and just…out of it. I made it to the gas station on West Dixie before I pulled over and started crying. Some random man came over to me and I wanted to punch him. I’m sure he wanted to pretend to be nice so he could hurt me too.
Men…they’re everywhere and they come out of the floors and ceilings like roaches, ready to pounce and devour. In my heart I want to be nice to them and help them with their goals and treat them like Kings and..usually I do. But…I always feel a ping in my heart like I’m being used and I throw them away shortly after before they can use me again.
But back to Michael…
He’s gone. But not really. No one alive will ever forget him. He made history for real. And…I just don’t believe that we really dissappear when we die. I think we change forms. I’m sure there will be another artist to come along and help continue the transition of music in a grand way.
Speaking of…why was I listening to the radio today and I heard some dude who sounded JUST Like Kanye…but it wasn’t him? I was upset.
That affection from that man sure felt good. I’d like some more but from someone I can trust to care about me. I hope I never see that guy again.
I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night although that is what I wanted to do. Instead, I hummed myself to sleep.