I missed a whole week on my blog and I didn’t even recognize it. What the hell have I been doing? Oh yeah…being distracted by DEEP and my crazy emotions.
Man…there’s so much to say and I have no idea how to say it or IF I should say it…but me and this man have been spending way too much time together. It bothers me and uplifts me at the same time.
I wish I could write more but I think I’m embarrassed that I’ll be retelling the same stories over and over again, a direct replica from my past. I’m confused and excited and tired and hopeful all at the same time and for the first time in a while, I am at a loss for words. 
I’m sorry.

Some Other Shit

I had such a good time with my jits the other day. You won’t even believe what happened.

Besides watching them fight each other all weekend, I woke up Saturday morning and my son was on my computer. I grabbed it up and sat down on the bed to check my email and as I flipped through the tabs I saw…
So I did something I never do…I looked through the history to see how he found those and it showed me that he had been googling strip clubs and naked girls online. I was shocked as I looked at the pictures showing. He stood there staring at me, looking scared. Before I could ask him anythig he said, “You can spank me Mama, I know I did wrong.”
I looked up at him and frowned. “Who told you that looking at this was wrong?” I asked him.
He seemed confused.
I sighed. I really didn’t know what to do but tell him how I really feel.
“Look,” I said and he sat down next to me. I held him in my arms and squeezed him tight. “There’s nothing really wrong with looking at those naked pictures. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re just curious. The only thing is when you focus too much on that and get distracted from having all the fun you can have as a child. Believe me, before it’s over you’re gonna get PLENTY of opportunities to see naked ladies and to have sex and all that. It’s gonna be more than you can imagine but that time is not now. I’ve been there. Focus on having fun now. All that will come later. Believe me.”
He gave me a hug and we watched TV.
I really don’t believe in demonizing any behaviour that’s not physically harmful. I mean, if you put something in a child’s mind as “off limits” it’s in their nature to test those limits. They tend to gravitate toward what people say isnt good because they want to test it for themselves. If you tell someone DONT SMOKE, the image that flashes in their mind is of them smoking. The “don’t” is too quiet.
So I’d rather focus on what I want instead of what I don’t want.
I just took a little break from writing this to go over to my professional twitter page and write some crap. I’m over twitter. It bores me for real. Now I have my old one back up and my new one and I barely write on either. 
You know what? Damn…I have more going on now simply because I do so much with DEEP that I’m not just laying around the house on the phone twittering. Maybe that’s what it is.
It’s good to have a friend, but what I’d really like to experience is what I have with him and then have that be with someone on a sexually intimate level as well as emotionally. 
DEEP and I vibe as like… and sister, I promise. I never laugh so hard as I do when I’m with him. I never feel so awake and energized and frustrated and upset and annoyed and happy as when we’re together. If I’m not with him, I’m on the phone with him. We can argue and argue and he can say some stupid shit and now…WHEN I’m having the argument with him, it doesn’t bother me as much because, I know we’ll still talk to each other later. 
There used to be a fear that this was the last argument before me and a man threw each other away. Or more like..before I threw the guys away.
I try to throw DEEP away all the time still. It’s not as blatant as before. I can not find a reason to stop talking to him. My yearning for excommunicating him is becoming dull. He says that he thinks I get a high, or a rush from dumping men. I think so too. My body is aching for some fresh meat to release my aggression on. I realize that is what I’ve been doing. I usually open my eyes to men a few times a year when I want to have sex. I choose one and then dump him immediately afterwards and ask him to never call me again. I won’t give him a chance to get to know me or especially a chance to hurt me. It’s fear really. I still operate in fear sometimes.
Since DEEP and I started out as friends I missed the part where I want him to like me. I wasn’t paying him any attention because he was annoying yet for some reason I still loved talking to his ass. I still do.
I don’t know man….I want him to go away and have even prayed for it yet if I don’t see him I get sad. When I see him again, I feel better.
He teases me incessantly. This morning he picked me up from work and when we got back to my place he kept me up for more than an hour being an asshole and torturing me by making some stupid noises that he knows annoys me. He would not stop. I really almost hit him. I wanted him to get the hell out. I was pissed!
“Shut up!” I screamed. “I’m tired. I was at work all night. YOU were at the club!”
“So?” he replied. “I was still up.”
“I hate you,” I said as we settled in after he stopped being an ass.
“Sweet dreams,” He responded and shifted on his blanket on the floor.
I’m sitting there staring at the back of his dreads and thinking, “What the hell is he doing here? Why hasn’t he left out of my life yet?”
I am not used to this. Men stay in my life for a limited time only. If I didn’t have sons, I would make that an absolute statement. 
Man…I feel so good. It’s late but…I feel good. Had a GREAT weekend at work even though it was slow I still met some cool people and we all had good attitudes so we joked all night.
The girl at work who be stealing all the time finally got fired. I must be about to win the lotto because I never would have thought this time would come. It’s like someone saying we have a Black president….Wow. That happened too. I guess I have so much more MIRACULOUS things happening!
I think we’re living in an age of NO LIMITS!
LOL! I was on some other shit tonite…excuse me. 


Oh my gosh. Boy I tell you. I never learn. I’m new in this industry right, so I’m not as star struck as a lot of people because it was not something I idolized. Man..I really need to step outside of my box socially. I still freak out when I’m in large crowds. My arms get jittery and my energy is throwed off.

But tonight I just took a walk and breathed and it calmed down. I was able to get my interview and go home.
Chugging along in school… Laughable. But still trying. I’m feeling so grateful for life right now.
These things are all TRUE!
I am so happy and grateful now that… 
My sister got her own apartment in Broward and it’s so cute. She just got a new car too. ANd everytime I see her she looks better and better!
Anna is blowing my mind after changing her mentality about renting, she is now a homeowner! Yay! I can’t wait to go see!
Kim is PREGNANT! Hell naw! LOL! This is gonna be one dramatic ride! Kim just got married iN December and now she’s a Mommy to be! Wow. The world moves so fast!
My Baby Daddy had his little girl last week or so. Wow.
I went to my cousin’s house tonite and it was so beautiful! I was so proud of her because her last place was supersmall, but it was nice. Now this one is 3x’s the size and its so CLEAN! So happy and proud of her!
I got my haircut. I chopped that afro off and I’ve been feeling like a QUEEN ever since! I dont care what nobody say— bald headed bitches turn heads too! I love my haircut!
I am still in school. I’m trying….
I had a great audition the other day. Even though the show was canceled, the casting director told me I did a great job AND the best part is… I fell in LOVE with the audition process! That process was exhilarating and exciting and I am sooo good at doing it! I LOVE IT! ~sigh~
I kinda like…love my life right now.

Moving Along

I feel so good right now.

I know I haven’t been updating and I realize that I used to use my blog as my main companion and now I actually have a real person in my life to share with. When I’m talking to him, I don’t think about blogging at all. I’m sorry.

I kinda miss telling stories though. But I’m for real….you do NOT wanna hear the crazy ass emotional ass ride that I’ve been going on with DEEP. And it’s all in my head. I make the situation stressful because there are certain things I expect a man to do and DEEP is like, “We’re friends. Stop placing your expectations on me. Kill your desires.”

Our relationship has changed so much. I feel so crazy even writing about this because I hope that one day I won’t have to log on to my blog and go skimming through the archives and say, “Wow, remember that guy DEEP I used to do everything with?”

I’m not afraid of losing him. I am used to overcoming a loss. That’s not the issue, the issue is what will I do with him if he stays. I am not used to having a male companion that I am attracted to. does that work? If he leaves, I’ll be relieved because I sometimes believe that I secretly want to prove to myself that I am unloveable. But it’s hard when you have someone who enjoys your company and won’t walk away and he wants to be your friend but you are attracted to him and want a certain kind of attenion…

I mean, you spend so much time together that there’s no way you could even date anyone else. You feel like you’re brother and sister and argue like siblings. You’re a pair. You’re the first one the other person calls with ANY news…You’ve stood outside the door of the bathroom talking while the other person is using it. Shared a bath towel. And then there’s that time you accidently sleep together. And wake up like…Whoa…

I know…. I got mad at him because he told some girl he met on twitter that she was beautiful. Man…I flipped for real on his ass. So emotional. I feel sorry for that man. He handled it well though. So now we’re not even following each other on twitter. I blocked his ass cuz I don’t wanna see that flirting shit! I am so jealous and I don’t know why and that is NOT me.

But we’re still friends on facebook.

I know this post is long and mainly about DEEP but I’m sorry, I just write what’s on my mind and usually…it’s him intermingled with my daily activities.

I ain’t saying we are together in the romantic sense but I like what we have. Today I decided not to focus on him as a person so much and try to focus on the qualities I like about him.

If I constantly remind myself WHY I like him, it will attract more people with those qualities. I would love to experience the next phase AFTER what DEEP and I have experienced together. I would love to meet someone like him or BETTER to go deeper with.

I am fearful when I spend too much time with him. He has gotten to see ALL of me. The ME that nobody, not even my kids get to see. And he still sitting right there. I keep waiting for him to get disgusted and walk away. He fights for our friendship, literally battles with me when I tell him to leave me alone because I’m too scared to stay friends with him.

Our relationship has changed so much. I’ve never gotten this far with any man before. Wait…my Baby Daddy. Oh yeah. But honestly, we broke up in 2001 for the last time and I don’t really remember our relationship like that. Like, I have memories of stuff we did but they hold no emotion attached to them. I don’t feel any kind of way about him anymore. Not good or bad- just indifferent.

I actually got to see him the other day. I dropped off the boys to their new house and he was standing outside. I looked him up and down just curious to see what he looks like now.

He looks the same. Black as ever. He is doing this goatee type thing with his beard and I like it. I think he looks handsome. I laughed as I watched him standing there. Was I really WITH this man? For real? Wow. We used to have a life together. It seems like a dream.

I’m so different than I was when I was with him. I have gone through so many fears. I developed most of them when I was with him, but I have overcome so many.

Man…I’m rambling but I needed this because I haven’t really had internet at my house for WEEKS. I Was struggling with my internet fix.

Aww…You know what my sons did the other night? After they took showers I rubbed them both down with lotion and then my sons gave ME a back massage. It felt so nice. Those little hands were just chopping and squeezing away. That made me feel good.

And then…my son saw a dress that he’d never seen before.

“Mommy, try this on.”

I laughed. “Why baby?”

“I wanna see you in it.”

I put the dress on and he stood behind me to zip me up. After he did he said, “You should wear this today. You look good Mama.”


My baby made me feel so good!

“Wow!” I said, “You guys make me feel like I’m so pretty!”

“That’s because you are,” my son told me.


I wish I could get this kind of treatment all the time!

Word Association

Too bad…

I feel horrible today. Yesterday I developed a sore throat and a body ache and I’m tired. Me and DEEP had a wonderful time on the phone last night. We were talking about random junk when he said, “Ms. Tee?”

“Hmm?” I replied.

“Penis,” He stated.




“Pussy,” He said.







We went for more than an hour straight of WORD ASSOCIATION! No other convo, just what word first pops up after you hear the last word. OVER AN HOUR of this…just laughing and then playing this silly game. When I said “Sleep” he was like, “I think that’s the end of the game, Tee.”

But we still talked for like 15 more minutes and finally hung up.

I love talking to him. I think I’m, just gonna enjoy what it is cuz it’s beautiful to me. And he is. And I’m glad I made a friend.

The weather is very bad here. Well, its rainy. Last time it looked like this, my show was canceled. I hope I know the status BEFORE I drive all the way to South Beach this afternoon. Plus, my 2nd semester of summer school starts today. Ughh…

The Word for today is: Vitamin C

Under The Weather

I’m sick.

It just happened two days ago. I was fine until I dropped DEEP off to his appointment and when I got home my throat was hurting. Then it got worse. Then my body started to ache. Then I started feeling like ugh all over.

So that’s me- laying on my futon all day coughing and shivering. Reminds me of the time I had that UTI. Or the times when I got pregnant back in the day. I hope it goes away soon. I already missed the first day of classes and my show was canceled. But its probably a good thing, I need new tires anyway and I shouldn’t be driving to South Beach with my car like that.

I can barely breathe. Maybe I’ve been smoking too much. I really want to treat my body better but it seems like its more expensive to eat healthier and I’m always on a gas station food and dollar value menu diet. Or I just don’t eat at all trying to save the money for my kids when they come.

WHo the hell ever thought life would be this way?

My birthday is in one week and since I desperately need tires, I probably won’t be able to celebrate or see my kids. Plus…I have to move by next week too. With what money? I don’t know. It’s time to go though.

I had an interesting conversation with Yolanda yesterday. SHe lost her signal just as it was getting really good. When I look back at her life and the things she has gone through and how things worked out so well for her, I feel better about my own life direction and I know I’ll be okay. She has 5 kids and lost everything at one point and spent years rebuilding now she has a family, a family business and a husband who really supports her. One of the questions she asked was, “What is success really? Are we defining it for ourselves or are we allowing others to define it for us?”

Success for me would be to be able to take good care of myself and my sons as a result of my creative work. I don’t know how that will happen. I guess I’ll start working on my 2nd book, keep going with my show and I really want to do a blogtalk radio show about Black Love Stories. It encourages me to hear them and I’m sure other singles could learn a lot by listening to positive stories. I just need to figure out where I’m going to live next, get settled and start working on my projects again. I need to manifest a miracle by my birthday.

Let’s see what happens.

He Just…Died On Us

I walked into class yesterday, I missed the first day of class because I got sick really quickly and was bed-ridden for 2 days. I only ate soup once and drank 2 bottles of water. It was rough.

Then I got a call from a new guyfriend who offered to be nice to me and take care of me while I was sick. I called Tamara to see what she thought about it and she said, “sure go ahead.”

So I went over there and….

He was nothing but a gentleman. In fact, he treated me better than most men. He was so affectionate that I melted in his arms. My body was sore and he rubbed my back for me. All the while telling me how beautiful I am. I needed that.

But still…

I don’t trust his ass. I’m sure he’s plotting on me. The nicer I am to him, the more he’s gonna hate me and try to hurt me. I see it all the time. These hoes be straight murdering men’s spirits and then men fall in love with that. Happens all the time. But I don’t wanna be like that. I wanna make my man feel like a King and I wanna serve him. For real.

Anyway…I’m looking at him cross eyed because he’s already talking about how much he likes me and wants all of me. Yeah right. His plan will be unfoiled soon. I don’t even have to worry about it.

But it sure did feel so good to be held…

Yeah but I went to class and this girl walks in and says, “Michael Jackson died”

I said, “That’s not even funny.”

My professor made a call and confirmed it. He offered a 5 minute break before beginning the 3 and a half hour lecture. I made it through but by the time I left class I was feeling so sad and nauseaus and just…out of it. I made it to the gas station on West Dixie before I pulled over and started crying. Some random man came over to me and I wanted to punch him. I’m sure he wanted to pretend to be nice so he could hurt me too.

Men…they’re everywhere and they come out of the floors and ceilings like roaches, ready to pounce and devour. In my heart I want to be nice to them and help them with their goals and treat them like Kings and..usually I do. But…I always feel a ping in my heart like I’m being used and I throw them away shortly after before they can use me again.

But back to Michael…

He’s gone. But not really. No one alive will ever forget him. He made history for real. And…I just don’t believe that we really dissappear when we die. I think we change forms. I’m sure there will be another artist to come along and help continue the transition of music in a grand way.

Speaking of…why was I listening to the radio today and I heard some dude who sounded JUST Like Kanye…but it wasn’t him? I was upset.

That affection from that man sure felt good. I’d like some more but from someone I can trust to care about me. I hope I never see that guy again.

Negative Energies In the Morning

I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night although that is what I wanted to do. Instead, I hummed myself to sleep.

You know what? Tall people really intrigue me. Like…how does it feel to have long legs like that? How does it feel to look at the top of people’s heads all the time? Must be wild.
I use this blog as an emotional depository. Anytime I’m feeling uncertain or unsure or extremely hopeful or any intense emotion, I log on and write in here. And I’m usually so honest because when I’m writing it doesn’t occur to me that anyone will be reading it.
I know I sound like a baby when I say this but…I really need a hug.
I need to know someone in my physical world cares about what’s going on in my life. DEEP is upset with me because I was feeling down. He says I have no reason to feel like that. He’s NEVER down. I don’t know how he does it, but that’s how he is. I don’t think he has a reason to be and he says I have no reason to be down either. He’s always dissappointed in me which adds to my dissappointment in myself.
My internet connection at home is not working so I’m at Panera’s trying to look for places to live. The food looks so good. Wish I could have some. I’ve been running the streets using all of my gas for the past 3 days doing it with no luck. I’m having problems breathing again. Sometimes I wish that shit would just stop so I can go home…wherever that is.
I bought this book by Doreen Virtue called Earth ANgels and I read it quickly. It describes how there are certain people on earth who are actualy from other planets and that is why they do not fit in here. At first I laughed at the book because it seemed obvious to my existentialist based mind that we are always searching for a reason to validate our feelings.
I took the quiz and it told me I was a Star person- a being from another planet who was sent to earth for a purpose but can not fully function in this life because of it. Then I began to read and felt sad for myself, wondering, could I really be an alien from another planet? Although that sounds ridiculous to the socialized mind, there are actually entire philosophies based around this idea.
There’s a group of people called Nuwabian (sp?) who believe in aliens. I don’t know. I just have fun learning about it all and laughing when I find a belief that I have never heard of before.
I wonder what it’s like for people who are not like me. People who know how to manipulate others, know how to smile and fake it, people who know how to play the game. What’s it like?
And I wonder if I will ever gain the tools necessary to be a success in this world. EMotionally…I don’t think I have it together.
Could this be a part of the pressure I feel about turning 30 next week? I’m trying to be positive and focus on what I do have…what I’ve accomplished so far and what I have to look forward to but…
Yeah..I know. I suck. What a great motivational speaker I’m turning out to be…. Cant even uplift myself everyday, but as soon as my phone rings, I’ll have the perfect words to soothe the soul.
If I were God, I would pick me up and beat me for days showing me every good thing I ever wanted and telling my why I couldn’t have it. I AM God…and that is what I experience everyday. I do it to myself because I believe I deserve that somehow. I attach myself to men who only belittle me and tell me how I need to change. I give myself to people who would never give back to me. I torture myself by listening to stories from friends about how happy and blessed they are. I celebrate with them and then I cry to myself later wondering how I could come into existence to be hurt.
But I remember one of my notes from the universe and it said, “You are not on earth to master being alone, or master poverty or pain. You were put here to live!”
I could stress myself today about all the areas that I need to improve in…but I won’t. I think I’m just…not going to do anything at all. I’m going to find a quiet place, buy a burger and sit there all day. Doing nothing about my problems and not even focusing on them. I’m gonna let it all go. ANd even if I turn 30 and everything is still the same as today…I still have to move on and breathe and live somehow. Unless I get to die soon, I still have to function in this world.
I’ll figure it out.