Stepping Into 30

It’s the 4th of July. It’s hot and rainy here in Miami.

I’m chillin at my Mama’s house eating bbq ribs and watching TV. hmmm…
My birthday was a crazy day. The night before I moved into my new place. This time I’m in North Miami Beach and it’s exactly like my old place except internet is not included. I live with a Spanish family…again. As I sat outside late at night I promised myself that when I have my own big, beautiful home, I would always set aside a room for someone in need. I think I’ll charge them rent, but only to use as a savings account for them and when they leave they can have all of their money back.
I got over 100 Happy Birthday wishes on my facebook and that made my day! I ended the day at my Mama’s house watching TV with her and then I went home.
There’s a new guy in my life who is supersweet to me but as usual I’m looking HARD to find something to complain about but I can’t. He says all the things that I always wanted to hear but I still don’t believe him.
Tamara said, “I knew it. I knew this guy wouldn’t last long because he treats you too good.”
That hurt my feelings.
“You are only attracted to people who hurt you,” Tamara continued.
That stung even more.
I don’t know.
I’m 30 now. I can not imagine what this decade will bring.
Here are a couple of my hopes…
**Join the staff of a website or a magazine with a PAID writing position.

**Publish a few books.

**Go on tour with my motivational speaking.

**Establish myself as financially secure.

**Experience a loving, healthy romantic relationship.

**Become a highly sought after television host and reporter.

Saturn Return Reflections


Life surely is a trip. I’ve experienced things in this past week that let me know that I am truly passing through my own Saturn Return. It’s a time when those people/things that are not good for you, are stripped away and you are redirected…according to astrology.
I was surprised and annoyed when my own bestfriend Tamara experienced depression in the months leading up to her 30th birthday. She expressed fear of death and fears about life and not being where she wanted to be. She longed for a soulmate and even fasted in order to call him into her life.
When my turn came to turn 30, I went through the same shit. I don’t fear death at all, but I began to assess where I had grown and IF I would ever grow past the issues that had been haunting me since childhood. I studied my relationships with the men in my life and I realized that my closest relationship was not good for me although it appeared to be on the surface.
That relationship began transitioning on its own with a little help from a consistent prayer that those who are tied to me will find a replacement if they are not adding anything positive to MY life. I developed a healthier appreciation for my life long friends and a couple of old friends resurfaced to show me love once again.
Everything has been shaken loose and once again I face a time in my life where I have no idea what will happen next. For some reason, this doesnt scare me at all. I embrace it, knowing that there are treasures that will be unconvered beyond every season of transition.
I’m 30. I’ve done a lot but theres so much more to experience- So many new people to meet and learn from!
I look forward to interacting with people who are closer to my age group and experience level. I look forward to developing the skillset to accomplish my goals. I used to think something was seriously wrong with me, now I don’t. I just haven’t found my place in this world yet. Its okay.
I used to desire world wide adoration, fame and fortune. Now all of that isn’t so important. my vision is back to the way it was when I was a jit; I would like to be a writer, a self help writer and counselor and travel and give seminars. I don’t need to be on Oprah’s level.
I now let GOOOOOO of my 20’s and all the madness/strength that resulted from it. I don’t run from it, I smile because of it. All that stuff was WILD but I don’t regret a thing that happened.
I am so in love with my progress and my life has been well lived…so far.
It’s all good.
I hope it stays that way.

Still Moving

I have NOT been neglecting my internet duties. I feel like I’ve been on punishment cuz I have not had a stable internet connection in over a month. I’m at school now about to head to class.

I have so much that is going on right now. I lost my job at Denny’s cuz I cursed out the manager for accusing me of stealing AGAIN. So I have been everyday getting up looking for more restaurant jobs but haven’t gotten hired yet.

I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and you can never really LOSE something unless its time for you to receive more. I’m open to receiving more but when I look around me…I can’t see how the hell that could happen.

The crazy thing is…

I’m experiencing the best case scenario of KARMA that I can remember in a LONG time. It’s this guy I’ve been vibing…

Dude… Like..For real…this man reminds me of me so much in the way that he takes care of me. Like, I don’t have to THINK, he thinks for me. Like, he anticipates my needs in a way that no man has ever done. He treats me like I treat other people.

If I were to sit here and write out all that I’ve experienced you’d probably be like, “So what” But believe ME- I do NOT get treatment like that from men at all.

When I’m with this man, I feel like I’m a part of a team. He tells me I’m beautiful. He cooks for me. I have been sleeping at his place because he doesn’t like the fact that I don’t have a bed at mine. And get this…when I sleep over, he sleeps on the couch. He’s not even trying to fuck. He just likes being around me.

I get no complaints at all. I’m not too this or too that. I don’t know how to take all of this. I don’t have fears about him because I’m not emotionally attached to him, but I do wish I could do more to thank him for being there for me. He rides with me to look for jobs and when I needed a place to live he went with me to do that and he makes sure I have everything I need at all times.

Support…Just like my friends do. So grateful.

And…now that my lil money from Denny’s is gone..he breaks me off so I can have gas and money in my pocket. He works 2 jobs so he can do that for me. I feel like…like..damn.

You mean to tell me it’s not all about YOUR goals and YOUR issues? Like…if I need something you will make effort to help me get it? What? A man? Serious? That has NEVER happened. I always feel like I’m doing way more than any guy I have been friends with. I never say no when asked for help…but him…he never says no to me. In fact, I don’t even have to ask because he just takes care of it all. It’s so much fun doing for someone who reciprocates. I wonder how long this will last.

All I know is…because of him, I look at my past and I’m like, “Naw…I got it all wrong. What was I thinking?”

But the thing I realize is, all of my past relationships, including the one with DEEP helped me to appreciate all that he does for me. His pleasure is making sure I’m satisfied.

Shit…That’s my pleasure too! LOL!

Man…I gotta head to class right now. Studying psychopathology this semester which means I’m learning how to diagnose clients with mental illnesses and label them according to the DSM-IV. It’s scary because I see so much of myself in those mental illnesses…but my classmates said, “You’re not alone. We see ourselves too.”


Must Be An Angel

Can a chick get a break? My life is turning upside down and inside out and you won’t believe the choices I’ve been making.

No time to blog because I have mucho tarea to do.
Please….send prayers and positivity my way. I was so down today, I had to ask God, “What am I doing wrong? Why am I here? Will I ever get it right?”
Then an angel showed up…and I cried and felt better.
Details soon.

So Today…

Lord send a revival. I’m freezing cold, sitting in Denny’s using the internet. I had a really cool nite at this showcase put on by these really cool girls called The Chunky.Chi.ckz you can join their world by clicking here. They’re beautiful and just…cool as hell.

I’ve been pounding the pavement looking for jobs and still trying to cultivate more exposure from the platforms I already have. My show is on hiatus until I finish this semester, which ends in another 2 weeks. I’m on my way and I can see it and I’m scared but I’m trying not to be.
And then my guyfriend…well..I don’t know what to say about him. He’s still the best dude I’ve ever met and I can’t believe I found him…at the same time, I think its best if we stay friends because anything else would be too much. We are so different. The thing that bonds us is our love for serving others and we both have big dreams and big mouths. He treats me so well! He’s so thoughtful. He deserves a gold star for that game…I’m glad I met him.
Tamara’s doing okay. I don’t want to mention any of her messy drama right now though…LOL! She’ll kill me if I do.
Kim’s still pregnant. She says she is tiieeddd! LOL! She is not even in her 2nd trimester and already wildin out!
Anna is poised to move into her new house in 2 weeks. She’s HAPPY!
My sister started school to become a CNA, Phelbotomist or something like that, but she’s happy. Her man is in mechanic school too. Moving on up!
Sylvia is in full swing in nursing school and she’s a perfectionist she HAS to make straight A’s.
And for me…trudging along trying to get my masters in marriage & family counseling. ~sigh~ And trying to live…and eat…and pay child support….and keep sane.
Cross your fingers for me….

A New Beginning

I’m working again.

I interviewed on Wednesday and started on Thursday. This time I’m a server at Red Lobster. What an upgrade from Denny’s but still..there’s so much more to learn.
I have to learn a new menu, learn about all the wines and then learn how to serve customers who aren’t drunk and horny. Man! That’s how I made most of my tips at Denny’s serving the after the club crowd. ~sigh~ I miss it.
Other than that, I’m still trying to keep up with school and trying to move forward with my writing. My guyfriend is still around and I’m trying not to run away from him. He makes it easy because he doesn’t get emotional with me when I get emotional but….at the same time, I feel like he’s just gonna be another story to tell in the past tense one day.
Last week I was able to pick up my sons and take them to a hotel and spend some great quality time with them. We had so much fun!
I’m trying to beat the blues but without my internet fix on a daily basis, I’m struggling as I look around me and wonder what the hell is going on in my world. LOL!
Yeah, I can laugh at it now but on the real….I’m tired of stirring so many pots on the stove and not getting any replenishment in return.
Hope this week is better than the last!