All These Men
What have I been doing since my vacation began?
Writing, taking afternoon naps and then writing some more. I feel more energized and it’s only been a day or so. I do feel kinda guilty about leaving all that work behind at my old job. There’s a part of me that feels like I let them down, but I have to force myself to understand that their needs are not more important than mine. I didn’t feel like I was appreciated. I actually felt like their little Black servant.
Today I got a call from an old friend from Gainesville who asked me if I would stop writing on my blog because I was getting so much writing work. Of course not.
Blogging is not really writing to me.
Blogging is like emailing back and forth with my friends about what’s going on in my life. It is literally effortless and I’m never at a loss for things to write about since everyday is a story to me.
Today I came face to face with a part of myself that I know I need to work on. My attitude. I can be such a bitch sometimes. I have this problem where I take things wayyyy out of context and put them in a negative light. Well, mainly from men. It’s not a good time to be a man and in my life. Hmm, I don’t think it’s been a good time to be a man and in my life for the past 5 years.
I hate that I’m like that. A simple statement could be turned around in my head because I’m always on the defensive.
I was at my Mama’s house this evening and my Stepfather was fixing food for my sons. I guess he made it just the way they like it because he turned to me and said, “See, I know your sons better than you do.”
I gave him one LOOK, like NIGGA PLEASE!
Then he gets upset and tells me that I always take things too far and that he didn’t mean any harm by what he said. I back down a bit because it’s true. I think I expect men to try to put me down so any statement they make is an insult to me and I jump back with venom because I want to put them in their place quickly.
I recently started chatting with my ex. THE EX. Of the first love variety. He’s doing well. It’s funny that after all this time I still have love for him though it’s more of a brotherly love than anything else. Hearing his voice brought back too many memories and I just had to laugh. We were such KIDS trying to act all grown up and in love.
But it sure felt real back then.
He mentioned to me that it hurt him when he found out that I was pregnant from my THE MONSTER. I shook my head when he said that. Join the club. I think he’s the 3rd man to tell me that. I don’t know what kind of drugs I was on or what. It seems that so many men were head over heels for me while I was with THE MONSTER. But I didn’t see any of them, only HIM and his ashy fingers. Love is soooo blind.
Where am I concerning romance these days?
Absolutely nowhere. I did meet someone a few weeks ago that was very nice to me. We hung out and had great ‘conversation’. He even helped me clean my house. So you know what I had to do right? Yep, I had to stop speaking to his ass.
I can’t even risk the chance of liking someone right now.
My horoscope said: A chance for love is right around the corner. Don’t be afraid. If you open up true love could bloom. (Or some crap like that.) That confirmed it, I DEFINITELY (Spelled it right,TRINA!!!) had to stop contact with him. I ain’t in the mood for that. I’m not used to guys being nice to me. That is some freaky mess. I’m looking at him like, What do you REALLY want?
Even the thought makes me want to vomit. I’m so glad I’m busy and I rarely think about guys like that anymore. I’m so filled with my vision it satisfies me. I’m so enamored by writing, it turns me on.
My writing turns me on. Today I had to sit back and literally PRAISE GOD for the gift because I honestly enjoy my writing. If no one else does, it pleases ME. That is very satisfying.
Oh gosh. This past Sunday I went to church. Yep. I sure did. My sons were sooo antsy I spent most of the service trying to get them to sit still. But I expected a WORD from God and I got one.
The WORD was on time but not something I wanted to hear.
The Pastor was actually preaching about creative people and how they want their voice to be heard, how they want to be free to create and grow but first they need to SUBMIT, be trained and THEN they can be released to go out and do what they do.
I shook my head sadly. I knew all of this in my heart. But I didn’t want to admit it.
If I ever want to truly walk in the fullness of my calling and my gift I have to submit to a Pastor. For those of you who don’t know what submit means it basically means go under the guidance of. Full submission means that the person who you are under submission to takes full responsibilty for you and giving you direction, therefore you should be patient, learn from them and follow their advice.
I’m no stranger to submission. I did it when I was in Gainesville but I didn’t walk away feeling good about it in the end. In the end I didn’t submit because I wanted to leave and come to Miami and my Pastor did not bless it and I left anyway.
It was annoying always hearing No, you can’t do this and No, you can’t do that. Just sit and wait and learn. I wanted to go out and DO! I wanted to use my gift. But patience is the key and if you TRUST someone enough to submit to them you should trust their heart and their judgement. But in the end, staying in Gainesville didn’t feel right.
And the funny thing is, now my old Pastor has left that church and has informed me that he is moving down here to the Miami area. Yep.
Yep. He’s coming.
I love him. I still love him. I’m just afraid that I’ll be in the same place I was back at my old church where I felt like I had to prove my spiritual growth to him. That was not a good place to be in.
Aww man, I’m procrastinating. I have these artist bios to do and I’m not feeling it right now but I have a deadline. THIS, my friends, is WORK.
Let me get to it.