Still A Dramatic Life

Wow.. It’s been a minute, right?

I don’t even remember what I wrote the last time but I’m here..alive… the midst of yet another transition. If there are any readers left…sorry…I went through a hell of a year so far..internally…delving into my inner most being and figuring a lot of wild shit out…

First of all…the big thing that I had never done before…i started dating women..and while It was cool and all…I don’t think that is for me. I mean…I guess I give up easily but I don’t really care to put in the effort it would take to maintain a relationship romantically with anyone. That’s my thing. Its been my thing for years and I would think I was wrong and try to change and fix it but really…its ME.

I don’t want a long term relationship. Why can’t I just be…cool with that? Maybe cuz everyone is telling me I need to fix this and that about myself and the focus on trying to change my instinct (which tells me to be single right now) and try to gain what others feel would be best for me; a love relationship.

Well..maybe it’s not the best thing for me…If it were…wouldn’t I have allowed it into my life already? Or maybe…if the person who i was supposed to engage in said relationship were in my life…wouldn’t I feel comfortable enough to let them in? That is…if you believe in predestination..

Aww..I miss blogging here. here I can talk to myself out loud without worrying about anything at all…or caring..its like peeing….



I think I’m gonna pee some more tonight…as I try to get back in the swing of things of writing here…

My life has NOT stopped being so dramatic but the only thing is…I handle things differently…

Recording My Evolution

As you can see…I have really been focusing on developing my youtube channel…

I did a great job with the writing on this blog…I think..but I wanted to attract a new audience and really put my face behind the transparent thoughts and evolution you’d find on Share My World.

Those videos are more advice oriented than just “whats going on with Ms. Tee” but a little segment I do called i.GossipMe is like video blog posts so you might enjoy my rambling.

Most days I just turn on the cam and just let whatever is on my mind…right on out.
With the other videos..I allow my life to inspire the content. When I faced a really big disappointment…I encouraged myself and made a video called Handling Disappointment with Grace.
When I felt like I was a complete failure I made a video called Holding On When You’re At The End of Your Rope. I make the videos on my youtube channel because they are videos that I need to listen to. Turns out others need the same thing so I’m happy.
I’ve been blogging on this lesbian website while I was trying to figure out my lesbian tendencies… So far I’ve concluded that…I can’t be with a girl in a relationship they’re too much trouble and I’m not patient enough…so my attraction to them has wained… I don’t get all excited when I see a cute stud like I used to. That tough exterior has nothing to do with the type of person I need in my life. Most of the studs are still soft as hell, they’re still girls.
And anyway..I realized that a STUD is not really what I was interested in. I like the boyish girls. The tomboys. The girls who LOOK LIKE GIRLS and act like GIRLS and are pretty like girls..but mostly wear boy clothes. Not the girls who act like men all the time and carry their strap with them at all times. Soft studs is what they label them..but I don’t like labels.
I no longer run to gay clubs in hopes of a glimpse of a stud…but damn…they’re so damn fine….I still havent had a real one. Well..I had one..but she explained to me that she isn’t a stud at all…because she wears panties and studs don’t. Whatever…our personalities were mismatched. She’s supposed to be the stud and she was way more sweet and nice than I am. I’m more direct. She likes to bullshit… like..
I’m going to the store and I ask her, “Do you want anything?’
“No,” she replies coyly. “I mean..i did want a… But never mind.”
“What did you want?”
“Oh.. A slurpee. But I know you don’t have much money..”
“Do you want one or not?” I ask her. “If you say NO..I won’t buy one.”
“No…” she says and smiles at me.
I go to the store and get my chocolate snack and then as I’m leaving I’m thinking… Should I teach her a lesson on asking for what she wants or should I just get the damn drink? I call Tamara to ask her opinion… She says I should buy it. Ughh…girls..
Ofcourse the girl is happy when I give it to her…but I’m annoyed because I don’t like shit like that… Ugh….SAY WHAT YOU WANT! Damn…why do I have to guess? ~rolls eyes~
I don’t see how men put up with that shit on a regular basis…

A Nice Day…

My goodness…

You KNOW I used to be so dramatic when changes were happening…acting all tragic and stuff like the world was about to end..but really…
as I grew up…I learned that…everything always works out for me…so why should I stress over it now?
I have this new rule: If what I’m going through won’t matter in 10 years then I won’t worry about it now…
Easy enough…
So…if my car isn’t working properly…guess what? Fuck it… Won’t matter in 10 years anyway…
My haircut is bad… Fuck it… Won’t matter in 10 years anyway…
Anyway…today was kinda nice… I did laundry…got some good news and…a guyfriend…and I mean that loosely cuz every so often he gets on my nerves and i stop speaking to him.
Well…anyway…my guyfriend offered to cook for me today…so we sat by the pool and vibed out and then he cooked seafood for me and then he gave me chocolate icecream for dessert and now we’re watching Avatar.

Today was kinda nice….
Yes…it was….

Things Always Come Together

So…my trip is two days away…

I won’t give away where I’ll end up just yet but…I chose a city I’ve never been to…just for adventurous purposes. I’m not making enough money here to take care of myself so I got a letter from my landlord asking me to leave. No biggie…Everything is direction so I asked my job to transfer me to another city so I can work and stay with a friend until school starts again.

The mysterious part was… How will I get the money to drive there?

But I just trusted in the Universe and decided that if this trip was divine then I’ll be able to go.

So…after I decided that I made up my mind NOT to hoarde what little money I have…so i bought myself some food and just trusted that everything will work out…

Later that same night I was online doing my usual thing. See…I do counseling online for whoever needs it. People do hit me up often for advice and to help them understand things that they can’t figure out for themselves. I always help when someone asks and I never charge a fee.

But on this particular night I was helping one client understand what his behaviour was projecting and he was so grateful that he said, “I need to pay you, you help me so much.”

And just like that…he dropped $40 into my paypal account. I was so happy!

Then today, I got a call from an older lady that I met at my restaurant. When she and her husband came in we had such a good time talking that we exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch.

She called me today asking, “Do you need to make some money?”


“Of course I do,” I replied.

An hour later I was at her condo on the beach scrubbing her bathrooms and vacuuming and straightening up for her. Turns out her cleaning lady sprained her wrist and hasn’t been there for 5 weeks and she couldn’t do any of the cleaning herself. She made me dinner and gave me dessert, a slice of cherry pie.

Then she paid me $50!

Yay! More money for my trip!

See..when you have a need and you understand that everything you need is always on your pathway…life is easy because you can trust…spend money fearlessly (as you need to) and then wait for the opportunities to fall in your lap.

My Mama always says, “I never worry about you, Tee. You always get what you want.”

This is true. Sometimes its not as easy as money falling from the sky. Sometimes I have to get dirty but it’s a fair exchange for all of my needs being met.

I need just a bit more to make it all the way there but..I do work tomorrow and I’m hoping I get tables of great tippers so I can come home…finish packing and then hit the road Friday morning. I’m only making one stop along the way…

But I’m so glad…that today happened…it increased my faith…

I’m tired…going to bed…hope you have a great night!

Stripped Naked

Oh wow…

You won’t even believe what happened today. I can only half believe it myself…
So I’m taking a trip to ease my financial situation. Going to stay with a friend for 6 weeks until school starts and work in her city which is far far away. I had faith that the money would come just when I needed it to.. and it was pouring in at the right times.
I made money last night scrubbing some ladies toilets and floors and cleaning up and I came home so tired.
I woke up smiling and went to run my errands. It’s my birth month so my tag is expired, yep, $62 to get it reknewed. That’s almost all the money I made last night. Then I went to get my car checked and the oil changed so my trip would be safe as I drove across the country. Everything was fine. Great!
Then I went in to my last day at work…the hostess sat me 3 tables and even though I could barely speak (my voice is strained) I served them with smiles. Then the hostess (well, he’s a man, but hostess sounds so much prettier) came up to me and said, “Um, Tee. Did you move your car?”
“Well, your car isn’t where you parked it. In fact, I saw a tow truck leaving and it went that way…”
I sprinted to the front of the restaurant to see a black car pulling into my parking spot and my car no where in sight.
Oh damn…
I kept my composure and only let tiny droplets of tears form in my eyes as I finished serving my tables…then I asked to take a break and I power walked out my tears to the gas station.
All I kept thinking was, “How in the world does this happen to me the day BEFORE MY TRIP?”

I mean…I put out good energy into the world. I try my best to meet everyone’s needs and to uplift them when I can. I’m a good person. I do that as a lifestyle… How the hell will I get home? What will I do? I have to move out by tomorrow. Now I have no money, no car and nowhere to live. What am I gonna do? Fuck!

Then…as quickly as the panic came…it went.
See…I don’t just TEACH people how to live a faith filled peaceful existence…it is within me. I can’t seem to maintain sadness anymore. It hits me…but it won’t stay. There’s no room for it in my joyful heart. Such a difference from how I used to be. Such a turn around.
My lil sis came to drive me to my “home” errr.. the place I need to vacate by tomorrow and she bought me dinner before dropping me off.
I walked inside and plopped on my bed, remembering how everytime I seem to be losing everything I gain so much more. I always do!
Everyone asks me, “What about your Mama. Won’t she help?”
The answer is an emphatic NO!
My Mama won’t help me…but I’m not mad at her. Because she MAKES me figure shit out I am so much more of a stronger person. I appreciate her for that. I don’t need HER or anybody in particular to catch me when I fall because my back has magic springs in it and I seem to elevate even higher.
“Things always work out for you,” My Mama says. “Things always just fall into your lap.”
And she’s right. For some reason I have this bubble of protection over me and even when I am stripped of everything, it is always replaced with more. I remember feeling so sad about losing out on something I was hoping for but just around the corner, literally HOURS later I got a call that handed me an even BIGGER AND BETTER opportunity than the one I was hoping to get!
Now my heart is bubbling over with excitement wondering what’s going to come next. I literally am floating right now..high off the excitement of my impending adventure..
Tomorrow I plan to make my load less heavy by giving away almost all of my clothes. Giving precedes receiving and if the Universe actually allowed my housing AND my car to be taken away in the same week that means something SPECTACULAR is about to happen.
I can feel it!
I don’t know what but I’m eager to find out..
Stay tuned…excellent news coming soon!

Missing My Customers

I woke up this morning and almost forgot about what happened yesterday…

My sons called me to see if I had started my trip and I told them I was having some car troubles and didn’t know if I would be able to go anymore. Then they told me about football practice and how hard it was but that they enjoyed it. I’m so excited to see their first game!
After I rubbed my eyes and drank some water my mind turned to my old job; when I was a server at Denny’s. Every time I’m out and about in Miami, I manage to run into one of my old customers from there and they hug me and tell me how much they miss me.
I miss them too.
Honestly…of all the jobs that I had…I never make friends that I keep in contact with. Well..because of facebook I get one or two stragglers who manage to stay on my friends list but for the most part by the time I leave a job I have not maintained any friendships and that’s because I don’t try to.
But at Denny’s…it was the customers that I miss the most. I think I liked that job the most because it wasn’t about being the best at the job or selling. It was really about making it through the shift. =) I worked the graveyard shift if you can remember and that meant that I would get the after the club drunk crowd and the lonely people who were often sad about their relationships gone wrong.
I miss that. I miss them. And every so often…I run into someone who remembers me from Denny’s and their eyes light up and they smile…because somehow though I didn’t even know it, I made a big difference in their lives and they appreciate it. That feels good…

The Next Day…

For me….one of the most difficult things to do is to ask for help because I hate the feeling of being told no or feeling like I’m putting someone out of their way…

Hate that..
Thank goodness I didn’t have to…
So the morning after my car was taken I woke up smiling… I spoke with my sons and my bestfriend and then I got a phone call from a co worker.
“Tee, I heard what happened and…I want to offer you some help. We have an extra room in our house. You can ride with me to work until you figure out how to get back and forth…”
I couldnt believe it but really..I’m always blessed but…I just HATE being the recipient because I feel like I should be the giver but oh well..
As I packed up my stuff my guy friend came to help me move it…I said bye bye in spirit to the racist roommate and the dirty house….
And drove back up to Hollywood and when I walked in to the new house I was amazed….it’s beautiful. Simply beautiful. Everything I could possibly need and then some and to top it all off…
A pool…huge backyard…
My own bathroom…
Just $50 a week…
I was told there was no internet but whenI turned my laptop on to listen to some of my old videos I was just chatting on the phone with this fine ass girl when I heard a sound…and i opened my eyes and the little blue ball was lit up! I jumped so quickly!
INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!! Hell yeah!
I am so blessed…
Now I just have to figure out how I will get back and forth from work…something has to give… It’s working out already…I’m sure the rest will work out…
I’m feeling a cross between blessed and embarrassed but…that’s life…

Big Things Coming

I don’t know what it is about him…

From the first time I saw him I knew he was special. It’s not like he’s so super handsome or anything…but to me he is.
It was his work ethic that first tugged at my heart. His little skinny self, flying around the restaurant putting his hands in anything that needed it. His soft countenance, eager to do what was necessary to learn and grow. I always kept quiet when he was around, observing him being so wonderful and admiring him in silence. He never noticed me.
For a long time he appeared in my dreams nightly…and we romanced each other in another realm. By day we barely appears he was really the man of my dreams..
And today after I finished moving my stuff into my new temporary home….I sat by the pool to record a new video and then I fell asleep waiting for it to convert and there he was once again…a treat for me…in my dreams.
I was at work getting ready for my shift, doing my silverware…when my manager called another server over and asked him to do my silverware for me. I was confused but I wasn’t about to argue…and then the host came up to me and said, “’re cut.” Which means I’m not taking any tables. But I hadn’t even started yet so that confused me but I didn’t have a chance to question it because a couple of girls came by, “Hi Tee. I’m so glad to see you again. We wanted to invite you to our sorority interest meeting. We’re the Delta Kappa Chapter of Sigma Gamma Rho.”
I smiled and thanked them. Then another couple came by to say hi. I had served them before but I really didn’t remember them. But they remembered me. They hugged me. Then I decided to order some food, I reached in my pocket and found some loose bills so I walked to a computer to ring my order in. I don’t remember what I chose.
As soon as I turned around there was a cheer in the store. Congratulations! You’re a winner! Good job! Good job! I peered curiously through the store as a parade of people walked in clapping with flags. They walked over to me and my curious stare turned into disbelief.
“Come on Tee! Congratulations! You’re the next contestant on “ARE YOU HAPPY?”
They pulled me onto a platform in the middle of the store and everyone stood by clapping and cheering. Then he walked over to me and we danced in front of everyone.
“It wasn’t a good thing for you to choose the red flag,” he said.
“What red flag?” I asked.
He leaned closer to whisper in my ear as we danced. “It doesn’t matter. Listen all you have to do is be happy. You’re good at it.”
I felt as though he was giving me the key to winning the competition.
“You got a lot of BIG things coming, Tee,” he whispered and squeezed my lower back with his hands. “A lot of BIG things coming, girl.”
I smiled, he released me from his embrace and I floated away to an old white dude who wanted to dance with me.
I woke up from that dream at that moment, my stomache aching for food. As I sat up wobbling I heard his voice clearly in my mind, “A lot of BIG things coming, girl.”
I smiled at the thought of him…
I hope he’s right…