The Sex Experiment

My boys and I spent the afternoon at the pool in Hialeah. They charge extra for admission if you aren’t a resident of that city but my boys enjoyed their time there. They have all kind of play areas and slides and it was PACKED just like those summer movie pool scenes. I thought that was cool.

Afterwards we were all tired so we came on home and washed up and took a quick nap before dinner and I headed to class.

~sigh~

I sometimes feel like I’m a fucking alien on this planet. Does anyone have issues besides me?

So tonight’s presentation for my Human Sexuality class was about telling the story of an experience where we were assigned to do something sexual related that would push us past our limits to expand our scope so that when we have clients we will understand how it feels to sit there and be open about sexual attitudes and problems.

We were supposed to have a group experience but my group couldn’t do it for reasons like, one man was a minister so he just couldn’t expose himself to such things and one woman was a preacher’s wife and she didn’t want to be seen in such a place.

As the first group presented they were all giddy and told the story of how their group went to a strip club together and how they were all trying to hide because they were so embarrased to be in there and so forth. The next group presented about going to a sex shop together and they too were embarrassed and uncomfortable about being in there and seeing all the toys and videos.

When our group came up to present I felt like crying. I didn’t have a “i’m so girly and I have never seen a naked video” story to tell. Going to a sex toy shop is extremely boring to me because I’ve been to so many so I ended up telling the class that the biggest breakthrough that I had while I was in the sex shop was realizing the fact that when it comes to sex, I am desensitized.

“Sex mean absolutely nothing to me,” I said, my eyes welling up with tears.

It doesn’t. I can do it with whoever and it be just as enjoyable or boring as it is with the next person. It all depends on my mood. Since I can’t remember the last time I had sex with someone that I cared about and who actually cared about me, I am unaware of the emotional intimacy that people say is supposed to accompany sex.

Do I enjoy sex? It really depends on the person I’m with. If he follows my instructions and says all the things I need him to say and plays along with my fantasies…then yeah I have fun. But if he’s like, “Sorry, I can’t do that,” like MOST men do when I ask them to do certain things during sex, I just finish the experience as quickly as possible and I do not enjoy it or go back to do it with them again.

Am I some kind of slutty whore because I view sex in this way?

I don’t know man..All I know is..these classes are wearing my poor heart out. I’m being challenged in every area of my life and it doesn’t feel good.

Will I ever be able to connect emotionally on a sexual level?

Will I ever be able to connect in intimacy with anyone?

Why does it have to be ME who has all these damn issues?

~sigh~

My affirmation for today was, “Anything is possible.”

So I guess my answer has to be..Anything is possible.

Now I have to work on truly believing that.

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