Great Vibes No Matter What

I don’t know if it’s my period about to come on, if it’s the moon cycle or if it’s Jesus but I feel like I am HEALED!

I honestly think its the classes I am taking and my professor and all the studying that I have been doing but I am infatuated by the many theories and perspectives on self love and Ive really figured some shit out like…you CAN Be happy all day every day if you want to!
For real…I even did a video about it. Watch it..

And after I did the video I felt like I could do anything in this world…
Like…I feel that IN LOVE feeling I used to feel when I felt like I was close to god. I remember this feeling…it was a feeling that someone values me and appreciates me and someone cares if I live or die and I am so important to someone and I am powerful and beautiful in their eyes.
I thought that feeling could only come through my faith in religion but I now realize that that feeling of connection and power comes through my recognition of MY OWN POWER. Not powers like Superman or whatever, but really the power of my own CHOICE to direct my perspective. to create the life I WANT.
I create misery with my imagination and all the emotions I experience while playing with my imagination. I’m living in the past, keep re-living all the pain of my childhood. I’m CHOOSING that misery because I can just as easily CHOOSE NOT to think about that shit!
I am so much more happy these days….
Everything really is…all good.

So Tired

I had a long ass day at work today. It was cool though…everyone vibing and serving and cussing out the customers under our breaths but mostly having a great time making money.

I had some really cool customers but my tips were mostly in the $10 range. I’m wondering if there’s another restaurant where tips come out to be more than this cuz I really think my service is worth more.
There;s this man at work who tells me he loves me everyday. I think hes trying to brainwash me. It’s so cute though…. he seriously makes me smile everyday.
Something strange happened to me today. I was serving at work and I stopped at one of my tables and it was 2 women and 1 man sitting across from them. I had no idea what their relationship was until the taller woman said, “Hey Tee, are you married?”
I stopped with the tray tucked under my arm. “No. But I bought this ring because I got tired of waiting for one…” I said and picked two empty glasses from the table.
“Well, theyre trying to make me get married,” the tall one explained. “ANd Im more of a elope and sign the papers kind of girl. I have no idea where to get married.”
“Hmm…what about the place where you met?” I asked. Immediately a flash in my mind- Burger King.”
They looked at each other….”BURGER KING!” she exclaimed. “We met there. We work in the corporate office!”
I’m not sure if the rest of our conversation is real or just sarcasm but I listen and reply honestly… as she says stuff like they should have whoppers at their wedding and craziness….
It’s so amazing how it all goes down. The hostess seats 4 people at my table and I have no idea what their relationship is, who they are, where they are from or why they are there. I have to ask questions and get everyone situated and then figure them out. Its like a puzzle. Then I get to ask questions and learn about their lives and their values.
Im seriously having a problem maintaining my blog…Ive been working on this ONE blog post for 3 das and you can probably tell..its TWITTER. With TWITTER I can say what I want to say succintly so…im having a hard time writing out the longer stories. This hurts me cuz I’d like to keep up my practice of writing and using literary style…
I’m sorry…I’m just so tired lately. There is lots going on and I cant even write because I’m always so tired…

Just Vibin

Hey yall. I’m here. I’m vibing and trying to figure out what comes next while doing the best i can with today. You know the weird thing is….I’m not too worried about the specific outcome or pace of my success as I used to be.

I used to rate myself as a failure because I had not achieved all that I envisioned TODAY. Now I kinda see it like a nice adventurous journey where along the way I’ll get to experience all that I have envisioned. But I gotta be sure not to continuously envision things that I FEAR happening because its not about the fear, its about the focus. Whatever you FOCUS on blooms in your life.
Last night I chatted with Curtis and I’m using his real name because he is a true friend to me and those are very hard to find. As we chatted he showed me WHY he and I are still friends and it has more to do with HIM than with me. Basically, after all I put this poor man through out of FEAR that he would start liking me and I knew I already loved him as a person, so the potential of it becoming something real was GIGANTIC. That made me go overtime in trying to push him away and he just stood the course.
Along the way, in between times where I had cussed him out and told him never to speak to me again, I learned that he is a person like me. He has issues and quirks and drama. And I learned that once I start to trust somebody…I don’t take the things they do as a personal attack anymore.
I shrieked as he flipped on his camera, sitting there naked. He quickly turned it off because he knows I don’t like that…but he does.. Thats a part of him. Thats what he does. As long as he doesnt do that IN PERSON…we good. LOL
Man…when I talk to Curtis…I try to tune everything else out. He’s so smart. Like…I learn something cool from him everytime we get to interact. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him but I catch him online every now and then and we both love the internet.
Thats my friend.
I don’t know…I’ve been so happy lately. It’s really a choice. I’m not in school this summer and I dont have financial aid when I’m not in school so I have to figure out how I’m going to live during the summer. Even with this at the forefront of my mind I’m still kinda just curious to see how this is gonna work itself out.
Tamara says I make enough money at work to pay my bills. I was like, “Nuh uh!”
“Tee, you make at least a hundred dollars a day.”
“So…you can pay your bills.”
I was confused. Damn, I make a lot of money. Where do I spend it? Oh yeah…my new video camera, my new ring, my new digital camera, tripod and my new TOOTH.
Maybe I can pay my bills for the summer. I never have to think about it because when i get my financial aid I just pay my rent up for the semester and never think of it again.
I would like more money to flow into my life….
It would be nice if it came from a generous, rich, fine ass man, who wanted a mistress to be ‘kept’. LOL Yep…that’s one of my latest fantasies.
I wonder what it’s like…

No Sadness

I have a hard time being sad.

I’m really trying to feel emotion about my brother’s unborn baby not making it but I can’t drum up the emotion. I feel happy. I think it’s because of my belief that we are all spiritual beings who CHOOSE to come to have physical experiences….maybe that spirit just wasn’t ready or didn’t think the parents were. I believe that spirit is still around..just chose not to come right now.
I’m still happy to “know” her but excited that she had the opportunity to know the answer we all forget when we’re born: Where do we come from?
I’m glad my Mama had me. I know I’m crazy sometimes and full of weirdness but I really like who I am and the life I live right now. Death does not scare me, but life does sometimes.

Feeling Good

I got off work a couple of hours ago and I came home wobbling, my legs hurting as usual. I made a cup of cereal and sat down to vibe out..and I’m JUST now getting my vibe back on track.

I feel so much pressure from school these days. When I first started out I was just in school for fun and to LEARN and I never worried about my grades. Now that I’m almost done…I’m stressing over every class wondering if I’ll pass. School isn’t fun anymore. After this semester, I’m off for the summer and then I have 3 classes in the fall before I start my internship.
I have no idea what it will be like to be in the actual office with clients who want help. I’m nervous. I’m nervous about the politics involved in working in an office; I never fit into that scene. I’m too aloof.
I swear…Tamara has me crackin up EVERYDAY about her job. She has worked in the same office for 5 years and the stories she tells about the fights, the sabotages and the corporate BS has me in TEARS and so grateful that I do not work in an office setting. I hope I never have to go back.
Anyway…I’ve been focused on finding a solution to my problem with men. Yeah…I feel you. I’m tired of reading about it too but it affects me everyday because MEN ARE EVERYWHERE.
One night when I used to have nights off, I was on the phone with Tamara and I made her go through her last 3 relationships and say 3 things she got that was POSITIVE. SHe almost choked.
Yeah I know…after a relationship ends we tend to focus on the negative ending instead of th glorious beginning and treasured middle that kept us there in the first place. I don’t know…even though I haven’t broken my cycle of breaking things off with men as soon as they touch me…I am learning quite a lot about my mentality towards relationships.
I’m scared yall. I’m in school becoming a relationship therapist and I have so many issues myself to work through. And the crazy thing is….I don’t HOPE for a relationship. I honestly can not imagine myself in one and when I TRY it scares me and makes me panic.
But anyway…talking to those dudes during my experiment taught me a lot…and even though I don’t speak to any of them anymore….I think I’ll always smile when they cross my mind.
Let’s tell a few stories…shall we?
22- We’ll call this one 22 because that is his age. Simple enough. I met him at the club. I was on Long Island #2 and I was LOOSE, dancing and having so much fun! I saw a cutie standing nearby so I went over and pulled him to me on the dancefloor. We danced and danced and I was definitely having fun with him. When he asked for my number I asked his age and immediately after his reply, I said, “Too young. Get away from me.” And I walked away.
He followed me, all the time trying to speak about the loud speakers playing music, begging for a chance to call me and show me what a young man could do. I kept walking away from him because I KNOW what young boys do…and that shit gets on my nerves. So damn infantile! Yuck!
Anyway…he was persistent so I gave him the number and we met up after the club to go get something to eat with both of our friends. Long story short…I had a GREAT time gettin to know him. We spent nearly everyday together for a week straight because we enjoyed each other’s company. I’ll never forget reciting poetry for him one night as we drove back from having drinks and him looking at me smiling. “You’re something special, you know that?” he asked and squeezed my hand.
I felt like something special that night.
So now we’ll move on to my one night stand. was supposed to be one but he called me the next day. And we talked. And we vibed. And we enjoyed each other so much I felt like I was in kindergarten. The way we interacted wasn’t what I would think a man and woman would do when spending time. We were acting like straight KIDS….playing pretend….dancing and talking about the times we got SOOOOO HIGH!
“Never…under any circumstances…EVER…are you to eat more than one weed brownie,” he cautioned.
That feeling of PLAY intermingled with sexual attraction and passion was….unforgettable. I’ll never forget him for that.
Now the next one…I met at the same club where I met 22. In fact, I met 22 right after SPECKS walked away. LOL I didnt care. Still don’t. But I spotted SPECKS checking me out and after checking him out too I decided that he was probably harmless..probably very nerdy and maybe even a bit submissive. I like those kind of men sometimes. So I went up to him and danced with him for almost the entire night.
Ummm…what can I say that I liked about him? Well…we had the same work schedule so were both up all hours of the night which means we only had each other to hang out with and we hung out a LOT. I was spending the night sometimes…but I never let him touch me. I’ll be frank here…there was absolutely no attraction whatsoever and the conversation was lacking as well.
The last one…I just stopped speaking to yesterday. He is older…40 and fine as hell! Like…if we were in highschool together I’d have a crush on him. What I love about him is the fact that he is on the same tip me with spiritually. The convos we have…OMG!
When we first met, I gave him a book and he gave me a CD. Then we met again and exchanged books…and this book is straight up CHALLENGING ME! I don’t know why he came into my life…but I believe he couldn’t make his exit without giving me that book so maybe that was his purpose.
Anyway…I’m getting sleepy but its only 2am so I probably won’t fall asleep. I feel better now that I wrote something. It’s like talking to myself…and listening.
I feel good….