I’m The One Who’s Blessed

I enjoyed spending time with my sons this weekend. We didn’t do much..lots of cuddling, lots of food and we played American Idol on the Wii. My 5 year old got mad because the lyrics on the screen were moving too fast for him to read. But I was so excited because my baby can READ!

Yay! He’s so wonderful. They both are! And handsome too..Mmmm…mmmm…Two young women are going to be so lucky in the future. The DISTANT future. ~cough~

Why are my sons so interested in secks? They always bring it up and tell me the wildest stories about finding their Dad’s stash of skin magazines and what their friends at school have to say about the topic. I always tell them, “Your body is a treasure. If you find a treasure box filled with millions of dollars and diamonds and other valuable stuff, you wouldn’t just share with anyone who walked by. You’d give it to those you love and trust, right?”


“Well, that’s how you should treat your body too. Don’t share it with just anyone. Wait until you find someone who is worthy. You have plenty of time. Everyone is going to have a chance to do it eventually.”


“Yes, everyone. There’s no rush. Just enjoy being young and having fun. It’s not a big mystery. It’s not a competition. You’ll grow up and you’ll know when it’s the right time.”

I sure wish someone had told me that when I was younger…


We went to the park before I took them back to their Dad’s house. We played “that’s my car”, swung on the tire swing and they had me climbing up the rock climbing wall again. I led them in a rousing game of affirmations when my turn came to be the leader during ‘follow the leader.’

“I am a miracle,” I said as we duck walked through the grass.
I am a miracle. They repeated.
“I am a treasure.”
I am a treasure.
“I love myself everyday.”
I love myself everyday.
“Because I am GREAT!”
Because I am GREAT!

Yeah. I know..corny..but, they are used to it by now. I have them affirm themselves all the time and I make sure to affirm them as well. I can’t allow them to grow up questioning whether they deserve love like I did. I won’t let that happen.

Then we all sat on the big orange blanket and played hand games and “i spy” for a little while.

As we drove back to the their Dad’s house we all sat in silence listening to my new audiobook. The man mentioned appreciation and I asked my boys, “Can we name a few things we appreciate?”

“What’s appreciate?”

“It means to be grateful for. What are you grateful for?”

“You,” they said in unison. “We’re grateful for you. And Daddy. And all of our family. And the Universe. And the trees. We are blessed.”

“Yes you are,” I said as I peeked at them through the rear view mirror.

“No,” I whispered to myself. “I am the one who’s blessed.”

I’m Focused Man

Last week I took an old college alum to the airport to meet her flight. As we drove up Biscayne she told me about a pool hall that she found on West Dixie. It took a couple of seconds but I remembered the place. Anna took me there one time.

It was a nice little spot, but I can’t say I enjoyed being there simply because I don’t like playing pool and I’m not friendly so I don’t particularly enjoy meeting new people.

When I relayed that bit of information to my fellow alum she asked, “Well, what do you like to do for fun besides reading and writing?”

She shocked me with that question. I couldn’t think of an answer.

“I like to learn…” I said firmly and shrugged.

“You’re lame!” she exclaimed and quickly changed her tone. “I’m just playin…I mean, that’s good that you’re okay with doing you regardless of what anyone has to say.”

Yeah right. She wasn’t playing.

But I don’t really care what people think of what I do for fun. Yes, I like to research personal development websites and see what tips other writers are giving for gaining success. Yes, I like to read up on spirituality and meditation and psychic abilities. Yes, it really excites me to read biographies of successful people and ain’t nothing more fun than belting out my emotions on this blog. Sure..I have therapy sessions with myself and actually uncover hidden limiting beliefs..and I love it!

I mean…I may not be a clubber. I’m not into shopping or surfing or working out. I may not enjoy sports or games or television or radio or anything too social. But who cares? I don’t invite anyone to come read on the internet with me. I don’t invite anyone to the book store to browse with me. I am the only person I know who can have a PARTY all by myself!

I enjoy being with myself more than being with anyone else.

You know..it’s funny how what I do for fun is so closely connected to what I desire for my most successful career. Well, maybe that’s how it is supposed to be.

Let me get ready for the eclass Oprah is teaching. You KNOW a nerd like me signed up…I’m all about upliftment!

First Night Alone WIth Steve

In less than 15 minutes Steve and I were parking my car and then standing outside of the elevators waiting to go up to his condo.

During the entire ride from the Strip Club both Steve and I were silent, each lost in our own thoughts. I wondered if tonight was the night that Steve and I would go from friends to lovers. In the past I made early sexual strides with men, sometimes to test them sometimes to satisfy my own perverted desires.

I’m headed to his house. I know what goes down when you go to a man’s house on the late night. I’m not opposed to the idea either, but what’s going to happen tomorrow? I want to continue to be friends with him.

How did he really feel about me after I took him to get a lap dance? I can’t seem to meet a man who doesn’t think I’m trashy because I like that kind of thing. But yeah..I do. The thought of my man being seduced by another women arouses me. I don’t know why but it does.

Man…I’m not even sure if we should be doing this. This could potentially end our entire relationship because once the condom is discarded, my interest goes in the trash with it.I blinked twice as I heard a familiar voice in my ear. I looked in the back seat. No one. Huh? Wait..who is that?I gasp as I see a tiny figure sitting gingerly on my left shoulder. Oh shit! I’m going crazy!”Tamara?” I murmur.”Yeah girl,” the tiny pixie-like figure replies in a tone that almost sounds like a song. “I know what you’re about to do. But Tee, I want you to remember that when you have secks and it’s with someone you love, it’s so much better than random secks.”I glance over at Steve, who smiles while the elevator continues to ascend to his 10th floor apartment.All of a sudden I feel a prick on my right cheek. I look over at my right shoulder and it’s Anna in the same seated position, smoking a blunt. I laugh.”Turn him out,” she says frankly and takes a long puff. ” Show him how Miami rides out. Remember what I taught you.””Ohh Tee,” Tamara sings. “Love is beautiful. Don’t you want love instead of secks?”Anna interjects, “Bitch please! Show him what you workin wit’! Handle that!”I shake off those pixies as the elevator stops.
“Tee.” Steve’s voice surprises me as he gently guides me off the elevator. “Daydreaming again?” he asks and grins. “What’s your fantasy tonight?” I giggle nervously.He smiles and unlocks the front door to his apartment. It’s pitch black as he closes the door behind us and then I hear him clap twice and the lights come on.

“You have THE CLAPPER?!!” I giggle. “You are a nerd!”

“Yeah. It’s a life saver.”

I stretch my eyes wide and walk through his home. He takes his time showing me each room. It’s a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo on the 10th floor of a waterfront property. The furniture is sparse but placed with precision throughout the apartment. The place is immaculate and kind of sterile.

“It doesn’t look like anyone lives here,” I tell him as we step out onto the balcony.

“Well, no one does right now. I lease it for a few months at a time or I stay here when I’m in Miami.”

He guides me to the tan colored leather sofa and he sits beside me. We’re both sitting there like teenage virgins home alone for the first time.
After a minute of uncomfortable silence, he rises and walks over to a tall mahogany chest in the foyer. He opens a drawer, retrieves something and walks toward me with a smile.
“Wanna play cards?” he asks and drops the deck on the coffee table.Cards?Aww…He’s scared. I laugh to myself. Let me loosen him up a bit.”No thanks Steve, but I would like to play a game.””What game is that?” he asks, his voice lower than usual. He’s still standing in front of me as I curl up on the couch, removing my sandals and giving him the ‘come hither’ look.”Well,” I reply softly. “You be the cop and I’m in the back seat of your squad car. You just caught me driving under the influence.”He stares down at me with a thoughtful expression.”Come here…” I tell him firmly. He submits to my command and I reach out to pull him on top of me so that we are face to face.”You’re beautiful…” he says.”So are you.”I move my head to the right and take a whiff of his cologne. “You smell good,” I tell him. I plant a soft kiss on his neck and I feel his body stiffen.”Tell me you like that,” I say.”I like it.””What about this?” I ask as I kiss him again, this time more firmly sucking on his neck.He moves away from me quickly and I sit up straight.”What happened?” I ask.”Nothin…Let’s play cards,” he says and pulls the coffee table closer.I’m confused. “I don’t want to play cards. I want you to come here right now.”He freezes and then turns to me.”You can’t have everything you want, you know.” he says.”According to the Law of Attraction, yes I can,” I tease him.”Tee, Let’s just chill. I mean, I want to spend time with you.””We spent time together all night, I want to do something different,” I say, raising my voice an octave.”Well, let’s watch a movie then,” he says and grabs the remote.I give him the dirtiest look I can muster. A look that usually grabs men by the balls and forces them to do my bidding.”Wait…”I stammer. “Steve…Are you gay?””What?!” he asks and turns to look at me. “Don’t play me like that.””What you mean? You DID used to live in Atlanta..I know how they get down. Did you meet a dude named Dell?””Slow that shit down,” he says and changes the channel.”Come here,” I whine and rub him on his back. “I just want to be close to you.””We are close,” he says firmly. “Chill out.”I suck my teeth and roll my eyes. “Nigga you gay,” I say and stand to pull on my sandals.

In one swift motion he grabs me and pins me on the couch. His face is inches away from mine and his grip is tightening as his brow wrinkles.”What?!” he hisses. “You want me to pull off your clothes and fuck you like the rest of them bitch ass niggas? You want me to pull up your dress and fuck you like you’re a slut?!”His face is tight and his voice is so low. I would have been scared except…”You’re turning me on,” I tell him playfully.He shakes his head and releases me. “I knew that shit would. Man…”He places his face in his palms, his elbows resting on his thighs.”Tee,” he says softly, his voice but a murmur. “You don’t have to do this everytime. You don’t have to be like that. Don’t you know who you are?””I do know who I am. I like secks. I like you. Let’s have secks.”He turns to look at me. “Tee. I could have secks with you right now, but afterwards I’d think you were easy and gave it up to any man who crossed your path. I wouldn’t respect you. I wouldn’t keep you. You can’t do this. You can’t keep doing this. You’re better than this.”My throat tightens. I can’t even find the words to respond.
“Let me go then,” I say, fighting the urge to cry.”No. I invited you here because I want to spend time with you. I want to hold you. I…I care about you.” His voice is strong, yet tender. It’s as though he’s pleading with me.

“Man,” I say playing the hard role. “Lemme go outside and smoke and I’ll think about it. I grab my purse to reach for a Black and he takes it from me.”What? Are you my Daddy now?” I ask with a frown and stand up.”I’m not your Daddy, but I am your man and you’re gonna quit that smokin shit and act like the lady that you are,” he says firmly.”Nigga please!”He stands in front of me. The heat from his body caressing me, causing me to go weak.”Call me a nigga again and see what happens…I’m not a nigga. I’m a man. Remember that.” Damn..He’s so…so…damn…..I roll my eyes at him and place both hands on my hips.”I’m sleeping on the couch,” I announce and sit back down.He walks away, into the kitchen. I hear him fumbling with the cabinets. I then hear clinking noises.”What are you doing?” I call out.”Don’t worry about it. Go in the room,” he calls back.”I ain’t goin in the room, I’m sleepin out here,” I say defiantly.I hear his footsteps approach and my heart beats faster. He stands in front of me, pulls me to my feet and turns me around so that my back is pressed against his stomache. He leans down, placing his mouth near my ear.”Get yo ass in the room, Tee. Don’t make me say it again.”I blink twice, my body reacting to his deep, sexy voice.I walk numbly into his bedroom and sit down on the bed. He enters the room shortly after with two wine glasses. He places them on a tray that is sitting on his nighstand and then goes over to his closet and returns with a t-shirt and a pair of shorts.”You can wear this if you want babe,” he says.I smile at him, take the clothes and head to the bathroom to change. When I get back he’s wearing a wife beater and a pair of basketball shorts. He has soft music playing and two candles lit on his nightstand.”Here you go,” he says and hands me a glass. I sniff the dark wine and take a sip before sitting on the bed next to him. He pulls me closer and hugs me tightly, almost spilling my drink.”You’re a brat,” he says and bites my ear. “But you know that already. What am I going to do with you?””Keep doing what you’re doing,” I say and lean back against him. We’re both silent for a while and I replay the night’s events in my mind. Wait a minute…What did he say earlier?Did he say he’s my…MAN???

Writing About Steve

I’d first like to thank everyone who has written me to tell me that they like the Steve series I’m doing. I find it interesting that the qualities that Steve has is attractive to quite a few women. Maybe that’s saying that we all are basically looking for the same thing but are too afraid to really wait for it.

I’ll also answer a few of the common questions asked about Steve that I’ve received by email.

Is Steve real or based on a real person?
No, he’s not. I have never met anyone like him before I started writing. I made him up.

Why don’t you ever describe the way Steve looks?
I don’t know what he looks like. Except the fact that he wears glasses and is taller than I am, I have no clue how I want him to look and I don’t feel any pressure to commit to one description. He’s everything I find beautiful…and that has nothing to do with his physical appearance.

Does writing about Steve satisfy you?
No. I think writing about him makes me want to meet more men. I haven’t been writing about all the men I’ve been meeting and greeting over the past month but lemme tell you, I’ve met quite a few. Each one is more appealing than the last but none of them have lasted for whatever reason. I never get sad about it though because I can tell from jump what I want and no one is hitting the mark yet.

I may go out with someone again soon. There’s always another chance to try again.

Are you doing this as a Law of Attraction excercise?
No. I started this as a joke, but I decided to continue it because it’s really great excercise in fiction writing for me. I am sooo not a fiction writer and this is difficult for me to write because I have absolutely no basis to gain inspiration from. I’ve never met a man like Steve and his family so I don’t know how to make this up.

I’ll admit though, after I began writing about Steve, I have ran into like..6 men named Steve and plenty other men who remind me of Steve in distinct ways. I don’t look at writing this story as “creating my dream relationship”. I look at it as becoming comfortable with the idea of having a relationship. Before I wrote this I could have never imagined that someone could actually deal with me on a long term basis. I’m a hand full.

Will you turn this into a novel?
I have no plans to do that. I toyed with the idea though and came up with a few storylines that added drama and excitement but then I thought….Steve would never do any of those things, he’s too laid back and honest for any of the underhanded attributes that make for a good romantic novel lead character. Steve is always going to be wonderful to me. He’s my fantasy man. We aren’t going to have any drama unless it’s caused by me.

Thank God For The Drama

My Mama is KILLING Me trying to sing Irreplaceable on American Idol on the Wii! Geesh! ~shakes head~

Simon is gonna curse her out for that! LOL!

Well, it’s Spring Break at my school so I don’t have any classes this week and I’ve dedicated myself to completing one article everyday and so far I’ve been on target. I have a list of topics that I plan to write about and I’m doing well at completing them.

On my to-do list is to set my writing progression in stages, as far as exposure. I’m currently writing for 3 publications and only two of them are paying. My plan is to develop my niche as a relationship writer by slowly expanding my portfolio, one publication at a time.

How do I choose the topics I’m writing about? I think about a situation that I’ve been through or I listen to the subjects my friends discuss in our conversations.

Tamara called me tonight asking, “How did you DO it?”

“How did I do what?”

“Take care of two kids by yourself I feel like I can’t handle it!”

Great! That’s a topic. Single parents: How to beat the pressure of raising your children without going crazy

Kim called me today telling me how great she felt. “Tee, you know what I’ve realized? When I take the pressure of my expectations for my future out of my mind, I can really take the time to enjoy each day.”

“Hmm..,” I said. “That’s in alignment with the premise of Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now. It basically encourages us to enjoy each moment, not allowing the future or the mistakes of the past to affect our present.”

Great! That’s a topic. How To Make The Most Of Your Now

Let’s not forget about using your past to help build your future. All of those situations that I’ve dealt with; dealing with being a single parent in college, getting over the demise of the relationship with my children’s father, how being isolated helped me to grow as a person or even how cutting my hair affected my life- all of these situations and circumstances make great inspiration for articles.

Ask yourself, “What was the last lesson I learned?” And then share your story.

My girl surprised me with an IM today telling me about her recent successes. Get this…My friend has been fired from every job that she has ever had since leaving college. 13 in all. Yes, I said 13.

But now she has found her right fit. The job she has now caters to her creativity, has a flexible schedule, allows her the freedom to create on her own schedule and has even supported her outside endeavors, causing her to become more confident in her entrepreneural pursuits. Because of this her business is booming, she has finally achieved equilibrium in her finances and she has even come to grips with her single status, no longer feeling guilty about being over 30 and unnattached.

“How did all of this happen?” I asked her.

“I did a ritual for success,” she explained. As she went into detail about how she focused her attention and prayers on longevity and abundance in her personal and career pursuits, I realized that her ritual had nothing to do with witchcraft and everything to do with excercising her faith into a physical activity.

Great! That’s a topic. Rituals- Witchcraft or Focused Faith?

As I’m gearing up for my new job as a blogger for the parenting website, I checked out what other cities are doing with their parenting websites and ours is by far more diverse, maybe because we are in a bigger city and have a bigger budget. I thought that I would blog the way I blog here, but I have decided against it. Because it will be attached to my real name, and therefore searchable by the search engines, (It really trips me out when I look at my site stats and see that people from all over the world are googling me!) it will affect my professional life so I’ll cut back on the emotional venting subjects. I’m going to structure it like an advice column on most days with me telling the story of an issue I dealt with in the past and how I got through it.

This will allow me to add it to my portfolio and further enhance my role as a relationship and parenting writer.

I now say THANK GOD FOR THE DRAMA! Without all the messy situations I’d have absolutely nothing to write about. How’s that for using your pain to empower? Hey! That’s another topic: How to Empower Yourself Through Your Pain.

Let me go add these to my to-do list!

What Do Educated Black People Like?

I was forwarded a link to this site today and I thought it was hilarious..yet true.

Stuff Educated Black People Like is a spin off of Stuff White People Like and each person that I forwarded the link to asked, “Who runs this blog? I’m not sure if I should be offended or laugh my ass off!”

On the list of things educated Black people like:

Natural hair – However, what they love most is to give Blacks that wear relaxers guilt trips about how they are conforming to the European standard of beauty. It makes them feel so much better than you to know that they are educated and liberated enough to not have to be a conformist.

Advanced Degrees Educated Black people like advanced degrees. What better way to show that you are educated than to get a slew of degrees to prove it!

Business Cards Business cards are also a clever way for educated Blacks to let you know just how educated they are. Some business cards are abbreviated versions of their resume, listing damn near ever credential that they have. For instance, the cards will say something like,
Educated Black Person, Esq., A.A., B.A., MBA, Ph.D., RN, NAACP, AAA

Baked Chicken – Educated Black People have a more sophisticated taste. We like BAKED CHICKEN. Some even go so far as to use lemon pepper seasonings, but this is only for the upper echelon blacks with advanced degrees, so don’t try this at home if you only have an undergraduate degree.

I was rolling! They sure got me pegged.

So much for being an original! Ha!

I’m Not Who I Was

I think I’m falling into the abyss.

How in the hell could I be sitting up here fantasizing about being home with my sons and unable to go out? I wish I had those days back again.

Tonight I decided that I wouldn’t stay in and brood over being so unnattached that I can go anywhere that I want. I’ll go out, I told myself.

I got dressed, typical dress code; jeans and heels. Makeup. Perfume. Sparkly lotion. Blah blah…

I took one look in the mirror, shrugged and took my clothes off.

Although I absolutely LOVE the club scene when I’m there and the music is playing and the drink has started to take affect… before I get there, it’s not easy to get me motivated to head out. Especially when I take into consideration that everytime I go out I run into someone from elementary, middle or highschool. ~sigh~

The conversation is always exactly the same.

Guy: Hey, are you Tee?
Me: Yes, who are you?
Guy: We know each other from [insert grade level].
Me: Oh yeah! I remember you. How are you doing?
Guy: I’m doing well. You look good. It’s the eyes, I’ll never forget them.
Me: Thank you. So do you.
Guy: You know I had the biggest crush on you…
Me: Oh yeah?

Ok. Forget that fact that supposedly ALL these dudes used to like me back in the day and NONE of them ever told me until now… I really..really…just don’t like it when these dudes try to talk to me because I know they are just remembering the -happy go lucky- smiley- Ms. Popularity from back in the day and I’m not like that anymore.

I wasn’t even perfect then it’s just I was so focused on becoming a journalist and achieving my goals that people never got to know me outside of seeing my face all over every event and getting awards and stuff. They didn’t know the real me, all they saw was the smiling girl on TV who was pretty and nice. They didn’t know I was depressed so much back then. They didn’t know I was suicidal and that my boyfriend dumped me for another girl two weeks after I lost my virginity.

Dude..I was such a regular teenager going through regular teenage angst but I masked it by fantasizing about my bright future and doing whatever I could (writing to journalists, starting clubs, exposing myself to new cultures) to help jumpstart my career.

So when they see me, I can only imagine that they are like, “Now’s my chance..” but they don’t realize…A whole lotta shit has happened since then and I’m not gonna try to act like I’m all perfect like they used to think I was. I’m not. And when they realize that I have issues and insecurities too, it’s like “WOW, Not YOU, Tee!”

YOU have kids?
YOU don’t have a job?

YOU don’t have a MAN?

Uhh..yeah…shit happens sometimes and even The Most Popular Girl can’t help but go through rough times.

I just wish I could meet someone who doesn’t know me from my past so he can’t compare me to who he thought I was…

Sealing The Deal With Steve

It’s 9am when I wake up. Steve is making noise in the kitchen, the radio is playing rap music and I hear the faint clinking of dishes.

“What are you doing boy?” I call out and wipe the drool from my cheek.

“I know you don’t like eggs,” he says. “So I made myself an omelet and I made you some pancakes and sausage. Come eat. It’s ready.”

I go into the bathroom to freshen up and by the time I get to the kitchen table he has it set up so nicely. There’s even a single daisy sitting in a glass vase next to my food.

“Who taught you to do all this?” I ask him as I sit down.

He smiles, “I’m…I’m experimenting with you,” he explains.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

He sits down to join me after pouring orange juice for us both. He cuts his omelet into small pieces and places his left hand in his lap, while he eats with his right hand. The look he gives me in between bites is thoughtful, yet expectant.

“Tee,” he says. “How long have we known each other?”

“Um..a little over two months,” I reply as I devour the soft pancakes. “Why?”

“Well, I hope you understand that I’m not in the game anymore, I’m done with the hit and runs and the playa lifestyle. It’s time to get serious about life.”

“What’s that got to do with you cooking such a wonderful breakfast?”

“Chill out…I’m gonna explain,” he says and stares into my eyes for a few seconds. “Ok. Tee. As much as we talk, I’m sure by now you see that I’m straight up about mine. And as much as I know you, I can see that you are honest about who you are and what you want. You’ll meet a dude and within one conversation you can tell if he’s right for you or not and you act accordingly by deciding what role, if any, this dude will play in your life.”

“Damn…you’re good,” I say.

“Yeah. I pick up on things,” he continues. “Anyway, it’s obvious that you’re feeling me because of the fact that we’re still talking after two months. To some women that may not be a big deal, but for you, who runs at the slightest sign of real attraction, it means a lot. I can understand why you’re afraid, relationships are a big risk. But you won’t ever reap the benefit if you don’t take the risk.”

Um..WHy is this dude preaching to me? What is he getting at?

“Ok, tell me if you understand where I’m coming from on this or if I need to break it down any further for you,” he says firmly and drops his fork on his plate. “When I first saw you I wanted you and I did what I had to do to get you. Now that you’re here with me, I want to keep you but I need to know if you want to be here with me too.”

I gulp. What the fuck? Am I mutherfucking dreaming this shit? Who the hell is he talking to?

As he gazes at me, waiting for a response I begin to feel nauseaus. I then hear Tamara’s voice in my head, “Tee, this is exactly what you always said you wanted. You said you wanted a man who would make an executive decision about being with you and be quick about it. You said you wanted it to be like a business decision. He just did that. Don’t trip. You always get what you ask for girl….”

I’m still blinking as he gazes at me, his head leaning slighly to the left.

Before I can catch myself, the tears are flowing down my cheeks. I wipe them away with the back of my hand and use my napkin to dry my nose. I’m not bawling, the silence in the room is overwhelming. I can’t believe he said that.

“Tee,” he says and pulls his chair next to mine. His knee is touching mine and he drapes his arm across the back of my chair. “I’m nto trying to scare you. I know what your past relationships have been like.”

I turn away from his face. This is way too much.

“Look at me,” he says. “I want you to feel me when I say this.”

I turn back toward him, still drying my nose with the napkin.

“I do not want you to be afraid of me. I am not anything like any of those dudes who came into your life before you met me. I want nothing from you except to see you grow into the beautiful, superstar that you are destined to become. I see you. I see how all those past experiences have made you think you are less than the queen you are.”

“Steve,” I manage to squeak out. “Why are you so wonderful?”

He sighs. “I’m not wonderful, Tee. I’m selfish. All you get is this nerdy looking dude who thinks you’re the shit and will worship your dirty draws. But guess what I get?”

“What?” I say and shake my head.

“I get this creative ass, intelligent ass, charming ass, brilliant ass, FINE ASS, SEXY ASS, redbone, dime piece with green eyes!” he exclaims. “Hell yeah! You’re a bad bitch. Every dude you were with knew it. You were the only one who didn’t.”

“Damn,” I whisper.

“Look,” he says and pulls me out of my chair and onto his lap, facing him. “We can make the decision right now that we’re going to see what’s up with us. For real. Just me and you…no bullshit. No games. I don’t know about you but it’s time for me to start the next phase of my life.”

I shrug. “How do you know you want to do this? How do I know you’re ready? I don’t even know if I’m ready. You make it sound so serious.”

“It IS serious,” he says and rolls his eyes. “I’m sitting here telling you that i want to work through whatever issues you got and I want you to help me get through mine too. And I know you’re ready. Wanna know why?”


“I peeped your resume. You haven’t had any kind of stability in your life. You’ve been hopping from city to city, job to job, dude to dude. That’s not you. That used to be you, but that’s not you anymore. You’re ready to prove to yourself that you can be grown up about shit and plant some real roots and really expand as a writer, a leader and a woman. The next job you get, you’re not going to run away when things get rough. The next place you get you’re going to make it into a real home for you and your sons. And the next man you meet who treats you the way you KNOW you deserve to be treated, you’re gonna soften up, open up and you’re gonna let all that love you’ve been holding back, you’re gonna let it out.”

“Damn Steve. That’s all that’s been on my mind.”

“I know girl. I know. But shit..I wanna get some of that overdue love. I’ve done a lot in life Tee. I’m ready for the next big thing. I’m ready to chill out and just be in this…whatever it’s going to be it’s going to be, you know. But damn..I would really like to be there with you while you grow into that stunning ass lady. I get to walk around and be like, ‘Yes sir! That’s ME! MINE! I’m hitting that erry night!”

I laugh. “You’re dumb,” I say and rub my fingers over the waves in his hair.

“I know but, you’re here with me so what does that say about you?”


“Yeah but that’s what turns you on soo….”



“You said you wanted me to help you get through your issues. What issues do you have?”

He laughs. “It’s that right there. I don’t let anyone see them. I’m too afraid to admit that I have issues. I show no emotions. Never let’em see me sweat. That’s why you fascinate me. You’ll tell the whole world that your cootchie is sweating and you don’t give a damn!”

“Yeah but…I don’t really care what people think and that’s cuz I know the majority of people are hiding their real selves trying to front like they got it together and they don’t. I wish I could make it cool to be real about yours. It’s so much more…authentic.”

“And that’s what I like about you,” Steve says. “You’re gonna make me look good, help me to grow AND we’re gonna make some mad money together’son!”


“Steve,” I say as I stare him in the eyes. I stand up from my seated position on his lap and keep his gaze as I slowly kneel on the wood floor in front of him.

Two minutes later I hop up and kiss him on the cheek. His head is hanging back and his eyes are closed. His entire body is limp.

“Hell nawww….” he mutters and a smile spreads across his face. “Like that?”

“You ain’t ready,” I say. “But get ready. I am going to be so good to you.”

Steve Blesses Me

In the months that followed that breakfast conversation, my entire life changed.

I don’t know what it is about having someone completely in your corner and knowing that they want to see you happy and will go to any length to see to it that you are…but man, it feels great.

I love that Steve is so consistent with me. I didn’t know how much attention and affection I required until one night he said, “Tee, you’re like a full-time job” as we snuggled on his couch.

“For real?” I asked him. “Am I that demanding? Am I too much?”

“Naw, you’re not too much, but yes, you are demanding,” he laughed. “But I don’t mind it because you give just as much as you demand.”

After all of these years, after all of the negative self talk, after all of the one night stands I have finally met someone who likes me just as much as I like him and isn’t afraid to show it. Although he’s only in town twice a month, for a few days at a time, I enjoy our relationship because when he’s here, I’m all over him and when he’s not I’m focused on school.

He gave me the keys to his condo. I love that he trusts me like that. My sons and I have grand weekends over there while we’re looking for our own place. Steve says he’s looking to buy again and he wants me to find a small house for him to rent out. I know what he’s doing. Honestly, it makes me cry.

I’m so used to dealing with my children’s father who points out everything he can that is wrong with me, my own parents who are very similar and ofcourse I can always make a long list of things I need to improve, but with Steve, he’s not like that. He never yells at me or says anything harsh at all. If he has a suggestion, he’ll calmly say, “Maybe you should try this…”

And because of the way he speaks to me, so lovingly, I do whatever he says.

He’s so smart and so affectionate towards me. You won’t believe what he did. He took me to the club. We went in together, we danced together all night and he did not leave my side for one minute. It was as though he wanted to let everyone know that he was with me. He was proud to be with me.


And even afterwards as I cried in the car on the way home because I couldn’t believe that he treated me so well, he didn’t look at me in disgust or anything, he just rubbed my back and let me…be me.

Sometimes I do become scared because I wonder if he’ll hurt me. But when I talk to Anna about it she says, “Tee, please enjoy yourself.”

He has met my sons. It happened in a weird way for me.

One day I was with him and told him that I had to go because I was picking up my boys from practice and he stood up and put his shoes on and walked behind me.

I looked at him like he was crazy.

“Don’t you think it’s time that I meet them?” he asked. “I mean, telling them that you are staying at your friend’s house is cool and all, but I’d like to get to know them too. Are you afraid?”

I gulp. “No, I’m not. I’m just…I just…They will be glad to meet you,” I say and relax. “They used to tell me that they wanted me to get married all the time. They want more brothers to play with.”

Steve laughs and opens the door. “Have you mentioned me at all?”

“Yeah,” I blush. “I told them I met a nice man who makes me laugh.”

“What did they say?”

“They asked what your name was and I told them and then they asked if you were my boyfriend and I lied and told them we were friends.”

“You are so scary,” Steve says. “They are gonna love me.”

“Wait!” I say, “Let’s do it like this. Let me go pick them up and then tell them that we are going to pick you up so we can hang out. That way, they won’t be shocked to see a strange man in the car when I go pick them up.”

“Ok,” Steve says. “Call me when you’re close and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

When I tell my boys that I want them to meet my friend, my younger son says, “Is he your BOYFRIEND MAMA?!”

“Something like that,” I tell them.

They both laugh and laugh. I can tell they are happy. To them he’s just someone new to play with.

When Steve walks up to the car, they are both quiet. We get to the park and all hell breaks loose. They are all over him, racing him, tackling him and beating him up like the wrestlers on WWF.

I’m sitting back going, “Dang..All that aggression.”

We all go out to eat at the buffet and then we head back to Steve’s house to get the boys ready for bed. After they both take showers, he invites them to watch a movie with us and they fall asleep on the couch with me while Steve sleeps in the chair.

We had such a good time that Steve comes down more often. He makes sure to plan his trips around the time when the boys are there so he can see them too.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but it doesn’t seem real.

Especially the fact that..Steve and I have still not done the DEED yet. We’ve been tested and re tested and he still says it’s not time.

I wonder what that’s all about…