I Have a Social Life

It’s July 1st.

The days just won’t stop coming. Tomorrow I’m celebrating two milestones.

1) It’s my birthday and I am turning 28.

2) I can celebrate 7 months of abstinence.

Tonight I will probably sit here and reminisce over the whirlwind changes that happened during my 27th year. I would have NEVER EVER in a BILLION YEARS thought that I’d be where I am right now.

I am simply…in love with this city.

It’s that ‘make you wake up smiling’ kind of love. That love that scares you because you can’t stop it. That kind of love that makes you wonder: What’s going to happen? I hope this lasts.

I went to the poetry spot on Friday. What should have taken me 10 minutes on the Dallas Tollway, took me over an half hour because of the buckets of rain that were pouring down. Between my dark tinted windows, the ridiculous rain and me having to look down at my directions every five minutes, the trip to the poetry spot wasn’t a pleasant one.

Ofcourse I got lost trying to find the place. As I drove around and around trying to find parking I looked around and marveled at how beautiful the area was. I later learned that I was in Uptown.

As I walked up to the spot, Raycita called me and I told her the two poems that I had chosen and promised I’d call her when I got home. I hung up with her and walked in nervously.

I expected a dark, dingy bar, but this place was far from it. It was a chocolate specialty shop owned by a young Black woman and its decor was definitely inviting. I met the owner and took a seat at the small bar. I ordered a glass of wine and sipped as I realized..uh oh…I planned to do a “the white man raped our people” type of poem and uh…this place was full of white people.

Everyone was there happily chatting, eating chocolate covered fruits and candy and sipping wine. Hmm… I didn’t know if I should interrupt their bliss but I did want to perform so I decided to wait and see what type of poetry the other artists performed.

Just after 10pm the mic was set up and the host introduced himself to the intimate crowd. He performed a piece that was more like spoken word than poetry, if there’s a difference. It sounded like…

The antithesis of your magnificence was blinded by my indifference
I brushed crumbs from your tasty lips..hindered by my caress, nevertheless I burned. Burned like the ashes of our ancestors and the wounds on our backs as we built humankind
Will we ever reconnect? Will I find my spirit? I can hear it, taste it and breathe it..in and out…in and out…

You know what I’m talking about?

That wasn’t what he said (I just made that up) but it had that type of rhythm to it. I’m sure I could do that type of spoken word but I’ve honestly never tried.

I decided to go ahead with what I had planned and I performed my two pieces. The audience seemed receptive. What impressed me most were the other poets. Each spoke from different places in their lives but each theme that was presented I could identify with. I loved that each of their speaking styles was different. It was all about sharing and blessing and releasing, hope, faith, love, frustrations.


I had never experienced anything like that before.

It wasn’t about what I was wearing or if my piece was better than the next poet’s. It was about me feeling you and appreciating your growth and your heart to share that piece of yourself with me. I felt honored to be a part of it. Even though I was nervous coming in, I laughed when I realized that it was kinda the same thing as the improv comedy I used to do in college.

After the set was done everyone went around and congralulated each other. I went up to this one guy and blessed him for speaking my heart when he recited a poem about how his job is not who he is.

Another poet gave me her contact info after telling me how much she loved my performance. She mentioned that some of the other poetry spots in the city are also thriving. I will probably go out with her tonight to check one of them out.

After almost punching this man in the face for coming on too strong, I composed myself. Quick rule of engagement: If I don’t ask you for your number, I don’t want it. I hate when men try to push themselves on me. This dude actually placed a napkin and a pen in front of me and said, “Write your number down.” I gave him the WTF face and said, “I do not give out my number to every random man who asks me.” ~rolls eyes~

After I left I got lost again and finally found my way back to 75 on cloud nine.

The next day I woke up all happily filled with praise. I called my sons and chatted with them a little bit then I hung out on youtube dancing to some of my favorite videos and fantasizing about finally being able to give my gift without restrictions.

My phone chimed and I checked my email. It was an invitation to attend a Celebrity bowl-a-thon from one of the men I met at the event last Thursday. I replied quickly with a yes and hung out a little more before making my way to the event.

I met the man at the door and we walked in. It turns out that this is was a fundraiser that different companies participate in. We registered and he introduced me around to so many people! I met some of the top journalists in the city and I was blowed away as we signed in and I was added to his team’s roster. This dude works in the broadcast news department for a local television station. I was actually playing on the broadcast team.

I sat down and met the rest of the team; reporters, anchors and cameramen from his station. We gobbled up the free food, chatted and exchanged business cards. One of the black female anchors even came up to me and said, “I hear you’re new in town. I don’t hang out much but I’d love to have someone new to kick it with, here’s my card call me sometime.”

I was elated!

I bowled a horrible game… I didn’t even break 100 but I still had fun. I met this one chick who works for a cultural arts center and she said, “We’re always looking for people to help with creative programming. I hear you’re a poet, I hope to see you at the center.”

I was in heaven!

Afterwards we went to this other spot in Addision. It was a club that had a live band and was a mixture of young and older people. There were a lot of couples there and I sat on the side sipping my mixed drink and my thoughts turned to The Prez. Still not over him yet. I wondered if he had been there before or maybe if he was a part of the thick crowd. It’s the kind of spot where you take your date too because they play a lot of slow songs.

Hehhh…I’m not really at a place in my life where I want to be all up in different men’s faces. I kinda want to save all that slow dancing and body pressing for the man God has for me. I don’t know why I’m in this mode but…I am. I did dance with one guy but the closeness of our bodies was a bit too much for me so I left early. I honestly felt like I was cheating on my man, whoever he may be.

As I rode home I got a text from this nice guy I met at the bowling alley. He was supposed to meet us up at the club but I didn’t see him when I was there. We decided to go get something to eat and then we sat outside of my apartment on his truck and talked until about 3:30am. He was nice enough. I think I’ll hang out with him again.

Maybe this IS home.

I have a social life.

Maybe this is what I had been missing out on since I had been so wrapped up in working so hard for the website. I never even thought about going out and meeting people while I was there, I only thought about doing a good job for them and representing myself to the best of my abilities. I don’t regret leaving but I do miss what I did there.

Who knows what will come from all of this networking.

I do believe that a blessing is on the way. Now I can relax and attend this poetry event, bringing in my 28th year in peace and harmony.

Shake Ya Ass For my Birthday!

Blow My Mind

I love Dallas.

Let me tell you about how the vibe in this city is electric. Maybe I’m overcharged or something but I am so impressed by the people I’m meeting. They are so warm and friendly. The guys I meet know how to keep their distance (most of them) but still be friendly.

Except this one time, let me tell you what happened tonight, I got a call from the guy I went on the walk with, the one said he was “the realest nicca”.

“Happy Birthday,” he said. “I got something for ya.”

So I went over there and we were talking and he asked me why I wasn’t with anyone. I then told him that I believe God has a special man for me and I don’t want to cheat on him.”

He was like, “What?”

Then we proceed to have this conversation debating the strengths and weeknesses of dating. “I don’t want to. I feel like I’m cheating.” I told him that flat out.

Then he said, “So you’re saying that I can’t even speak of anything sexual when I’m with you?”

“No. I don’t feel comfortable with that.”

“We got a problem, Lil Mama,” he paused and adjusted his baseball cap. “I got enough friends.”

I was like, “Damn! The realest nicca INDEED!” That kinda turned me on, except I love my future husband much more so whatever. I stood up and grabbed my stuff. I left.

Damn! These men in Dallas are trying to HIT! And they are so smooth and cute too. The old me would have had a good time, but it doesn’t feel right anymore. Maybe I’m getting old? LOL! Naw..I’m the perfect age. I don’t feel like having to play games with men. I’m too honest. I hate playing stupid little indirect communicative games. Just say what you feel. I have to respect that and act according to the standards I set for my life. Even though I didn’t like what he said, I respect him for knowing what he wanted and being bold enough to ask for it. I would have done the same thing.

He’s so dumb you should never say something like that to a woman. No matter what she says if she finds you attractive she will fuck you eventually. It’s better to start off as friends anyway. Keep it light. Keep it breezy. Build up some tension.

“I see you with that chick,” I’d say.

“I saw you with that dude.”

Whatever. You ain’t ready.

Oh God..I have such an imagination… I don’t know what to do with it.

I’m not desperate for attention and focus from a man right now. I don’t have to compromise my beliefs just to keep someone sitting next to me. I can be alone.

I have to make a decision.

I am waiting for a very great man to come into my life. I have to be on his level or surpassing him when I meet him. I want him to be equally as proud of me as I will be of him. I have to stop looking at these chocolate covered cuties and thinking that we can be “friends”. I’m leaving these men alone. I have to FOCUS.

The goal is to become proficient in all forms of media. If I can do this I can choose anything I want. So far I have done well in all of the fields I have tried. I’d love to see what else I can do. Maybe I’ll be great at all of it and then I can do ANYTHING and I’d do it ALL! Oh my gosh! I’ll be able to take care of my kids forever!

I just have to find out which facet of journalism I could be most successful in and make that my springboard. Ohhh…I can’t wait to really pour out my all.

My birthday was great! My sons called me EARLY this morning to tell me Happy Birthday. “Are you writing like you always do?” My older son asked.

“Not at the moment Boo Boo,” I said.

Everyone called me and sang to me, facebooked me and myspaced me, emailed me and texted me ALL DAY LONG! I was really feeling the love!

I may be here in Dallas but I’m not alone, my people are here with me through the spirit of wireless.

I REALLY, REALLY just…..want to give my gift. It’s such a burden on my heart. I want to be in a place where I can create with no interference and unlimited resources. I wanna blow my own mind.


I broke up with Kanye & The Prez in my mind. Neither of them called or sent a gift. I can’t put up with men who don’t acknowledge me for my birthday. Done.

~folds arms and looks away~

Keeping Things Fresh

I was talking to Raycita the other night and before we hung up she told me that she was about to write her 6 month and 1 year plan.

I was talking to Ruby today and we discussed where she wants to go in life as far as her career gis concerned. It seems as though everyone is preparing for their future by creating visions for their lives. Doesn’t the Bible say that without a vision man will perish?

We create our reality by what we believe can happen. Do I really believe that I can be the super journalist that I see myself becoming? Do I really believe that I can meet a man who meets all of the qualities of my heart’s desires? Do I really believe that one day I will have a bed to sleep in and all of the comforts of home?

Hell yeah!

My belief system is made much easier because of the type of women I have in my life. All of my friends have the same core foundation although we are all wading through the water of righteousness and trying to define how we want to honor God with our lives.

I realized the other day that all of my close friends are where I am concerning relationships with men. None of us are the type of women who encourage each other to cheat when we are in committed relationships. We don’t applaud that type of behavior. And those of us who aren’t in committed relationships are waiting on God. No one is having secks or dating, we’re done with that phase of our lives.

We challenge each other to live better for God and to honor ourselves as women of strong character. Many nights are spent on the phone with each other, we turn to each other and call on God for strength through the lonely times. But we all agree that it’s better to be lonely than go through all that unneccessary drama dealing with men that we know aren’t good enough for us.

The other night Raycita and I were discussing some of the pitfalls that marriages face and she challenged me to keep my marriage fresh by not moving so fast. “If you do everything before you get married, then what is there to look forward to?” she asked.

“When you get married, you have secks for the first time, it’s new and you can enjoy that new experience for a while. Then you move in together. That’s a new and exciting experience that will last for a year or so as you get used to being around each other all the time. Then you have your first child and that’s a whole new world to explore. That will last several years. It’s about keeping everything fresh. It goes stale so much more quickly when you have already rushed and done everything beforehand.”

I asked Tamara what she thought about Raycita’s thoughts since Tamara has already moved in with her fiance and they have a baby together already. She said that she believes it was a good idea to move in with her man because you never truly know a person until you live with them but she admits that she wishes that she had waited until she got married before she had secks because although her first experience with her man was great she says, “Imagine if the first time we did we had all of the emotions and love that we have now, it would have been off the CHAIN!”

As I navigate through the rocky road of abstinence, most days I am okay. It’s about self control. Honestly, it’s been so long that the thought of a random man actually touching me, nauseates me. I can’t imagine being up under some man who cares nothing about me. I’ve had too many of those experiences and honestly I’ve been the initiator of most of them. Tamara once told me that I use men as tools for pleasure. I remember thinking, “What else are they good for? They sure don’t support you and encourage you by loving you unconditionally.”

I’m glad that I am over that train of thought even though I haven’t met a man who would prove otherwise. It’s the faith that someone WILL that keeps me satisfied during my drought. I continuously imagine a man who will place my picture on his desk in his office just so he can see my face all day.

Speaking of droughts, I haven’t heard a word from God about seeking my destiny over the past few days so I have been diligently working on my website and marketing myself. Although I love Dallas I will leave here if an opportunity opens up somewhere else. I’m not tied to this city, I have no furniture to move, no job and no real friends yet. I’m in a position where I can go anywhere. I still consider myself to be in transition. I want to do work that satisfies and I haven’t seen a publication in this city that I’d like to work for.

Kim reminded me that the power of God moves people at the right time and when He is ready for me to work again, He will allow that perfect opportunity to contact me as long as I am diligent to continue to put myself out there and tell people what I can do. “Until then, enjoy your downtime, dawg,” she encouraged me. “We all know you’re a hard worker, rest up because soon things will be on and poppin.”

I hope things pop off soon but for now I’m trying to find out where’s the best place to be for the 4th of July. I remember last year I took my boys to the fireworks show at the golf course across the street from my house. Then we came home and sat outside on the car and watched the random fireworks from people in the neighborhood. ~sigh~

My boys are spending a month with their grandmother in Ocala, Florida. They are having an experience that I never had. I never spent summers away. I remember when their Dad would tell me about his summers in Ocala and I always envied that, now my boys are getting to have that kind of laid back country fun.

Anna’s daughter called me for my birthday to sing to me. That made me smile. Anna had been shopping for a bike for her daughter and was a little pressed for cash when she realized, “Damn…I’m married. I’m not on my own anymore.” She says she had been so used to doing things on her own with no help from her daughter’s father that she has to retrain her mind to remember that she has help now.

I guess right now I’m still standing on faith and moving forward according to the words spoken into my spirit. Day ONE of my 28th year was uneventful but I do look forward to many more AMAZING things happening whether I stay here or move elsewhere.

For All Of the Dreamers

From TD Jakes- Listen….

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3


Part 5

I was born to do this and I’m BAD when I do it!

I love you…

Summer Lovin

It’s been a crazy transition into the summer. Here in Dallas, it’s been raining for the past 2 months. All of this being cooped up inside of the house has me fantasizing about someone to snuggle with. Yeah I have all of these rigid standards for the men I engage myself with so I have to embrace the fantasy until I meet my Knight.

I don’t have any summer romance stories so I’ll make one up.

My Summer Love

I’m at the car wash, wearing my cut off shorts, a wife beater and some flip flops. My sunglasses are perched atop my head as my brow tingles from the summer sun. My thoughts turn to a conversation that a friend and I had about our engagement ring requirements. She’s a trip, but that convo made me fine tune my fantasies about the perfect ring.

engagement rings

“I am not going to do this by myself, ” I resign and look around to see if there are any men available to fall victim to my damsel in distress routine. Before I do a full 360 turn I hear footsteps behind me and I turn around and gaze up at the most spectacular looking man I’ve seen since I’ve been here. He’s about 5’10”, athletic build with the most amazing smile I’ve ever seen.

“You want me to take care of that for you?” he asks and I see that he’s wearing a white tee like mine but his cargo shorts are crisply pressed and his tan sandals look brand new.

“Why thank you!” I coo innocently as he removes the hose and brush and begins to scrub the top of my car.

“What’s your name?” I ask him.

“It’s Sean and yours?”

“I’m Tee.”

“You’re not from around here are you?”

“How did you know?” I ask in my best surprised tone. Everyone tells me that, so I’m unimpressed.

“Uh..Your Florida tags.”

“Oh yeah,” I blush. “Um..thanks for the help Sean.”

“My pleasure,” he mumbles as he gives me a once over. By this time he’s moved on to the my passenger door and he’s doing a great job. His hands are all soapy and I can see beads of sweat running down his forehead.

I reach into my car and grab a tissue. I walk over to him and he pauses.

“Let me get that for you,” I say and wipe the liquid from his face.

“Look at you,” he says and smiles. “You act like that all the time?”

“Whenever I get the chance to,” I reply as I toss the tissue into the garbage bin and fold my arms with a smirk.

“How often do you get the chance?”

“Not often.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m picky about who I take care of.”

He laughs as he sprays my car down with the hose. “I’m the same way.”

“Please let this fine ass man ask me for my number!” I pray.

“So…What are you getting into today?” he asks.

“I was headed to the Half Priced book store to browse. What are you up to?”

“I was headed that way myself.”

“For real?” I ask with wide eyes.

He laughs. “Naw…But I am now.”

“Are you done with your car?” I ask him, curious to see what he’s driving.

“I was just about to drive away when I noticed you and something told me that you needed help.”

“Well, I appreciate it,”I say. “I can take it from here.” I grab a towel from my car and begin to dry the hood. He walks over to me and gently removes the towel from my hand. “That’s my job,” he says.

I melt.

Yes, I am a princess and I should not be relegated to doing physical labor. I’m glad he recognizes that.

After he’s done the red paint on my car is shining and I grin.

“THANKS! You should open a car wash business!”

“Well…I have enough on my plate, but I’ll keep that in mind. Why don’t we grab something to eat, I’m hungry.”

“Um…sure. I’ll follow you.”

“Here’s my card in case we get seperated,” he says and hands me a shiny blue card from his wallet.

I watch him and those fine ass legs walk over to a Black Charger with dark tints and shiny rims. I hop into my car and look at the card in my hand.

I grin. CEO…

Yeah Daddy…

This must be my lucky day.

Blessed Dreams

I was up all night last night. The worries and fears of a future unknown engulfed my mind sending me into a tailspin.

I know what triggered this relapse. It’s the promise of God being manifested in the spirit. Something is happening, unknown to me. Somewhere, something is working in my favor. My rational mind doesn’t want me to believe it. It constantly reminds me of the people in my past who don’t like me or agree with how I’m living. I fight those thoughts off with affirming words and a constant reminder that I am the daughter of the Most High King. Everything makes way for me. Everyone is a link in the chain towards my divine destiny. No one can stand inthe way of my blessing no matter how hard they try.

Once I fell asleep around 5am, I had the most wonderful dream. I took a trip to see my sons and when I put my arms around them, I experienced the most joyful sensation known to man.

Far greater than any orgasm or full body massage. Much more spiritual than a first kiss from your true love. Feeling the warmth from my baby’s embrace brought a peace to my spirit. I kissed them and hugged them and we went for a walk as I listened to them chatter about anything and nothing.

A ringing noise woke me from my ultimate fantasy. I opened my eyes and looked at my phone sitting near my head next to my laptop. Kim.

When I answered I guess we had a bad connection because I couldn’t hear her, but I knew she was calling me from the airport before her early morning flight to Miami for the holiday.

I drifted off to sleep and was greeted by my sons once again. This time we were in a school and their toys were everywhere. We walked down the hallways, picking up toys and talking to each other.

My phone rang again, waking me.

I blinked a few times and saw Kim’s name on the caller ID. I answered and she greeted me, “Hey girl, Happy 4th of July.”

“Hey girl. You made it?”

“Yeah girl, it feels so weird to be back here. I guess I’m so used to being in Chicago and the way things look there.”

“I’m sure. Now lemme try to go back to sleep I was dreaming about my boys and it felt so good to see them.”

“Girl, don’t you worry. We’re planting the seeds now. Pretty soon you’ll be able to see your boys as much as you want to. You’ll be able to have them with you or at least fly out and see them at a moment’s notice. Don’t worry, it’s coming. God didn’t bring you this far not to give you the desires of your heart. You’ll see.”

“Thanks girl.”

I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just hung out around the house. It’s funny how I can have fun all by myself. I don’t know anyone who spends as much time alone as I do, but I’m okay with it. I don’t get on my own nerves. I enjoy being alone.

My phone rang again and it was my sister. “Mama asked me to call you because she said you don’t answer when she calls.”

I laughed. “Put her crazy behind on the phone.”

“Hey girl!” My Mama said. “You know we done cooked a whole bunch of food. We grilled early this morning and I’m glad we did because it looks like it’s about to pour down raining.”

“It’s been raining here a lot lately too.”

“Yeah I wanted to ask you about those floods. It’s all over the news.”

“Well, I heard about the floods but there are none where I live. Next time you see a report, try to see where they are talking about. I live on the north side of Dallas.”

“So how things going? You wrote anything lately on the site?”

I gulped. “No Mama, not lately.”

No, I haven’t told my Mama that I left the website. I don’t want her to worry. When I first started working there she told me that it took her a minute to tell her co workers because she knows me. “Girl, you know how you are,” she said with a laugh. “People don’t pay you right or don’t treat you right and your ass is outta there in a minute! Now I told everybody and they all put the website as their homepage so they can go and read your stories at work.”

“Well Mama I only do that because I know what I am worth. If a company doesn’t value that then It’s not the place for me. I really wish I could find my place.”

“Girl, I saw the boys before they left to their other Grandma’s house. They are so big and looking good. You know their Granddaddy is spoiling them. Sugarbear asked for a PSP but I don’t know if he should have that yet even though he said he beat all the games we bought him for his gameboy. But you know I can’t tell your Grandaddy nothing. If I didn’t put my foot down, he’d spend our mortgage on them boys and I ain’t having that!”

I laughed.

“Girl, don’t you worry about them boys. They good where they are with their Daddy. They are getting so much love down here. You just keep doing what you doing and go for yours it’s your time to make something of yourself.”

I almost cried but I didn’t want her to be annoyed by me. I’m so glad that my Mama approves of what I’m doing. Throughout all of this she hasn’t discouraged me at all. I think it delights her that I’m doing so much traveling. She seems to see it all as an adventure. I send her postcards from wherever I go but today she asked for pictures of the celebrities I meet.

“Aww Mama, I don’t want to collect pictures with random celebrities. That’s dumb to me. Why would I treasure a 2 minute meeting with a celebrity when they haven’t taught me anything and we aren’t really friends? The stories I write about them are good enough for me. That’s proof enough.”

“Well, how about this. How about you start taking pictures for your Mama. I want to see and show everybody at work. They are always asking about you and I tell them and they say, ‘I wish she was my daughter.'”

I could hear her smiling through the phone.

She never acted like this when I was younger. I seriously thought she didn’t like me. Now all I get is love and encouragement. Her words bless me more than she’ll ever know. She doesn’t have to tell me she loves me, I know she does.

When I got off the phone with her I was in heaven. A blessing from Mama always hits the right spot. I danced around my empty living room and plopped down on my makeshift bed to flip through the channels. My eyes lit up when I saw the opening credits for Sleepless in Seattle. I love that movie!

“I’m going to cry at the end,” I promised myself and settled down happily to watch the romance flick.

Ahhh…I think life should be just like that. One day…a chance meeting, someone takes a risk and then….as easily as a hot knife through butter you see the person and…and..you’re in love.

I don’t want to go through the push and pull of trying on different men for size. I don’t want to go through the heartache of breaking up and making up. I just want…to KNOW. And I want his testimony to be that he loved me from the moment he laid eyes on me. Sounds like a fantasy? Well, look at my life. Fantasies do come true.

As I sat and worried myself about the choices I’ve made and the friends I’ve lost I found peace that every good thing that God has for me, will not be withheld. Who wants to hold onto friends who won’t support your dream? God removed them and made the remaining friendships stronger. Who wants to hold onto a job that isn’t trying to support your success? God can give me better. God can give me more. I don’t have to cry everyday to take hold of my dream. God doesn’t want that for me in a workplace or in a relationship. He wants me to be happy.

The thing about the past is, you can’t do a damn thing about it so dwelling on it simply means you have too much free time. I do have more free time lately so I try to keep busy with my website and reading my favorite books over and over for encouragement. I’m already meeting great people through the interviews that I am conducting for my website.

And it’s exactly the type of stories I’ve always wanted to write. I get to ask successful people how they became successful and they share encouraging stories about breaking free from negativity and overcoming obstacles. As much as this site will encourage others, it’s also encouraging me….and it hasn’t even launched yet! LOL!

I was invited out to see fireworks and then have drinks afterward but I didn’t accept the invitation. Sometimes I feel more lonely when I’m in a room full of strangers than I do when I’m home alone. Besides, one of the main reasons that I don’t date is because I don’t know who these men are and I don’t want them parading me around town when I’m brand new and know nothing about their reputation or intentions.

Today I decided not to spend any more time with men, alone. It’s not worth the hassle of them coming on to me and I don’t want to fall into someone’s bed during a moment of weakness. If it’s not a group thing then I’m not participating. That should help me see who is really true about being a friend and who’s not. I have no problem walking away from a man who doesn’t treat me in the manner that I deserve. I know what I am worth.

It’s dark out now and I do want to see fireworks so maybe I’ll take a short drive to see if there are any in my neighborhood. My friends would KILL me if they knew I spent the entire day inside.

As I let go of my imaginary boyfriends I can feel God’s promise for a real man, growing stronger. No more wondering if he likes me or when he’ll take notice of my swagger. It’s time for a new thing, a REAL thing and I am practicing patience while I wait for him. As great as Kanye and The Prez are, maybe God has someone even more fine, more creative and more brilliant for me. I still do admire those men and I really hope that the women they choose will be as good to them as I would have been. I see the brilliance in both of them and would have only added to their shining light. But…it wasn’t meant to be and I’m okay with that.

My reality often exceeds my fantasy and I can’t WAIT to see what will happen next!

Impending Splendor

Today is my son’s 5th birthday.

I called him early this morning and he said, “Guess what Mama? It’s my birthday.” I laughed, thinking back to the conversation I had with Anna. She said, “Why do these kids think this is only a monumental day for THEM?”

We laughed and laughed. “Yeah,” I agreed. “Like our lives didn’t change forever that day too!”

“I was cute and skinny before that day!” she joked.

“I was free and easy before that day!” I added.

My baby told me that his grandma bought him two slip n slides for his birthday. I sent him a book. My Mama will probably get him a video game or something when he gets back to Miami.

I miss my boys.

I remember five years ago I was on that delivery table. All of my friends were there, Mimi, Jenny, Sharon and their Daddy was there too. If you don’t have kids you don’t understand what it means to just do or die.

When it’s time to push, it’s time to push and there’s no way out. You can cry and whine and try to get up and go home but unless you buckle down and face that pain, you won’t ever feel relief. Kinda feels like where I am right now. The painful part is knowing that my kids want to be back with me and I am unable to take care of them due to my own actions. The relief will come when I can pick them up from the airport and take them with me to our new home, complete with a nanny and house servants and a fine, smart man with glasses.

For a minute there I doubted my ability to be a full time Mom again. But I want to. I need to. I need to give them the gift of me and I need to reap the benefits of all of those years of hardship. I didn’t struggle with them not to see the reward. My boys will be back with me and I will be able to take care of them for the rest of their childhood. It’s just taking a minute…that’s all. Ain’t nobody helping me but God. The little blessings here and there keep me from starvation while I stand behind the principles that I believe in. And I stand behind God’s word that if He gave me the vision for it, He has equipped me for it and it will come to pass, regardless of who believes in my dream.

Why can’t I be a regular person who just sits and reads blogs all day while collecting their paycheck? Why do I require more?

I write as though no one will read this. I release my thoughts for me, though they seep out into the world and affect mindsets and cause emotional outbursts.

I ain’t trying to incite a riot or be a role model, I was just looking for a little spot to be me. That’s why I created this blog. I just wanted to write and be me and then people started peeking in and it made me a little uncomfortable at first but then I figured…they don’t know me. And even if they did…I don’t owe anyone any explanations for the path I choose for my life. My life is MY LIFE. I pay the consequences. I reap the benefits of the seeds I sow. I feel the pain, no one else.

I still fantasize about living lavishly after profiting from giving my gift, though for some reason, those dreams are less frequent.

On the forefront of my mind is staying at peace with myself throughout all of the criticism and advice giving. I promise, I have NEVER been given so much pressure/advice before in my life, when I never even asked for it. This shows concern but it also annoys me because…Dude…I only value advice from someone who is living the type of life that I hope to live.

Sometimes I want to look at people and say, “Who told you I valued your advice?” But I don’t. I politely listen as they sternly tell me what they think I should be doing and where I am going wrong. I listen, then I forget it as soon as they leave because I do not make decisions the same way others do, my mind is on another plane. Even my close friends and I think amazingly differently and I never ask my friends for advice. Not even Kim. I may ask them what they think AFTER the fact..but I usually don’t even do that. Cuz it doesn’t matter. It’s MY LIFE.

I trust myself to make the best decisions for my life and I appreciate the people who try to equip me with the toold necessary to succeed in lieu of random emotionally charged advice born out of frustration or despair.

I have no one to hold my hand so I have to be a big girl.

No success stories came before me in my family so I have to figure it out myself.

I have no one’s back to climb on after year’s of their hard work.

I have no one who has taken a vested interest in me enough to guide me along the way.

Yeah..I be fucking up, but how can I not when I’m going through completely unfamiliar territory? That’s why my heart is focused on securing the success and information necessary to be able to pull others up in the way that I wish I had been.

I haven’t found the answers yet but as I am learning to move past my failures, I promise to share the life lessons with everyone I know. I promise to care enough to teach you.

What was it that Ana left in the comments section? A quote from someone that read: I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that do not work.

Man…I promise you this story has a happy ending. I can’t skip over the middle part though, it will help me to appreciate the impending splendor so much more.

Dirty Little Secrets

I have some confessions to make that I’ve been holding back for fear of shame. Here goes…

Almost Kissed

I almost kissed a man recently. Well, he almost kissed me. I was dumbfounded when he went for it. I didn’t know what to do so I jetted out of there as quickly as I could. Since we were in a public place I didn’t think about having to watch out for him making a move on me. Ever since that day I cringe when I think about it.

I feel bad. Not because of my future husband. (His behind is getting on my nerves ALREADY with all this hiding out crap. Come out of hiding, whoever you are, because we have work to do!)

And…Not because I dissappointed God, because I didn’t really.

I feel bad because it seems that men just see me as sex objects or something they want to possess. If I don’t give them what they want, they get pissed and move on. I feel bad because I can’t believe I didn’t know that he was trying to come on to me. I was being naiive thinking he thought I was cool.

I’m thinking of becoming a nun.

It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I spend so much time in communication with God that I figured, “This must be what nuns do.” I like it.

I want to hide God inside of me. I want to horde him and have him all to myself. I don’t know if I want to be a part of this crazy world. I already feel like I’m not. I love the way He loves and takes care of me. I want Him to live in me, continuing to encourage me and guide me in a most loving way.

Maybe I don’t have to be a nun to have all of that, but if I were a nun, my only job would be to seek His face.

I don’t know how this new vision lines up with my old vision of being a swinger. I’ll have to pray about that.

I still think about my BBDD sexually.

I still think he’s attractive and sometimes I sit and remember how we used to be “friends”. He was my number one hanging partner in college. Even though he will probably say he never loved me and he never respected me and so on…He’s lieing. We loved each other once upon a time.

I feel like one of those butch lesbians because I’m so dominating.

If it were my choice, I would be one. That’s how I know you don’t choose your sexuality. I think it’s a spirit and a natural preference just like your preferences for certain foods. The only thing is…the thought of seeing a vagina up close disgusts me.

I sure do appreciate the beauty and sexiness of a woman. There’s nothing like it!

I want to be submissive.

But I haven’t found anyone strong enough to submit to. It’s really about trust. I don’t trust anyone enough to listen to them completely and honor them in that way. But I’d like to. I’m tired of being the driver and telling everyone what to do and making all of the demands for what I know I deserve.

I’d like to sit back and stop being the MAN eventually. I want to be a lady. A prissy, can’t even touch the doorknob, “my baby is too precious to walk in the rain” type of lady. And I want to sit down and serve my king like I’m his number one lady in waiting. I love to serve!

I’ll wear anything you like. Booty shorts and a halter top? The pink ones or the blue ones, babe? A maid’s outfit? Sure…as long as I don’t really have to clean. I’m sooo into role playing honey. As long as you take good care of me, I want your happiness and pleasure to be a top priority in my life. Anything you ask will be replied with, “Whatever pleases you sir.” LOL! It’s funny but I am being so serious. I don’t want control all the time.

Ahh… My secret desires…served nice and hot with a soda on the side.

I was BORN to do this!

I know people everywhere struggle with realizing their purpose in life. I guess I’m blessed to have always known what I was purposed to do.

I don’t call myself a journalist, I call myself an inspirational journalist. I do this because every piece that I write has a message of hope and empowerment. My mission is to give to others the very things I seek most; love, acceptance, encouragement, honor.

I am blessed to be able to connect with others who see the promise in me. I am blessed to be able to deliver an outstanding product through God who works through me.

Through the development of my website I will admit, I was a little nervous because I’m not a powerhouse like BAW. I don’t have a respected person like The Radio Man to vouch for me. As I reach out to successful people for interviews and partnerships I have to convince them to believe in me when they have no real proof of what I can do or who I am.

It’s a little unnerving if I think of things in the natural realm but as I realize that God is backing me, even through my imperfections, I am secure in knowing that I will get to the place where I know I deserve to be.

I’m filled with love and honor for God right now because I just got off the phone with Rob & Keisha, the now infamous couple from the slide show. I contacted them for an interview hoping to sell the story to a publication and make money to feed myself. So far, none of the publications have gotten back to me and my sister suggested that I use the story on my own website. I frowned thinking, “They don’t know me. They won’t believe in my dream. Why should they?”

But God does.

When she called me I was elated, but even more so after she began questioning me about my background and my intentions for the story. To date the slide show has been viewed over 60 million times by people in over 38 countries. Yes, this story is HOT!

Her personality is similar to mine in that we both are very direct with what we require and we both know what we deserve. She explained to me that so many journalists from around the country have reached out to her to get their story and she has not spoken to anyone else. She told me that she is a very private person and that she didn’t want her story to be manipulated by the media, she wanted someone she could trust. She said that she trusts that God will protect her interests and lead her in the right direction.

Of all the journalists that contacted them, she chose me to tell her story.

We spoke for almost two hours as she recounted the details surrounding their courtship, their dating period and then the marriage proposal.

As I listened to the friendly banter between the couple, I was able to ask them key questions that brought peace to my spirit and confirmed that I too, will one day receive all of the blessings that God has for me, if I continue to seek Him and His righteousness.

By the end of the conversation, I mentioned that I would probably have follow up questions and she told me that she would like for me to call her anytime, even if it’s is not about the story.
I’m so happy for the connection in spirit.

I’m so glad that I was able to reach out to the photographer who shot the pictures and somehow we connected too. I have a feeling that the heart with which I approached him, led him to speak to the couple on my behalf and they trusted his judgement.

Even when you feel like a little ant in a big world, if you serve God in truth and trust Him, He will bring about the most fantastic reality for your life. I may not be experiencing it right now, but I know that it is coming. It’s already done. My life is blessed and I am blessed to be His honored servant.

Life’s blessings may not come the way that you envision them, but if you serve and honor God, they will come with even more glory and favor than you have ever known. Their story has taught me so much about myself and I can’t wait to honor them for blessing me and trusting me to represent them in truth.

This ability to connect with strangers and gain their trust is God’s gift to me. I love writing and editing and empowering people just as much as I love myself. This gift is a part of me and I am so thankful that I am walking in my divine destiny.

I was BORN to be an inspirational journalist and I am BAD when I do it!

Out In The Streets

Last Friday Shawna invited me to have lunch downtown. Because of the messed up directions from google maps I got lost and she had to tell me to park and she would come find me. By the time we made it downtown we didn’t have time to have lunch so she sent me off with a blessing and encouraged me to walk around and see downtown.

My biggest question is: HOW DO YA’LL KEEP THIS CITY SO CLEAN?!!!

I felt the ache of true love as I wandered through the streets of downtown like a tourist. This feeling I have…This thing I have…about this city…Man…this is a really beautiful place and it…It feels right.

I’m not sure what God has in store for me here but I’m happy to be here and I’m glad I made it safely through this leg of my journey.
I grinned when I spotted the Black Woman’s Paradise…….
The hair store!
I had to stop in and reminisce on the days when I used to be all weaved up and cracked out. I even tried on a few wigs.

Afterwards I drove back home feeling lucky to be alive. I’ve got to stop sitting in the house so much. I have to start getting out and enjoying myself before my workload increases. Life is not all about work, although I enjoy writing stories and the process of creating a story brings me pleasure.

On Saturday I woke up feeling good, but the weight of loneliness soon captured me and my spirit sank. I picked up my book, THE GAME OF LIFE, and read a few pages to remind myself of where my imagination should be.
As soon as I sat down to write my phone chimed with a text message. It was Tommy, my old friend from UF who visited me at the office when I was still working for the website. “You wanna go out tonight,” He wrote.

“You have to treat this time. I’m low on funds,” I shot back.

“Cool, I’ll call you in a little while.”
By the time he called I was laying down thinking about my future. “I’m getting off at your exit,”he told me.
“Damn boy! I’m nowhere near dressed!”
I gave him directions to my place and rushed to get ready. By the time he got here I was just putting on my lip gloss and I went outside to meet him.
He has the most warm smile I’ve ever seen.
I hopped into his truck and we greeted each other. “Ok, where are you taking me?” he asked.
“I was thinking we could go by the liquor store and pick up a bottle before we go out to the club. They don’t even check purses for weapons at this spot I’m taking you to. I’m wearing my big purse and we can hide the bottle inside because the drinks are really weak.”
“I was thinking the same thing,” he told me. “I wanted to pick you up a bottle as a late birthday present but when I went to the grocery store, they don’t sell liquor.”
“Liquor at the grocery store?
“In Chicago they sell liquor at the grocery store!”
When we got to the liquor store in Addison we walked around a little before asking a clerk to help us find a bottle.
“The state is closed,” The clerk informed us.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“In Texas after 9pm on Saturday, you can’t buy liquor.”
We walked out looking dissappointed but we rode down Beltline Road and found the spot I went to last week called Stone Trail. We went in and took a small table near the dance floor.
The music from the live band was playing softly at this point and Tommy and I looked at each other and laughed.
“We’ve come a long way from the Florida Theatre!” he announced, referring to an old club from our college days.
I laughed and he continued, “And don’t forget Sharky’s!”
I laughed and laughed. “What about Full Circle! Take it back to freshman year. That was my first college party with the Sigmas.”
“Yeah, I remember that,” he said. “This is a nice laid back atmosphere.”
“Yeah I like it too. The band is so energetic and they are really, really good.”
Tommy told me that he accepted a post doctoral position in Pasadena, California and I gasped. “You know what that means?” I asked him.
“That means that this relationship with your girl may be the real thing. Remember I told you that if you got the position and moved closer to her, it could save your romance.”
“Yeah,” he said and his eyes glazed over. I smiled and looked away. This man is in love.
“Do you have any pictures of her?” I asked.
“On my phone, yeah.” He pulled out his phone and began clicking through the pictures with pride.
“She looks Puerto Rican..” I said to him and he laughed.
“Everyone says that! She’s Black.”
I stared down at a light skinned chick with wide eyes staring back at me.
“That was New Years Eve,” he told me as he showed me a pic of her kissing him on the cheek.
“What did you guys do?”
“We went to watch the fireworks on Lake Michigan and then we went out to a couple of clubs,” he sighed and continued. “We had so much fun.”
“Did you have secks when you got home?” I asked him.
He lowered his head and laughed. “Um..I’m sure we did.”
I sighed and thought to myself, “I can’t wait to have secks again.”
“That’s how it’s supposed to be Tommy,” I said to him. “You’re supposed to be with someone who you can have fun with. If you choose to marry someone who is your friend, you can have fun with her for the rest of your life.”
He stared down at his phone for a few moments more before snapping it shut and looking back up at me.
“I think this is it,” I assured him.
He grinned. “I think so too.”
“So tell me how you quit?” he asked. “Did you walk in there and slam the computer down and curse everyone out?!”
I died laughing. It’s funny because I left the website a few days after I last saw him when he TOLD ME SPECIFICALLY, “Don’t leave this job! This is the best job ever!”
“Naw..I just sent an email. I felt peace afterwards. You know I was sad when I was there. That wasn’t the right environment for me.”
“Well what about The Prez? Did you ever talk to him?”
“Naw…We broke up.”
He chuckled a bit before asking, “Why?”
“Cuz he ain’t remember my birthday. That shows he doesn’t care,” I said sadly.
“Does he have your number? Did he know it was your birthday?” he asked.
“No. But if he wanted to he could find out. He could ask me. He has my email.”
He shook his head at me. “Tee, it’s gonna take one special man to handle all of you.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I know.”
As the night wore on, we hesitated about getting into the swing of things. When they played the Cupid Shuffle, I grabbed his hand and led him to the dance floor. I laughed so hard! He had no idea what he was doing but he caught on quickly. He reminded me of Bill Cosby when he was dancing and I kept cracking up!
As the night wore on, the band and the DJ took turns entertaining the crowd. The band sang live and was simply marvelous. At times I stopped dancing just to watch them perform. It was so different from going out in Atlanta. When they played the Snap Ya Fingaz song NOBODY DID IT!
Not one person screamed AAAAAAAA!!! No one threw up the Atlanta sign. These people were indifferent. ~shrugs~ Tommy and I stood on the sidelines trying our best to get the snap dance right.
He then pulled me onto the middle of the dance floor to try to show me to how to step like they do in Chicago.
I couldn’t get it but I had fun trying! When they played Doin Da Butt, and Back Dat Ass Up we got loose! We danced and danced all night long and it felt great to have that kind of release.
When my feet started hurting I knew it was time to go so I led Tommy to a spot near the exit to people watch while I rested my feet. I did see a cutie in the crowd but ofcourse I didn’t say anything. Actually I saw quite a few. The women in there were well dressed and friendly. As women walked by I kept thinking, “I’d wear that dress. Nice dress. Cute shoes. I like that outfit!”

We left shortly after and we both relaxed in his truck as he drove me home.

“Today is the day of completion,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, 7-7-07. But…I don’t feel like anything has been completed.”
“Yes it has. Today you realized that your girl is the one for you. You weren’t so sure the last time we saw each other. Now you know. And I KNOW because you’re sitting next to a fine, sexy sista right now and all you can think about is her. That’s love.”
He looked over at me with a half-smile. “You’re right.”
When we pulled up to my apartment I wished him well on his trip to California and thanked him for taking me out.
“I really needed this,” I told him.
“I needed this too,” he said. “See ya later Tee.”
“Bye Tommy.”
I came inside and immediately took off my bra. Ahhhh…Relief. I hate wearing a bra. I wish I didn’t have to.
I sat down on my pallet and caressed my laptop.
Tommy is a nice guy. He’s living such a blessed life because he constantly makes the right decisions. He has a good heart too. I know he’s going to do well in life.
His family is going to be just like The Cosby’s.