Month: January 2004

It’s a brand new year…

It’s a brand new year and I’m drawing a blank as to what this year will bring. I finished school and I have no idea what’s next. I’ve been in school for almost 20 years, it’s all I know. And even for these past few years I looked forward to and hoped to graduate. It was the main thing on my agenda.

Now that I have graduated I’m wondering what I’m supposed to look forward to now. I already have my family. My sons and I have made a home. I’m happy with just us.

I guess I need a job. I dont really worry about that though. There is no way God will leave me hanging like that when I have two children to take care of. So, I’m sending out resumes faithfully, hoping that the job God has for me will surface soon.

This holiday has been filled with multiple wedding announcements of my friend’s friends. No one close to me is getting married, except for Mimi, but it seems like everyone has a friend that just got engaged.

How do I feel about that? Never jealous… just gets me thinking a lot. I’m so used to being alone, I can’t imagine having a man in my life. Honestly, I dont think I need a man for anything but sex. I can’t imagine any other benefit than that.

Actually, I can. I feel like my husband’s vision and my vision will be tied. I can see us together, writing, motivating and uplifting. I mean, the whole purpose of waiting on God for a husband is so that God’s will for my life can be accomplished and not my own. And if God’s plan is for me to be married, then I would assume my marriage will be a partnership and ultimately God’s plan will be for OUR lives. So… I’ll get a husband to further God’s kingdom.

With this whole no-dating revelation, I get worried sometimes. Not that I’m wrong and I’m making a mistake but I can’t imagine how I will be excited about marrying someone I dont know. ANd what worries me more is how he would be excited about marrying me.

No, I’m not some sad case, I know I’m a cool chick. Most guys think I’m cool, ghetto and demanding. I used to have guy friends, not anymore. I try to keep it that way because the line between friendship and fornication can become invisible when we’re alone and I am so tired of casual sex. I’m worth so much more than that. I always end up hurt anyway.

Even though the promise of a wonderful husband is a really nice thought, I’ve never been enough for any man in my past. Too much of this…too little of that. I know that my husband will be great but he’ll still be a man, capable of anything.

So, who is getting engaged next?

Tonight I asked my Mama if she thought I represented Christ. She said No.

This shook me because I was thinking the same thing. I think I hang onto my friends who are not strong in Christ and shy away from the seemingly Holy women at church is because I feel like they will be boring and not understand me.

Maybe I’m wrong. I love my friends but with the exception of one, most of them are living lives that I think are compromising, yet they love Christ. They all love God, but they do their thing and say that they are trying and God still loves them. I believe that to be true, God still loves them. So, I dont know what to say.

My Mama says that all my greatest moments should be celebrated on my knees giving honor to God, not with a full bar like I had at my graduation party.

So, what is a true Christian? How do I really represent Christ? By keeping my face in the Word, never having another drink and never thinking about a husband? I already stay in the house 24/7, I don’t date, I am joined to a church, I’m not wild like I was, I never hang out with anyone really. I’m not bad.

My heart says I am saved and I can see the change in my life. I know God loves me and covers me. Still, why don’t I represent Christ? What else do I have to do?

I dont know.

I dont know anything right now. Everything is up in the air. I don’t know what type of job I will have. I don’t know what this year will bring. I don’t know how I should feel right now. I’m nervous.

I’ve always had this master plan. I still do, it’s just…how do I get there?

Graduating definately has taken its affect on me. I realize that there are no more assignments to do and no more due dates. No more looking forward and hoping for graduation because I’ve done that. What next?

I’m sad and a little scared. I mean I know I’m going to be fine. I always am, no one doubts that, I just…I don’t know what’s about to happen and it’s so weird feeling like this.

What am I going to do? Who am I going to be? Man, I don’t know.

You wouldnt believe it to look at me but I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak when it came to relationships. I dont know if anyone can relate but the men I have given my body to all seem to run away soon after.

They crushed hard and so did I and then once the moment of lust was over they lost interest in me. This always caused me to wonder what was wrong with me. Why couldnt I get any man to want me, to want to be with me? It would send me into bouts of depression, always hoping that I would never allow myself to be hurt like that again.

But it did happen, again and again. “This will be different,” I told myself. It never was.

I was giving away my husband’s gift to men who never deserved it, in hopes that one day I would be enough for someone. The relationship with my children’s father was no differeft. Full of hope and hurt on both of our parts. What we wanted out of a relationship was never received but we could never let go, hoping that things would change. It never did.

Now, something just hit me. None of those men would ever be satisfied with me and I could never be satisfied by them. The only man that would ever look at me and see my treasure is the man that God has for me. God DOES have someone special for you and I can’t say when it will happen, all I know is until God sends that person, there will be much heartache each time you give your heart to others.

Yes, men were running away from me, and it was all a part of God’s plan. He kept them away. He protected me somewhat, even after my foolish decisions, and He saved me from uniting with someone who could not join with me and allow me to accomplish God’s will for my life.

See, God has a specific purpose for you. No person’s purpose is greater than the next. And if God’s plan for you is to be married and you allow Him to prepare you, to love you, to heal your wounds, you will receive all that He has intended for you. Yes, I mean love and purpose. A love that you or I can not imagine. There is such a thing as true love, but it won’t happen by chance or by luck.

True love is attained when you allow God to love you and you put your hope in Him, not hoping for love, because it is already there.

Yo!

I have been revived! Since I graduated I’ve been feeling dreadful and nervous and unsure but I have got my joy back. Sure, I dont have a job yet and no idea what is about to happen to me but I’m sure its gonna be good!

The enemy keeps whispering that I need to think about my past, my mistakes my heartache but you know what, I’m just not gonna listen.

I have a WONDERFUL future ahead of me. I’m NOT old yet. I have plenty to look forward to. Things will be just fine.

Cuz you know, it’s not my decision what happens to me. God didn’t save me to live a miserable life. Those areas I struggle in like trusting men, trusting new women to come into my life and totally submitting and releasing everything to God, those things will take root and flourish. Life is not a race from one goal to the next.

It’s not about how much I accomplish right now, or my next project or who hurt me in the past, it’s about right now, being in God’s will, having God be pleased with me and raising two amazing sons that will ultimately be a blessing to God.

Yeah, I like that. Everything will be alright. It has to be, I’m a princess.

When did I grow up?

Why doesnt 30 seem old anymore?

Do I really have two kids?

Are most of my friends really 25 and over?

Do I have a college degree already?

Why is everyone getting engaged?

Why do I look at my bestfriends from highschool and think, “Who are you? We’re so different.”

Why am I starting to consider dieting and weight loss?

Wow! I am really running my own household!

Dang! I done did it. I’m a grown-up.

This is overwhelming.

Another day, another struggle.

For the longest time I have been running away, literally, from the women at my church. They are all nice, sweet, generous, blah, blah, blah but I just dont vibe with any of them.

It may be my fault. I dont give any of them a chance. When they ask me to hang out, I say no immediately. Last night I spoke with Labreia, this girl from church who is trying to befriend me. I feel so sad for her because I’m not the easiest person to befriend. My friendships just happen. I dont work at it. I dont call people and make an effort, me and my girls just click.

But she has been trying very hard to be my friends and love on me and I have been like, “great. im so excited.”

Shes nice and even my Pastor told me that i should develop a relationship with her. I was like, “great. im so excited.”

See, I dont think friendships should be forced. I HATE being forced into a little box. I feel like my Pastor is saying, “Choose your friends from among these women.” And I’m rebelling because I dont want to choose from them. I have friends already. Even though I never hang out with them or really talk to them, Im cool like that.

When I told Labreia about being by myself all the time she asked me, “Are you depressed?” LOL

I thought that was funny because it is quite the opposite. I ENJOY having my place to myself, no interruptions, no clothes on, no distractions. I can just chill and be me and not answer the phone if I dont want to, which is often.

Am I a freak because I dont like to hang out with people? I spent so many years as the center of attention, always surrounded by ppl, I am enjoying this time alone. Labreia says I am being selfish.

My Pastor feels like I should develop relationships with women of God in our church. Man, I dont want to.

It’s like showing up at the movie theatre and saying, “I’ll see whatever movie is playing.” No one does that. You go to the theatre when a movie intrigues you and makes you want to see the whole thing. No one at my church has intrigued me to where I want to see what they are about outside of church. I can’t force myself to be interested.

~sigh

The thrill is gone…

I have no more sex drive. I dont desire sex anymore. I know it sounds weird but I realize that outside influences directly affected my desire to have sex. Since I try to cut back on sexual images and influences through tv and music I dont really think about sex anymore.

Those times in the past that i have slipped up and had sex have come from putting myself in a position of compromising what I knew I shouldnt do. Im not lonely. I dont want a man. I’m not a freak anymore, but when one is close I do what Im used to which is become intimate. Its not like Im fornicating on the regular. I can count how many times Ive had sex in the past 2 1/2 years on a few fingers, but even so, I’m not proud of the choices I made. And I have to live with the knowledge that I dissappointed God again and again.

Some friends say i am extreme in my position to never be around men. I think its just my safety net. I have to do what have to do.

Im wiser now. And so much less sexually interested than I was before. Dont worry. Ill be fine.

Who am I?

I know its like, 2 in the morning but Im still up as a result of a luscious nap I took this afternoon.

All this time I have now, with no school, no assignments due and no real work has got me in this majorly introspective mood.

I mean, Im always thinking about myself, how others perceive me and how I treat others and I must admit Im very critical of myself. I try not to be because this constant self-evaluation puts you in a place of never being satisfied with yourself.

I look at myself, where I wanted to be at this age and where I am and I am proud of all that Ive done. I may be a few years late on some of my goals but I know that since Christ came into my life, I am on the track to accomplishing more than I ever dreamt of.

I truly believe that the key to happiness is to delight yourself in the Lord and I am striving for that. I want to define for myself what fun in Christ is. I want to always be open to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I want to ppl to know that just because I am a single mother and a Christian, these labels that I wear all the time, I am still a woman with a vision and fears and doubts.

I do love myself, now more than ever before, I only want to be better in Christ. I want to please God so much.

I’ve always been this person that could never see the sunshine because of a tiny cloud. I know that. I dont like it but its me. If I have a success and I see something about myself that i dont like, I can not even enjoy the happiness of my accomplishment because i’m so busy focusing on what went wrong. This has caused limited happiness in my life because nothing ever goes perfectly.

What do I want? I want to be happy. I want to laugh. I want to enjoy my friends. I want to write, be a star and raise amazing sons. I want more children. I want a georgeous husband. I want to make a difference in someone’s life through my relationship with Christ. I want to be able to enjoy it without always noticing the loose thread that no one can see but me.

Most of all I want to make my mama proud of me. I never felt like she was until recently. I’m 24 yrs old and I have to achieve for myself. Sometimes I would think my happiness would come through success. I dont anymore.

I dont stress my looks. I feel like Im pretty cute. My body isnt nearly as nice as it was when I was 19 but hey, with the right attitude and outfit anyone can be tight.

I want to inspire you. I want to change your world. I want you to know that you are loved and this whole Christian thing is not something youshould run away from, its something you should embrace.

Christ is REAL. It’s not some hocus pocus and fake ideology. Before I even picked up a Bible I experinced Christ for myself. Without a Bible or a church I still have God.

I wish I could shake you and wake you and make you understand just how powerful a relationship with Christ is. It’s not what you saw when you were going to church as a child. It’s not the ppl you believed were faking it. Its really what you want it to be. You make your relationship with God. You determine how much of an impact He has on your life. I have determined that He will be the source of everything I do.

God, I want you so much. I love you so much. I want o be better for you. To make you happy, to see you one day and have you hold me and tellme you’re proud of me. I love you, Lord. I’m your daughter. You honored me by choosing me. You didnt reject me. You didnt leave me after I told you I cared. You’re not man. You’re something more and I want even more than I have now.

Please help me to see your perfect will for my life. Please put ppl in my pat who will guide me into true obedience and happiness in you.

Thank you for an amazing church home that challenges me. I get mad all the time because I feel like I should be left alone but you know what I need. Give me the ability to let go and receive what you have for me through them. You know my heart; To help, to comfort, to influence righteously. Lord, help me to allow my heart’s desire to be shown through my actions, which is more important than my intentions.

I’m here. I’m willing. I’m open. Look at me. Receive me. Mold me. Please.

I am being challenged. I am being changed.

Right now there is so much going on in my mind that i lose sleep over it. I recognize myself but I dont.

I know that it is time to step up in my walk with God. I know there is more, a higher level to achieve. I know that a lot of my growth will come through the relationships that I am a part of but I dont know how to start.

My Pastor says to prepare my heart to receive the women of God that God wants to bring into my life. However, my preconception of women of God scares me to death. I picture them as holy-rollers who can’t talk about anything but the Bible, look down on other ppl who arent as saved as they are and having this weird kind of preppy school girl fun. All slumber parties and giggles and matching t-shirts. The In-Crowd at church. I am afraid that by joining myself to them I will become just what I always thought was so annoying.

“Wel, Praise the Lord!” being spoken behind every sentence, ridiculous grins plastered across their faces at all times. Just cheesy.

And with my two oldest friends things are slipping away. You know, the ppl you would run to with every detail of your life, ask their advice, be encouraged. I never thought it would come to the day where I am questioning if my two bestfriends should be such an instrumental part of my life.

It’s always been Ms. Tee, Tamara and Anna. No matter where we were. No matter who else came into our lives. It was always us three. Lately Ive been feeling so disconnected from my two best friends. And its so weird because we never needed a physical connection for us to love and bond.

I feel like whenever I talk to them they dont understand where I am trying to go in Christ. I dont believe they want to sabotage me and get me away from God, they just advise me based on what they know of God, but I’m trying to go much further in obedience and purity. I cant turn to them and expect to be provoked to righteousness. I cant give them my heart anymore and it hurts so much.

I want us to walk through this together but we are all on different pages and I feel like I am losing them. I know I compromise when I am around them, not because they encourage me to, but they allow me to.

I realize that we all are still growing but I never thought we’d grow apart. I feel so disconnected from them, to the point that I question the foundation of our friendships. Were we really as tight as we thought we were?

If I am not a part of my trio, then what am I a part of?