NaNoWriMo Loser (sorta)
So we’re at the end of the NaNoWriMo challenge and I am only at 33,000 words. I needed 50,000 words as you all know so I didn’t quite make my goal. No, my name won’t be among the list of “winners” listed on the website, but I still feel like a winner.
When I first started writing for the challenge, can u believe it, I was quite challenged. I really had a rough time making stuff up. I mean, I’m not that good of a liar, although I’m great at embellishing things. I began to question my life’s goals.
If you take out my senior book from highschool, you’ll see that I’ve written that my life’s goals were:
Be married and have 2 kids by the time I am 30.
Be a motivational speaker.
Be a best selling novelist with a house by the sea.
So, if writing this novel was giving me more heartache than pleasure, then wow, maybe I was wrong about one of my life’s biggest goals.
After I took my novel offline, I became a bit more discouraged. I guess I’m so used to the blogger advantage of having my thoughts read immediately that it kinda made me wonder if I would ever see the fruit of my novel. Will anyone ever read all of the words that are pouring from my heart?
But I stuck with it, not everyday like I had done before when I dreaded sitting down to the computer every night. I was actually beating myself up because I wasn’t enjoying writing fiction. I had never challenged myself in that way even though since I loved reading I figured it would be an easy thing. It wasn’t.
But once I refocused and let go of the pressure of those deadlines, I started having fun. I began to enjoy exploring myself and my characters and allowed my heart to explode onto my pages.
You know, this kinda reminds me of driving around Miami. Everytime I venture into new territory I get lost. I used to cry and pull over and get frustrated. After a few more times of losing my way, I noticed that I didn’t cry anymore. I would still get lost, but now, I’d open my eyes and look around to get familiar with the area and try to remember all the buildings that I saw, so next time it wouldn’t be so unfamiliar. And every single time I found my way home.
Even when you’re lost there’s something to be gained. There’s a lesson to be learned, new territory for you to conquer.
I must admit, I have a hard time cataloguing my growth with so many occurrences that look like failures staring me in my face. But each time I catch myself drifting off into the abyss of depression, I remind myself that I am not lost, I am only driving through unfamiliar territory. And next time I pass through here, I’ll know exactly which way to go.
From me to you, on your darkest day. When you feel like you ain’t shit. When you feel like you’re being fake and no one knows who you really are. When you feel like damn, I wish someone could know and appreciate the REAL me. I wish I could be myself. I wish I could just be allowed to stop putting on a show. When you start thinking that maybe being nice isn’t the way to go. When you look in the mirror and the person you’re looking at is far from the person you want to see.
Please remember, it’s not over yet. You still have time to adjust your goals and create new dreams. There are people in your life who really love you, though they may not say it as much as you need to hear it.
You’re not done. This life is not over. There’s no excuse for giving up. There’s nothing wrong with adjusting your plans. Every set goal is not going to be achieved. There is room for error and a chance to make it right.
You have time. You have a purpose. You are beautiful and special.
And if no one has told you today, I love you.
I love you because you stop by to check on me. I love you because you care enough to send an encouraging word. I love you because I appreciate the love you send my way by accepting me and my many faults and loving me regardless. It’s all love up in here baby as you sift through my heartache, my delight, my drama and allow me to be a part of yours.