We suffer in silence.
Primarily because everyone around us is telling us that we are being weak because we can’t stand up for ourselves. We don’t think anyone will believe our stories, so we rarely tell. We shield ourselves from the judging eyes and pity by pretending everything is okay.
But then, after the kids are asleep, the dishes are put away and the house is silent, we are left to deal with the ramifications of the spirit killer.
They come in many different names but the result is still the same. They attempt to break you down by using their words to diminish your spirit.
I’ve dealt with verbal/emotional abuse all of my life. It started with my parents then moved on to my children’s father and then after much trauma and heartache I realized that I had dealt with various levels of spiritual abuse at my former church home.
What makes me so susceptible to people who seek to control me and kill my spirit? Do I seek them out? Can they recognize me in a crowd?
I try to run away but I just repeat my mistakes with different faces.
From having to hear, “you’re worthless” to being told, “maybe one day you’ll be worthy to wear my name” to learning from my old church home that strict obedience to our Pastor is the same as being obedient to God- all situations where I yearned to do right and please others, but in the end I ended up being taken for a fool.
The difficult part to grasp is, I don’t know how to stop it. In fact, some of my friends blame me for allowing it to go on. One friend said, “You teach people how to treat you. And you taught him that this is acceptable. He’ll never stop.”
After hearing words like that, I just kept the abuse to myself
I received the following email from my children’s father tonight. This is a follow-up to a conversation where he told me that a nanny could care for the kids in the same way I do.
YOU ARE A DISGRACE. YOU ARE WORSE THAN A NANNY. AT LEAST THE NANNY WOULD TAKE THE PARENTS MONEY TO SPEND ON THE CHILD. YOU WON’T EVEN DO THAT!
YOU DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO GET SHIRTS FOR SCHOOL, WHICH I WILL PAY FOR, YET YOU CAN WRITE ON THE WEB EVERY DAY?! YOU CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS, BUT YOU CAN AFFORD TO GO TO A KANYE WEST CONCERT AND BUY A CAMCORDER?!
YOU CAN’T AFFORD A BASKETBALL NET, YET HAVE THE NERVE TO THREATEN TO THROW AWAY THE ONE I BOUGHT FOR MY SON?! YOU ARE A LOSER!
NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I MET ANYONE SO CONCERNED ABOUT THEMSELVES THAT THEY WOULD HURT THEIR CHILDREN.
LISTEN GOOD: YOU CAN’T HAVE ME AND NEVER DID! I NEVER LOVED YOU OR RESPECTED YOU, AND NOW I CAN’T EVEN STAND YOU! SO GET OVER IT, GROW UP, AND DO MORE THAN LIP SERVICE TO “RAISING MY CHILDREN”. YOU ARE PATHETIC, YOU LOOK HORRIBLE, AND WHAT’S WORSE IS THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE IT. YES, I’M SAYING THIS TO HURT YOU, BUT ITS STILL TRUE! IT WON’T DO ANY GOOD HOWEVER BEACUSE YOU LACK THE CAPACITY FOR GROWTH. EVERYONE WHO KNOWS YOU, EVEN YOUR “FRIENDS” AGREE.
DESPITE THIS, I TAKE CARE TO SEE MY SONS GET THE BEST I CAN GIVE THEM. RATHER THAN YOU HELPING, YOU MAKE EXCUSES. I’VE BEEN TOLD YOU PROBABLY STILL HURT. I DON’T CARE, NEVER HAVE, NEVER WILL! I AM THE TIGHTEST DUDE YOU’LL EVER MEET, AND YOU ARE THE WORSE BROAD I EVER TOUCHED. GIVE IT UP!
ITS OK THOUGH!
EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN SEE HOW YOU TRY TO MANIPULATE ME BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN TOUCH ME. BUT YOU STILL CAN’T!! I STILL LEAD A WONDERFUL LIFE WITH MY WONDERFUL SONS WHO WILL LIKLEY GROW TO BE ASHAMED OF YOU AND THE WAY YOU BEHAVE! FOR YOUR SAKE, SO YOU DON’T GET IGNORED WHEN MY SONS COME TO STAY WITH ME, I SUGGEST YOU STOP BEING YOU, AND GROW INTO SOMETHING BETTER. (ONLY HOPEFUL)
YOU ARE PTITFUL PERSON, AND IT HURTS ME THINK THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY ALWAYS BE. THANK GOD HE DIDN’T GIVE YOU A DAUGHETR OF MINE. GOD FORBID THERE BE A WOMAN LIKE YOU IN THE WORLD WHO HAS MY LAST NAME. I’LL DROP OF MY SON’S SHIRTS TOMORROW AFTER I MAKE TIME TO GO GET THEM.
This wasn’t the first letter like this. I have many more with the same spirit. I face this spirit so often that I live in a zombie like state.
He reads this blog. He knows my thoughts, my fears, my mistakes, my hopes in the same way all of you do. I could spend all night debating his claims but there is no need to. No matter what happens he will find a way to criticize and try to hurt me. When I become a millionaire he will still have negative things to say, I have accepted that. It doesn’t mean it no longer hurts.
People say I need to curse him out, key his car, fight him and all this nonsense. But it’s really not my style. Anna says that he will continue to abuse me in this way because he knows I will not fight back.
I do fight back. But not in the way that he wants me too.
I fight with prayer. I have been for many years.
He was the same way when we were together. He would whisper insults in my ear and walk away. “If I wasn’t going home with you tonight, I’d be fucking her!”
I’d flip out and cuss and fuss and people would only see my reaction. They never saw or heard a word he said. So I’m the one looking like a deranged fool.
I don’t want this man dead, I want him healed and delivered from whatever it is that is making him be so horrible to me.
It seems like my prayers are not being heard because he has not changed yet but I KNOW that the God I love will rescue me from this monster. His words make me question myself all the time. And you wonder why I hate men? If all of the men I look up to abuse me, how can I trust again?
Sometimes I get weary from holding on in faith. I try to stay positive and remind myself that no matter what comes from him, I have two wonderful boys who love their mother. So I know all males aren’t bad.
I wanted this year to begin on a positive note but it seems like the harder you try to do right, the more shit you are given.
Why do you even care, Ms. Tee? I don’t give a damn what my Baby Daddy says about me.
I don’t know. All I know is that I wish I had a chance to heal, but it’s impossible when the person who hurt you is constantly stabbing you again and again.
I want to trust again. I want to love again.
I believe God will do that for me.
I believe God wants to give me a testimony for others to see!
He is real and He cares about me.
I won’t be in this state for much longer.
In Jesus name.