I feel sooo good right now!
I always feel like this when I get off work though so almost everyday I drive home smiling…a wad of cash in my pocket.
This year my income tax went to CHILD SUPPORT…Crazy…one of my guyfriends said, “You got bills like a dude.” Sure do! But my kids are well taken care of and my BBDD is doing a great job with them.
My 9 year old called me the other day and asked me to buy him a cell phone. I smiled because I have been considering getting him one anyway but I think I’ll go slow and get him one that I have to add minutes to and see how he does with it until I can afford an extra bill. He’s so wonderful and special and I’m so glad I don’t have shady kids who try to take advantage. If I offer them money they have a hard time taking it from me.
I love who they are right now and I can not WAIT to see what kind of men they turn out to be. Maybe…just maybe my own sons will give me some hope for the male species. LOL
As of right now…I’m headed into midterms. I think I’ll do okay. I’ll pass and move on to the next level.
You know…I’m not pressured about the future anymore. I’m curious to see what will happen but things don’t have to happen exactly like I imagine it for me to be happy. I’m happy already. I decided that my one and only goal in life is to DO WHAT I LOVE DOING EVERYDAY and to BE HAPPY EVERYDAY.
If I can accomplish that…which I already have…then I’m doing okay.
I kinda love my life right now… It only took 30 years to get here but THANK GOD I’M HERE!
Oh yeah…Kim had her baby on her birthday February 22nd and my sister is PREGNANT. I went to see her yesterday and we hung out a little. Had a good time and hope to see her again soon.
Hope ure loving your life too!
I can not sleep. I am like…cant stop smiling. OMG!!!
I feel like a kid with a crush…on life!
Actually…I wanted to feel sad last night so I conjured up some sad memories but that didnt work. So I went to youtube and listened to old songs like ONE LAST CRY by Brian McKnight and ITS SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY by Boyz II Men and I cried…thinking of how much I’m changing on the inside…
My Mama asked me, “Are you still trying to be gay?”
I’m like…”No Mama.. I’m just open to the idea… Still can’t get over the whole vagina touching me thing though.” She laughed.
So A friend recommended this dating website called Plenty Of Fish and I signed up and was on it for 2 days before i got annoyed with all the men hitting me up. I deleted my account. So last week I decided to try it again…really TRYING and HOPING that maybe I could meet a guy who actually LIKES me as a person…but when I set up my profile…I paused a minute and then clicked Female Seeking Female.
I was laughing as I did it…but I couldn’t believe that there are so many WOMEN out there who only want love from a woman. Like…whoa!!!!
I looked through some profiles of women around my age and one picture really caught my attention cuz she had a great smile and very beautiful dreads. So I said Hi and we emailed for a while everyday. Finally I gave her my phone number and we talked from 11:30 pm until 4 in the morning! She’s very interesting…and I like the sound of her voice but I didnt really want to meet her. I figured I’d probably be dissappointed.
Tonight I got the biggest surprise at work when a hostess came up to me and said a friend of mine was there waiting to sit in my section but my section had been full for a long time and she wanted to seat her next to my section because we were closing. I had no idea who she was talking about and I was busy so I just said, “Yeah. Whatever.”
But when I got to the table my eyes got wide when I saw it was the girl from the dating website. We had told each other where we worked and she had come to meet me and surprise me!
She was even better looking in person and I found myself blushing as I took her order. I gave her the food, checked back on her and everything and we were both grinning like two little kids. It was so funny!
Before she left she gave me a great tip and stood up…I was like WOW…she has a very fit body. Then she walked over to me and gave me the sweetest kiss on the cheek. I was dumbfounded.
What the hell???
She’s so…..different…Like one of the first things she said when we talked on the phone was, “I don’t like ghetto people.” I was like “What? I’M GHETTO HOE!” She just laughed! She was raised in a boarding school in Jamaica and says she only works because she has a traveling habit thats he supports.
But I do like talking to her and I have thought of her in a sexually physical way but I don’t know if I can go through with it and my Mama says not to play with these girls feelings and I don’t want to either but I am curious to see what it’s like to LIKE a woman and if they would appreciate me more than the men in my past.
I don’t LIKE her yet but…she’s very pretty to me, nice dark skin, beautiful dreads and a great smile and attitude. This is crazy…
The only reason I am writing about this is because my friend Rosa told me I should…
So now I’m having trouble typing. Lets see what happens.
So….School is going just fine! A month left before summer break! Blah blah blah…
I’m watching The L Word as I type this and there’s a sex scene on and Im like…ughhhh…
I dont know what the fuck anymore…i suck at this lesbian thing. I don’t want to touch another woman’s vagina man… But I still think girls are way sexier than men. I dont get it… Im a little sad…I was very hopeful thinking about being a lesbian…
But wait…the reason why I have fake nails….
See what had happened was….I met an older man and I kinda liked him so we started talking and I liked him a little bit more…and we actually get along quite well….So you know me..I cussed him out and pushed him away.
But then a week later he calls me back anyway trying to calm me down and I told him that I never want to see him again. But he talks me out of it…and I talk to him again…cuz I like talking to him actually. He’s very calm and smart and we read all the same types of books.
So…the other day he calls me early and asks me out. Ofcourse I tell him no. “You got on my nerves and I don’t want to see you,” I tell him.
He tells me that he will talk to me later. I hang up and tell Tamara the story and she asks me to give him another chance. “Tee, he may not be trying to hurt you. Just see what he’s about.”
So I text him: I would like to spend time with you today.
Him: What would you like to do?
Me: Go to the mall, get my mani & pedi and go to lunch.
Him: Get ready.
He arrives on time and I’m looking great even though I’m wearing a shirt that someone was gonna throw AWAY! LOL but i can make it look hot. He’s super impressed with me and I can tell he’s like…captivated by my looks and shit. Which I don’t mind at all…especially from someone who I find attractive as well.
The whole day feels like a dream. We arrive at the nail shop (He chose) and walk in and I ask for a pedicure and a full set because he says he likes fake nails. As I’m getting my feet scrubbed he’s smiling at me and even snapped a few pictures with his camera phone. He is so funny!
It felt so good to be the girl at the nail shop with the handsome man waiting on me in the lobby. He didn’t even mind waiting in fact he looked excited as hell! While I was getting these fake shits on my fingers he stood over the nail tech…watching and smiling and describing how he wants me to get my nails done.
“Don’t forget your eyebrows,” he reminds me and I smile.
After getting my eyebrows waxed…he was beaming as he paid the bill. The lady who did my eyebrows comes up to me and says, “You’re very pretty. Prettier than the other girls he’s brought in here.”
I was in shock. “What?” I asked her.
“Oh. Don’t worry,” she said. “It’s been a long time. At least 3 or 4 months.”
We both laughed about it in the car on the way to the mall. I didn’t care that he took other women there- if that’s how he treats his girls…I’m all for it.
On the way there he explained to me that there are four crucial areas a woman ALWAYS has to have groomed; her eyebrows, nails, feet and cootchie. “It’s a part of hygiene,” he explained then added. “I love it when I see that on a woman! And I’m willing to take care of it for you because that’s what I like to see.”
Our conversations are so smooth. He reminds me to be patient and trust in the Universe. Sometimes when I’m with people, I’ll get quiet and zone out for a minute, lost in my own little universe. Most people get upset when they see me do that…they want all the attention to themselves…but him.
I guess he caught me zoning out and instead of trying to shake me out of it I heard him say, “Let me put on some thinking music for you. He reached down by my feet to grab his CD case and put on the sweetest, most soothing New Age music I have ever heard! We were both smiling and vibing to the great energy music. It was like heaven.
Once we reached the mall we went straight to the Cheescake Factory to eat. Our booth was situated right near the door but it was still private. We had a great view of the entrance to the restaurant and he asked me to come sit next to him on his side of the booth.
We’re talking and sitting there holding hands when right outside our window a white girl falls to the ground. Moments later a hostess runs out and starts checking her pulse. Then she starts CPR on the lady, her eyes turning black as people stop and stare.
Our food arrives at the table and my date is looking so concerned about the lady on the ground that he asks, “Should I be eating while this is happening?!”
The police show up. Then the paramedics and all of this happening less than 3 feet away from us on the opposite side of the window! When they carry her away on the stretcher we’re both pretty shook up.
“Did we just watch someone almost die?” He asks.
“No. She’s okay. Let’s eat so we can go.”
We walked into the mall and had a great time. ~wink~ Now that I’m thinking back on it, he’s very affectionate. He likes to be touched. He likes to hold hands… WHERE DID THIS DUDE COME FROM? It’s like he thinks I’m a shining star and he’s so glad to have caught me.
I’m not used to this…
I keep trying not to think about all the crazy things that he could do wrong…or how he could be lieing about who he is but honestly…this dude hasn’t even tried to have secks with me. I asked him why and he said he wants to be sure its right when we decide to do it.
IS THIS A DREAM???
This man is 40 years old. Like…really…what’s happening here?
Anyway…we walk hand in hand through the mall like we’re a couple and I’m freaked out a little by this. It feels good…too good to be true.
After we shop for minor things for me…we head back to my place and talk a bit on the drive. I’m still feeling weird because we ran into his cousin at the mall and when he introduced me he said, “This is my girl…”
I gotta figure out what’s wrong with this dude. Why is he so into me like this? I know we connect on a mental level but he’s way too fresh and way too handsome to be all goo goo over me like that. No one ever is.
Something must be wrong… Wait. Maybe something isn’t wrong.. Maybe he’s JUST THAT INTO ME.
And these fake nails sure do look pretty…but they are gonna take time getting used to….just like him.
OMG! I just saw an excercise that was soo cool that I just HAD to come and do it…
It’s an appreciation game… Maybe you should try it to raise your vibration…
Conversation with your 15 year old SELF…
Imagine you can float into your past in order step into the dreams of your 15 year old self. Your task is to tell her (Or him) about all of the amazing things that will happen later in life. What would that conversation be like?
~cue dreamy music~
Big Tee: ~whispering~ Hey girl….
Lil Tee: Huh? Who is that? MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big Tee: Shh… Be quiet girl. Mama is sleepin and Teenie can’t hear me. No one can but you…
Lil Tee: HELP!!!!
Big Tee: Shh…Calm down. Listen you’re dreaming and I came to talk to you.
Lil Tee: Who are you?
Big Tee: I’m from the future.
Lil Tee: LOL! Yeah right!
Big Tee: For real. I’m YOU…when you’re 30.
Lil Tee: You’re ME…when I turn 30? For real? Where are you? I can’t see you.
Big Tee: It doesnt matter. Just listen.
Lil Tee: OK.
Big Tee: Girl…I know you’re in 10th grade and all and you’re wondering about a lot of things but let me tell you….you have a GREAT life ahead of you!
Lil Tee: For real? I’m so scared. There’s so much I want to do and I don’t know how to get there…
Big Tee: I know…I was like that for a long time and honestly…its gonna take YEARS for you to get out of the fear of the future but lemme tell you…it’s a great ride!
Lil Tee: Um…Am I gonna go to college?
Big Tee: YES GIRL! You’re gonna get into UF and you’re gonna have so much fun that you’ll fail a couple classes!
Lil Tee: Oh no!
Big Tee: Don’t worry…You get things back on track after you have two kids.
Lil Tee: TWO KIDS!!! With who?
Big Tee: This man you meet at UF. He’s not good for you and you know it but you hang in there anyway and have his kids. But they’re so wonderful that you re grateful everyday that you met their father.
Lil Tee: Who is he? Is he fine?
Big Tee: Um…it doesnt matter. And yes…you think he’s very handsome.
Lil Tee: Does he love me? I always wondered if anyone would ever love me.
Big Tee: Yes. He does. But not as well as you deserve. And you move on…
Lil Tee: Hmm…What do I look like?
Big Tee: You’re fine as hell. You have an afro. Your body is in great shape and everyone keeps asking you if you model and you laugh because you’re an intellectual.
Lil Tee: Do I graduate college?
Big Tee: Yes you do! And you even go on to grad school to become a therapist.
Lil Tee: A therapist?!! Wow..for real?
Big Tee: Yeah man…you should see you now….learning and loving life everyday. You’ve learned how to be happy all the time and it’s an amazing life!
Lil Tee: What about Tamara and Anna? Are we still best friends?
Big Tee: You talk to Anna every once in a while but you and Tamara still talk EVERY DAY! LOL
Lil Tee: Good. I love her. She’s my friend.
Big Tee: She’s gonna stay your friend forever too.
Lil Tee: What else good happens?
Big Tee: Well…you become a journalist for real and get paid to write articles and travel and you work for a magazine and then a newspaper and then a website.
Lil Tee: ~crying~ I knew it! I knew I was meant to write…
Big Tee: Hold on Tee. Your writing is so amazing that it touches people at their core and helps them to love themselves. You meet so many people. You even have fans!
Lil Tee: Fans? Wow. Thats crazy. Umm…what about Mama? Is she ok?
Big Tee; Everybody is fine. Mama lives in a house now. She bought it herself.
Lil Tee: So you’re saying everything works out fine for me?
Big Tee: Yes..but along the way you’re gonna go through so many changes that by 30 you won’t recognize yourself. Everything is gonna seem so rough…until you figure out how to be happy and you make the decision to live that way.
Lil Tee: Can you teach me how to do that now? You know..be happy. I cry all the time and I kinda hate myself right now.
Big Tee: I know…but that’s because you feel like Mama doesn’t love you. She does. In her own way. And you learn that later and you and her become friends. I can’t teach you how to be happy because you have to discover that for yourself. Besides…you’re not gonna remember this conversation when you wake up. You’ll just have this feeling that…~singing~ Every little thing is gonna be alright.
Lil Tee: WHo sings that?
Big Tee: LOL! You’ll discover Bob Marley later. You are so amazing and brilliant and before anyone else notices it…you will. I love you Tee. It’s gonna be alright girl. Just hold on. Its one adventure after another….
Wondering How To Stay
I’m trying to decide what I want to do next…
Today I got some disappointing news and it caused me to re evaluate myself. I hadn’t heard from a friend of mine in a while so I called her up to check up on her and she rushed off the phone after telling me she deleted me as a friend on facebook.
I texted her and asked how i offended her and she wrote back: You are too sad and negative and I decided not to interact with you.
That was a first in a long time. I know that’s why people were drawn to this blog way back when it first started because I seemed to have such a tragic life and I described it so well! LOL
Now…emotionally…things have leveled themselves off for me and I can step back even more and notice how my own negative thinking is affecting a situation and then decide if I want to change my thinking…
But I must admit that my vibe is STRONG and affects the whole situation around me….so I understand where she’s coming from…
Anyway…I’m not feeling well. I work so much physical labor and my body is tired. Just tired… I don’t think I should be doing all this physical work. What do I want to be doing?
I would love to get paid to do things I do all the time for fun.
I would love for it to be a work at home position.
I would love for the pay to be enough to take care of all of my immediate needs and then lots of fun on a regular basis.
I would love to feel the magic intermingling of now and the future.
Still just trying to figure out what I’m gonna do next with myself.. Kinda anxious about starting something new but wondering if I’ll even like it…
I’m so good at starting over…but I don’t know how to stay…
i’m really full of anxiety right now… so let me vent.
Wow. after writing that I already feel better…
I’m wondering if….my anxiety is caused by developing relationships. Once I feel like people are getting to know me too well…I get scared and pull away. I don’t want anyone to get to know my idiosyncracies like DEEP did. He was way too close and I got hurt in the process. I won’t let that happen again.
I just changed my number AGAIN but I just wanted to be free of all the people I’ve been dating… I want to let that go and find a new path in life…. I’m not…interested in trying to be with someone romantically. It’s not like…a priority on my to-do list anymore. It’s more like a burden because if I care what my social circle thinks then marriage or serious partnership is a measure of success.
I don’t want to define my success in life by whether or not I find a partner…. My ability to maintain a romantic relationship shouldn’t define me…should it?
like…why am I so much more calm when I’m not dating or sleeping with anyone? Why am i able to focus on my positive thinking and creative goals more? I hate who I am when I start talking to someone. i become suspicious and paranoid and I end up sabotaging the relationship because it feels so much better and safer to be alone…