Author: TPatterson

I finally finished school. I shouldnt have passed. It was all God’s favor and I didnt deserve it, but I guess that’s where His grace and mercy comes in.

Im looking forward to graduation this weekend. My girls are coming into town, Im especially excited to hang out with Tamara and Anna, my bestfriends since highschool. We rarely get a chance to get all three of us together.

Im having a party. I hate throwing parties. I’m always scared no one will come. But this time, at least I know my girls from out of town will be there. Jenny, Stephanie, Tonya, Nikki and a few more will definately be here. My Mama’s coming too. My lil sister cant make it because she has to work, yeah right. I told her to quit. She doesnt listen. Anyway, I still dont have any job offers. Im not stressing either. Im gonna wake up, drop the boys off to daycare and come back home and sleep. Ahhhh… that sounds like a plan.

Merry Christmas!

It’s Christmas morning and although my friends were afraid I would be sad and depressed because I am alone, I am not. I’m happy!

Graduation was a hot mess. That is one stressful weekend. Everyone in town, all up in your face, complaining and going through their own personal drama and nothing goes exactly how you plan it and I’m sooo glad its all over.

My girls came through though, that was lovely. I really have a lot of people who love me. Bernard came through too. I love to see that boy. I’ve known him almost as long as I’ve known my bestfriends. He means a lot to me.

My biological father came. This was the second time I had seen him since he contacted me last year. He looks like he lost weight.

So, it’s Christmas morning and I’m rocking the Christmas Cd my mama made for me and cleaning up. I have a fabulous sweater to wear to my Pastor’s house. He invited me for Christmas dinner, I guess because he heard I was all alone.

I’m alone and I’m ok.

Ahhhhh…

Life is good. I graduated a week ago. I’ve had the whole house to myself since my sons have been in Miami and I’ve been chillin. Straight chillin. Ha, ha! You have no idea how free I’ve been! I can go to Walmart whenever I want. I’ve taken my graduation money and treated myself to dinner, some new clothes and shoes and the ultimate luxury; CABLE! YAY!

Over 60 channels, BET, Lifetime, commercials, Golden Girls… I dont know what to do with myself.

Ahh…My boys come home tomorrow and I havent even missed them until just now. I’m putting away this delicious gumbo I made tonight and singing their songs:

For Sai: Hey Cutie Pie, I love my cutie Pie, I love my cute boys. I love my pride and joys. My Sugarbear is GREAT! He is so great, he’s GREAT! YAY!

For Solomon: Where’s my little Shoopa, my little Santi-Wantie, My little coo-coo pop, My little Shoo-shoo.

I just want to hug them and kiss them and tickle them and throw them on the bed. Ha, ha…

I feel good. I forgave myself for my wilding out after I graduated.

I dont have a job yet and I’m not stressing it. I’ll give myself one month before I take some random job. Until January is over, I’ll relax, pray hard and look for a job that I will enjoy doing.

I’m about to begin a brand new year. Hmm…2003 was off the chain. Growth spiritually, I graduated, a lot of healing. A confirming word about staying here in Gainesville, and best of all, peace, knowing God loves me, my kids love me and my mama is so proud of me.

Catch ya later.

When my friend Freddy wants to make me feel bad he calls me a smoker. I hate that term but the truth is I still light up.

I smoke black and milds. It’s not because I HAVE to smoke. I dont think blacks are addictive. It’s just something to do. I mean, after my sons are in bed, I sit here and chat a bit and then watch a movie and smoke a black.

I’ve stopped before and I’m in conflict because I know that this body is God’s temple which sounds like a cliche but it’s true. I confessed to my Pastor and he prayed for me. But even that same night my hands were idle and I lit up.

I hate that my mama smokes. I have asthma too. I just dont know why i still do it. I’m a saved woman of God and I’m still struggling in this area.

I hate struggling. When i go to church and the Pastor gives the word, everything seems so easy. So black and white. I walk out of there full of courage, focused and determined to please God. But when I get home and it’s just me and my boys and then they go to bed and I don’t know what to do with myself I end up doing things I shouldnt be doing.

Look, I’m not out being promiscuous and doing drugs, which sometimes makes me feel better about this “little” discrepency, but it shouldnt. Man, I want to live my ENTIRE life to give glory to God and I try, I do. I need to stop smoking.

The thing about hidden sin is its about integrity. You may think no one is watching but God is. And He is not pleased. I used to wonder how ppl could say they were saved though they sin all the time and just say, “We are all sinners. No one is perfect. God knows my heart.”

I dont know about that. God DOES know your heart but He is concerned with your actions just as much. Ppl can have the best intentions, but if their actions dont match it is pointless.

It’s a brand new year…

It’s a brand new year and I’m drawing a blank as to what this year will bring. I finished school and I have no idea what’s next. I’ve been in school for almost 20 years, it’s all I know. And even for these past few years I looked forward to and hoped to graduate. It was the main thing on my agenda.

Now that I have graduated I’m wondering what I’m supposed to look forward to now. I already have my family. My sons and I have made a home. I’m happy with just us.

I guess I need a job. I dont really worry about that though. There is no way God will leave me hanging like that when I have two children to take care of. So, I’m sending out resumes faithfully, hoping that the job God has for me will surface soon.

This holiday has been filled with multiple wedding announcements of my friend’s friends. No one close to me is getting married, except for Mimi, but it seems like everyone has a friend that just got engaged.

How do I feel about that? Never jealous… just gets me thinking a lot. I’m so used to being alone, I can’t imagine having a man in my life. Honestly, I dont think I need a man for anything but sex. I can’t imagine any other benefit than that.

Actually, I can. I feel like my husband’s vision and my vision will be tied. I can see us together, writing, motivating and uplifting. I mean, the whole purpose of waiting on God for a husband is so that God’s will for my life can be accomplished and not my own. And if God’s plan is for me to be married, then I would assume my marriage will be a partnership and ultimately God’s plan will be for OUR lives. So… I’ll get a husband to further God’s kingdom.

With this whole no-dating revelation, I get worried sometimes. Not that I’m wrong and I’m making a mistake but I can’t imagine how I will be excited about marrying someone I dont know. ANd what worries me more is how he would be excited about marrying me.

No, I’m not some sad case, I know I’m a cool chick. Most guys think I’m cool, ghetto and demanding. I used to have guy friends, not anymore. I try to keep it that way because the line between friendship and fornication can become invisible when we’re alone and I am so tired of casual sex. I’m worth so much more than that. I always end up hurt anyway.

Even though the promise of a wonderful husband is a really nice thought, I’ve never been enough for any man in my past. Too much of this…too little of that. I know that my husband will be great but he’ll still be a man, capable of anything.

So, who is getting engaged next?

Tonight I asked my Mama if she thought I represented Christ. She said No.

This shook me because I was thinking the same thing. I think I hang onto my friends who are not strong in Christ and shy away from the seemingly Holy women at church is because I feel like they will be boring and not understand me.

Maybe I’m wrong. I love my friends but with the exception of one, most of them are living lives that I think are compromising, yet they love Christ. They all love God, but they do their thing and say that they are trying and God still loves them. I believe that to be true, God still loves them. So, I dont know what to say.

My Mama says that all my greatest moments should be celebrated on my knees giving honor to God, not with a full bar like I had at my graduation party.

So, what is a true Christian? How do I really represent Christ? By keeping my face in the Word, never having another drink and never thinking about a husband? I already stay in the house 24/7, I don’t date, I am joined to a church, I’m not wild like I was, I never hang out with anyone really. I’m not bad.

My heart says I am saved and I can see the change in my life. I know God loves me and covers me. Still, why don’t I represent Christ? What else do I have to do?

I dont know.

I dont know anything right now. Everything is up in the air. I don’t know what type of job I will have. I don’t know what this year will bring. I don’t know how I should feel right now. I’m nervous.

I’ve always had this master plan. I still do, it’s just…how do I get there?

Graduating definately has taken its affect on me. I realize that there are no more assignments to do and no more due dates. No more looking forward and hoping for graduation because I’ve done that. What next?

I’m sad and a little scared. I mean I know I’m going to be fine. I always am, no one doubts that, I just…I don’t know what’s about to happen and it’s so weird feeling like this.

What am I going to do? Who am I going to be? Man, I don’t know.

You wouldnt believe it to look at me but I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak when it came to relationships. I dont know if anyone can relate but the men I have given my body to all seem to run away soon after.

They crushed hard and so did I and then once the moment of lust was over they lost interest in me. This always caused me to wonder what was wrong with me. Why couldnt I get any man to want me, to want to be with me? It would send me into bouts of depression, always hoping that I would never allow myself to be hurt like that again.

But it did happen, again and again. “This will be different,” I told myself. It never was.

I was giving away my husband’s gift to men who never deserved it, in hopes that one day I would be enough for someone. The relationship with my children’s father was no differeft. Full of hope and hurt on both of our parts. What we wanted out of a relationship was never received but we could never let go, hoping that things would change. It never did.

Now, something just hit me. None of those men would ever be satisfied with me and I could never be satisfied by them. The only man that would ever look at me and see my treasure is the man that God has for me. God DOES have someone special for you and I can’t say when it will happen, all I know is until God sends that person, there will be much heartache each time you give your heart to others.

Yes, men were running away from me, and it was all a part of God’s plan. He kept them away. He protected me somewhat, even after my foolish decisions, and He saved me from uniting with someone who could not join with me and allow me to accomplish God’s will for my life.

See, God has a specific purpose for you. No person’s purpose is greater than the next. And if God’s plan for you is to be married and you allow Him to prepare you, to love you, to heal your wounds, you will receive all that He has intended for you. Yes, I mean love and purpose. A love that you or I can not imagine. There is such a thing as true love, but it won’t happen by chance or by luck.

True love is attained when you allow God to love you and you put your hope in Him, not hoping for love, because it is already there.

Yo!

I have been revived! Since I graduated I’ve been feeling dreadful and nervous and unsure but I have got my joy back. Sure, I dont have a job yet and no idea what is about to happen to me but I’m sure its gonna be good!

The enemy keeps whispering that I need to think about my past, my mistakes my heartache but you know what, I’m just not gonna listen.

I have a WONDERFUL future ahead of me. I’m NOT old yet. I have plenty to look forward to. Things will be just fine.

Cuz you know, it’s not my decision what happens to me. God didn’t save me to live a miserable life. Those areas I struggle in like trusting men, trusting new women to come into my life and totally submitting and releasing everything to God, those things will take root and flourish. Life is not a race from one goal to the next.

It’s not about how much I accomplish right now, or my next project or who hurt me in the past, it’s about right now, being in God’s will, having God be pleased with me and raising two amazing sons that will ultimately be a blessing to God.

Yeah, I like that. Everything will be alright. It has to be, I’m a princess.

When did I grow up?

Why doesnt 30 seem old anymore?

Do I really have two kids?

Are most of my friends really 25 and over?

Do I have a college degree already?

Why is everyone getting engaged?

Why do I look at my bestfriends from highschool and think, “Who are you? We’re so different.”

Why am I starting to consider dieting and weight loss?

Wow! I am really running my own household!

Dang! I done did it. I’m a grown-up.

This is overwhelming.