It’s a brand new year…

It’s a brand new year and I’m drawing a blank as to what this year will bring. I finished school and I have no idea what’s next. I’ve been in school for almost 20 years, it’s all I know. And even for these past few years I looked forward to and hoped to graduate. It was the main thing on my agenda.

Now that I have graduated I’m wondering what I’m supposed to look forward to now. I already have my family. My sons and I have made a home. I’m happy with just us.

I guess I need a job. I dont really worry about that though. There is no way God will leave me hanging like that when I have two children to take care of. So, I’m sending out resumes faithfully, hoping that the job God has for me will surface soon.

This holiday has been filled with multiple wedding announcements of my friend’s friends. No one close to me is getting married, except for Mimi, but it seems like everyone has a friend that just got engaged.

How do I feel about that? Never jealous… just gets me thinking a lot. I’m so used to being alone, I can’t imagine having a man in my life. Honestly, I dont think I need a man for anything but sex. I can’t imagine any other benefit than that.

Actually, I can. I feel like my husband’s vision and my vision will be tied. I can see us together, writing, motivating and uplifting. I mean, the whole purpose of waiting on God for a husband is so that God’s will for my life can be accomplished and not my own. And if God’s plan is for me to be married, then I would assume my marriage will be a partnership and ultimately God’s plan will be for OUR lives. So… I’ll get a husband to further God’s kingdom.

With this whole no-dating revelation, I get worried sometimes. Not that I’m wrong and I’m making a mistake but I can’t imagine how I will be excited about marrying someone I dont know. ANd what worries me more is how he would be excited about marrying me.

No, I’m not some sad case, I know I’m a cool chick. Most guys think I’m cool, ghetto and demanding. I used to have guy friends, not anymore. I try to keep it that way because the line between friendship and fornication can become invisible when we’re alone and I am so tired of casual sex. I’m worth so much more than that. I always end up hurt anyway.

Even though the promise of a wonderful husband is a really nice thought, I’ve never been enough for any man in my past. Too much of this…too little of that. I know that my husband will be great but he’ll still be a man, capable of anything.

So, who is getting engaged next?

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