I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night although that is what I wanted to do. Instead, I hummed myself to sleep.
You know what? Tall people really intrigue me. Like…how does it feel to have long legs like that? How does it feel to look at the top of people’s heads all the time? Must be wild.
I use this blog as an emotional depository. Anytime I’m feeling uncertain or unsure or extremely hopeful or any intense emotion, I log on and write in here. And I’m usually so honest because when I’m writing it doesn’t occur to me that anyone will be reading it.
I know I sound like a baby when I say this but…I really need a hug.
I need to know someone in my physical world cares about what’s going on in my life. DEEP is upset with me because I was feeling down. He says I have no reason to feel like that. He’s NEVER down. I don’t know how he does it, but that’s how he is. I don’t think he has a reason to be and he says I have no reason to be down either. He’s always dissappointed in me which adds to my dissappointment in myself.
My internet connection at home is not working so I’m at Panera’s trying to look for places to live. The food looks so good. Wish I could have some. I’ve been running the streets using all of my gas for the past 3 days doing it with no luck. I’m having problems breathing again. Sometimes I wish that shit would just stop so I can go home…wherever that is.
I bought this book by Doreen Virtue called Earth ANgels and I read it quickly. It describes how there are certain people on earth who are actualy from other planets and that is why they do not fit in here. At first I laughed at the book because it seemed obvious to my existentialist based mind that we are always searching for a reason to validate our feelings.
I took the quiz and it told me I was a Star person- a being from another planet who was sent to earth for a purpose but can not fully function in this life because of it. Then I began to read and felt sad for myself, wondering, could I really be an alien from another planet? Although that sounds ridiculous to the socialized mind, there are actually entire philosophies based around this idea.
There’s a group of people called Nuwabian (sp?) who believe in aliens. I don’t know. I just have fun learning about it all and laughing when I find a belief that I have never heard of before.
I wonder what it’s like for people who are not like me. People who know how to manipulate others, know how to smile and fake it, people who know how to play the game. What’s it like?
And I wonder if I will ever gain the tools necessary to be a success in this world. EMotionally…I don’t think I have it together.
Could this be a part of the pressure I feel about turning 30 next week? I’m trying to be positive and focus on what I do have…what I’ve accomplished so far and what I have to look forward to but…
Yeah..I know. I suck. What a great motivational speaker I’m turning out to be…. Cant even uplift myself everyday, but as soon as my phone rings, I’ll have the perfect words to soothe the soul.
If I were God, I would pick me up and beat me for days showing me every good thing I ever wanted and telling my why I couldn’t have it. I AM God…and that is what I experience everyday. I do it to myself because I believe I deserve that somehow. I attach myself to men who only belittle me and tell me how I need to change. I give myself to people who would never give back to me. I torture myself by listening to stories from friends about how happy and blessed they are. I celebrate with them and then I cry to myself later wondering how I could come into existence to be hurt.
But I remember one of my notes from the universe and it said, “You are not on earth to master being alone, or master poverty or pain. You were put here to live!”
I could stress myself today about all the areas that I need to improve in…but I won’t. I think I’m just…not going to do anything at all. I’m going to find a quiet place, buy a burger and sit there all day. Doing nothing about my problems and not even focusing on them. I’m gonna let it all go. ANd even if I turn 30 and everything is still the same as today…I still have to move on and breathe and live somehow. Unless I get to die soon, I still have to function in this world.
I’ll figure it out.