Some Other Shit

Besides watching them fight each other all weekend, I woke up Saturday morning and my son was on my computer. I grabbed it up and sat down on the bed to check my email and as I flipped through the tabs I saw…

Yes…porn.

So I did something I never do…I looked through the history to see how he found those and it showed me that he had been googling strip clubs and naked girls online. I was shocked as I looked at the pictures showing. He stood there staring at me, looking scared. Before I could ask him anythig he said, “You can spank me Mama, I know I did wrong.”

I looked up at him and frowned. “Who told you that looking at this was wrong?” I asked him.

He seemed confused.

I sighed. I really didn’t know what to do but tell him how I really feel.

“Look,” I said and he sat down next to me. I held him in my arms and squeezed him tight. “There’s nothing really wrong with looking at those naked pictures. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re just curious. The only thing is when you focus too much on that and get distracted from having all the fun you can have as a child. Believe me, before it’s over you’re gonna get PLENTY of opportunities to see naked ladies and to have sex and all that. It’s gonna be more than you can imagine but that time is not now. I’ve been there. Focus on having fun now. All that will come later. Believe me.”

He gave me a hug and we watched TV.

I really don’t believe in demonizing any behaviour that’s not physically harmful. I mean, if you put something in a child’s mind as “off limits” it’s in their nature to test those limits. They tend to gravitate toward what people say isnt good because they want to test it for themselves. If you tell someone DONT SMOKE, the image that flashes in their mind is of them smoking. The “don’t” is too quiet.

So I’d rather focus on what I want instead of what I don’t want.

I just took a little break from writing this to go over to my professional twitter page and write some crap. I’m over twitter. It bores me for real. Now I have my old one back up and my new one and I barely write on either. 

You know what? Damn…I have more going on now simply because I do so much with DEEP that I’m not just laying around the house on the phone twittering. Maybe that’s what it is.

It’s good to have a friend, but what I’d really like to experience is what I have with him and then have that be with someone on a sexually intimate level as well as emotionally. 

DEEP and I vibe as like…like..brother and sister, I promise. I never laugh so hard as I do when I’m with him. I never feel so awake and energized and frustrated and upset and annoyed and happy as when we’re together. If I’m not with him, I’m on the phone with him. We can argue and argue and he can say some stupid shit and now…WHEN I’m having the argument with him, it doesn’t bother me as much because, I know we’ll still talk to each other later. 

There used to be a fear that this was the last argument before me and a man threw each other away. Or more like..before I threw the guys away.

I try to throw DEEP away all the time still. It’s not as blatant as before. I can not find a reason to stop talking to him. My yearning for excommunicating him is becoming dull. He says that he thinks I get a high, or a rush from dumping men. I think so too. My body is aching for some fresh meat to release my aggression on. I realize that is what I’ve been doing. I usually open my eyes to men a few times a year when I want to have sex. I choose one and then dump him immediately afterwards and ask him to never call me again. I won’t give him a chance to get to know me or especially a chance to hurt me. It’s fear really. I still operate in fear sometimes.

Since DEEP and I started out as friends I missed the part where I want him to like me. I wasn’t paying him any attention because he was annoying yet for some reason I still loved talking to his ass. I still do.

I don’t know man….I want him to go away and have even prayed for it yet if I don’t see him I get sad. When I see him again, I feel better.

He teases me incessantly. This morning he picked me up from work and when we got back to my place he kept me up for more than an hour being an asshole and torturing me by making some stupid noises that he knows annoys me. He would not stop. I really almost hit him. I wanted him to get the hell out. I was pissed!

“Shut up!” I screamed. “I’m tired. I was at work all night. YOU were at the club!”

“So?” he replied. “I was still up.”

“I hate you,” I said as we settled in after he stopped being an ass.

“Sweet dreams,” He responded and shifted on his blanket on the floor.

I’m sitting there staring at the back of his dreads and thinking, “What the hell is he doing here? Why hasn’t he left out of my life yet?”

I am not used to this. Men stay in my life for a limited time only. If I didn’t have sons, I would make that an absolute statement. 

Man…I feel so good. It’s late but…I feel good. Had a GREAT weekend at work even though it was slow I still met some cool people and we all had good attitudes so we joked all night.

The girl at work who be stealing all the time finally got fired. I must be about to win the lotto because I never would have thought this time would come. It’s like someone saying we have a Black president….Wow. That happened too. I guess I have so much more MIRACULOUS things happening!

I think we’re living in an age of NO LIMITS!

LOL! I was on some other shit tonite…excuse me.