I feel so good right now.
I know I haven’t been updating and I realize that I used to use my blog as my main companion and now I actually have a real person in my life to share with. When I’m talking to him, I don’t think about blogging at all. I’m sorry.
I kinda miss telling stories though. But I’m for real….you do NOT wanna hear the crazy ass emotional ass ride that I’ve been going on with DEEP. And it’s all in my head. I make the situation stressful because there are certain things I expect a man to do and DEEP is like, “We’re friends. Stop placing your expectations on me. Kill your desires.”
Our relationship has changed so much. I feel so crazy even writing about this because I hope that one day I won’t have to log on to my blog and go skimming through the archives and say, “Wow, remember that guy DEEP I used to do everything with?”
I’m not afraid of losing him. I am used to overcoming a loss. That’s not the issue, the issue is what will I do with him if he stays. I am not used to having a male companion that I am attracted to. Like..how does that work? If he leaves, I’ll be relieved because I sometimes believe that I secretly want to prove to myself that I am unloveable. But it’s hard when you have someone who enjoys your company and won’t walk away and he wants to be your friend but you are attracted to him and want a certain kind of attenion…
I mean, you spend so much time together that there’s no way you could even date anyone else. You feel like you’re brother and sister and argue like siblings. You’re a pair. You’re the first one the other person calls with ANY news…You’ve stood outside the door of the bathroom talking while the other person is using it. Shared a bath towel. And then there’s that time you accidently sleep together. And wake up like…Whoa…
I know…. I got mad at him because he told some girl he met on twitter that she was beautiful. Man…I flipped for real on his ass. So emotional. I feel sorry for that man. He handled it well though. So now we’re not even following each other on twitter. I blocked his ass cuz I don’t wanna see that flirting shit! I am so jealous and I don’t know why and that is NOT me.
But we’re still friends on facebook.
I know this post is long and mainly about DEEP but I’m sorry, I just write what’s on my mind and usually…it’s him intermingled with my daily activities.
I ain’t saying we are together in the romantic sense but I like what we have. Today I decided not to focus on him as a person so much and try to focus on the qualities I like about him.
If I constantly remind myself WHY I like him, it will attract more people with those qualities. I would love to experience the next phase AFTER what DEEP and I have experienced together. I would love to meet someone like him or BETTER to go deeper with.
I am fearful when I spend too much time with him. He has gotten to see ALL of me. The ME that nobody, not even my kids get to see. And he still sitting right there. I keep waiting for him to get disgusted and walk away. He fights for our friendship, literally battles with me when I tell him to leave me alone because I’m too scared to stay friends with him.
Our relationship has changed so much. I’ve never gotten this far with any man before. Wait…my Baby Daddy. Oh yeah. But honestly, we broke up in 2001 for the last time and I don’t really remember our relationship like that. Like, I have memories of stuff we did but they hold no emotion attached to them. I don’t feel any kind of way about him anymore. Not good or bad- just indifferent.
I actually got to see him the other day. I dropped off the boys to their new house and he was standing outside. I looked him up and down just curious to see what he looks like now.
He looks the same. Black as ever. He is doing this goatee type thing with his beard and I like it. I think he looks handsome. I laughed as I watched him standing there. Was I really WITH this man? For real? Wow. We used to have a life together. It seems like a dream.
I’m so different than I was when I was with him. I have gone through so many fears. I developed most of them when I was with him, but I have overcome so many.
Man…I’m rambling but I needed this because I haven’t really had internet at my house for WEEKS. I Was struggling with my internet fix.
Aww…You know what my sons did the other night? After they took showers I rubbed them both down with lotion and then my sons gave ME a back massage. It felt so nice. Those little hands were just chopping and squeezing away. That made me feel good.
And then…my son saw a dress that he’d never seen before.
“Mommy, try this on.”
I laughed. “Why baby?”
“I wanna see you in it.”
I put the dress on and he stood behind me to zip me up. After he did he said, “You should wear this today. You look good Mama.”
I was CHEESING!
My baby made me feel so good!
“Wow!” I said, “You guys make me feel like I’m so pretty!”
“That’s because you are,” my son told me.
I wish I could get this kind of treatment all the time!