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I Miss My Laptop

Man…

I’m sitting in front of my old desktop computer, which I gave to my roommates when I realized they didn’t have one, and I’m trying to write…but I can’t.

It’s probably just a mental thing but…man I miss my laptop.

I didn’t cherish him like I should have. I complained and banged and never gave him any rest. I always thought he’d be there for me but he hasn’t.

I miss….

Twittering
Wikipedia
Googling random topics

I miss…

blogging
Creating articles for websites
Reading
Learning
Exploring
Sharing
Connecting

I miss it all…

I never realized how much my life was connected to the internet until it was gone.

And now I sit here uncomfortable cramped up trying to get these emotions out yet I can’t.

I’ve built up all of these walls around me without even thinking about it because I felt like I didn’t need physical connections since I had my baby, my laptop.

When will my missing parts come? I don’t know. Will they allow me to power on, to sing my song, to give my gift of language and love?

I miss my laptop.

But I am not my laptop.

Man…lemme go. This shit doesn’t even make any sense.

I wanna write so badly…

See…

It’s not working.

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Talking To Myself

So I was sitting on the ground outside today just…you know…um…thinking.

I have a lot going on and so much to think about and the sun relaxes me so much and I’m also energized by it. I’m wearing an oversized university sweatshirt, some oversized gray sweats and I am sitting cross-legged holding a book in front of me. My eyes are closed because I’m reciting my mantra.

My guyfriend walks up, smiles and says Hi. I reply cordially and bring my gaze back down to the pavement and continue reciting my mantra, ignoring him.Add Video
He pissed me off. I’m done with him. He knows better than to stop by without calling but I won’t give him the satisfaction of cursing him out.

He comes over and sits down in front of me and basically apologizes and asks me if I want to come hang with him. I turn him down. He walks away and comes back and asks again after asking for a hug. He knows I can’t resist that. A hug is better than secks because its non invasive, yet equally as intimate.

So I’m at his house right now and he and his friends are playing video games and I’m NOT in class because we’re on Spring Break. Damn it seems to come early but its the only break you get until the end of summer. School goes back to back.

I was reading this blog today and it had an article about how smart women have women in their corner who can speak for them. It was very well written but it made me sad because their is something in me that makes connections difficult. I am talented, blah, blah, blah- but something happens that makes people turned off by me when they meet me for real- like at first glance and first meeting and convo most people fall in love with me, but after they see how I REALLY think and live my life- they are dissappointed and walk away. The ones who do stay though- remain my partners for life- respect.

I’m not one to be upset about people walking in and out of my life because I have faith that anything that belongs to me (or anyone) can not be taken away. Divine spirits attract. Those that repel, just weren’t meant to be.

I’m trying and trying to go after my dreams- what I know- go for mine. Child…. It’s a wild ride as you meet people and you have to wonder if they have a genuine intention for good or bad, what they really want and at the same time you know I’m probably what you would call “naiive” because I never expect people to be dishonest or calculating. When I run across it I’m like DAYUMM, that’s crazy! I don’t expect it from others because I wouldn’t expect it from myself. I guess I try to see in others what I see in me. I think we all do. Our expectations can only come from assumptions based on our own capabilities. If we’re capable of it, someone else is too…right?

Anyway…I met a nice grown man last week. Nice, tall, dark chocolate. I was impressed by his resume, his swagger and everything and he was impressed and attracted to me. How about after getting to know me better, already he’s like, “I had to rethink my interest?” LOL!

~shaking my head~

I told you I’m a handful. But….it doesn’t matter. Like attracts like and nothing is bad. Rejection really is direction. I want someone who sees me for ME, thinks outside the box, doesn’t want to fit our relationship into a box and wants to join forces with me to help people achieve their dreams, to give them support and make some money in the process.

I see him as kind of a “sign” of land because Tamara and I were just talking about how we wanted to meet GROWN MEN, men over 35 who are situated and not just going for their dreams like we are. Men who don’t gossip or argue back and forth with women. Men who don’t have to ask ‘how much is it?’ cuz they got it and they know they can make more so it’s not a tragedy to spend. Men with a vision that is nearly half accomplished and men with respect for themselves and others, as well as the opinions of others. Men who are not afraid to love.

I think I’m about to start meeting some of them. I’ve been studying so many attract love books and sites and articles. I see a pattern. I’m gonna make up one of my own and I’m gonna test it out for myself and see what happens. I’m open minded about it, I think. I want to get over this fear of relationships. I want to have one and just get it over with so I can relax… No, that’s not what I really want. I was talking out of fear. What i really want is a guyfriend who loves me, is consistent and respectful in his words and actions, who adores me but doesn’t want to pressure me into anything and he’s comfortable simply BEING with me instead of measuring me for lifemate material.

I don’t want an obligation, I want to be someone choice. To me, marriage seems like a big ass LOCK with chains around it. geesh…Let me out! Don’t love me because you can’t go anywhere else, love me because you can do what you like and still you CHOOSE to be with me.

~sigh~ damn, I feel like i just went to the bathroom.

~~flush~~~

Yay! I am so excited right now. I’m doing so much and I am so proud of me. I’m not afraid of what is about to come into my life. I am not resistant to change at all.

Last night was really a battle for my peace of mind. Negativity sometimes surrounds me and I can feel the pull of my energy dragging me into this pit and the thoughts become stronger and stronger and last night I really had to FIGHT. I felt like there was a battle for control and my FutureMe won.

I know, it’s a wild concept to imagine but I believe I am stronger because of what happened last night. The good guys, angels, God, Universe, guides or whatever- have a stronger, more insistent voice. It sounds like the most daring, POSITIVE Me- The BITCH GET YO MIND RIGHT AND HANDLE THIS SHIT- Me. The bad guys or negative thoughts sound like a muffled voice that is very critical, kinda sound like the Yin Yang Twins.

So I spoke to both voices (thought patterns) and felt stupid questioning myself, inside my own mind, and then responding. ~smh~ But…I did it. I didn’t stop.

I was like, “Why should I listen to you? You sound just like me? I’m not crazy. This could be Me talking to Myself.”

And the Positive Voice convinced me that whether or not I’m imagining the whole thing, its best to listen to it because it is what is going to get me to where I’m going to be.

Crazy…

Anyway. I am producing my radio show, my internet show and I hooked up with this ultrasmart brother at the Literary Cafe I was telling you about and he’s allowing me to do a brief presentation about relationships during his Speed dating events every week. That is so amazing.

His talent- WOW! Oh, yeah, he was the one on my internet show who did the poetry. He owns the cafe. I hope we can get to know each other and respect each other because I would like to be a part of his vision. He has done things that I would LOVE to do, his own cafe, he’s been on HBO doing poetry. He’s a professional artist. Man…like…I wanna be like that. I know I can do that too. I just need to learn how not to build up walls with people so much. I don’t really mean harm, I’m really just trying to protect myself because once I love you it’s over…I’ll give you anything and really it doesn’t take much for me to love.

But…even if it happens again that just means the Universe is not ready for me to make that business connection that I want so badly. The right person will know how to deal with me because they will see the bigger picture and they’ll be like fuck her attitude and fuck her fears-we’re gonna make money. LOL!

Man…I still miss my laptop. Sorry if this story is lopsided because I don’t feel quite back to normal with my writing. I feel rusty, not only my fingers but also my brain. I feel detached from my gift because I have not been using it.

I’ma get my rythym back. In the meantime tune into the LIVE version of my show on Tuesday at 5pm eastern. It’s 30 minutes long and it’s more interesting than the 10 minute clips we post on youtube. I’m hosting and producing the show myself so show me some love.

Watch it HERE LIVE on Tuesday at 5pm eastern.

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Non Traditional Thinking

~sigh~

My laptop powered on and I sighed. Then I thought of the million and one things I can do now that I wasn’t able to do for the past 6 weeks. Then I rolled my eyes because…my body hurts and I don’t have much energy to do anything serious. But I’ll try anyway.

Over the past few weeks I have caught up with some amazing people on facebook. These people were extremely influential in my life when I was in college and heavily influenced my days as a Christian. Now that we have reconnected and all the “what’s going on with you?” is out of the way, I inevitably get the question, “How’s your relationship with God?”

To which I reply, “It’s fine. Better than ever actually?”

“You found a good church home?”

“No actually. I’m not religious anymore.”

“But,” they stammer. “You still believe in Christ right?”

“Ofcourse I do. I believe he existed.”

“But is he still your saviour?”

“Umm…No. What do I need saving from if I no longer believe in hell?”
GASP!

Then enters the litany of questions regarding my spiritual path. Last night one guy friend even apologized over and over again about not being a better friend to me because if he had led me down the RIGHT path, I would have never walked away from God.

“Who said I walked away from God?” I asked softly. I am not a debater. I don’t know how to argue with people about something as personal as beliefs. Who am I to sway what you think about something no one on this planet really knows the answer to? We’re all guessing, really. Who are you to try to sway my beliefs? But I do get it. I used to be like that too. I felt I was right and everyone else was wrong and it was my obligation to show them the way.

The crazy thing is, everytime I have a conversation like that it pushes me further away from religion and I feel so glad that I got away.

Look…if that works for you, then fine and I never try to convince you otherwise but that religious stuff didn’t work for me. And honestly the more I listen to you go on and on about the Bible the more I feel sad that you believe something just because someone else told you to believe it. I guess it’s easier that way. They talk. You listen. You follow their rules. It’s easier to believe that you are inherently a bad person and you need someone to make you better. It gives you an excuse when you do wrong- well, I AM a sinner so….

I’m not a sinner.

I don’t believe that I was born a bad person. I don’t believe I need to be saved from hell.

“What’s the difference between you and me?” I asked my guyfriend.

“The end result is the difference,” he said.

“Where are you going to end up that I am not going to end up?”

“Those who believe in God will have everlasting life and those who don’t will perish,” he stated emphatically.

“But I do believe in God.”

“You can’t believe in God and not believe in his word. The two are one and the same.”

“I do not believe the Bible is the word of God. It’s a book. But I do believe there is a Source a source of everything. Something made all this happen. I don’t think it’s an accident.”

Silence.

“You are scaring me,”

“Don’t be scared for me. I’m cool with who I am. I didn’t get peace from religion, all I got was condemnation from myself for not being good enough. All that focus on the afterlife and striving to get there had me hating everyday. I felt like a nutcase with some man in the sky watching my every move and judging my every thought. I didn’t like that.”

“God’s word is God’s word whether you believe in it or not,” he told me. “You’re still subject.”

“Alright. That’s cool.”

Silence.

I wish…I wish…people would allow others to create their own lives and live them out. But I do understand cuz I used to be the same way.

I do not apologize for my journey or my beliefs and every time I encounter a Christian who tells me I’m wrong I sigh and thank God I’m not like that anymore. Judging and condemning instead of inspiring and loving.

Look- I don’t claim to be the authority on ANYTHING but I DO know that I am free to choose my own beliefs and live my life without asking anyone’s permission or getting anyone’s approval or guidance.

That’s some grown up shit right there. Too many people seeking approval from others for every decision they make and standing behind lies in order to project a certain image. I will not lie to you.

I will be me.

At all times.

No matter where it leads me.

I am so glad to me.

I am finally FREE.
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I Want To Be In That Number

You ever look at the elite in this country? No…the seriously elite. Ofcourse not, you don’t really see them but they’re there and they are very few and very powerful.

Even when we look at the model of “successful” celebrities don’t we see the same people over and over again? Every magazine has the same people on the covers over and over again.

I wanted to walk among them, enjoying the responsibility and reach of those select few whose words and deeds mean more than the rest of ours. I wanted that so badly….so I’d never have to worry about food or housing or fighting for opportunities.

I don’t know how to get in there. I don’t know how to break free from whatever is holding me back IF anything is really holding me back. All I know is…no matter how much I try to fit into the systems that I am introduced to…I don’t fit.

I never fit.

It’s almost like a global club that won’t let me in and I know why….I won’t play their game. I don’t know how to really. I don’t know how to be anything other than who I am.

But you know…it would be so nice to one day…find my fit in this universe. The place where my personality, my drive, my inspiration, my creativity and my gift will allow me to prosper spiritually and financially.

I FEEL like I’m one of them. I just….can’t imagine ever fitting into a system.

I don’t know if I even need that anymore. Part of me just wants to say Hey…it is what it is. Let’s just enjoy what it is today and not even stress over tomorrow.

I don’t know…just rambling.

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Stepping Up To The Mic

Tonight I’m headed to the Cafe to do a 3-5 minute inspirational presentation about relationships. I made an arrangement with the owner who says I can do a presentation every week during his Poetry and Speed Dating event. I’m so excited that I planned out the topics for the next 10 weeks.

But this week…chile…I’m still rolling my eyes about LAST week. You won’t believe what happened…

So last week was my second week doing a presentation at the Cafe. The first week’s presentation went well, I spoke about gender roles and challenged the audience to BE THEMSELVES, regardless of what society tells them they need to be based on their gender.

Just before I got on stage last week, the place was empty. Then a few people started trickling in and one guy started buying drinks for everyone so I put my order in too. He asked me if I wanted to leave and go have dinner with him and I said No. ~raises eyebrow~ Who the fuck is you?

I finished one drink and was on my 2nd one when a guy in the audience asked, “Can someone Do SOMETHING? I didn’t drive all the way up here for nothing.”

The hosts looked at each other like, “I ain’t going up there.”

Since no one wanted to step up and do anything I said, “Well, I’ll go.” And then I walked to the mic to begin speaking.

I spoke about break-ups and why they are so difficult to get past and how to work through them. I promised everyone there that they WILL feel that attraction again and to not hold on to a bad thing just because they have a few good memories.

For some reason, both times I presented my mini speeches, the owner of the Cafe missed it because he was standing outside. Last week, he walked in just a minute before I was done and he asked, “Did I just miss it again?”

I nodded my head. What was I supposed to do? I get on the stage when the hosts ask me to.

“You have to go do something else,” he said.

Although a bit tipsy, I shrugged my shoulders and went back to the mic. Because I had not prepared anything and there were less than 10 people there I said, “This is a new theory I’m developing and I don’t mind if you guys give me feedback on it. I haven’t really figured it all out yet, but I’ll share it with you anyway.”

Then I explained how I was thinking that the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing was a fake ass commitment and why do men try to label you their girlfriend anyway. Is it because they don’t want any other men to meet you and possibly outshine them? What are men so afraid of? Why the label? Boyfriend/girlfriend is not really a commitment and I don’t care to be a part of that fallacy.

This raised eyebrows all around the cafe as people started raising their hands to question me.

The guy who tried to take me out to eat started questioning me too and just like everyone else who asked questions or made comments, I replied to his questions…but he wouldn’t stop. He kept making it personal- all about ME. Asking questions that a guy would ask on a date. In hindsight, I should have just said, “If you want to take me out, ask me in private.” But I’m open and I honestly didn’t mind explaining how I felt about relationships.

You could hear gasps all around when the guy asked, “What DON’T you want in a man?”

“I don’t want a man who has a JOB. I’m not interested in anyone who gets a paycheck by clocking in. That’s not success to me. I don’t want anyone who is religious. Not into that at all. I’m not even interested in the whole marriage thing. Marriage is a socially constructed concept and if a man wants to marry me he is going to have to convince me that it’s a good idea..otherwise, we’ll just be good friends.”

People got offended.

“What about the BIBLE?”

I put up my hand, palm facing the audience and I shook my head. “Don’t go there,” I said firmly.

One woman was so offended that she walked out. The guy kept asking question after question until I was exhausted. Eventually he told me that I would probably end up an old lady alone with a cat and a dog and I told him that if that happened, I was fine with that.

It was a very personal conversation that occurred in a public place and I could tell that people were looking at me funny after that. I didn’t mind. I don’t mean to offend. But if you ASK me what I think, I’m gonna tell you.

So the presentation got way out of hand thanks to my oppenness and the guy’s annoying personality. Later, when i asked the owner what he thought of the presentation he said that I should not have allowed the audience member to control the conversation in that way. His lead hostess told me that she would change the line up of my presentation so that it doesn’t lend time to people to discuss so openly which will take away from the LOVE vibe of the evening.

I didn’t mind.

So tonight I’m going to talk about narrative therapy and the stories we create surrounding our relationships and how those stories come true. I’m going to teach how to change the story, if it’s a negative one which will ultimately change your outcome.

I invited some friends to come and hear me speak and I’m looking forward to seeing them.

Let’s hope this week’s presentation goes better than last week’s. It feels so great to be able to practice my speaking in a cool environment.

Cross your fingers for me! I’m about to go get dressed right now.
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The Fight Club Awakening

OMG!

Two weeks ago I was sitting around and decided to turn on the TV to see what nonsense was on. With no laptop and no phone I was game for any kind of distraction from all of the goals and dreams dancing around in my head.

I saw a movie begin, it had Edward Norton in it. I like Edward Norton. He’s cute and he always plays interesting characters so I watched. It looked like some sort of Independent film. It was weird, he meets this weird girl at a cancer meeting and he doesn’t even have cancer. His apartment blows up which causes him to move in with this other weird guy who is very sexy.

I’m half watching it, half texting ppl and I pause when I hear the characters manager say, “The first rule of fight club- you don’t talk about fight club.”

Is this THAT movie? Ughhh…

But I keep watchin anyway. I’m amazed by it actually. I…I…The messages presented seemed like some kind of eastern philosophy that was foreign to me. This whole movement that they create seems like anarchy. I’m confused because…I love it and I’m afraid of it at the same time.

My guyfriend comes over and we’re watchin it together and he ruins it for me by telling me the plot twist. That also frustrates me because when I notice the philosophical offerings of the film, I can’t even turn to him to discuss because…well..he doesn’t know anything about any of that.

That makes me wonder why I even hang out with him….But…that’s another story.

I want to see the movie again very badly. I found it online but I can’t even watch it the whole way through, it sucks.

So I decided to look up the Fight Club Philosophy online and I found oodles of interesting reading, including this gem that has changed my way of thinking tremendously.

Seems that Fight Club is based on Taoism, a philosophy that asserts that everything in life has a natural duality of both good and bad. The ying and the yang symbols, I’ve seen them before but I’ve never actually THOUGHT about what they meant. They actually mean that there is darkness and light in everything and everyone. An equal amount of both. And even in the darkness, there is a spot of light.

So it took me a couple of days to think about all of this. I just couldn’t get it. So they’re saying that there’s good and bad in ME? How? I try not to do ANYTHING BAD. I try EXTRA HARD to make sure that no one can say that I harmed them in any way. How could there be bad in me?

But there has to be a bad side…maybe it’s the rebel in me, rebelling against what society expects a young Black woman with my intelligence and my abilities and my attractiveness should be.

Then I started tripping over the actual movie’s concept that there are two sides to our personalities, the side we HAVE to be in order to be a part of the wheel, the system, the broken clock of society and the side of us that is FREE.

I’m more FREE than most people I know but if you ask them, I’m less successful. But I just wanted to SCREAM as I watched the movie online, paying closer attention to how DUMB the main character sounded as he thumbed through catalogs ordering his furniture to put inside of his little box of an apartment.

Man….

So many quotes from this movie MOVED ME. Like…

The things we own, end up owning us.

Hell naw! Think about it! You are forced to get up out of your bed every morning at 6:30am and go sit in a room that you HATE surrounded by people that you HATE but you PRETEND that you like…just so you can drive the car you drive just so you can impress the people that you HATE. What sense does that make?

It’s the illusion of success that binds us. And I’m not talking about TRUE success, I’m talking about success as defined by a consumerism society that promises happiness as a result of acquiring more stuff- the same stuff that will be sold away at a yard sale when the same society tells you it is no longer trendy.

DAMN! I feel so awake! I feel like I’ve always had this knowledge inside of me but I was too afraid to SAY it aloud because no one would understand what the fuck I’m talking about. Plus….I know too many people who are living their lives trapped inside their cubicles and their boxes, trying to impress with letters behind their names and fake personalities.

What the fuck am I doing with myself? Exactly what I want to do.

I’m learning what I want to learn. I’m living how I want to live and I don’t give a damn what anyone says because no one’s opinion is more important than mine.

Fuck my Baby Daddy and his corporate ass. Wearing the noose around his neck in the form of a neck tie and thinking that shit is fly. How could I have EVER been attracted to some shit like that? You ain’t cute- you’re a SLAVE.

We all are…a slave to this society that makes us believe that the “American Dream” is to conquer, be recognized and live lavishly. Why do we need to live lavishly anyway? Riches won’t do a bit of good if we are not sharing the wealth. Man…I know I’m going to be wealthy but fuck if you’ll see me doing stupid shit with my money. My money is going right back out into the world.

Ughhh…I have so much more to say but there’s too much to say!

When am I going to meet people who feel the same way I do and want to focus more on enlightening the world than trying to get what they can get out of other people to advance their admiration. Geesh!

I also learned an important lesson. I can’t believe this shit…

All of this time I’ve been allowing people’s personalities to get in the way of me working with them because I felt if they weren’t good people, consistent in their actions and commitments, that I would not allow them to share my gift of unconditional support and encouragement.

How dumb! I never got things done like that. I walked away from person after person instead of just GETTING WHAT I NEEDED and THEN ROLLING ON!

Duh!

It was a recent revelation after I met someone who I thought I could respect for their business acumen. After finding out that their character was not up to the standards that I set for myself, I was upset and considered ending the relationship but then it hit me– Hollup Tee.

Fuck what kind of person they are. You are in this for a reason. Ignore that shit that is making you angry cuz it has nothing to do with your goal. GET WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR.

WHAT DID YOU COME HERE FOR?

GET THAT SHIT!

That other shit is irrelevant and if you work fast enough you won’t have to deal with them again anyway. Smile. Be respecteful. Don’t be fake and always DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO.

Fuck what they’re doing. GET YOU STRAIGHT. ANd then move on!

~sigh~

I wish more people would wake up with me…or at least those who are awake…I wish they’d find me somehow. I know there has to be a family for me out there. I want to learn more.
I’m ready.
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Still Searching

Tonight’s radio show was crazy. I guess since it was the last day of Spring Break some of the equipment was put away so I couldn’t use the music on my laptop and a lot of other stuff wasn’t working. ~sigh~

I think I take my show too seriously. No one else gets as upset as I do when things don’t go smoothly. PLUS- my sons were wilding out and being KIDS. It really frustrated me though. I shouldn’t have let it get to me but when they interrupt me while I’m hosting my show I get so annoyed. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m sick, my entire body is aching and I’m just so worn out from producing TWO shows and trying to figure out what my next step in life is going to be.

Although I love what I’m learning in school, I’m not so sure this path is right for me. Most people go to grad school so they’ll make more money when they get out, but that’s just because they all expect to get traditional jobs. I don’t. I’m in grad school to learn. Honestly, I don’t see myself going through this entire program. I really don’t. I don’t think the academic environment is for me. It seems that to be successful in this environment you have to be a follower- you know, mimic the teacher, say “Yes sir and no sir” I haven’t learned how to do that yet. I want to put my own spin on everything I do and so far from what I’ve seen, it’s not allowed.

I know that I can be a handful at times because I expect the same things I give, consistency, support, encouragement but… ~sigh~

Whatever man…

As Tyler Durden would say, “Let the chips fall where they may.”

That is a very enlightening statement. Imagine going through life not worrying about your next step. Imagine just allowing things to happen and working with what you got. Imagine not trying to be perfect but just trying to give the best of you.

Wouldn’t life be more grand that way? I’m tired of pushing and pulling and trying to force things. Even though I definitely believe in the concept of deliberate creation there comes a point when you have to realize that sometimes your route is planned out for you and you can’t miss out on anything that’s coming if you approach life in a positive way.

Even though I have my BFF Tamara, somehow I still feel like I’m alone on this journey. But who else do I expect to be with me since I am my own guide and captain?

Just the other day I made the decision to change residences. I have no idea where I’m going or how I’m going to do it, but it’s an expressed desire and I believe it will be delivered. I even told my roommates that I am leaving by the end of April. Once you announce what you plan to do, it’s pretty much placing energy behind what you want so it HAS to manifest. Well, that’s what I believe.

What do I WANT to happen? Let’s see…I haven’t given it too much thought but I will now.

I’d like to get a place of my own, a very nice place for me and my sons to relax in and be comfortable. I’d like a big BED thats so comfy and fresh and I’d like it to come in a miraculous way. I’d like an opportunity to express myself creatively in a BIG way that is financially lucrative and brings with it a calm, pleasant, accomplished feeling.

Tonight I was trying to explain to my boys something that is quite difficult for adults to even understand. They keep asking to go to Wanna Do City where they can act out their fantasies as a chef, a police officer or a doctor.

“Why do you want to go to that place?” I asked them.

“Cuz. It’s fun.”

“Well, how do you FEEL when you’re having fun?”

“I feel good. Happy.”

“Well then, you don’t really have to go to that specific place in order to experience those feelings. You can feel like that at anytime.”

They weren’t buying it.

Kids.

How do I want to FEEL?

Secure. Safe. Abundant. ALIVE.

Do I feel that way now?

Yes, in a way, but there’s so much more I can do in this world.

But if you have those things now then why are you still searching for them? You don’t continue to look for your keys when they are right in your hand do you?

Good point.

I want to connect with people who are positive, energetic and driven. People who have good hearts and want to see other people achieve their dreams. People who think outside of the box and enjoy meeting others who think that way too.

Hmm….I wonder what life will bring next.

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Picking & Choosing

I’m sick.

Body aching all over. Coughing up nasty stuff and coughing. I look like Celie by the head and I feel like somebody beat me up.

All afternoon I’ve been “resting” also known as surfing the net and reading up on authors, their influences and their success. I’ve been trying to find a way to watch Fight Club online but none of the links I’ve found work. Damn!

I just want to see that scene again…the one where Robert Paulson is killed and all the drones chant his name…to me that scene was saying “In death you finally have an identity” I almost fell out!

I don’t think he was psycho…I think he was aware. Tyler Durden. Wow. Brad Pitt was sexy in that movie. Especially how he dealt with the guy…no yelling or screaming just verbal commands that were immediately obeyed.

I’d let him boss me around too.

Still looking. Still trying to examine the many theories of thought and choose one or make one up that serves me. It’s so amazing to me how we can choose to believe anything we want to about anything. And our beliefs shape our experience. I could choose to believe that men’s penis’ have razor blades in them. ANd I’d never have secks because I wouldn’t want to be hurt.

I can choose to believe that sheep have the secret to life and inner peace and start praying to them.

I could even choose to believe that death is a continuation of life, kinda like the 2nd course in a meal…or more like the 3rd course, the first course would be the time spent in the womb.

We can choose to believe ANYTHING!

Now…why would I choose some shit that would have me being tortured during this phase of my existence or the next?

I feel kind of sorry for the men I meet. I met a man this week and I told him upfront that I am not interested in anything romantic with him. He still asked for my number. I gave it, but the first thing he did was text me, “Hey Sexy.”

Although I was tempted to curse him out for that, I didn’t. I texted him back: Pls don’t call me sexy. You don’t know me like that. It’s a turn off.

Ughh…Having a guy you’re not attracted to call you sexy is like having your old far sighted uncle call you sexy. Sooo…unsexy.

~shudders~

See..the reason I tell them upfront I don’t like them is because I don’t want them to start being attracted to me and get their feelings hurt. I know what I want and 99% of the time, I don’t want them. And even when it’s someone I think I want, it’s likely that he isn’t good for me anyway. So my logic is, don’t even start shit with any man in the first place. It’s not gonna work. They’re most assholes.

I have even pretended to be gay to push a guy away. I wear a ring on my left rign finger. I am mean. I am demanding and annoying. I am selfish. I do ALL THAT SHIT to make them not like me and most often it doesn’t work.

I tried other tactics like….giving them what they want- pretending to like them. That works most of the time. For some reason when a guy sees that you want him (like when I lie and say I want a relationship) he backs off. Then I’m releived.

Cuz I’m so so so so afraid of the day that a man will say, “I want you.” And mean it. I am an EXPERT at pushing them away, have no idea how to maintain.

Anyway…I know I don’t like this guy. I hope his feelings don’t get involved. I have warned him.

I’m tired. So tired. Been studying and trying to understand and create a great belief system for myself.

It’s hard making up your own beliefs. It woulda been easier to just…accept someone elses. But then again…it wasn’t for me, so now I’m at this point- trying to create my own.

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Must See TV

I must confess…I don’t watch TV much but I must say…there’s this one show that captivates me lately…

The dates these couples go on are amazing!

~sigh~

I can’t wait to become a millionaire so I can start going on mine.
Like attracts like. ~wink~