Talking To Myself

So I was sitting on the ground outside today just…you know…um…thinking.

I have a lot going on and so much to think about and the sun relaxes me so much and I’m also energized by it. I’m wearing an oversized university sweatshirt, some oversized gray sweats and I am sitting cross-legged holding a book in front of me. My eyes are closed because I’m reciting my mantra.

My guyfriend walks up, smiles and says Hi. I reply cordially and bring my gaze back down to the pavement and continue reciting my mantra, ignoring him.Add Video
He pissed me off. I’m done with him. He knows better than to stop by without calling but I won’t give him the satisfaction of cursing him out.

He comes over and sits down in front of me and basically apologizes and asks me if I want to come hang with him. I turn him down. He walks away and comes back and asks again after asking for a hug. He knows I can’t resist that. A hug is better than secks because its non invasive, yet equally as intimate.

So I’m at his house right now and he and his friends are playing video games and I’m NOT in class because we’re on Spring Break. Damn it seems to come early but its the only break you get until the end of summer. School goes back to back.

I was reading this blog today and it had an article about how smart women have women in their corner who can speak for them. It was very well written but it made me sad because their is something in me that makes connections difficult. I am talented, blah, blah, blah- but something happens that makes people turned off by me when they meet me for real- like at first glance and first meeting and convo most people fall in love with me, but after they see how I REALLY think and live my life- they are dissappointed and walk away. The ones who do stay though- remain my partners for life- respect.

I’m not one to be upset about people walking in and out of my life because I have faith that anything that belongs to me (or anyone) can not be taken away. Divine spirits attract. Those that repel, just weren’t meant to be.

I’m trying and trying to go after my dreams- what I know- go for mine. Child…. It’s a wild ride as you meet people and you have to wonder if they have a genuine intention for good or bad, what they really want and at the same time you know I’m probably what you would call “naiive” because I never expect people to be dishonest or calculating. When I run across it I’m like DAYUMM, that’s crazy! I don’t expect it from others because I wouldn’t expect it from myself. I guess I try to see in others what I see in me. I think we all do. Our expectations can only come from assumptions based on our own capabilities. If we’re capable of it, someone else is too…right?

Anyway…I met a nice grown man last week. Nice, tall, dark chocolate. I was impressed by his resume, his swagger and everything and he was impressed and attracted to me. How about after getting to know me better, already he’s like, “I had to rethink my interest?” LOL!

~shaking my head~

I told you I’m a handful. But….it doesn’t matter. Like attracts like and nothing is bad. Rejection really is direction. I want someone who sees me for ME, thinks outside the box, doesn’t want to fit our relationship into a box and wants to join forces with me to help people achieve their dreams, to give them support and make some money in the process.

I see him as kind of a “sign” of land because Tamara and I were just talking about how we wanted to meet GROWN MEN, men over 35 who are situated and not just going for their dreams like we are. Men who don’t gossip or argue back and forth with women. Men who don’t have to ask ‘how much is it?’ cuz they got it and they know they can make more so it’s not a tragedy to spend. Men with a vision that is nearly half accomplished and men with respect for themselves and others, as well as the opinions of others. Men who are not afraid to love.

I think I’m about to start meeting some of them. I’ve been studying so many attract love books and sites and articles. I see a pattern. I’m gonna make up one of my own and I’m gonna test it out for myself and see what happens. I’m open minded about it, I think. I want to get over this fear of relationships. I want to have one and just get it over with so I can relax… No, that’s not what I really want. I was talking out of fear. What i really want is a guyfriend who loves me, is consistent and respectful in his words and actions, who adores me but doesn’t want to pressure me into anything and he’s comfortable simply BEING with me instead of measuring me for lifemate material.

I don’t want an obligation, I want to be someone choice. To me, marriage seems like a big ass LOCK with chains around it. geesh…Let me out! Don’t love me because you can’t go anywhere else, love me because you can do what you like and still you CHOOSE to be with me.

~sigh~ damn, I feel like i just went to the bathroom.

~~flush~~~

Yay! I am so excited right now. I’m doing so much and I am so proud of me. I’m not afraid of what is about to come into my life. I am not resistant to change at all.

Last night was really a battle for my peace of mind. Negativity sometimes surrounds me and I can feel the pull of my energy dragging me into this pit and the thoughts become stronger and stronger and last night I really had to FIGHT. I felt like there was a battle for control and my FutureMe won.

I know, it’s a wild concept to imagine but I believe I am stronger because of what happened last night. The good guys, angels, God, Universe, guides or whatever- have a stronger, more insistent voice. It sounds like the most daring, POSITIVE Me- The BITCH GET YO MIND RIGHT AND HANDLE THIS SHIT- Me. The bad guys or negative thoughts sound like a muffled voice that is very critical, kinda sound like the Yin Yang Twins.

So I spoke to both voices (thought patterns) and felt stupid questioning myself, inside my own mind, and then responding. ~smh~ But…I did it. I didn’t stop.

I was like, “Why should I listen to you? You sound just like me? I’m not crazy. This could be Me talking to Myself.”

And the Positive Voice convinced me that whether or not I’m imagining the whole thing, its best to listen to it because it is what is going to get me to where I’m going to be.

Crazy…

Anyway. I am producing my radio show, my internet show and I hooked up with this ultrasmart brother at the Literary Cafe I was telling you about and he’s allowing me to do a brief presentation about relationships during his Speed dating events every week. That is so amazing.

His talent- WOW! Oh, yeah, he was the one on my internet show who did the poetry. He owns the cafe. I hope we can get to know each other and respect each other because I would like to be a part of his vision. He has done things that I would LOVE to do, his own cafe, he’s been on HBO doing poetry. He’s a professional artist. Man…like…I wanna be like that. I know I can do that too. I just need to learn how not to build up walls with people so much. I don’t really mean harm, I’m really just trying to protect myself because once I love you it’s over…I’ll give you anything and really it doesn’t take much for me to love.

But…even if it happens again that just means the Universe is not ready for me to make that business connection that I want so badly. The right person will know how to deal with me because they will see the bigger picture and they’ll be like fuck her attitude and fuck her fears-we’re gonna make money. LOL!

Man…I still miss my laptop. Sorry if this story is lopsided because I don’t feel quite back to normal with my writing. I feel rusty, not only my fingers but also my brain. I feel detached from my gift because I have not been using it.

I’ma get my rythym back. In the meantime tune into the LIVE version of my show on Tuesday at 5pm eastern. It’s 30 minutes long and it’s more interesting than the 10 minute clips we post on youtube. I’m hosting and producing the show myself so show me some love.

Watch it HERE LIVE on Tuesday at 5pm eastern.

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