Still Searching

Tonight’s radio show was crazy. I guess since it was the last day of Spring Break some of the equipment was put away so I couldn’t use the music on my laptop and a lot of other stuff wasn’t working. ~sigh~

I think I take my show too seriously. No one else gets as upset as I do when things don’t go smoothly. PLUS- my sons were wilding out and being KIDS. It really frustrated me though. I shouldn’t have let it get to me but when they interrupt me while I’m hosting my show I get so annoyed. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m sick, my entire body is aching and I’m just so worn out from producing TWO shows and trying to figure out what my next step in life is going to be.

Although I love what I’m learning in school, I’m not so sure this path is right for me. Most people go to grad school so they’ll make more money when they get out, but that’s just because they all expect to get traditional jobs. I don’t. I’m in grad school to learn. Honestly, I don’t see myself going through this entire program. I really don’t. I don’t think the academic environment is for me. It seems that to be successful in this environment you have to be a follower- you know, mimic the teacher, say “Yes sir and no sir” I haven’t learned how to do that yet. I want to put my own spin on everything I do and so far from what I’ve seen, it’s not allowed.

I know that I can be a handful at times because I expect the same things I give, consistency, support, encouragement but… ~sigh~

Whatever man…

As Tyler Durden would say, “Let the chips fall where they may.”

That is a very enlightening statement. Imagine going through life not worrying about your next step. Imagine just allowing things to happen and working with what you got. Imagine not trying to be perfect but just trying to give the best of you.

Wouldn’t life be more grand that way? I’m tired of pushing and pulling and trying to force things. Even though I definitely believe in the concept of deliberate creation there comes a point when you have to realize that sometimes your route is planned out for you and you can’t miss out on anything that’s coming if you approach life in a positive way.

Even though I have my BFF Tamara, somehow I still feel like I’m alone on this journey. But who else do I expect to be with me since I am my own guide and captain?

Just the other day I made the decision to change residences. I have no idea where I’m going or how I’m going to do it, but it’s an expressed desire and I believe it will be delivered. I even told my roommates that I am leaving by the end of April. Once you announce what you plan to do, it’s pretty much placing energy behind what you want so it HAS to manifest. Well, that’s what I believe.

What do I WANT to happen? Let’s see…I haven’t given it too much thought but I will now.

I’d like to get a place of my own, a very nice place for me and my sons to relax in and be comfortable. I’d like a big BED thats so comfy and fresh and I’d like it to come in a miraculous way. I’d like an opportunity to express myself creatively in a BIG way that is financially lucrative and brings with it a calm, pleasant, accomplished feeling.

Tonight I was trying to explain to my boys something that is quite difficult for adults to even understand. They keep asking to go to Wanna Do City where they can act out their fantasies as a chef, a police officer or a doctor.

“Why do you want to go to that place?” I asked them.

“Cuz. It’s fun.”

“Well, how do you FEEL when you’re having fun?”

“I feel good. Happy.”

“Well then, you don’t really have to go to that specific place in order to experience those feelings. You can feel like that at anytime.”

They weren’t buying it.


How do I want to FEEL?

Secure. Safe. Abundant. ALIVE.

Do I feel that way now?

Yes, in a way, but there’s so much more I can do in this world.

But if you have those things now then why are you still searching for them? You don’t continue to look for your keys when they are right in your hand do you?

Good point.

I want to connect with people who are positive, energetic and driven. People who have good hearts and want to see other people achieve their dreams. People who think outside of the box and enjoy meeting others who think that way too.

Hmm….I wonder what life will bring next.