Share My World

Easy, Breezy

My blessing came today, in a most unexpected way.

One of my co workers stopped by to say Hi and ask if things were going well with my move to Dallas and my search for a place to live. I explained that the position was an excellent fit to fulfill my creative and professional needs and I was actually falling in love with the city.

“Do you need anything? I know you haven’t gotten paid yet?” she asked.

I thought for a moment. Maybe this could be God speaking.

“Yes,” I said slowly. “I am in need.”

“I can give you a couple of hundred dollars until you get paid next week? Will that help?”

“Yes, it will.”

“Today we will go out to lunch and I will fill up your gas tank for you and then we’ll go to the bank to get the money.”

“Ok, thank you.”

When lunchtime came we met by the elevators and rode down to the parking garage. I don’t know why I figured that she was going to follow me in her car so when she walked over to mine my eyes grew wide.

I shrugged and unlocked the doors. She gasped when she looked inside the window and saw that my car was filled with my stuff.

“What’s going on? Why is there so much stuff in here?!” she asked excitedly as a frown appeared on her face.

I sighed.

“Look, I haven’t found a place yet so I’m kinda living out of my car.”

“I’ll drive,” she said and we walked over to her car.

As we exited the parking garage she turned to me with a worried expression. “Ms. Tee, What is going on with you? Where are you living?”

I sighed. I hate telling people what I am doing because they never understand. They never see the big picture. They tend to look at me as if I’m failing in life because I’m not tied down to a job or a city when they should see the blessing and freedom I have to pursue my dreams.

“Look, if you’re going to ask me a personal question I am going to answer you but this must stay off the record and you can’t flip out.” I told her about my past and my lifestyle and my goals and how I believe God is leading me toward my destiny.

She frowned deeply. “But look at all of these apartments here. Those are nice, they have covered garages, why don’t you get one of those? I’m sure they don’t cost much. Texas isn’t as expensive as Miami is.”

“Those are nice and maybe I will get one one day. But for now I’m okay with finding a nice little efficiency and signing a 6 month lease, just to see how this job works out. I don’t want to go get anything expensive or fancy right now. I have to see if this is the company that God wants me to be at and for how long.”

Her voice cracked as she looked at me. “But you could be so much more successful if you settle down and stick to one thing. Get you a nice place and grow some! Don’t you want that?”

I sighed. I’m always defending my life choices.

“Yes, I do want that. I want the house, the nice car, the family…everything. But I also want to be happy in my career and I will not become tied down by bills and material things when I don’t even know if this company is going to treat me well. God could have something else for me and I want to be ready to go and receive it.”

“But why would God have you like this? Um… struggling? Why would He do this to you?”

“Whose said I was struggling? God always blesses me. See. I have money now. I can buy us lunch.”

She shook her head as we pulled into the Subway to grab a couple of sandwhiches.

As we got out I asked her, “You don’t know anyone who lives like I do or is seeking their perfect fit for a job?”

“I do know people who aren’t afraid to move but I would NEVER move to a city with nothing and live like you are living. I have my family and my job and that brings me satisfaction. I don’t think God would ever put me in that kind of place.”

“Well, don’t think I don’t cry sometimes and get frustrated because I want to have a home again. But I also want to be wise about the whole thing and I am not afraid to leave if this doesn’t work out. I have skills. I can move to any city and find a good job. I’m not afraid to keep looking.”

“Well what does our company need to do to satisfy you?”

“Well, I need to be a part of a supportive environment that appreciates my skills and my work ethic. I want to see a pathway for me to grow as a professional and I want to be a part of a team that wants me there. If I don’t find that here, then this is not the right company for me. Either way I will be alright.”

She continues frowning at me and I can tell that I am making her uncomfortable. I don’t want to make her feel uneasy but I don’t know how to be anyone other than who I am. The woman that I am KNOWS that I am a force to be reckoned with. The woman that I am KNOWS that I would be an asset to the right company. I just have to be sure that this is the right place. God led me here, I know that. Maybe the only reason I came through Houston was to meet the Prez and prepare me for the move to Dallas to work in what seems to be a spectacular position.

I’m okay with being homeless right now. I’m a happy homeless person. I go to work excited every morning and I work all day, fulfilled in what I am learning and contributing. I like my team members and the company that I am with but it’s only been one week.

I call this move a success because my needs are consistently met through my faith.

I will live an abundant life. I will have a beautiful home one day. I will get to achieve all of my dreams and I can imagine them coming true in Dallas but I’m not afraid to move on if they don’t. I’m going to sign a 6 month lease. That will commit me to this job and this city for 6 months when this job has in no way committed itself to me. I am under employment “at will”. Just like they look out for their best interests, I have to look out for mine.

I wish I could stay though. I wish I could make a home here and continue to love this city.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would take to make me stay here at the end of my 6 months.

A promotion.
A raise.
Making friends.
Having a little fun.
Meeting a nice, successful business owner who respects and admires my spirit and is open to developing a committed relationship with me.

I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I just want to be a part of a larger vision and I want my role to be unique and important.

I have a distinct gift to give and I want the company I am with to recognize and appreciate that. I’m not running, I’m in pursuit. In pursuit of my wildest fantasies and I’m learning so much along the way.

Right now my wildest fantasies include growing with this company and expanding my role on the radio and then into television with their parent company. I also see myself writing books and being heavily marketed by the people who recognize my gifts and what an asset those gifts could be to their vision.

I want the man who loves me to see the same things. I want him to see how his vision for his life can be made possible through a union with me. I want him to see me as a necessary asset to the accomplishment of his goals. But I don’t want to choose the man like I’ve done in the past. I’ve always made the wrong choices. I want him to choose ME.

Sometimes I think about the Prez and whether we’d be a good match for each other. But honestly, aside from the MUTE button on my mouth that is pressed whenever he is around, I am not caught up with the fantasy of him like I was with so many dudes in my past. He has a million wonderful qualities on paper, but if he doesn’t treat me as well as Donovan and he doesn’t value me then he’s not worth as much as I imagine him to be.

I won’t get caught up in the “fantasy” of a man like I did with Donovan. Even though with Donovan, I was right about who I thought he was, he still wasn’t the one for me. I won’t allow my vivid imagination to cause heartache anymore.

But it’s funny because…I walk in so much peace.

It’s beautiful to live life knowing that you can’t lose no matter what happens because God is on your side. Even with the guy in Houston who took my money and dissappeared– I know I will get my money back one day and it will come just when I need it.

I have peace in my life now. It’s been a long time coming. I wish others around me could have it too. Their frantic anxiety doesn’t phase me though. Thank God for that. Their fears don’t harm me.

I am well taken care of and by God’s divine right, I will receive even more than my heart ever desired.

I know it.

I hope you know it.

I sit expecting miracle after miracle and I look for every opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.

I will find my perfect fit, my perfect city, God’s perfect Will and it will all come with no headaches, no struggles and no heavy labor on my part.

Everything will be easy, breezy from now on.

Life is going to be just fine.

“Listen,” I told my co worker when we reached our office. “I do not want you to worry about me. I am fine. I will live a brilliant life. I have peace. I want you to have peace too.”

Up Yours, Ni&&er!

As soon as I was hired the HR Manager went through her checklist of forms I had to sign. She stopped short when she got to a line in particular.

“Um…The Radio Man’s favorite movie is Blazing Saddles. All employees are required to watch it and believe me he WILL quiz you on it.”

Huh?

I had never heard of Blazing Saddles before but each time I mentioned it to any of my co workers they just looked away and said, “Enjoy.”

I was NOT looking forward to watching it but since I had nothing better to do tonight and I had borrowed it from the cute male receptionist I decided to go ahead and watch it.

That shit was hilarious!

I wonder why no one liked it?

We’re Only Human

I can’t help it, my friends are a reflection of me.

These chicks are beautiful, brilliant, good hearted but LOOSE as hell!

I won’t identify the sources of these quotes but I will say, they are all TRUE and all came from the mouths of my closest friends.

~shakes head~

Here are some of the wildest things my friends have ever told me.

My Girl: So I just had this feeling right. Something inside me told me to drive down to the house he was building. It took me about 25 minutes to get there right and when I get there guess what I saw? He was sitting up in a car with this girl.

Me: How that hoe looked?

My Girl: Like a regular hoe.

Me: Mmm. I know that’s right. So what did you do?

My Girl: Girl….He got out acting like it wasn’t nothing saying she just gave him a ride because his truck was in the shop. So I said, “Why you ain’t ask ME for a ride?” Then he gave me some excuse.

Me: Did you leave?

My Girl: Hell no! I followed their car BACK to his cousin house and she left and I almost went upside his head with my water bottle! Tee! I almost lost it!

Me: Girl, you crazy!

My Girl: So you remember when voice messaging on yahoo messenger first came out right? Well, I didn’t know how to use it or anything but I kept seeing that I had messages so one day I checked the messages and it was this GIRL on there tombout, “What’s up this Ray Ray girlfriend. I seent your name in his phone. You can hit me back at chicalot.tie1@yahoo.com” and then she left her phone number.

Me: For real girl? What the hell did you do?

My Girl: Girl, I wasn’t even dealing with her dude so I called her back to tell her! And she answered and was telling me that he has a girlfriend and she lives with him and so on. I was like, “OK. I got a man I don’t want him.” And then she was slick rapping asking me questions like, “How often do you see him?”

So I said, “EVERY WEEK!”

So she said, “What kind of woman are you KNOWING this dude has a girlfriend and you still messing with him?”

So I said, “Bitch I will fuck him TONIGHT if you don’t stop talking shit!”

My Girl: Yeah girl, lemme tell you. You can’t throw your pearls to the pigs. When your friends don’t understand the dynamics of your relationship with God and the intimacy you share, ofcourse they won’t understand your right to ask God for exactly what you want your life to be like and the reasoning behind why you won’t settle.

Me: FOR REAL GIRL!

My Girl: Yeah girl…Cuz one day we’re gonna be riding in your private jet on the way have lunch lunch in Hawaii and we’ll pick up a few new purses on the way there!

Me: I believe it!

My Girl: Yeah girl, it’s gonna be Fendi and Louis Vuitton for life- In Jesus name!

My Girl: Yeah so people don’t believe me when I tell them I hear from God. When you hear from God you gotta know it for yourself. And I would have never received my blessing if I hadn’t married him.

Me: Umm…But he left you.

My Girl: Yeah but…there’s a blessing in that I promise you. I know you can’t see it now…

My Girl: So yeah this was one of my regulars. You know when I really need a fix I call him. So I called him late one night and told him, “Go take a shower. I’m coming over. Meet me at the door wearing just your towel.”

Me: Did he do it?

My Girl: Hell yeah! When I got there he answered the door smiling and I could see he was hard through the towel.

Me: oh shit.

My Girl: So I tapped his d** and said, “Now get your ass in the room!”

My Girl: So I was fired up after I went through his emails and saw that mess. So girl.. I couldn’t help it. I went over to his complex, pulled out my knife and I slashed his tires.

Me: NO YOU DIDN’T!

My Girl: Yes I did girl. The next day he came to me asking me if I did it and I told him No. And then I said, “Hmm..That must be karma. What have you been up to?”

My Girl: This bitch at work has been looking for another job for longer than I have. So when I told her about my job offers and she just rolled her eyes. I didn’t care. How about the next day she came to me and asked me if I had seen the new houses that were being built near Lincoln Road and I said no. Then she proceeds to tell me about her plans to buy a new house.

I was like, “Bitch, your’e a BITER! What….You admire me?!”

********bonus********

So I was in Atlanta during my loose stage and I was getting it with this fine ass dude who knew what he was doing! ~shakes head~ Lord, send a revival. In the midst of our bump and grind I stopped and turned around, looked him right in the eye with a mean face, threatening to pull away if he didn’t say it.

“Tell me I’m a star!” I demanded.

His eyelids fluttered but he responded quickly, “Fuck a regular star, you’re a SUPERSTAR!”

She Asked Me to Sing

It’s true that my imagination rules my life. It always has, ever since I was a child. When I was little I used to imagine myself touring the country, speaking and writing books that millons loved. I imagined wonderfully wealthy men spoiling me and adoring me. I imagined myself with fans and admirers.

Did I really BELIEVE all of that was going to happen?

Hmmm…Yes and No. I didn’t really care if it happened or not, I just enjoyed the fantasy.

I spoke with Anna the other day. God is blessing me so much because she and I have started speaking to each other regularly. She is one of the strongest women I know and also one of the funniest. It’s pure joy to talk to her and whenever I see her name on my Caller ID, I stop what I’m doing to take the time to relax and laugh with her.

The other night we were talking about my Faith Walk and she assured me that she never worries about me. She doesn’t see me as being homeless or struggling or failing at life because she feels like everything I’m going through is a straight shot to the fulfillment of all of my dreams. It seems like she completely understands.

Why do people think my life is difficult? Why does everyone think I’m struggling?

Don’t you see that ever since I have been on this journey, God has held me by the hand every step of the way? Even when I don’t understand why I’m doing something or why I’m making a move, I just trust my best judgement, God’s guidance, and I never lack.

Don’t you remember how afraid I used to be? I would freak out when I lost a job or my Baby Daddy would be mean to me.

Through all of this I have learned one important lesson; God is my supply. I don’t have to fuck a single man to get meals and I don’t have to work a steady job to have everything I need. If I had those things I would credit those things for my sustenance, but since I don’t have them I know that God is the one who is providing for me.

God is my supply. And He is quite good at what He does.

Imagine that I have never gone without. I have NEVER struggled to pay any of my bills. I have NEVER asked anyone to give me money. Well, except for Curt that one time cuz he was bragging about the new contract he got at work and how much money he was about to bring in. So I said “If you got all that money, then pay my car note!” And he did.

See how easily things come to me.

The only thing I used to worry about was whether or not my boys were okay with me being away. But everytime I see them I can tell that their Daddy is taking such good care of them. They are learning and growing and they are just fine. That brings me peace.

See how in your eyes I may be having a difficult time but in reality, I’m floating on God’s love and provision. No, I may not be able to shop but when I went to Miami, Marsha gave me some of her old clothes. They look so nice!

Whenever I have a need I just stick my hand out and it is placed right there. Whatever it is!

And think of the people I’m meeting along this journey. They are so different from the people I’m used to associating with.

No Christian that I have ever met, in fact NO ONE I have ever met lives their lives as abundantly as the people I meet in hostels, boarding houses or shelters. We don’t have much but we share what little we have. We bless each other and we connect easily.

One time a man offered me a sip of his Big Gulp but I thanked him and declined when I remembered I had a bottle of Gatorade in my car.

One man I met in Houston gave me a few slices of his pizza one night when it was late and I was hungry. A few days later, after I was blessed with cash, I took myself out to dinner and ate only a little so that I could bring the food back to him. He was so happy!

No one is complaining or whining or worrying about the next day. No one ever speaks ill of others or is anxious about the next day. Do you know what it’s like to meet people who are DRAMA FREE?! WORRY FREE! They’re just enjoying life and having adventures and blessing people wherever they go.

The other night my roommate was a woman in her 60’s. Her name was Harriet. She walked in with a smile and introduced herself, asking me if I had ever played the Dulcimer. I shook my head.

“Well, hopefully you will come and sing with me, I am about to play right now.”

SING?

YAY!

Everyone always tells me to shut up when I sing. And here this lady was requesting it! Glory be to God!

She played and we sang for at least an hour. She even taught me how to play a few chords and I was excited about that! It felt so good.

Then she told me her story. She had been traveling and enjoying herself for about two weeks when she thought, “Wow. I’m having such a good time I don’t even want to go home.” But then she thought about her house and how she needed to be there to maintain it and an idea came to her. What if she sold her house? What if she took the money and was able to travel and meet great people?

So that’s what she did. She drives from city to city, living in boarding houses and hostels and enjoying a relaxed life. She is free to go and do and BE!

I admire that.

Meeting her ignited a strange flame inside of me.

“I’m a happy homeless person,” she said. “Because home is where my heart is.”

And my heart is so grateful to God that He is consistently meeting my needs. I don’t have to beg, borrow or steal. I eat everyday. It may not be filet mignon but I don’t experience hunger pains.

Can you imagine what it feels like not to worry about ANYTHING?

The woman at my job believes that I am fearful because I won’t get a fancy apartment and settle in. Some people write to me warning me to stop imagining struggle for my life because that’s why my life has been a struggle. Others simply shake their hands in amazement because without the security of their paychecks on the 1st and the 15th they would go crazy.

The only thing I worry about is the people who worry about me!

I am NOT imagining struggle for my life. Therefore I am not struggling. What you see as meager, difficult living has been the greatest blessing to me. I am NOT going to go out and grab and apartment just because I have a job that I like when I don’t feel like I’m supposed to do that.

It’s so funny that the people who often come to me with directives about my life are the people whose lives I LEAST want to imitate. That makes me laugh!

Oh so you want me to follow your advice so I can be just like YOU?

I’ll pass.

But then I realize that they are not giving me advice in order to control me. They truly believe that their words will make my life better because in THEIR eyes, I could be doing better than I am doing right now.

That makes me smile. If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t say anything.

I’m okay being me and living my life in the way that God leads. I’m okay with being cautious at times and daring at others. As each situation arises I react accordingly.

God’s divine plan can not be stopped or altered if I seek Him diligently.

I am learning this the hard way because sometimes I try to settle for “good right now” just because I want a quick fix. A couple of weeks ago I met this fine ass dude and he asked me for my number. I took his instead but I didn’t plan to call him because he ain’t a CEO.

But last weekend I was bored and I decided to find the number and give him a call. I found his number and dialed. “Doo-Doo-Doo. The number you have reached has been disconnected.”

~sigh~

God probably knows that I woulda fucked the shit outta that dude just to have something to do.

Man…God be BLOCKIN!

~smile~

And I appreciate that.

Teary Eyed & Making Love
On Youtube

What a beautiful weekend!

You can tell that I enjoyed myself by the fact that I didn’t get any work completed. Yesterday I laid out by the pool and played around on my laptop while this guy talked and talked and talked and talked.

I was half listening, half hoping that he would go away. When I found myself praying that he would leave me alone I stopped myself and then changed my prayer to, “Well, if this guy needs someone to listen to him then give me the patience to do it.” A few minutes later he left to go to the store and I made a quick exit.

Last night I decided that I wanted to cry so I went on Youtube and watched a few videos.

Celie and Nettie re-unite in The Color Purple.

Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks kiss in You’ve Got Mail

The moment passes Julia Robert’s by in My Best Friend’s Wedding

Better Midler knows her friend was the wind beneath her wings.

Love Actually scene where she realizes her husband’s bestfriend loves her.

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday by Boyz II Men

Then I got a little horny so I watched…

Anytime by Janet Jackson

LSG’s My Body All Over Your Body

I Got My T-Shirt and My Panties On

I’ll Make Love To You

Then I had to stop watchng these because my heart couldn’t take it.

One of my fantasies is to have my wonderful, successful, adorable man play a nice love making CD while he seduces me. Isn’t it weird that out of all the secks I’ve had, no one has ever done this for me?

~shrugs~

I guess I still have a lot to experience. I’m sure it will come.

Someday….

Little Annoyances

Lately I don’t sleep well.

It’s not because I’m afraid of anything, it’s more because I can’t stop thinking about work.

This is such a great opportunity for me to grow and prove myself. This company is off the chain!

But there’s always so much to do. Most nights I don’t leave before 7pm even though I’m there by 8:30am everyday. My daily goals sheet is almost never completed before I leave and I have to resist the urge to go home and work the entire time but…I’m beginning to think that it’s not such a bad idea.

My team is filled with geeks. We laugh at each other about that. We’re all nerdy and eager to produce the very best. Believe it or not the site is run by a small team of people, with my role being brand new. Everyone says they appreciate my input because my concentration is improving and driving the content of the website, ensuring that all sponsorships are supported with original content. Can you believe that?

They appreciate my input. We feed off of each other. My ideas are made perfect with their input. Their ideas are polished by my communication style. It’s like…synergy.

Today I went to my first production meeting. It’s the meeting where all of the producers and some staff meet to discuss the plan of action for various facets that support the radio show.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw The Prez sitting at the head of the table.

That man is a BEAST!

And I mean that in the most endearing way. He led that damn meeting. I was blown away. I gave my little presentation and he said, “Good job.”

As he challenged the team to produce their very best, I was thinking all kinds of unprofessional thoughts about him.

~shakes head~

Gutter mind. Gutter mind.

But I’ve decided to break up with him in my mind. All this time I thought I wanted to be with a businessman like him. He has almost every quality that I want to develop in myself as well as all of those qualities that I have prayed for in a man and…that shit scares me.

I don’t know if I’m ready for all that.

Yep…this Dude freaks me out with his brilliance.

I’m not saying I’m not good enough, I’m just saying he’s like WHOA. I’ve never seen anything like it.

This dude is a MAN. I’m so used to dealing with gay dudes or little scared boys in men’s clothes.

But yet I realize, I still have so much growing to do.

I ain’t ready.

Now I see why men in my past had pulled away. You know when you’re not ready…

I got a boost when I received the most beautiful email today from a reader. I live for these appreciative emails and if you only knew the kind of mail I got on a daily basis you would fall out. All of my mail isn’t “You go girl!” Some of it is “You are crazy.”

I try not to take things too personally but I’m sensitive so I usually call my friends and they pep me up.

You ever read that scripture, “Where two or more agree….?”

Well, that is more than just calling your favorite friend to pray with you. It’s more like having a great friend who believes with you for your life goals in Christ.

I have so many people who believe with me that I am sure my dreams will come true. Honestly…if it wasn’t for my friends I could not make it through this.

They don’t TELL me what to do, but they support my decisions and encourage me by staying on my level of faith and integrity.

I need that. It energizes me.

Ughhh….

I’m doing really well with this guy who is stuck to me like glue when I get home. The same guy who was annoying me by the pool the other day and every day since. I usually bring my laptop and sit on the porch to write but he always comes out here talking and talking no matter what time I try to sneak out. I’m trying to be polite because I feel like he may need a listening ear but I want to tell him to shut the fuck up.

He’s sitting right next to me right now telling me a story about how his friends, teachers and everyone is always jealous of him. He’s a 39 year old white man who is traveling through Dallas on his way back to visit his family in New Mexico.

He won’t shut the hell up!

I can’t even THINK of what I came out here to write.

Damn!

~sigh~

What’s a nice way to say LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE?

Updates

I went through almost a half a box of tissues today at work.

I was crying and crying about everything.

Mother’s Day is coming and I’m not gonna be with my kids. wahhhh….

I need to go to the dentist. wahhhhh….

I wanna be successful RIGHT NOW! wahhhh….

Nobody loves me. wahhhh….

Nobody calls me. wahhhh…..

I hate myself. wahhhh….

I’m ugly! wahhhh……

Then I thought about something. Hmmm….

I haven’t had my period in a while. Maybe this PMS stuff is for real. I always thought it was made up.

Sure enough… as soon as I got home from work and went to the bathroom I was like, “WOW! I need a tampon.”

I hopped all around my room going in and out of my bags and I couldn’t find one. Damn. I know I have one somewhere. It’s like in between periods I never think about them damn things and I’m almost surprised when it comes again.

Damn! I need a tampon!

Then in a flash of light it came to me. So I pulled on a dress, ran outside, down the stairs out of the building, into the parking lot and rushed over to the passenger side of my car.

EUREKA!

I found it.

Why is there always an extra tampon in the glove compartment?

I don’t know how old this bitch is but I’m going to wear it until I can get to the stoe! I think the tampon fairy be hiding them bitches in there cuz when I’m in a pinch I can always find them….

Or…

Maybe it’s GOD who is my supply!

LOL!

Anyway…after I cleaned up I immediately called my Mama and we chatted about whatever.

“Dang,” I said to her. “I think I need to wash my hair tonight.”

“What hair? All you gotta do is wipe that shit off.”

“You got jokes Ma.”

I’m so excited. My little sister is immersing herself into the internet world. She’s on myspace and facebook. Her name is Teenie if you ever see her around. Maybe I’ll convince her to start reading my blog one day.

It’s funny how no one from my family reads it and only half of my close friends read it. ~shrugs~ I don’t know what’s going on with that.

All day long I worked to fine tune the debut of my first feature section. It’s LIVE ya’ll. You can check it out. Ok, so I chose all of the pictures, coordinated the development of all of the stories and wrote some of the stories but if you stay tuned over the next few weeks I plan to roll out other features that showcase some of your favorite bloggers.

We’re all writers so I figured that I’d give those who want a chance to write, the opportunity to do so. And so far I’ve been blown away! Thanks for doing a great job guys!

It’s the internet man!

It’s so different from working in print.

In print, when the story is done and sent to the copy editors your hands are tied.

On the INTERNET- Hell…I’m always revising stories and catching mistakes and adding extra things to it. The story is never completed. Sometimes I have to say, “STOP, work on another story. Stop revising it.”

It’s the INTERNET! I love it!

I think I’m in love….

I update a website for a living.

~sigh~

Grumbling and Mumbling

No, I’m not the easiest person to hang around.

All day long I shower people with praise and point out their fabulosity and use every chance I get to tell them how wonderful they are. Some people HATE me for this but I can’t help it. All I see when I look at you is how great you are.

I have a story to write and I’m stalling. My mind can’t let go of all of my shortcomings. You know, the things I need to fix about myself. These days it’s more of a physical thing than anything mental because my shift in mental attitude when I realized how my expectations RULE my world have caused me to expect only wonderful things and wonderful things happen consistently!

This still doesn’t help with the other physical things that I need to work on like…my teeth.

I have horrible teeth.

I remember when I was with my Baby Daddy he said, “As soon as I get some money I’m gonna get your teeth fixed for you Babe. Once you do that, you’ll be fine.”

I have cavities and bad breath all the time. I need to get that handled. Do you know how good it feels to have INSURANCE?! Oh my gosh! I haven’t had that in forever. I can go to the doctor! We have full coverage DENTAL too! I think I may faint!

The last time I went to the dentist they gave me a projected bill for my dental work and I shrugged and threw that shit in the garbage. I didn’t have money for that.

A couple of visits to the doctor, a few dozen visits to the dentist and I should be all right. Then I can concentrate on improving the outside.

I fantasize about having good meals on a regular basis. Homecooked meals. Meals NOT cooked by me. I wonder how that’s gonna happen?

I also wish I could take a day to detoxify myself and you have no idea how long it’s been since I relaxed in a warm BATH.

A massage would be nice.

I’m a BEAST at work, but at least I haven’t smelled like one lately. I think my expectation that I WON’T smell like hot cootchie has led to me not reeking. Or maybe I just haven’t noticed.

There are so many pretty women at my office. I check them all out, but not too closely. If any of them are bi or gay I don’t want them thinking I am too, which they probably think anyway because everyone thinks that I like women. Which I kinda do… A little bit. Women are so beautiful to me. I just don’t want to touch them.

Blah…

I’m procrastinating…

Let me go write this story…after I make one phone call.

Famous Predictions

I hate email forwards but I had to share this one.

So…You tell me I can’t have EVERY SINGLE THING I envision for my life?

Well…these people were naysayers too…

“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.” — Dr. Lee DeForest, “Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television.”

“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.” – – Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project”There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.” — Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers .” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.” — Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers .” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,” — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,” — Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,” — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented,” — Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

“I don’t know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn’t be a feasible business by itself.” — the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

I’m Just a Misfit

I’ve had a week of blah days.

I don’t know if it’s the rain or PMS but I can’t shake it. I’m realizing that even some of my closest friends don’t “get” me and I’ve been feeling rather lonely and invisible.

My work is the only evidence that I am alive. Oh, I guess this blog too.

I’ve been feeling anxious about Dallas and this job. I’m holding it down at work, doing my usual overachiever thing and no one is upset by that which surprises me.

Today I got the feeling that I shouldn’t be here. My only concern is, I don’t have any other place to be. Do I get up and go, searching for my next opportunity? Am I just scared that the rest of my time here will be like the past 10 months of my life, filled with uncertainty and dissappontment?

But then I can “hear” the words of Florence Scovel Shinn in my head reminding me that “nothing is too good to be true” and “nothing is too good to last forever”.

I am a magnet for all things wonderful and perfect. God’s light shines over my life, guiding me toward my true destiny in Christ, if I diligently seek Him.

But why am I feeling so afraid all of a sudden?

Why can’t I rest?

I carry this huge burden of responsibility on my shoulders. It’s the promise that I made to my kids that we will be back together again. When will that happen? I’ll have to settle down and be stable to do that. How will that happen when I’m always starting over? How will I accomplish my dreams if I can’t go and move and embrace new opportunities for advancement in my career?

Sometimes I wish my passion was nursing or teaching or something more stable. This “pursuing your passion by example” journey that I am on leads me to take risks and be unstable at times.

I want a home. I want things to fit right.

I don’t feel like I’m a good fit for anywhere right now.

My job is so easy. It’s enjoyable and the pay is okay. I think it’s my lack of a social life that is leading to these blahs. I look at Kim who just made a faith move and I sigh because she’s so happy and enjoying herself with her friends.

I want friends too. But I’m not friendly at all. I’m cordial but I’m not about to invite strangers into my life like that when I see evidence that they have qualities that I don’t allow in my mental space. If I see that you’re a gossip, I can’t hang around you. If I see that you talk bad about people or things, I can’t be in conversation with you. If I find you to be an indirect communicator, I’m not interested in communicating with you.

Why do I have all of these rules? I guess..I just can’t allow just ANYONE to get close to me. When the wrong people are too close, they can drag you down.

I spoke to Mimi the other day and she reminded me that because my standards are so high, that it would be difficult to ease into relationships. When someone is a friend to all, you can pretty much expect that they are compromising who they are to fit in with each individual personality. I can’t cater to people like that just to have company.

So until I receive those friends that God has for me I’ll continue to seduce my computer nightly and embrace my fantasies of being settled and living the life of my dreams.

Donovan and I text message daily. He’s so goofy it’s cute. Today he wrote to me that he’s diabolical and I asked him to tell me what he was plotting lately. He wrote: I’m plotting on keeping an everlasting smile on Ashley’s face.

~gag~

Sometimes I can’t stand him and all of his goodness. It gets under my skin and I know why…It’s because I can’t stand the fact that I’m meeting wonderful men who are gentlemen and sweet and caring…all to OTHER WOMEN. Damn!

I try to look at the world like Chosen does, you can tell she’s a preacher at heart. Thinking positively on the situation like she does leads me to believe that I’m attracting what I desire in men and these men who are new to my world are all precursors to the man God has for me.

I think about my future and my impending success and I am so impatient. I want it NOW! I’m such a brat.

Where am I?

Oh yeah…I’m in Dallas.

But where am I really?

I’m floating somewhere between reality and fantasy, most times withdrawing into my fantasy self for entertainment and solice.

I won’t get depressed. I will just pour my heart into my work and think about the next time I will get to see my kids and my friends. Anna’s wedding is less than a month away and I will be back in Miami to celebrate. Raycita’s graduation is in two weeks and I will be in California to hang out with her. Marsha will give me a hug. She gives great hugs! She cuddles me like I’m her baby. I love that! I need that.

All of this internet love is wonderful but it doesn’t compare to a hug from someone who loves you.

I need a hug, God.

I need a sign that things will be good for me here.

Please let something OUTSTANDING and magical happen to me in the coming weeks so that I will be excited to be here.

Having a job I love isn’t enough. I want to know that I can live and be happy outside of work too. I don’t want to cry at work anymore.

I want to be…happy.