I’m Just a Misfit

I’ve had a week of blah days.

I don’t know if it’s the rain or PMS but I can’t shake it. I’m realizing that even some of my closest friends don’t “get” me and I’ve been feeling rather lonely and invisible.

My work is the only evidence that I am alive. Oh, I guess this blog too.

I’ve been feeling anxious about Dallas and this job. I’m holding it down at work, doing my usual overachiever thing and no one is upset by that which surprises me.

Today I got the feeling that I shouldn’t be here. My only concern is, I don’t have any other place to be. Do I get up and go, searching for my next opportunity? Am I just scared that the rest of my time here will be like the past 10 months of my life, filled with uncertainty and dissappontment?

But then I can “hear” the words of Florence Scovel Shinn in my head reminding me that “nothing is too good to be true” and “nothing is too good to last forever”.

I am a magnet for all things wonderful and perfect. God’s light shines over my life, guiding me toward my true destiny in Christ, if I diligently seek Him.

But why am I feeling so afraid all of a sudden?

Why can’t I rest?

I carry this huge burden of responsibility on my shoulders. It’s the promise that I made to my kids that we will be back together again. When will that happen? I’ll have to settle down and be stable to do that. How will that happen when I’m always starting over? How will I accomplish my dreams if I can’t go and move and embrace new opportunities for advancement in my career?

Sometimes I wish my passion was nursing or teaching or something more stable. This “pursuing your passion by example” journey that I am on leads me to take risks and be unstable at times.

I want a home. I want things to fit right.

I don’t feel like I’m a good fit for anywhere right now.

My job is so easy. It’s enjoyable and the pay is okay. I think it’s my lack of a social life that is leading to these blahs. I look at Kim who just made a faith move and I sigh because she’s so happy and enjoying herself with her friends.

I want friends too. But I’m not friendly at all. I’m cordial but I’m not about to invite strangers into my life like that when I see evidence that they have qualities that I don’t allow in my mental space. If I see that you’re a gossip, I can’t hang around you. If I see that you talk bad about people or things, I can’t be in conversation with you. If I find you to be an indirect communicator, I’m not interested in communicating with you.

Why do I have all of these rules? I guess..I just can’t allow just ANYONE to get close to me. When the wrong people are too close, they can drag you down.

I spoke to Mimi the other day and she reminded me that because my standards are so high, that it would be difficult to ease into relationships. When someone is a friend to all, you can pretty much expect that they are compromising who they are to fit in with each individual personality. I can’t cater to people like that just to have company.

So until I receive those friends that God has for me I’ll continue to seduce my computer nightly and embrace my fantasies of being settled and living the life of my dreams.

Donovan and I text message daily. He’s so goofy it’s cute. Today he wrote to me that he’s diabolical and I asked him to tell me what he was plotting lately. He wrote: I’m plotting on keeping an everlasting smile on Ashley’s face.

~gag~

Sometimes I can’t stand him and all of his goodness. It gets under my skin and I know why…It’s because I can’t stand the fact that I’m meeting wonderful men who are gentlemen and sweet and caring…all to OTHER WOMEN. Damn!

I try to look at the world like Chosen does, you can tell she’s a preacher at heart. Thinking positively on the situation like she does leads me to believe that I’m attracting what I desire in men and these men who are new to my world are all precursors to the man God has for me.

I think about my future and my impending success and I am so impatient. I want it NOW! I’m such a brat.

Where am I?

Oh yeah…I’m in Dallas.

But where am I really?

I’m floating somewhere between reality and fantasy, most times withdrawing into my fantasy self for entertainment and solice.

I won’t get depressed. I will just pour my heart into my work and think about the next time I will get to see my kids and my friends. Anna’s wedding is less than a month away and I will be back in Miami to celebrate. Raycita’s graduation is in two weeks and I will be in California to hang out with her. Marsha will give me a hug. She gives great hugs! She cuddles me like I’m her baby. I love that! I need that.

All of this internet love is wonderful but it doesn’t compare to a hug from someone who loves you.

I need a hug, God.

I need a sign that things will be good for me here.

Please let something OUTSTANDING and magical happen to me in the coming weeks so that I will be excited to be here.

Having a job I love isn’t enough. I want to know that I can live and be happy outside of work too. I don’t want to cry at work anymore.

I want to be…happy.