Easy, Breezy

My blessing came today, in a most unexpected way.

One of my co workers stopped by to say Hi and ask if things were going well with my move to Dallas and my search for a place to live. I explained that the position was an excellent fit to fulfill my creative and professional needs and I was actually falling in love with the city.

“Do you need anything? I know you haven’t gotten paid yet?” she asked.

I thought for a moment. Maybe this could be God speaking.

“Yes,” I said slowly. “I am in need.”

“I can give you a couple of hundred dollars until you get paid next week? Will that help?”

“Yes, it will.”

“Today we will go out to lunch and I will fill up your gas tank for you and then we’ll go to the bank to get the money.”

“Ok, thank you.”

When lunchtime came we met by the elevators and rode down to the parking garage. I don’t know why I figured that she was going to follow me in her car so when she walked over to mine my eyes grew wide.

I shrugged and unlocked the doors. She gasped when she looked inside the window and saw that my car was filled with my stuff.

“What’s going on? Why is there so much stuff in here?!” she asked excitedly as a frown appeared on her face.

I sighed.

“Look, I haven’t found a place yet so I’m kinda living out of my car.”

“I’ll drive,” she said and we walked over to her car.

As we exited the parking garage she turned to me with a worried expression. “Ms. Tee, What is going on with you? Where are you living?”

I sighed. I hate telling people what I am doing because they never understand. They never see the big picture. They tend to look at me as if I’m failing in life because I’m not tied down to a job or a city when they should see the blessing and freedom I have to pursue my dreams.

“Look, if you’re going to ask me a personal question I am going to answer you but this must stay off the record and you can’t flip out.” I told her about my past and my lifestyle and my goals and how I believe God is leading me toward my destiny.

She frowned deeply. “But look at all of these apartments here. Those are nice, they have covered garages, why don’t you get one of those? I’m sure they don’t cost much. Texas isn’t as expensive as Miami is.”

“Those are nice and maybe I will get one one day. But for now I’m okay with finding a nice little efficiency and signing a 6 month lease, just to see how this job works out. I don’t want to go get anything expensive or fancy right now. I have to see if this is the company that God wants me to be at and for how long.”

Her voice cracked as she looked at me. “But you could be so much more successful if you settle down and stick to one thing. Get you a nice place and grow some! Don’t you want that?”

I sighed. I’m always defending my life choices.

“Yes, I do want that. I want the house, the nice car, the family…everything. But I also want to be happy in my career and I will not become tied down by bills and material things when I don’t even know if this company is going to treat me well. God could have something else for me and I want to be ready to go and receive it.”

“But why would God have you like this? Um… struggling? Why would He do this to you?”

“Whose said I was struggling? God always blesses me. See. I have money now. I can buy us lunch.”

She shook her head as we pulled into the Subway to grab a couple of sandwhiches.

As we got out I asked her, “You don’t know anyone who lives like I do or is seeking their perfect fit for a job?”

“I do know people who aren’t afraid to move but I would NEVER move to a city with nothing and live like you are living. I have my family and my job and that brings me satisfaction. I don’t think God would ever put me in that kind of place.”

“Well, don’t think I don’t cry sometimes and get frustrated because I want to have a home again. But I also want to be wise about the whole thing and I am not afraid to leave if this doesn’t work out. I have skills. I can move to any city and find a good job. I’m not afraid to keep looking.”

“Well what does our company need to do to satisfy you?”

“Well, I need to be a part of a supportive environment that appreciates my skills and my work ethic. I want to see a pathway for me to grow as a professional and I want to be a part of a team that wants me there. If I don’t find that here, then this is not the right company for me. Either way I will be alright.”

She continues frowning at me and I can tell that I am making her uncomfortable. I don’t want to make her feel uneasy but I don’t know how to be anyone other than who I am. The woman that I am KNOWS that I am a force to be reckoned with. The woman that I am KNOWS that I would be an asset to the right company. I just have to be sure that this is the right place. God led me here, I know that. Maybe the only reason I came through Houston was to meet the Prez and prepare me for the move to Dallas to work in what seems to be a spectacular position.

I’m okay with being homeless right now. I’m a happy homeless person. I go to work excited every morning and I work all day, fulfilled in what I am learning and contributing. I like my team members and the company that I am with but it’s only been one week.

I call this move a success because my needs are consistently met through my faith.

I will live an abundant life. I will have a beautiful home one day. I will get to achieve all of my dreams and I can imagine them coming true in Dallas but I’m not afraid to move on if they don’t. I’m going to sign a 6 month lease. That will commit me to this job and this city for 6 months when this job has in no way committed itself to me. I am under employment “at will”. Just like they look out for their best interests, I have to look out for mine.

I wish I could stay though. I wish I could make a home here and continue to love this city.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would take to make me stay here at the end of my 6 months.

A promotion.
A raise.
Making friends.
Having a little fun.
Meeting a nice, successful business owner who respects and admires my spirit and is open to developing a committed relationship with me.

I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I just want to be a part of a larger vision and I want my role to be unique and important.

I have a distinct gift to give and I want the company I am with to recognize and appreciate that. I’m not running, I’m in pursuit. In pursuit of my wildest fantasies and I’m learning so much along the way.

Right now my wildest fantasies include growing with this company and expanding my role on the radio and then into television with their parent company. I also see myself writing books and being heavily marketed by the people who recognize my gifts and what an asset those gifts could be to their vision.

I want the man who loves me to see the same things. I want him to see how his vision for his life can be made possible through a union with me. I want him to see me as a necessary asset to the accomplishment of his goals. But I don’t want to choose the man like I’ve done in the past. I’ve always made the wrong choices. I want him to choose ME.

Sometimes I think about the Prez and whether we’d be a good match for each other. But honestly, aside from the MUTE button on my mouth that is pressed whenever he is around, I am not caught up with the fantasy of him like I was with so many dudes in my past. He has a million wonderful qualities on paper, but if he doesn’t treat me as well as Donovan and he doesn’t value me then he’s not worth as much as I imagine him to be.

I won’t get caught up in the “fantasy” of a man like I did with Donovan. Even though with Donovan, I was right about who I thought he was, he still wasn’t the one for me. I won’t allow my vivid imagination to cause heartache anymore.

But it’s funny because…I walk in so much peace.

It’s beautiful to live life knowing that you can’t lose no matter what happens because God is on your side. Even with the guy in Houston who took my money and dissappeared– I know I will get my money back one day and it will come just when I need it.

I have peace in my life now. It’s been a long time coming. I wish others around me could have it too. Their frantic anxiety doesn’t phase me though. Thank God for that. Their fears don’t harm me.

I am well taken care of and by God’s divine right, I will receive even more than my heart ever desired.

I know it.

I hope you know it.

I sit expecting miracle after miracle and I look for every opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.

I will find my perfect fit, my perfect city, God’s perfect Will and it will all come with no headaches, no struggles and no heavy labor on my part.

Everything will be easy, breezy from now on.

Life is going to be just fine.

“Listen,” I told my co worker when we reached our office. “I do not want you to worry about me. I am fine. I will live a brilliant life. I have peace. I want you to have peace too.”