She Asked Me to Sing

It’s true that my imagination rules my life. It always has, ever since I was a child. When I was little I used to imagine myself touring the country, speaking and writing books that millons loved. I imagined wonderfully wealthy men spoiling me and adoring me. I imagined myself with fans and admirers.

Did I really BELIEVE all of that was going to happen?

Hmmm…Yes and No. I didn’t really care if it happened or not, I just enjoyed the fantasy.

I spoke with Anna the other day. God is blessing me so much because she and I have started speaking to each other regularly. She is one of the strongest women I know and also one of the funniest. It’s pure joy to talk to her and whenever I see her name on my Caller ID, I stop what I’m doing to take the time to relax and laugh with her.

The other night we were talking about my Faith Walk and she assured me that she never worries about me. She doesn’t see me as being homeless or struggling or failing at life because she feels like everything I’m going through is a straight shot to the fulfillment of all of my dreams. It seems like she completely understands.

Why do people think my life is difficult? Why does everyone think I’m struggling?

Don’t you see that ever since I have been on this journey, God has held me by the hand every step of the way? Even when I don’t understand why I’m doing something or why I’m making a move, I just trust my best judgement, God’s guidance, and I never lack.

Don’t you remember how afraid I used to be? I would freak out when I lost a job or my Baby Daddy would be mean to me.

Through all of this I have learned one important lesson; God is my supply. I don’t have to fuck a single man to get meals and I don’t have to work a steady job to have everything I need. If I had those things I would credit those things for my sustenance, but since I don’t have them I know that God is the one who is providing for me.

God is my supply. And He is quite good at what He does.

Imagine that I have never gone without. I have NEVER struggled to pay any of my bills. I have NEVER asked anyone to give me money. Well, except for Curt that one time cuz he was bragging about the new contract he got at work and how much money he was about to bring in. So I said “If you got all that money, then pay my car note!” And he did.

See how easily things come to me.

The only thing I used to worry about was whether or not my boys were okay with me being away. But everytime I see them I can tell that their Daddy is taking such good care of them. They are learning and growing and they are just fine. That brings me peace.

See how in your eyes I may be having a difficult time but in reality, I’m floating on God’s love and provision. No, I may not be able to shop but when I went to Miami, Marsha gave me some of her old clothes. They look so nice!

Whenever I have a need I just stick my hand out and it is placed right there. Whatever it is!

And think of the people I’m meeting along this journey. They are so different from the people I’m used to associating with.

No Christian that I have ever met, in fact NO ONE I have ever met lives their lives as abundantly as the people I meet in hostels, boarding houses or shelters. We don’t have much but we share what little we have. We bless each other and we connect easily.

One time a man offered me a sip of his Big Gulp but I thanked him and declined when I remembered I had a bottle of Gatorade in my car.

One man I met in Houston gave me a few slices of his pizza one night when it was late and I was hungry. A few days later, after I was blessed with cash, I took myself out to dinner and ate only a little so that I could bring the food back to him. He was so happy!

No one is complaining or whining or worrying about the next day. No one ever speaks ill of others or is anxious about the next day. Do you know what it’s like to meet people who are DRAMA FREE?! WORRY FREE! They’re just enjoying life and having adventures and blessing people wherever they go.

The other night my roommate was a woman in her 60’s. Her name was Harriet. She walked in with a smile and introduced herself, asking me if I had ever played the Dulcimer. I shook my head.

“Well, hopefully you will come and sing with me, I am about to play right now.”

SING?

YAY!

Everyone always tells me to shut up when I sing. And here this lady was requesting it! Glory be to God!

She played and we sang for at least an hour. She even taught me how to play a few chords and I was excited about that! It felt so good.

Then she told me her story. She had been traveling and enjoying herself for about two weeks when she thought, “Wow. I’m having such a good time I don’t even want to go home.” But then she thought about her house and how she needed to be there to maintain it and an idea came to her. What if she sold her house? What if she took the money and was able to travel and meet great people?

So that’s what she did. She drives from city to city, living in boarding houses and hostels and enjoying a relaxed life. She is free to go and do and BE!

I admire that.

Meeting her ignited a strange flame inside of me.

“I’m a happy homeless person,” she said. “Because home is where my heart is.”

And my heart is so grateful to God that He is consistently meeting my needs. I don’t have to beg, borrow or steal. I eat everyday. It may not be filet mignon but I don’t experience hunger pains.

Can you imagine what it feels like not to worry about ANYTHING?

The woman at my job believes that I am fearful because I won’t get a fancy apartment and settle in. Some people write to me warning me to stop imagining struggle for my life because that’s why my life has been a struggle. Others simply shake their hands in amazement because without the security of their paychecks on the 1st and the 15th they would go crazy.

The only thing I worry about is the people who worry about me!

I am NOT imagining struggle for my life. Therefore I am not struggling. What you see as meager, difficult living has been the greatest blessing to me. I am NOT going to go out and grab and apartment just because I have a job that I like when I don’t feel like I’m supposed to do that.

It’s so funny that the people who often come to me with directives about my life are the people whose lives I LEAST want to imitate. That makes me laugh!

Oh so you want me to follow your advice so I can be just like YOU?

I’ll pass.

But then I realize that they are not giving me advice in order to control me. They truly believe that their words will make my life better because in THEIR eyes, I could be doing better than I am doing right now.

That makes me smile. If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t say anything.

I’m okay being me and living my life in the way that God leads. I’m okay with being cautious at times and daring at others. As each situation arises I react accordingly.

God’s divine plan can not be stopped or altered if I seek Him diligently.

I am learning this the hard way because sometimes I try to settle for “good right now” just because I want a quick fix. A couple of weeks ago I met this fine ass dude and he asked me for my number. I took his instead but I didn’t plan to call him because he ain’t a CEO.

But last weekend I was bored and I decided to find the number and give him a call. I found his number and dialed. “Doo-Doo-Doo. The number you have reached has been disconnected.”

~sigh~

God probably knows that I woulda fucked the shit outta that dude just to have something to do.

Man…God be BLOCKIN!

~smile~

And I appreciate that.