Share My World

Sylvia totally gets on my nerves.

Yesterday she brought up the fact that I have green eyes and what my heritage might be. Ugh. I have never honestly given it much thought, like intensely. I don’t get to see my eyes much and I forget that they are different until someone makes a comment about it.

The other night at work a customer said to me, “You have beautiful eyes.” I thanked him and said, “You know, I kinda forget about them until someone mentions it.”

He looked at me and said, “Whenever you’re having a bad day, just look in the mirror.”

I blushed.

But really, as far as I know, I am a black woman.

“Daddy says you have some Puerto Rican in you,” my son said the other day.

“Your daddy bumped his head. I’m from AFRICA.”

Right?

Right.

I won’t get emotional and think about how much intermingling was going on during slavery and I could have been a part of that.

But all day today I have been wondering who touched who and why and where and what really happened. I always considered myself to be special because I am black. I mean, only the best of the best survived that notorious boat ride and then survived the slave trade and then survived slavery for hundreds of years.

I believe I am the product of strength and will and resolve. Somewhere up my family tree there’s a woman who was so smart and so cunning that she made an awesome life for her family, who gave birth to she who gave birth to he who spread the seed that made me.

Hmm. I haven’t spoken to my biological father in a long time and I do not want to.

It’s like, almost 4am and I’m up, as usual, trying NOT to think about things and distract myself by watching a movie.

I’m watching Cherry The Movie and its a coming of age story about a virgin boy who goes to college but its not like most “penis in an apple pie” type of movies, it’s different.

I’m feeling it.

It’s making me remember back to my own undergraduate days. Back to figuring things out on my own, back to my sexual escapades, back to failing classes and getting pregnant and sororities and fights with friends and out of town road trips and being confused about everything.

and it’s making me think about my own kids. Man, what a life I’ve had. i’ve been the star of my own journey and although i desperately want to make sure my sons are equipped with important information so that life doesn’t make them go crazy, I have to learn to let go and let them live.

for all the faults and flaws and tragedy I’ve experienced, its all made me such an awesome and strong person. I rarely admit that aloud so you get to hear it first but I know I’m brilliant, strong and wildly creative. I am sexy, pretty, blessed and a SIREN.

I have to let my kids find their way too. I want to hold them in my arms and protect them from all the bullshit in the world and mold them into strong men but I can’t. They have to fumble and bumble about a bit and then they develop their muscles on their own.

so I’m here right now, taking a break from watching the movie because for the hundredth time, the internet connection went completely out so I have to wait for it to reload.

I love this bed. I feel like a queen when I’m in it. I love that I can close the door and not come out until I feel like it. I can be naked if I want. I masterbate every day. Oh yeah! Its so much fun! I think about him and how I want to slap him in the face and jump on his, you know, and make him beg me for more and kiss my feet. I love when I have that fantasy.

I love that I work nights because I’m here all alone during the day. I love that I can pay my bills in advance and go out to eat when I feel like it. I love that I have cereal in my cabinet and hot tea to drink. I love that I am.

Like, I am. Like, I swear I do some crazy shit but I always pull through and you know what? i knew that before I began the project. That’s what gave me the courage to do it- I knew- that i would pull through. But that shit was harder than I thought and I died in the process and I came out on the other side a completely different person and I’m trying to figure that new person out. But I like her.

I like her zeal. I like her attitude. I like her non willingness to be what others want her to be. I like the fact that she doesn’t bother anyone and no one can complain about anything except that she won’t play the role they hoped she would play in their lives.

I’m over that. I’m over demanding that someone be what I want them to be. I only hurt myself when i do that. Now, even with Sylvia, who I want to curse at sometimes, I just laugh and understand that she does love me in her own way and I accept her love whenever she wants to give it and how she wants to give it because its sincere.

And I do the same with you.

And I hope you give me the same respect.

And I’m numb to the emotions most people experience everyday. Frustration over why others won’t be more like ME? Nah. Not even. How could I expect that? Be you. Let me watch. I wont judge. I may laugh cuz you’re corny as hell but it’s not a critical laugh and I’ll walk away and not think about you again.

Man, my mind is replaying the poem i wrote. It’s a gruesome poem about social anxiety but I love it! It’s eerily beautiful to me.

Listen.

what a cray day!

I stayed up all night last night because I wasn’t tired. I watched a movie, posted some articles and did research to find more awesome women to profile. I think my head is tired from thinking and I feel like I’m living my life in a fog.

Oh wow. Last night I was on facebook and a friend of mine posted something about how she’s not gonna let the devil get the best of her or something like that and a man commented that there’s no such thing as the devil and the devil are negative thoughts. I love what he wrote so I commented about that and then I looked at his page and read his bio- OMG!

Dude has like 5 degrees and travels and speaks at conferences and does research and is an existentialist like me. So I emailed him asking him if he’d like to chat and share wisdom and he emailed me right back and we went back and forth discussing epistemology and how it has impacted our faith and beliefs.

Then he must have gone to sleep because I didn’t hear back from him until 6am and we continued our conversation until I asked if he could send me some samples of his current research. He wrote me back with his phone number.

I debated for a little while because it was very early, before 7am and then I picked up my phone and called him and we ended up on the phone for over an hour. I did most of the listening as he bragged about his career and his lifestyle and his personality. He sang opera for me. He performed one of his poems and he even spoke a couple words from the 8 languages he speaks.

He says he’s won 5 lawsuits and he never even been to law school although he does have his PhD. He never paid for any of his 5 degrees and he doesn’t believe he’ll have to pay for law school, which he plans to start in the coming year.

I was impressed and amazed by his resume but his personality was so LOUD that all i could do was sit quietly, listening hoping for some wisdom. When I shared with him that I have social anxiety he was like, “WHAT?! Don’t let them scare you!”

“I think I’m just anxious about being misunderstood,”I explained. “Nobody thinks like me or understands the way I make decisions or take risks.”

I laughed, I felt scared, I was encouraged, I was delighted and even a bit perplexed by this man’s personality. It was so STRONG. I didn’t save his number in my phone- I don’t have ANY man’s number in my phone right now, but I think we’ll just be cool on facebook and if I ever have a question or need help with future research he’s someone that I know I could call.

My job had me scheduled to work the swing shift today. I hate working that shift because I don’t understand how to relate to the people who come in. Overnight guests are my thing. I feel them. I know how to handle them and I do very well when we’re busy but today I was feeling like I was working but I wasn’t really there. I felt like I was floating.

My last table had such a bad attitude. The woman in charge was so demanding and complained so much that I had to put my charm into overdrive in order to serve them. It worked! They left me $10 and I think it had to be because I wouldn’t get emotional with them. When I’m serving and customers are in a bad mood, I switch on my “hey, life is okay. I want you to be happy so let me take care of you” vibe and I give it out strong and hard and I look them in the eye sincerely and I whisper I LOVE YOU in my spirit and I send out lots of love to them so they FEEL ME and they do. They always do. I’m really good at handling tables who are upset.

When I’m serving, I sometimes wonder what being a waitress is teaching me. After listening to this man go on and on about all of his degrees and how he’s doing everything I once dreamt of, I felt kind of sad feeling like I’m wasting my talent by being a server but for real, I do feel that this line of work is preparing me for something else.

I HAVE to smile. I HAVE to still perform no matter how nasty people are and how they try to complain so they can get free stuff or how much the other people working with me have bad attitudes. I STILL GO OUT THERE WITH A SMILE.

I have to. Because the next table didn’t do anything to me so why take out my frustration on them.

I wish I were stronger though. I wish I could see my own strength in life, not as a risk taker, I know I can do that, but as a woman, quick to action, making the right decisions, surrounded by people who care for me and love me because I take good care of them.

This down time, this alone time, I wonder what it’s for. It’s been years and years of damn near isolation and I have no desire to be social yet I wonder what I’m learning from this.

For real, you know what I want to manifest? A day out with someone I enjoy being with. Good food. Laughter. A nice gift for me. Being called beautiful. Butterflies in my stomach. Kisses. Touches. Orgasms. and then, breakfast in bed.

Ahh.. Dreamy.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

Every damn day I’m looking for awesome women to profile. Every damn day I’m impressed and amazed by the things women do.

Every damn day I struggle with the idea that I am now only half hearted in my attempts to be great. I don’t really care about great anymore. I don’t desire the awards and fame and shit. I just want to be able to see my kids more often and to have great meals and great experiences with them.

But the other part of me is screaming, “Tee, you are no different than these women who used innovation to bring about their success. You’re just as smart- TRY HARDER.”

But then the other half says, “Who cares what anyone thinks? You’re not a saviour. Just have fun doing what you’re doing and as long as you can spend time with your sons and they know you love them and are there for them, the rest doesn’t matter.”

So I end up having an entire internal dialogue with myself.

“I can do so much more than I’m doing right now.”

“Yeah, but at what cost? You’ve already missed so many important moments with your sons. They barely remember when they used to live with you. How much more are you going to miss out on trying to make a difference in the world? Try making a difference in THEIR world.”

“I hear you but, it’s just, I have to do this. The things that I am gifted to aren’t average things. They make significant change in environments. I am not an average woman who cooks and cleans. I have world changing dreams because that is my destiny. I can’t hide from that or belittle myself because I have no desires for that anymore, can I?”

“All you do is dream. You take risks and it doesn’t pay off. You keep trying but nothing ever happens. You’re mentally ill. You think you’re special and you ARE but maybe not in this lifetime. Do you really think you can handle THAT life? I mean, the hidden agendas, the secret alliances, the quest for domination- you’re not like that. That’s what they do. They try to get as much as they can under the guise of helping people and you don’t care about that, you just want to be useful. Be useful to yourself. Your current job is enough. Just work there until it’s time to go and then, go, but don’t make anymore risks like you have in the past. It’s pointless. Give more meaning to the time you spend with your sons. Give more definition to the relationship you have with yourself. Those are the most important.”

Anna is now selling Pleasure Toys. I mean, I bought a vibrator once in college but I think I used it once and then I didn’t know what to do with it at that point so I never brought it out again.

So tonight when she called me I said, “I have been going through your website and I have no idea what to buy to support you girl.”

“Well, what do you like?”

“I don’t know. I just,” I paused not sure what to say. “Are there any toys for lesbians?”

“Do you need something for you and your partner?”

“Girl, you know I don’t have a partner it’s just, I don’t think I could actually enjoy inserting a fake penis inside of me. What’s that about?”

“Well, there’s lots of other stuff.”

As I went through her website with her we talked about all the ways women can please themselves but I think she mainly wants to target couples and teach them how to use toys to enhance their secks lives. But I’m not in a couple and I don’t foresee that in the near future so I don’t know what to do because I can’t imagine using a toy to enhance my private time yet, I have lots of private moments.

These toys are confusing to me.

What should I buy?

For right now I believe that we humans and animals exist in a spiritual realm and that in this physical realm we are only seeing the physical casings.

Like, we are all spirits housed in physical bodies and through chance and happenstance we connect. I believe the aching we experience for love is the desire to remain connected to a whole. Like, we are all one spirit, split apart like split atoms and we desire to connect with each other through sex, through love. But, with the social conditioning and expectations cast upon us by society that cause things like self hatred and anxiety and greed, we forget our connection and we fight with each other or walk past connections that could have been beautiful if we weren’t so afraid of losing or being hurt. Losing what, though? Losing our dignity, our “stuff” or being hurt because we are being vulnerable.

What is vulnerability anyway? It’s exposing our weak points, our soft spots to others knowing they have the capability to hurt us.

I do that all the time in my writing and on my videos. I am vulnerable. I show the sides of me that would cause you to judge me. I do not make myself appear perfect. I show my flaws and my weaknesses so you can see yourself and feel better about who you are.

I was thinking about how humans exist in the spiritual realm and how we are all so engrossed in judging each other based on our physical casings, which are merely transportation. Then I started thinking about all the missed connections Ive had since I am not a social person.

I must have missed opportunities to grow because of my anxiety. I must have missed the chance to heal and to be loved and to smile and laugh- all because of my fear of being misunderstood. I’m not the type that likes to explain myself so I don’t like telling people about myself or answering questions. I don’t ask questions either. You can tell me as much or as little as you want. I won’t pry. I won’t force a friendship. I’ll leave you to be who you are.

Sometimes I marvel at the mysteries of life and human interaction. Like, if it weren’t for your title could you have been my friend? If it weren’t for your race, could we have made a connection? If it weren’t for your desire to conquer and control, could you have made a different contribution to this world?

What did I miss out on when I didn’t reply to that email? What did I miss out on when I cursed that man out instead of listening to what he had to say? What lessons did I skip when I automatically assumed that you would never appreciate the fullness of who I am?

I am a bright star, hoping for a connection, a true one, but not pushing for it because I am basically content to shine alone, selfishly exposing my light to those I choose- out of fear.

It started with lots of numbness. I would feel my hand fall asleep a lot. My right hand in particular, all the way up to my elbow.

Then as I started working again, I would find that my fingers would freeze up. I had to ask the dishwasher to open jars for me when my sidework required me to refill the salad dressings.

Now, I’m a little scared. I’ve been creating books, videos and writing with my hands for so many, many years that it seems I have carpal tunnel syndrome and even though there are exercises to help ease the pain, there is really no cure.

What if you were a vocalist and your throat became infected? What if you were a seamstress and you lost an arm?

I write. That’s what I do. I type without looking at the keyboard and it’s like magic as i watch the screen and my thoughts are articulated so perfectly. I don’t get the same magic when I speak. I’m trying to rest my fingers as much as possible. I massage them all the time, even at work so they’ll be loose. I don’t know what else I can do besides pray for a miracle. I have so many more articles to write. I have so man more books left in me. Even as I type this my fingers are becoming stiff which is signaling for me to stop and rest.

I just can’t lose my magic touch. I don’t know what I would do. The thought is making me so sad.

I’ve been asking myself this question over and over again.

Each time I try to answer it, I feel like I’m lieing to myself. I feel like I’m coming up with excuses but so far these are the reasons:

1) I know that this is not a long term home for me. When I think about buying clothes I immediately think about what I’ll have to do when I move. I have no car. I can’t move lots of stuff in a taxi. I don’t want the hassle of trying to make multiple trips to a new home in a taxi if I have lots of stuff.

2) I don’t socialize anyway. Where am I going? I don’t date. I don’t hang out with friends. The only time I’m bothered by not having clothes is when I go out with my sons and I’m so used to looking EXTRA pretty when I’m with them, but I can’t because I don’t have any clothes.

3) I don’t want the extra attention. Yes, i enjoyed being stylish and dressing up in my own personal flair before I began my project and I kind of miss being fly everyday. Yet, I kind of like being under the radar of men and women by not having pretty dresses and outfits. As much as I’d like to melt into the background, being plain helps me feel safer so I won’t attract anyone to try to get to know me or hurt me.

I desperately need a new bra and underwear. I can’t bring myself to go shopping for those either. I can’t WAIT to throw this sports bra away. Although it is comfortable it reminds me of my project and I try not to think about that. I’ve only bought one nightgown to sleep in and I can’t really wear it at home because it’s not suitable to wear outside of my bedroom because there’s a man in the house. I rarely even put it on because I know that when I need to go to the kitchen I’ll have to change clothes.

I had a dream that I went shopping at KMart and I found this really cute dress. It was black with wide yellow stripes like a bumblebee and it was strapless with a little purple ruffle on the bottom. It was form fitting and oh so cute. I felt so happy when I found it!

Then I woke up.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I used to be so pretty but I don’t even try anymore.

At the beginning of this year I was out strolling through downtown Hollywood when my sons and i came across a tarot reader. I shelled out the 5 bucks and got a reading and he predicted something very unusual.

Now that I’ve had many months to think about it, his prediction was correct. He said that I would have a huge career change- I am no longer becoming a counselor. He said that my new career path would be in full swing by the summer. Sure enough, this entire summer was spent involved in my journalistic project as a offset of my work on my website.

He also predicted that I would experience a tumbling down of some major beliefs that I thought were true but really weren’t. Now that I think about it- damn, he was right. At the time of the reading I was in grad school, about to finish my final semester and trying to figure out how to make some money while i do it. I could have sworn on a stack of Bibles that maybe I could become a Christian again and that the world was largely good and people were basically helpful with pure hearts and intentions.

Now, I don’t believe any of that shit anymore. My heart grieves by the encounters I had during that project. It changed my whole worldview and I no longer want to be a part of leadership or anything like that. I can’t be phony or manipulative and I wont change just to experience what the world calls success. I can’t change. I’ve tried but it feels so wrong to me.

So yes, when I drew the TOWER card in the reading it was correct. My whole world flipped upside down. I no longer communicate with my childhood bestfriend, I have lost the desire to be close to everyone and my goals are very dim. I still have goals, but I am not pressed to achieve them. At most I daydream about having my own place where I can walk around naked and pay my bills through owning my own business and pushing it to prosper but still, if it doesn’t happen, I won’t beat myself up about it.

So anyway, enough background, a couple of weeks ago I found that tarot reader and got another reading. I asked 3 questions this time, not out of an extreme desire to know the future, but really, since he had been right the first time, I was kind of curious to see what he’d say and if it would come true.

I asked about my career and he said that I was now building a foundation for the rest of my career and that things would really take off for me by the time the new year arrives and in the following 3 months. He suggested I start a network of women. I found this to be strange since I never mentioned what my career path was or that I had started an empowerment website for women. His suggestion was on point but I am honestly puzzled over how to get strong women to help.

I asked about my disasters with men. “Please tell me if this is my fault that I keep meeting men who hurt me,” I asked him after a recent incident at work. “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No,” he assured. “It’s not your fault and you’re doing nothing wrong. Believe it or not, these experiences will help you in the future.” I was so annoyed by that response.

Last I asked him about the older man I met during my project. He was the one who changed my whole view of men. Now, when I meet a young man, I am turned off and even if I am interested it only lasts for a day or so. “I want someone 50 or older,” I told Sylvia. “I really liked the way I felt with him.”

He told me that the older man was indeed a good guy. “He is a teacher,” the tarot reader said. “And he’s very good at it. He’s going to be a very important part of your life as he’ll help you to have more confidence in yourself as a woman by treating you well and he’ll teach you how to enjoy life and have fun.”

I was shocked. First of all, me and this man haven’t seen each other in over in a month and there are no signs that I can see that we will ever see each other. Right now he’s a good memory, but the emotions behind how I felt when I was with him are almost completely gone. It’s kind of like a towel you get out of the dryer, after a few minutes in the airconditioning, it’s almost completely cold. That’s how I feel about him now yet, we do exchange emails every so often. I like writing with him, sometimes I flirt, sometimes we just talk shit. It’s fun.

I have no idea if or when I’ll ever see him again. The wild thing is- I asked the tarot reader if our relationship or friendship would be long term and he said- No.

I learned earlier this year that all predictions aren’t set in stone, the predictions indicate what would happen if you continued on the path that you are currently on. If you keep thinking the same thoughts and moving forward with your current plans- this is what you’ll end up with.

Then my mind went off on a rampage like it usually does when i start asking questions that have no concrete answers. I wondered if I could love someone if I knew from the beginning that we weren’t going to last. How much emotion could I really put into it knowing that either he would hurt me or I would meet someone else?

That reminds me of that movie, The Timer, where people could elect to buy a TIMER to wear that would countdown the exact time they would meet their soul mate. What would you do in the meantime? Would every relationship be a time filler until you knew your ONE would arrive?

All interesting questions. I guess we won’t know the answers anytime soon. But I’ll let you know what happens.

Wow. An old friend from elementary school posted this pic from her 11th birthday party at Six Flags. I remember that day, we were all school friends, neighborhood friends and we pretended we were cousins too. It was all about love back then. What happened to that? At what age do we begin to be competitive with other women instead of being friends with them?

I know myself and I know that I am not too friendly with other women because I don’t really want to hear them complaining about life all the time. I want to hear good stories, I want to learn new things. I don’t want to hear about every little thing that upsets you and really it’s mostly stuff you’re doing to upset yourself. I’ve noticed women create drama in their lives so they can have something to talk about. It becomes like a competition to see who has it worst. Sorry, I used to be like that but I don’t want to be in that competition anymore.

So no, I’m not friendly and I’ve learned how to have fun by myself and how to be alone and I’m good with that. Things don’t upset me anymore like they used to. I’m not afraid of things like I used to be because I’ve been to the bottom so I know what it’s like. It doesn’t scare me anymore.

Whenever anyone says something to you, you can pretty much gauge how they feel about themselves by the energy behind what they are saying. Like, if someone tries to say something insulting, you can tell that they are hurting. They want you to hurt with them. It seems to be a natural reaction to being hurt that I can’t grasp onto. I can’t get upset about it anymore, I just imagine what they are probably hurting about and then I try to send them extra love energy.

If I’m hurting, I keep to myself. I don’t answer phone calls or go anywhere where I’ll be around people because I don’t like sending that energy out. I wish others would recognize the same, but really, who am I to try to make people mature?

Tonight I’m feeling really peaceful. it’s almost Monday, which means I get 3 days off from work. It’s not like I’m going to do anything special, it’s just, I enjoy being home during the day by myself. If I could, I’d let the dogs out to play, but then I don’t want to be responsible if they run off or something. Watching them play relaxes me.

I don’t know. It’s weird but, seeing so many people interact in a chaotic way makes me appreciate myself more. Like, I don’t have to be uptight about anything. I am nothing, I recognize that. My existence is nothing, so I’m not under any pressure to be great or meet anyone’s expectations. I’m just chillin and doing the things I love to do- all the time. It’s a very simple life and I enjoy it. I’m a waitress, I come home and I hang out by myself. No added drama at all. I don’t bother anyone and I love that it’s like this.

Are you happy right now? Are you frustrated by life? I know, there are some things you feel you NEED to happen in order to be happy or successful but really, once you let go of NEEDING that thing to happen, you’ll have way more peace.

At the root of everything, that is what you want- you want peace. You may think you want a new car or a better paying job but you really want peace of mind. You can skip the steps it takes to buy this or achieve that and just decide to have peace right now.

~sigh~

It would be so nice to meet some mature women who understand this and aren’t bogged down by the need to create drama in their lives. I’m over that. I’m too old for that. I want laughter and smiles and fun.

And NOTHING has to happen in order for you to be happy- all you have to do is:

Stop demanding that others be what and who you want them to be.
Stop demanding that you become who you think you should be.
Stop deliberately exposing yourself to things or people that irritate you. You’re hurting yourself on purpose for entertainment. That’s silly.
Stop comparing yourself to others- just because you would NEVER do that, doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing for someone else. Your way isn’t the only way. Accept that.

Just relax. Be who you are. Allow others to be who they are, even if you don’t agree. Stay away from them if they irritate you, you do have a choice.

Just relax. Show people you feel good about yourself by allowing them to feel good about who they are.

I’m on another vibe right now. I feel high without taking any drugs. I had a good night at work and no one can take that away from me. It was totally a surprise because I hate working the swing shift and tonight, I got to work with my favorite manager, this cool ass Haitian chick and one other girl who is so mellow, I forget she’s there sometimes.

I had a great night and I’m hoping to have some good dreams too.

All my love to you.

~hugs~