Why Won’t I Buy New Clothes?

I’ve been asking myself this question over and over again.

Each time I try to answer it, I feel like I’m lieing to myself. I feel like I’m coming up with excuses but so far these are the reasons:

1) I know that this is not a long term home for me. When I think about buying clothes I immediately think about what I’ll have to do when I move. I have no car. I can’t move lots of stuff in a taxi. I don’t want the hassle of trying to make multiple trips to a new home in a taxi if I have lots of stuff.

2) I don’t socialize anyway. Where am I going? I don’t date. I don’t hang out with friends. The only time I’m bothered by not having clothes is when I go out with my sons and I’m so used to looking EXTRA pretty when I’m with them, but I can’t because I don’t have any clothes.

3) I don’t want the extra attention. Yes, i enjoyed being stylish and dressing up in my own personal flair before I began my project and I kind of miss being fly everyday. Yet, I kind of like being under the radar of men and women by not having pretty dresses and outfits. As much as I’d like to melt into the background, being plain helps me feel safer so I won’t attract anyone to try to get to know me or hurt me.

I desperately need a new bra and underwear. I can’t bring myself to go shopping for those either. I can’t WAIT to throw this sports bra away. Although it is comfortable it reminds me of my project and I try not to think about that. I’ve only bought one nightgown to sleep in and I can’t really wear it at home because it’s not suitable to wear outside of my bedroom because there’s a man in the house. I rarely even put it on because I know that when I need to go to the kitchen I’ll have to change clothes.

I had a dream that I went shopping at KMart and I found this really cute dress. It was black with wide yellow stripes like a bumblebee and it was strapless with a little purple ruffle on the bottom. It was form fitting and oh so cute. I felt so happy when I found it!

Then I woke up.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I used to be so pretty but I don’t even try anymore.