what a cray day!
I stayed up all night last night because I wasn’t tired. I watched a movie, posted some articles and did research to find more awesome women to profile. I think my head is tired from thinking and I feel like I’m living my life in a fog.
Oh wow. Last night I was on facebook and a friend of mine posted something about how she’s not gonna let the devil get the best of her or something like that and a man commented that there’s no such thing as the devil and the devil are negative thoughts. I love what he wrote so I commented about that and then I looked at his page and read his bio- OMG!
Dude has like 5 degrees and travels and speaks at conferences and does research and is an existentialist like me. So I emailed him asking him if he’d like to chat and share wisdom and he emailed me right back and we went back and forth discussing epistemology and how it has impacted our faith and beliefs.
Then he must have gone to sleep because I didn’t hear back from him until 6am and we continued our conversation until I asked if he could send me some samples of his current research. He wrote me back with his phone number.
I debated for a little while because it was very early, before 7am and then I picked up my phone and called him and we ended up on the phone for over an hour. I did most of the listening as he bragged about his career and his lifestyle and his personality. He sang opera for me. He performed one of his poems and he even spoke a couple words from the 8 languages he speaks.
He says he’s won 5 lawsuits and he never even been to law school although he does have his PhD. He never paid for any of his 5 degrees and he doesn’t believe he’ll have to pay for law school, which he plans to start in the coming year.
I was impressed and amazed by his resume but his personality was so LOUD that all i could do was sit quietly, listening hoping for some wisdom. When I shared with him that I have social anxiety he was like, “WHAT?! Don’t let them scare you!”
“I think I’m just anxious about being misunderstood,”I explained. “Nobody thinks like me or understands the way I make decisions or take risks.”
I laughed, I felt scared, I was encouraged, I was delighted and even a bit perplexed by this man’s personality. It was so STRONG. I didn’t save his number in my phone- I don’t have ANY man’s number in my phone right now, but I think we’ll just be cool on facebook and if I ever have a question or need help with future research he’s someone that I know I could call.
My job had me scheduled to work the swing shift today. I hate working that shift because I don’t understand how to relate to the people who come in. Overnight guests are my thing. I feel them. I know how to handle them and I do very well when we’re busy but today I was feeling like I was working but I wasn’t really there. I felt like I was floating.
My last table had such a bad attitude. The woman in charge was so demanding and complained so much that I had to put my charm into overdrive in order to serve them. It worked! They left me $10 and I think it had to be because I wouldn’t get emotional with them. When I’m serving and customers are in a bad mood, I switch on my “hey, life is okay. I want you to be happy so let me take care of you” vibe and I give it out strong and hard and I look them in the eye sincerely and I whisper I LOVE YOU in my spirit and I send out lots of love to them so they FEEL ME and they do. They always do. I’m really good at handling tables who are upset.
When I’m serving, I sometimes wonder what being a waitress is teaching me. After listening to this man go on and on about all of his degrees and how he’s doing everything I once dreamt of, I felt kind of sad feeling like I’m wasting my talent by being a server but for real, I do feel that this line of work is preparing me for something else.
I HAVE to smile. I HAVE to still perform no matter how nasty people are and how they try to complain so they can get free stuff or how much the other people working with me have bad attitudes. I STILL GO OUT THERE WITH A SMILE.
I have to. Because the next table didn’t do anything to me so why take out my frustration on them.
I wish I were stronger though. I wish I could see my own strength in life, not as a risk taker, I know I can do that, but as a woman, quick to action, making the right decisions, surrounded by people who care for me and love me because I take good care of them.
This down time, this alone time, I wonder what it’s for. It’s been years and years of damn near isolation and I have no desire to be social yet I wonder what I’m learning from this.
For real, you know what I want to manifest? A day out with someone I enjoy being with. Good food. Laughter. A nice gift for me. Being called beautiful. Butterflies in my stomach. Kisses. Touches. Orgasms. and then, breakfast in bed.
Ahh.. Dreamy.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.