It’s like, almost 4am and I’m up, as usual, trying NOT to think about things and distract myself by watching a movie.
I’m watching Cherry The Movie and its a coming of age story about a virgin boy who goes to college but its not like most “penis in an apple pie” type of movies, it’s different.
I’m feeling it.
It’s making me remember back to my own undergraduate days. Back to figuring things out on my own, back to my sexual escapades, back to failing classes and getting pregnant and sororities and fights with friends and out of town road trips and being confused about everything.
and it’s making me think about my own kids. Man, what a life I’ve had. i’ve been the star of my own journey and although i desperately want to make sure my sons are equipped with important information so that life doesn’t make them go crazy, I have to learn to let go and let them live.
for all the faults and flaws and tragedy I’ve experienced, its all made me such an awesome and strong person. I rarely admit that aloud so you get to hear it first but I know I’m brilliant, strong and wildly creative. I am sexy, pretty, blessed and a SIREN.
I have to let my kids find their way too. I want to hold them in my arms and protect them from all the bullshit in the world and mold them into strong men but I can’t. They have to fumble and bumble about a bit and then they develop their muscles on their own.
so I’m here right now, taking a break from watching the movie because for the hundredth time, the internet connection went completely out so I have to wait for it to reload.
I love this bed. I feel like a queen when I’m in it. I love that I can close the door and not come out until I feel like it. I can be naked if I want. I masterbate every day. Oh yeah! Its so much fun! I think about him and how I want to slap him in the face and jump on his, you know, and make him beg me for more and kiss my feet. I love when I have that fantasy.
I love that I work nights because I’m here all alone during the day. I love that I can pay my bills in advance and go out to eat when I feel like it. I love that I have cereal in my cabinet and hot tea to drink. I love that I am.
Like, I am. Like, I swear I do some crazy shit but I always pull through and you know what? i knew that before I began the project. That’s what gave me the courage to do it- I knew- that i would pull through. But that shit was harder than I thought and I died in the process and I came out on the other side a completely different person and I’m trying to figure that new person out. But I like her.
I like her zeal. I like her attitude. I like her non willingness to be what others want her to be. I like the fact that she doesn’t bother anyone and no one can complain about anything except that she won’t play the role they hoped she would play in their lives.
I’m over that. I’m over demanding that someone be what I want them to be. I only hurt myself when i do that. Now, even with Sylvia, who I want to curse at sometimes, I just laugh and understand that she does love me in her own way and I accept her love whenever she wants to give it and how she wants to give it because its sincere.
And I do the same with you.
And I hope you give me the same respect.
And I’m numb to the emotions most people experience everyday. Frustration over why others won’t be more like ME? Nah. Not even. How could I expect that? Be you. Let me watch. I wont judge. I may laugh cuz you’re corny as hell but it’s not a critical laugh and I’ll walk away and not think about you again.
Man, my mind is replaying the poem i wrote. It’s a gruesome poem about social anxiety but I love it! It’s eerily beautiful to me.
Listen.