Share My World

Everything is gone.

Its as though life grabbed me by the ankles, held me upside down and shook everything off of me. Within the last 3 months, everything went away. My two jobs. My car. School. Certain friends. And now, me and my best friend Tamara are no longer speaking.

No, it’s not like one of those, “I’m mad at you for now,” type of things. This is for real. I think we’ve grown apart or at least I have. I don’t look at her the same way. I no longer share the same mental space or thought processes. I’m ready to move on to other things but she still seems to be in the same space so I had to say goodbye.

I was hurting for a little while but then I realized what an opportunity this will be for her to grow as a person. Without me to lean on, she will have to learn to trust herself.

~sigh~

There’s a man she has been seeing. She has been waiting for two years for this man to call her his girlfriend. He won’t. She’s still trying to convince him of her worth. In a way, I hope she can do it because she’s put in a lot of work. But on the other hand, I would love to see her loved for real by someone she doesn’t have to EARN their love and devotion.

Regardless, she’s stronger than she thinks. She’s smarter than she thinks. She’s more capable than she thinks. I will always love her but I have to shake it off so that we both can grow. I need strong women around me who know their capabilities and their worth.

She was my childhood best friend but we are no longer children.

It’s time to grow up.

I’m ready.

Sometimes things happen and you don’t know why.

I will admit, I’ve been over here crying my eyes out over the loss of my best friend. But somehow, on the inside, I feel like it’s for the best but I don’t know why I feel like that.

In between crying, I’m working diligently on developing my site. I am not a designer but I designed a new header in MS Word and I invested in an email gathering tool because I need to create an email list in order to produce launches of my future endeavors. At least, that’s what the online business development gurus say.

I’ve been studying different writing techniques and lots of stuff. Trying to stay busy so I won’t think about this life change so much. I AM living my dream yet, so much had to die to make it happen that its kinda bittersweet.

I guess I’ll learn to stand on my own more and that is my one wish for Tamara. She was very much dependent on me and I hope that with this new season of our lives she learns to trust herself more and begins to understand her worth.

I would have never guessed that this is what 2011 would bring.

What the fuck else is going to happen?

My heart hurts.

A professional book reviewer is now reviewing my book and will post the review on his website for all to read. ~gulp~

I know I wrote it for people to buy but not really for people to critique. I just figured it might help someone to understand that its okay to be who they are. I wrote it to help people.

I just wanted to help. I am nervous as hell.

Today I’m moving forward. I heard about something called a Book Trailor. It’s like a movie trailor for books. So I watched a few and now I’m working on making my own. I wrote out the script and now I am learning a whole new movie maker program so that this video will stand out from the rest.

Thank goodness I’ve been making vids since 2007 so I have a good idea what goes where but I still have to figure out how to use this program well.

Guess what else died today? My phone. Just stopped working out of the blue. I don’t have money to replace it so I’m on yahoo trying to see if someone can contact someone to send me a new one.

Boy. Losses all around.

This made me think of my tooth that I lost in December. It was my last baby tooth that had never come out. It just fell out one night. Tamara and I took it as an omen that something was about to happen.

I guess it was. Everything changed.

The Tower card I got in the tarot reading was right. Everything I thought was true and right for me, actually wasn’t.

I’m still feeling positive about my future although there is NO EVIDENCE that much has changed. I’m just sowing seeds hoping for a quick harvest. I updated my vision board today. I found pictures of a perfect smile, a 5 bedroom house, a lobster and a girl getting her makeup done. Add those pics to the ones I already have: sushi, all the 4 food groups, tropical vacation, a Porsche speedster, A Benz coupe, a steak, a sign that says Be Your Own Boss, America’s Next Top Model clipping and a lady holding a microphone.

I wonder if this will work for me. I wonder what there is for me to do that I am not already doing. I’m getting a haircut tomorrow. I have been growing my afro for over a year and it looks so messy now. Time to start over.

Literally.

So today I decided to take a break from my obsession with my new site. It seems like I carry my notebook with me everywhere I go and am constantly scribbling ideas about how to promote it, how to market it, how to engage readers and get them to come back.

My phone died too so its been one QUIET existence for me. Not a soul to talk to as i sit in my room, eating ramen noodles and writing, creating, trying to focus on making my dream come true. This has been a tough time for me without my old best friend. I’ve come up with different perspectives to make me see not speaking to her as a GOOD thing and most have worked well until I was dealing with a situation today and my first instinct was, “Wait until I tell Tamara.” Then I realized there would be no telling Tamara.

~sigh~

I’m all alone in this now.

I feel my life shifting and it hurts so much because to shift, I have to let old things die. I say I want to be a new person but in order to do that the old must go away. Now I see why when ppl become successful those who knew them before say, “They’ve changed.” They HAD to change.

I have to change.

And I want to grow and heal. It was hard as hell for me to watch her these past few years. I would sit and cry by myself over her pain wondering when it would end and then watching her go back for more and listening to her dissatisfaction. It became too much. How could I ever heal while she was the closest relationship example in my life? I asked my friend Kim to call me more often because I wanted to hear GOOD stories to counteract the stories Tamara told but Kim is too busy enjoying her husband to sit and chat with me.

So I sat and I listened and encouraged and felt like I was in the misery too. With no way out. If that is what its like to love someone then I want no part of it. If loving someone means constantly yearning for them then I’m straight.

I don’t want to have to prove my love to anyone. I don’t want to wait around until they decide I’m the best thing for them. I don’t want to have to wait to be recognized for who I am.

I don’t WANT that shit she was in.

She still is.

Maybe I’m not a good friend for walking away but I couldn’t take it anymore. It came to a head when my book was released and she just ignored it because it was Valentines Day and she was busy trying to decide what she was gonna buy for him. I’m on the phone listening and hurting and I said, “he doesn’t deserve it.” Then she listed reasons why he did. Then texted me later complaining that he didn’t buy her anything but took her out to dinner explaining, “I took you out because you’re special.”

Not because I love you. Not because you’re my one and only. Not because I appreciate you, because I want to show you you’re special among the women in my life. DON”T YOU KNOW YOU”RE WORTH MORE THAN THAT?

Ugh. She never even ordered my book in support. I didn’t expect ANYONE to buy it but her. Everyone else got a pass.

My heart breaks and it has been breaking time and time again.

And I’m no better.

No better when it comes to relationships so I can’t say she’s dumb. At least she’s willing to try. I’m not.

No. I’m not. Not to have to go through that. No thanks.

Now, I’m trying to focus on making myself reach the level that I want to business-wise. I want to meet new women who are building empires around their name and balancing families at the same time too.

I want to meet DOERS instead of people who admire me for trying because they are too afraid to.

i know, I don’t fit in anywhere, at least not among the people I know from my past. So, I’m going to forge ahead hoping that this square wheel will find its match.

But it still hurts to let go of everyone and everything that wasn’t working, especially when you don’t know if what you are moving toward will be any better.

Everyone is dissappointed in me. How could you leave grad school? They shake their head or mumble facetious well wishes as they hope I’ll just “get a job”.

But I can’t just GET A JOB. I’m not one of those worker people. That has never worked for me in the past so I have to try to become an entrepreneur. I have to at least try because I don’t know what else to do.

Walking away from that and then starting my own website to try to sustain myself is more work than a full time job. Way more work. It’s having to be creative, study more, engage people more. I study more than I did when I was in school. I watch other people as they implement their business models and I imitate them. I see them in action and I am hopeful.

I have to be. I am in a corner. I have to fight my way out in order to stay alive. Behind the scenes I have no one to talk to about all this, really. They just see me sitting at home, they don’t know the hours I put in writing and creating and building. They only value hours put in working for someone else’s dream. I can’t do that anymore.

Nightly, my prayer is “Please let me better tomorrow than I was today.”

And I fight with that barometer because I don’t know what “better” is.

Not yet.

My sister makes me laugh when she says, “She quit school, just like all the other millionaires did.”

That’s true. Every risk taker I know, didn’t complete their education, they just WENT FOR IT.

I hope that magic is sprinkled on me.

Soon.

Look how my site looked after the first week.


Here’s the 2nd week.

I’ve had SO MUCH FUN developing this. Look at it! It’s like, my BABY! It’s becoming so pretty! I added a box to capture email addresses and that cost money too, but no one has signed up yet. I even created a free ebook to give away if they sign up. =(

I installed a nav bar at the bottom to connect with all the social networks. We now have a real columnist who writes about society and politics and a research contributor who finds the resource information that we post. I’m still writing all the content myself but it’s not that difficult. I may do an interview or just come up with an idea and just write it. Plus, with all the articles I have already written on my other site and the videos I have been making for YEARS on my youtube channel, sometimes if I’m tired I’ll go pull one of those to re use. Why not? They’re all MINE. I can do what I want. yay!

So I just created an advertising sponsor package. That was fun! Coming up with pricing and levels and tomorrow I am going to train the columnist on how to sell ads. I told her that she can keep any money she makes from her sales. I know I need money to survive but she does too.

Oh. My first author interview went up today. I can’t believe he posted that video of me crying. LOL Oh yeah, I cut my hair off again. It was getting too wild. I also died it jet black because some of it was blonde and some of it was dark brown so I have to start all over. I look different and baldheaded as usual.

Today I went back and forth between marketing my book and my site. I reached out to local newspapers and magazines about the site and then I hit up every book reviewer I could find to see if they would be willing to review my book in PDF version since I don’t have money to buy copies and mail them out.

Oh yeah! After I received a link to an article that said some 27 year old is making MILLIONS by selling her books on Kinde, I clicked right on over to Kindle and published my book on there too. I think I’m gonna add all of my eBooks on there too, when I get the time. Why not? Then I have to go get one for myself except I don’t read that much anymore. If it doesn’t have anything to do with business models or making money online I’m not really interested. I entertain myself by imagining how I’m gonna bless so many people when I have money to do so.

Today I was thinking about who I’m gonna buy cars for and how I’ll ask my Mama to take over managing some of my blogs when I start traveling and how I’ll drop money into people’s paypal accounts as surprises and how I’ll be eating lobster whenever I want and how I’ll do so much GOOD when I have the money. I can’t WAIT!

I wonder how it could all happen. It’ll be a surprise to me, but right now sure feels good.

Wow.

Today was a good day!

I woke up SMILING and then I scratched my head as I looked at my To DO list. I didn’t go to sleep until very late because I was organizing all my eBooks to sell on Kindle. I hope they sell! They’re priced at $2.99 – $3.99 so you can read them instantly for the low.

Then I checked my email and saw that my contact came through. I had been trying to reach the rap artist Tr.ina to interview her and when I was passed the info to her manager, I was elated! I spoke with him and her publicist and he told me that she would make all the arrangements! Yes!

See, a few years ago when I wrote the book I had this idea to get her to do a song with my book title but then she came out with Single Again, so I don’t know if that’s gonna be possible. But I’ll ask anyway. I can’t wait to get a picture with her to give to my Mama. My Mama LOVES Trina. “She’s the baddest bitch!” she says.

Then I got an email saying that my ad had been placed on a very popular site. Yay! Then I took a break from marketing and sending out emails to go to the grocery store cuz I checked my foodstamp card and there was money on it! Yay! I hadn’t eaten anything besides chips, ramen noodles and honey buns in a while.

After I shopped, restraining myself because I have to walk with those bags, I was about to cross the street when a man looked at me and said, “Damn. Who’s girlfriend is THAT?!”

Then he offered to carry my bags all the way home and I let him. I didn’t really look at him though. I wasn’t interested.

I have so much going on right now. You wouldn’t believe. But actually this is one of the most happy times in my life. I’m planting so many seeds. I can’t wait til next season for them to bloom.

Listen up!

I have to get this off my chest or I’m going to explode.

I don’t know if some foreign spirit has jumped in my body or what but I don’t, I just am not WITH THAT BULLSHIT. I’m not on that shit I used to be on.

I don’t want to hear NOBODY calling me trying to tell me what they think i should do.

I don’t want to hear NOBODY trying to give me their opinion unless they’ve accomplished what I’m trying to accomplish. I don’t CARE what you have to say or how you feel about what I’m doing.

I DONT CARE! Whisper that shit into the closet if you really MUST voice your opinion.

I don’t care if EVERY ONE of my friends gets mad and decides to NEVER speak to me again.

I’m not on that shit!

I’m not on that “let’s sit on the phone and giggle over dudes.”

I’m not on that “listen to me cry about him and then girl, let me go so he can fuck me.”

I’m not on that BULLSHIT.

I’m trying to stack chips.

I’m trying to make moves.

I’m using EVERY WAKING MINUTE to do whatever I can do to help me reach my goal of financial stability by means of my creativity.

I’m not ON THAT BULLSHIT anymore!

If you are still on that whiny- I don’t know what to do with my life BULL then please dismiss yourself.

I KNOW WHAT TO DO!

And I’m DOING IT!

And I’m not asking for your permission.

And I’m not begging you to come along.

And I don’t care if you EVER speak to me again.

I’m not ON THAT SHIT!

And I’m not attached to ANYONE.

If you want to say I’ve changed them go ahead.

I HAVE.

Change with me or just let me go.

I still wish you the best.

But even still, I don’t wanna hear that BULLSHIT IN MY DAMN EAR!

Go somewhere with that “Did you see THE GAME last night?” and your “OMG! He came to see me in the middle of the night, girl.”

If he aint come with the connection to your dream life and all he had to offer was some PENIS- I don’t wanna hear that shit!

I’m on some other shit!

So peace. I love you.

But I gotta go DO MY SHIT!