This Square Wheel

So today I decided to take a break from my obsession with my new site. It seems like I carry my notebook with me everywhere I go and am constantly scribbling ideas about how to promote it, how to market it, how to engage readers and get them to come back.

My phone died too so its been one QUIET existence for me. Not a soul to talk to as i sit in my room, eating ramen noodles and writing, creating, trying to focus on making my dream come true. This has been a tough time for me without my old best friend. I’ve come up with different perspectives to make me see not speaking to her as a GOOD thing and most have worked well until I was dealing with a situation today and my first instinct was, “Wait until I tell Tamara.” Then I realized there would be no telling Tamara.

~sigh~

I’m all alone in this now.

I feel my life shifting and it hurts so much because to shift, I have to let old things die. I say I want to be a new person but in order to do that the old must go away. Now I see why when ppl become successful those who knew them before say, “They’ve changed.” They HAD to change.

I have to change.

And I want to grow and heal. It was hard as hell for me to watch her these past few years. I would sit and cry by myself over her pain wondering when it would end and then watching her go back for more and listening to her dissatisfaction. It became too much. How could I ever heal while she was the closest relationship example in my life? I asked my friend Kim to call me more often because I wanted to hear GOOD stories to counteract the stories Tamara told but Kim is too busy enjoying her husband to sit and chat with me.

So I sat and I listened and encouraged and felt like I was in the misery too. With no way out. If that is what its like to love someone then I want no part of it. If loving someone means constantly yearning for them then I’m straight.

I don’t want to have to prove my love to anyone. I don’t want to wait around until they decide I’m the best thing for them. I don’t want to have to wait to be recognized for who I am.

I don’t WANT that shit she was in.

She still is.

Maybe I’m not a good friend for walking away but I couldn’t take it anymore. It came to a head when my book was released and she just ignored it because it was Valentines Day and she was busy trying to decide what she was gonna buy for him. I’m on the phone listening and hurting and I said, “he doesn’t deserve it.” Then she listed reasons why he did. Then texted me later complaining that he didn’t buy her anything but took her out to dinner explaining, “I took you out because you’re special.”

Not because I love you. Not because you’re my one and only. Not because I appreciate you, because I want to show you you’re special among the women in my life. DON”T YOU KNOW YOU”RE WORTH MORE THAN THAT?

Ugh. She never even ordered my book in support. I didn’t expect ANYONE to buy it but her. Everyone else got a pass.

My heart breaks and it has been breaking time and time again.

And I’m no better.

No better when it comes to relationships so I can’t say she’s dumb. At least she’s willing to try. I’m not.

No. I’m not. Not to have to go through that. No thanks.

Now, I’m trying to focus on making myself reach the level that I want to business-wise. I want to meet new women who are building empires around their name and balancing families at the same time too.

I want to meet DOERS instead of people who admire me for trying because they are too afraid to.

i know, I don’t fit in anywhere, at least not among the people I know from my past. So, I’m going to forge ahead hoping that this square wheel will find its match.

But it still hurts to let go of everyone and everything that wasn’t working, especially when you don’t know if what you are moving toward will be any better.

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