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Working On It

Today was a rough day for me… I couldnt find a ride to work. Well…actually I could have asked ONE MORE person for a ride but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I have a problem asking for help.

I have an issue accepting help from people even though I made it a lifestyle to help others.
I think emotionally I was just drained. My whole body was tired and I didn’t sleep a wink last night because I was so on edge searching for answers to forgiving myself for things Ive done in the past that I felt were WRONG. There are only two. I admitted them out loud to 2 people. I still feel guilty.
So I had to work on forgiving myself. Then on facing my fears…my fears of asking for help…and accepting it.
Still working on it…
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My Latest EBook

The UnLoveables captures the essence of why people believe they are not worthy to be loved. It breaks down the process of the creation of this belief and details the path to destroying it.

Support independent publishing: Buy this e-book on Lulu.

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Maybe I Deserve

For some reason I am so convinced that I don’t deserve good things in my life. I believe my life is evidence of this. I don’t know how to change this belief but I’ll do my best to make sure that any person I meet or decide to love…knows exactly what they deserve…good things…blessings…love…peace…prosperity.

I just…don’t understand why I feel like I only deserve death, punishment, hatred and loneliness.
I want to change this part of me, but I do not know how. I don’t know.
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The Crazy Part

The crazy part is…people always tell me I’m crazy. I don’t know exactly WHY they say it, but its THE most common description I hear after someone actually interacts with me for more than 30 minutes.

The other common descriptions I hear are… beautiful…awesome…refreshing…and crazy.
Well, I’ll add another one to the list…paranoid. I’m paranoid. I believe that most of the world hates me. I know this about myself and it is very difficult to interact with others because of this. I don’t ever expect anyone to like me or love me. If someone does, I am shocked. Then I try to figure out what it is about me that they are so focused on that they can’t see the real me and hate me like all the rest. That’s probably why I keep to myself. I enjoy my alone time. I feel much more comfortable by myself.
I hate when people tell me I’m crazy because I don’t harm anyone I just…do my best at what I do and try to stay out of peoples way.
I’m feeling so emotional tonight and that’s because 1) I’m hot. 2) I miss my sons and without a car I have no idea when I’ll see them again.
I feel like this was a set up…and I dont benefit from it at all. I’m crying right now because I feel trapped at this job and I feel unsuccessful in life and I’m trying to make sense of it all.
I miss my sons.
Tamara called me tonight screaming and crying over how fucked up it is that she has to share her son with his Dad and how she was a bad judge of character when she believed his Dad wanted to be with her and marry her and all that. All she did was make me SUPER GLAD that I am not in a relationship. I hope to NEVER EVER have to call her crying over some man or woman.
Which brings me back to this girl I used to talk to…I pray she never calls me again and if she does..I’ll probably end up changing my number. Its actually nice hearing her voice, it’s sweet but thinking back on our exchanges with each other…I wish I had never given her a chance. It was NOT good to know her at all. My life was not enriched because of it. Our interactions were all for her benefit. I’m not doing that shit anymore.
I miss my sons. They are the ONLY people on the planet that I know of who love me everyday without wanting anything from me. They don’t want sex or money, they just want ME. They know I’m a bit creative and off…and they love that part of me. I could use a hug from them right now. I’m so sad to still be here at this restaurant, in this city. I was hoping for something new…something to refresh me.
Still giving my gift of inspiration for free. But lately I have less hope that I’ll “blow up”. I have more hope that maybe by the time I die more people will see my videos and learn to have a life much more different than mine…and be different from me. And have more love…and more success…and be able to take care of their boys and theirselves even if they are “different” like me.
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Unstable Night

Last night was so wild… My ability to go through a situation, analyze it and break it up to figure out HOW I can help others through it is uncanny.

SO last night I was talking to Tamara and she was going off about the bad choices she made in life and how her kids have to suffer for it. As she spoke I was trying to break her negative perspective but she wasn’t having it. She was passionate, angry and screaming into the phone at me. After a little while I had to say, “Tamara, you’re spiraling.”
“How?” she asked in a calm tone.
“You went from one negative topic to another and now you’re going deep in it and honestly, I understand your need to vent but it’s beginning to affect me and my energy and I can’t go down that road tonight.”
She calmed down. “Let’s change it,” she said.
I honestly didn’t know how. So I talked about my next eBook and she gave me a great idea and as I flushed out what I envisioned it to be…I was kinda excited about it. But once we hung up…the old negative energy came back. I spent the entire night in torment, embraced by depression, negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts. I had not experienced a night like this in a while. I remembered them. They used to come so frequently and then I tricked myself into believing that everything happens for my good.
So the situations that occurred only led me to joy. But for some reason…last night…I was drawn into the pit of pity and self destructive thinking…
I called the suicide hotline and spoke with a counselor. The conversation was strange as he used reflecting as I explained my issue. It upset me. I wanted him to speak WORDS of encouragement! I wanted him to say something besides repeating back what I was saying! It was annoying as hell. He did manage to tell me that he thought I could benefit from developing a relationship with a counselor. I agreed.
After I hung up I still couldn’t sleep and I realized that the comforting words that I needed to hear I have already said…on my own youtube channel. That’s really what I wanted to hear from a counselor. “This isn’t permanent. This is a temporary situation. It gets better. This is just the dramatic part. Your story goes on past this.”
Damn… and as far as the suicidal thoughts telling me that what I provide right now through my creative work only being valuable once I die…well…I’m still not sure how to deal with that. If I was a Christian I would say its the devil and demons but I’m not sure I believe in demons anymore. Last night was no fun at all. I hope that shit doesnt happen again anytime soon.
I’m looking forward to a new direction. I would love to just…be surprised by a great opportunity which whisks me away from here and into my career as a journalist and coach. If not..I wouldn’t mind finding a new job that PAYS in the counseling field and just…finishing up my last year of grad school… but then I would STILL want to go back to my career as a journalist. ~sigh~
But…I’ll take whatever comes cuz…I’ve learned not to be attached to any one outcome. We create misery when we demand that life be a certain way instead of embracing the magic surprises along the way.
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Just Because I Don’t Want Your Love

Just Because I Don’t Want Your Love…doesn’t mean I don’t love myself. It really just means that I am uninterested in being attached to anyone right now.

Yes, my choice is rooted in fear but so what..its still MY CHOICE. I choose it willingly and joyfully. I am afraid to allow someone to get close to me.

I don’t hate myself, in fact, I haven’t met anyone on this website that I think would be a perfect match for me creative wise, physically…spiritually… But then again..I’m on here just to meet cool as women. I dont expect to meet anyone long term and I’m not interested in that.

I love myself. I don’t know anyone who is as cool and as sweet and as loyal as me. And damn I’m hot… For real…I see myself… I have issues that I ENJOY writing and talking about but for the mos part I have to bring them to the forefront in conversation because upon meeting me you wouldn’t know.

I love myself…and I’m tired of hearing otherwise simply because I am unwilling to allow someone into my life on a romantic level. How about…I don’t give a fuck about the arguments and bullshit I watch my friends go through… How about…the reward doesn’t seem to meet the drama in my opinion…

AM I crying over how I want a girl so badly or how I want a man? Nope…The most you’ll hear me say is, “I wanna fuck.” And I can go get some of that easily…guys and girls are easy.

Anyway…today I’m trying to find a job in the counseling field…. it’s my last year of grad school and internship is coming up and I’d like to have a real JOB while I do my internship. So…who knows… I still have to move again soon and this time without a car..back to North Miami so I can be close to my school.

Miracles can happen but..even if they don’t… I know I’ll be alright.

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Good days…

Today was a cool ass day…

My period came on and I was so surprised but then after I called Tamara to tell her i back tracked mentally and remembered my short depressed spell last week. Oh yeah…I usually go through this UGH stage when my period is about to come on but I attributed that UGH period to me losing my car and my place to live.
But I’ve been having good days. Today I got to enjoy an Ultimate Feast at work for FREE because I won it because I’ve been doing a good job. In fact, I’m the NUMBER ONE server according to the guest satisfaction surveys. So my manager decided to reward me and my service partner because we were consistent in our service.
Being #1 is cool but its not the whole world to me. I’m always #1 at everything I do…simply because I’m good at most things. Don’t put me in a math competition though.
The crazy part is..without a car I’ve had to figure out how to get to work. Asking for rides is a big no-no for me. It makes me feel so bad and so sad. So I decided to learn to take the bus. I was all excited about it one day. I got up early so I could call the bus station and get the right directions and stuff but then my manager said she wanted me to come in early and I should take a cab.
I took a cab to work and it was only $8 and some change. I decided to keep taking cabs and it’s been making me feel like a princess. My “driver” pulls up, I hop in, we chat until I reach my destination and I give him some money and he goes away. HOW COOL IS THAT? I think it’s practice for my future lifestyle. I know I’m gonna have a driver one day. I can’t wait!
I’ve been trying to look forward to something… The last thing I looked forward to was winning the O.prah talk show competition but i was disqualified because I made a mistake and didn’t use the same email addresses on both parts of the application. I didn’t know my email address that I used for her website was the one they wanted on the written application. That old email address is just for subscriptions. ~sigh~
It was so much fun waking up everyday…waiting for that phone call! Now..I don’t have anything like that to look forward to. Maybe something new will pop up.
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A Bunch Of Stuff

So I’m sitting in my roommates room today watching a wedding show when one of them says, “Oh, she wants to wear white but I want to wear red to our wedding.”

I’m like… WHAT?
When the hell did you get engaged?
Who proposed?
Then I proceed to ask all kind of questions because mentally it shocked me and made my head hurt. “Why would you want to get married?”
They looked at me like I was crazy.
Then they explained that when you find what you want in a person, you tend to want to hold on to it forever.
Forever… Forever…Forever…
My friend Dianna just got engaged. When that hoe told me I was blown away! She told me that she met a guy and he was so sweet to her that she started liking him. Then she called me to tell me that she and him were actually “together” and now… she’s on the phone with me explaining how God answered her prayers and she is in love with him and she trusts him with everything in her and how he puts her and her daughter first and how she can’t wait to begin her life with him..
~deep breath~
Wow…
I’m dizzy just thinking about it…
AND… my friend Bev…well…she and her love interest are just…vibing…like..all day… like..for real…
Like…imagine liking someone…and you think they’re so awesome…and you wish they would like you back and you imagine yourself kissing them but you never say anything. Well, I made her say something..and be friends and now…the girl is saying all the same things just in an undercover way… And they’re getting so close..so close… so close…
like how I hear it is when you meet someone you like and you stay up all night on the phone cuz you don’t want to hang up…
Hmmm…I used to do that with DEEP… Funny..I think about him sometimes…hope he’s doing well.
Seems like a lifetime ago but I don’t miss him. He’d have no use for me now..not without a car…
What else is on my mind? May as well just spit it on out.
Umm….I love blogging. I know all this new social media is out and its all fascinating and interesting to become involved but it seems like every year there;s a new craze. But there is nothing that makes me feel as peaceful..as comfortable…as UGHH…I don’t even know how to say it… but blogging feels like home…
I have certain pressures that I could be worrying about right now but…I don’t want to. I mean…I have to get a car and a new place to live within one month but somehow I know it’ll all work out.
Sometimes my paranoia tells me, “The whole world’s plotting against you. They want you to fall. They’re waiting. They’re watching. They’re laughing.”
When I hear those negative thoughts I pause and think of my friends who I KNOW love me. They do. And I think of my kids who love me no matter what I have or what I’m doing in my career. That’s real love.
I’m one year away from graduating with my Masters degree in Marriage & Family Therapy. Who the hell thought I’d ever be this close to getting a masters? It wasn’t in my plan. It wasn’t. Now i’m starting to feel the pressure of passing when before I just..went to learn.
There’s so much I’d like to happen in my life right now and the main focus is securing housing for myself and somehow getting a car so I can see my kids and go to work. I’m trying not to think of myself as a loser. I can just hear my Baby Daddy saying, “What a loser.”
But his words don’t define me anymore. I’m so much better in my mental state although I do notice some things that would define me as mentally ill.
Maybe I am..but its really the magical thinking, the positive thinking that makes people say I’m crazy. I believe that everything will work out for me. I believe I am a star. I see myself as grand and loveable and I expect that everyone who meets me will fall in love with me. I interpret their actions as such and everything centers around me. It’s my world. My universe. Everyone else is a supporting cast all sent from the divine to help me to achieve my dreams and be happy, to help me grow.
It feels so good to blog this all out. I don’t even care if no one is reading… I don’t. I just…appreciate the opportunity to say what I really mean… How I’m really feeling without having to hear that I’m wrong or I’m being too open.
Maybe I’m wrong…Maybe none of my dreams will come true. Really, they don’t have to.. Cuz think about it.. I dreamt of being a journalist and I was one. I dreamt of being a speaker and I’ve had the blessing to be that. I dreamt of being a waitress and I am one. I counsel people. I help people to come out of their shells and receive love. I write books. I write articles. I have my own youtube channel. I’ve had my own talk show. I’ve been a DJ. I’ve done it ALL.
I’ve lived a full and rich life so far… the only thing I haven’t experienced…besides traveling the world in luxury and being crazy rich is…being love romantically.
I wouldn’t trade anything I’ve been through. I just hope one day my sons can experience the magic of watching their dreams come true. And I hope I can stand back and applaud as they do…
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Too Grateful

My absolute favorite thing to do is learn.

I try to hang out and smoke and chill, play pool, play cards, and dominoes but I get so bored so easily.

Sometimes television intrigues me but for the most part I don’t watch it. In fact, since moving into my new place, I haven’t even plugged in my TV set. Don’t need to. I thrive on reading and learning new healing techniques and philosophies that will help me to help others shift their perspective to more positive expectations about life.

I have a friend who thinks “this world is all fucked up” I hate it when she says that. Because she holds this belief she doesn’t notice anything but the despair and pain in the world. It’s so hard to talk to her sometimes but we work diligently to maintain our friendship because we want to.

I tend to think of the world as magical. I believe we have the same powers that Jesus demonstrated but we are too afraid and too conditioned by this world to excercise these powers.

I’ve seen for myself how people with very little can transform their lives into what they want and then when they get what they want they forget that what they have now was once what they PRAYED FOR.

I feel sad for ungrateful people. The energy they use to gain the desires of their heart isn’t appreciated because once they have what they desire, all they can think about is getting more.

Maybe I’m a bit jaded because I have been on this journey to my personal success story for years. If you measure my success by money or material things then you would have to label me a loser. But if you measure my success by my ability to appreciate what I have and the lessons I learn everyday I am even more successful than Oprah.

I love my life. Sometimes I get a little down because I recognize the kind of effort I put into teaching others how to love life and helping others to meet their needs and I feel like I should be more comfortable and stable but really…there is nothing that I have ever wanted that i did not receive.

I always dreamt of having a driver and now I have no car and I get to take a cab. I always wanted to be FREE to be with whoever I wanted to be with and I am perpetually single. Most people would think my life is cursed…but the TRUE seekers…the KNOWERS and the THINKERS recognize that this journey of ups and downs and ascension through obstacles is the stuff that dreams are made of.

WHat are my highest dreams? The dreams that are so close to my heart that I can only whisper them without bursting into tears?

I dream of watching my sons grow up into wonderful men who recognize the power of their imagination and their existence. I dream of clapping for them and watching them WIN. I dream of writing from the patio of my beachfront home…receiving copies of my latest books and piling them on my deck so that I can autograph them and send them off to my marketing agent for contest winners and stable fans.

I dream of saucy sex in a room with no walls with a person who adores every inch of me from the inside out. I dream of giving great gifts to those who have stood beside me. I dream of thanking them in every way imagineable for not giving up on me and trying to hinder me from my untraditional path.

Right now I am completely in love with myself and I accept every part of my circumstances as fate. The depression, the paranoia, the terrets the anxiety, the rejection of romantic love- that’s all me. I’m me, my dear. It’s all me…but its not ALL of me.. You feel me?

I am a treasure trove of wisdom and emotional support. Their is never a time when I do not answer my phone for a person in need. There is never a time that I do not stop and brainstorm ways to help. The best part of me is the helper in me… It’s not the beauty you see. Yeah, I get that… In this society I would be called beautiful. Yet, that is not the best of me. I don’t know why I was made to look this way and why my quirks are seen as flaws and why I have anxiety. I don’t know why. But it’s all me.

And my sons love me. They’re the best part of me. ANd my bestfriend does too. If no one else decides to…I’m already good.

I live my dreams everyday. I’ve participated in every single career path that I always wanted to. There is so much satisfaction in me lately. Even though things are still shaky.

Everything I want comes to me. Everything I believe…happens for me.

I appreciate being me.

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At The Library- Updating

I’ve been missing…I know.

I’m sorry. I broke my laptop a while back and haven’t been able to buy a new one. I finally got a library computer card so I walked to the library and now I’m able to share my world again.

It’s funny..I can’t go back and tell the stories that I should have told so I’ll just start from today.

Today I am…

Nervous…because I…Well.. I kinda.. I know.. I just…I… I feel like.. I’m.. I’m just.. Man I can’t even write it out like that without trembling yet..

I have to..

So for real…

Um..

I think I’m like..gay…

So yeah. Its weird.

Cuz all the dudes I’ve fucked in the past and all the heartache and all the pain and all the yearning to be loved and all the pushing them away immediately feeling like something is wrong with Me…wondering why it was an automatic instinct NOT to be with them. Feeling like it was WRONG. Wanting it to work but sabotaging it on purpose cuz I just didn’t feel right…

Bi sexual.. Whatever. I don’t know. It doesnt matter to me. All that matters is that.. good..great feeling I get when I’m with a woman I’m attracted to. It feels so good. It feels so good to make out with her. To touch her. To taste her. It’s been a lot of experimenting. A lot of overcoming fears. All of this took place this year. I dove right in headfirst and got bruised a lot. Learned the game a little bit. I learned that girls do the same jedi mind tricks men do..except..

except…

After being dissed by a woman, I don’t hate them all. I don’t want to run away. I just..want to try again. I still smile at girls. I still look at them. I don’t think they are ALL assholes out to hurt me. I want to be touched and eventually loved.

Also…this past weekend I was exhausted mentally and physically to the point where I went to the hospital to see what was going on. I couldn’t eat or sleep or walk or go to the bathroom. I just lay there like a zombie.

Feeling all kinds of negative thoughts floating through.

I went to the mental hospital. I checked in. I got some rest. They ran tests on my body and said there was nothing wrong. I met with the psychiatrist who just dismissed me. I’m not crazy..officially…but I am stressed out.

I love my life..I do. When I hear my kids having fun and being happy..that relaxes me.

When I see my little sister with her BIG BABY belly..that makes me smile.

When I talk to my confused and crazy bestfriend Tamara..that makes me feel needed.

Everyone is confused as to why the hell I’m getting a masters in counseling if I want to be a journalist but I don’t see why they are confused. My bachelors in journalism has served me well and ultimately that is what i want to do for a living but the WISDOM I’ve gained from my masters program will stay with me for a lifetime. It will add so much value to my writing. I know it will.

How can I find a proper way to fuse the two? I’m nto sure. I don’t know. I don’t even know how I’ll get an internship in the new year. I decided to focus on one thing at a time. For now, it’s getting another car. After that it will be finding a new place to live. Finishing this semester.

Small things. When I stop thinking about my GRAND VISION for my life and do it in much smaller chunks, I am better equipped to measure my success. I have to think smaller. one thing at a time. One thing. It’s cool that I change my mind. That I try different things and then when I see it’s becoming too easy I move on…

I don’t like being bored.

Right now I’m looking for a new job. I want to get off my feet for my final year of grad school. I want to move away from serving. I’m bored with it and my body is tired from it.

I want to write again, to create again. I want to write again, to create again. To receive financial abundance from that creativity.

I saw an opportunity that I’d be perfect for. I applied. I always do. I find perfect opportunities but none of them have panned out so far.

I’ll keep trying..

I’m so grown now. I’m 31. I’m so happy now. I’m so happy that I’m not miserable and blaming shit on others anymore. That feel so fucking liberating. my life is MY responsibility.

And I’m so happy I started dating girls. They’re so beautiful. So beautiful. So complex and sweet. And..I wanna touch’em.

And hold them..

I had a girl for 3 weeks but…she wasn’t right for me. She didn’t value me. Same story… But I KNOW..just like ALL the men from my past, she’ll think of me often…and after she experiences one or two more women she’ll wish she had treated me better.

They ALL do that…they don’t value me until they mature then they come back professing that they never loved anyone like they loved me.

They ALL do that…

Kinda sucks for me huh?

But still..she was awesome..and I wouldn’t change a minute of it because…she made me feel so happy. So happy.

I can’t wait to meet another beautiful chick…