The Crazy Part

The crazy part is…people always tell me I’m crazy. I don’t know exactly WHY they say it, but its THE most common description I hear after someone actually interacts with me for more than 30 minutes.

The other common descriptions I hear are… beautiful…awesome…refreshing…and crazy.
Well, I’ll add another one to the list…paranoid. I’m paranoid. I believe that most of the world hates me. I know this about myself and it is very difficult to interact with others because of this. I don’t ever expect anyone to like me or love me. If someone does, I am shocked. Then I try to figure out what it is about me that they are so focused on that they can’t see the real me and hate me like all the rest. That’s probably why I keep to myself. I enjoy my alone time. I feel much more comfortable by myself.
I hate when people tell me I’m crazy because I don’t harm anyone I just…do my best at what I do and try to stay out of peoples way.
I’m feeling so emotional tonight and that’s because 1) I’m hot. 2) I miss my sons and without a car I have no idea when I’ll see them again.
I feel like this was a set up…and I dont benefit from it at all. I’m crying right now because I feel trapped at this job and I feel unsuccessful in life and I’m trying to make sense of it all.
I miss my sons.
Tamara called me tonight screaming and crying over how fucked up it is that she has to share her son with his Dad and how she was a bad judge of character when she believed his Dad wanted to be with her and marry her and all that. All she did was make me SUPER GLAD that I am not in a relationship. I hope to NEVER EVER have to call her crying over some man or woman.
Which brings me back to this girl I used to talk to…I pray she never calls me again and if she does..I’ll probably end up changing my number. Its actually nice hearing her voice, it’s sweet but thinking back on our exchanges with each other…I wish I had never given her a chance. It was NOT good to know her at all. My life was not enriched because of it. Our interactions were all for her benefit. I’m not doing that shit anymore.
I miss my sons. They are the ONLY people on the planet that I know of who love me everyday without wanting anything from me. They don’t want sex or money, they just want ME. They know I’m a bit creative and off…and they love that part of me. I could use a hug from them right now. I’m so sad to still be here at this restaurant, in this city. I was hoping for something new…something to refresh me.
Still giving my gift of inspiration for free. But lately I have less hope that I’ll “blow up”. I have more hope that maybe by the time I die more people will see my videos and learn to have a life much more different than mine…and be different from me. And have more love…and more success…and be able to take care of their boys and theirselves even if they are “different” like me.