So I’m sitting in my roommates room today watching a wedding show when one of them says, “Oh, she wants to wear white but I want to wear red to our wedding.”
I’m like… WHAT?
When the hell did you get engaged?
Who proposed?
Then I proceed to ask all kind of questions because mentally it shocked me and made my head hurt. “Why would you want to get married?”
They looked at me like I was crazy.
Then they explained that when you find what you want in a person, you tend to want to hold on to it forever.
Forever… Forever…Forever…
My friend Dianna just got engaged. When that hoe told me I was blown away! She told me that she met a guy and he was so sweet to her that she started liking him. Then she called me to tell me that she and him were actually “together” and now… she’s on the phone with me explaining how God answered her prayers and she is in love with him and she trusts him with everything in her and how he puts her and her daughter first and how she can’t wait to begin her life with him..
~deep breath~
Wow…
I’m dizzy just thinking about it…
AND… my friend Bev…well…she and her love interest are just…vibing…like..all day… like..for real…
Like…imagine liking someone…and you think they’re so awesome…and you wish they would like you back and you imagine yourself kissing them but you never say anything. Well, I made her say something..and be friends and now…the girl is saying all the same things just in an undercover way… And they’re getting so close..so close… so close…
like how I hear it is when you meet someone you like and you stay up all night on the phone cuz you don’t want to hang up…
Hmmm…I used to do that with DEEP… Funny..I think about him sometimes…hope he’s doing well.
Seems like a lifetime ago but I don’t miss him. He’d have no use for me now..not without a car…
What else is on my mind? May as well just spit it on out.
Umm….I love blogging. I know all this new social media is out and its all fascinating and interesting to become involved but it seems like every year there;s a new craze. But there is nothing that makes me feel as peaceful..as comfortable…as UGHH…I don’t even know how to say it… but blogging feels like home…
I have certain pressures that I could be worrying about right now but…I don’t want to. I mean…I have to get a car and a new place to live within one month but somehow I know it’ll all work out.
Sometimes my paranoia tells me, “The whole world’s plotting against you. They want you to fall. They’re waiting. They’re watching. They’re laughing.”
When I hear those negative thoughts I pause and think of my friends who I KNOW love me. They do. And I think of my kids who love me no matter what I have or what I’m doing in my career. That’s real love.
I’m one year away from graduating with my Masters degree in Marriage & Family Therapy. Who the hell thought I’d ever be this close to getting a masters? It wasn’t in my plan. It wasn’t. Now i’m starting to feel the pressure of passing when before I just..went to learn.
There’s so much I’d like to happen in my life right now and the main focus is securing housing for myself and somehow getting a car so I can see my kids and go to work. I’m trying not to think of myself as a loser. I can just hear my Baby Daddy saying, “What a loser.”
But his words don’t define me anymore. I’m so much better in my mental state although I do notice some things that would define me as mentally ill.
Maybe I am..but its really the magical thinking, the positive thinking that makes people say I’m crazy. I believe that everything will work out for me. I believe I am a star. I see myself as grand and loveable and I expect that everyone who meets me will fall in love with me. I interpret their actions as such and everything centers around me. It’s my world. My universe. Everyone else is a supporting cast all sent from the divine to help me to achieve my dreams and be happy, to help me grow.
It feels so good to blog this all out. I don’t even care if no one is reading… I don’t. I just…appreciate the opportunity to say what I really mean… How I’m really feeling without having to hear that I’m wrong or I’m being too open.
Maybe I’m wrong…Maybe none of my dreams will come true. Really, they don’t have to.. Cuz think about it.. I dreamt of being a journalist and I was one. I dreamt of being a speaker and I’ve had the blessing to be that. I dreamt of being a waitress and I am one. I counsel people. I help people to come out of their shells and receive love. I write books. I write articles. I have my own youtube channel. I’ve had my own talk show. I’ve been a DJ. I’ve done it ALL.
I’ve lived a full and rich life so far… the only thing I haven’t experienced…besides traveling the world in luxury and being crazy rich is…being love romantically.
I wouldn’t trade anything I’ve been through. I just hope one day my sons can experience the magic of watching their dreams come true. And I hope I can stand back and applaud as they do…