At The Library- Updating

I’ve been missing…I know.

I’m sorry. I broke my laptop a while back and haven’t been able to buy a new one. I finally got a library computer card so I walked to the library and now I’m able to share my world again.

It’s funny..I can’t go back and tell the stories that I should have told so I’ll just start from today.

Today I am…

Nervous…because I…Well.. I kinda.. I know.. I just…I… I feel like.. I’m.. I’m just.. Man I can’t even write it out like that without trembling yet..

I have to..

So for real…

Um..

I think I’m like..gay…

So yeah. Its weird.

Cuz all the dudes I’ve fucked in the past and all the heartache and all the pain and all the yearning to be loved and all the pushing them away immediately feeling like something is wrong with Me…wondering why it was an automatic instinct NOT to be with them. Feeling like it was WRONG. Wanting it to work but sabotaging it on purpose cuz I just didn’t feel right…

Bi sexual.. Whatever. I don’t know. It doesnt matter to me. All that matters is that.. good..great feeling I get when I’m with a woman I’m attracted to. It feels so good. It feels so good to make out with her. To touch her. To taste her. It’s been a lot of experimenting. A lot of overcoming fears. All of this took place this year. I dove right in headfirst and got bruised a lot. Learned the game a little bit. I learned that girls do the same jedi mind tricks men do..except..

except…

After being dissed by a woman, I don’t hate them all. I don’t want to run away. I just..want to try again. I still smile at girls. I still look at them. I don’t think they are ALL assholes out to hurt me. I want to be touched and eventually loved.

Also…this past weekend I was exhausted mentally and physically to the point where I went to the hospital to see what was going on. I couldn’t eat or sleep or walk or go to the bathroom. I just lay there like a zombie.

Feeling all kinds of negative thoughts floating through.

I went to the mental hospital. I checked in. I got some rest. They ran tests on my body and said there was nothing wrong. I met with the psychiatrist who just dismissed me. I’m not crazy..officially…but I am stressed out.

I love my life..I do. When I hear my kids having fun and being happy..that relaxes me.

When I see my little sister with her BIG BABY belly..that makes me smile.

When I talk to my confused and crazy bestfriend Tamara..that makes me feel needed.

Everyone is confused as to why the hell I’m getting a masters in counseling if I want to be a journalist but I don’t see why they are confused. My bachelors in journalism has served me well and ultimately that is what i want to do for a living but the WISDOM I’ve gained from my masters program will stay with me for a lifetime. It will add so much value to my writing. I know it will.

How can I find a proper way to fuse the two? I’m nto sure. I don’t know. I don’t even know how I’ll get an internship in the new year. I decided to focus on one thing at a time. For now, it’s getting another car. After that it will be finding a new place to live. Finishing this semester.

Small things. When I stop thinking about my GRAND VISION for my life and do it in much smaller chunks, I am better equipped to measure my success. I have to think smaller. one thing at a time. One thing. It’s cool that I change my mind. That I try different things and then when I see it’s becoming too easy I move on…

I don’t like being bored.

Right now I’m looking for a new job. I want to get off my feet for my final year of grad school. I want to move away from serving. I’m bored with it and my body is tired from it.

I want to write again, to create again. I want to write again, to create again. To receive financial abundance from that creativity.

I saw an opportunity that I’d be perfect for. I applied. I always do. I find perfect opportunities but none of them have panned out so far.

I’ll keep trying..

I’m so grown now. I’m 31. I’m so happy now. I’m so happy that I’m not miserable and blaming shit on others anymore. That feel so fucking liberating. my life is MY responsibility.

And I’m so happy I started dating girls. They’re so beautiful. So beautiful. So complex and sweet. And..I wanna touch’em.

And hold them..

I had a girl for 3 weeks but…she wasn’t right for me. She didn’t value me. Same story… But I KNOW..just like ALL the men from my past, she’ll think of me often…and after she experiences one or two more women she’ll wish she had treated me better.

They ALL do that…they don’t value me until they mature then they come back professing that they never loved anyone like they loved me.

They ALL do that…

Kinda sucks for me huh?

But still..she was awesome..and I wouldn’t change a minute of it because…she made me feel so happy. So happy.

I can’t wait to meet another beautiful chick…

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