Posted on

Easy, Breezy

Whoa…

I been on tiny chat like everyday which is NORMAL for my obsessive ass when I find something new to explore. A whole new cast of characters to meet and observe and…a lot of laffs so far. Let’s see how long this fascination lasts.
I met with my advisor today. We registered me for 2 classes next semester and then 3 next FALL…so that means I have the summer off…which means I need to manifest a JOB next semester so I will have a place to live next summer. Ain’t going back to the streets…no sir…
I’m excited about my classes next Spring. I get to take Research methods which will teach me how to do a full out scholarly article. I cant WAIT! I dont need the damn school to help me..I am going to get published whether they co sign or not…
It’s harder this way though…
Like trying to pick up a penny while a crowd of marathon runners are breezing by…
But…still I rise.. LOL
Well..after next SPRING, which begins in August 2010 I am officially done with classes…and I start my internship and practicum where I will sit for the first time in front of real clients and attempt to counsel them. I’m trying to get practice by volunteering for the suicide hotline but…they wont return my calls. Maybe they heard about my blog..I don’t know…
I’m feeling healthy…mentally…I no longer have fears like I used to. I’ve really learned to go with the flow about things and I’m believing that everything is for my best.
Ughh well..u know I’m still dealing with that thing with MEN…but I’m changing..I can feel it. I’m not as hurt as I used to be…I’m still not open yet…but I’m not hurting anymore. I don’t know. There are a million men in the world so…I meet one every damn day and when I feel like it…I’ll change. Until then…I’m workin on it…
What’s cool is I had my very first eTheray session tonight on Tiny Chat. I met my “client” in a web cam chat room and we discussed her relationship. Ima be honest..I was at a muthafukin loss! I didn’t know what to say! I was so embarrassed. this counseling stuff is much more difficult than it looks! For a minute I wanted to cry because…I couldnt relate to any of her issues..I was more enthralled by the fact that she has someone who loves her and that she loves back…
How the hell am I going to be a relationship therapist when I spend 98% of my time alone and I don’t have any friends in this city and I don’t date and I don’t socialize?
I don’t know…
But fuck it…I’ll let life figure it out for me…I will not stress….
Easy breezy….
Posted on

Wish I Was Better

Wow… I just realized something about myself.

I have absolutely no idea how to operate within a system. Umm…if you don’t know, a system is just a group of people who work together or live together or do anything that requires exchange of information or cooperation.
Am I saying I’m not a team player….No, I am a team player. I do more than required because I love to work but when it comes to SOCIAL DECORUM…I have none. I say anything I want to say and do what I love to do which usually…is a good thing because I am positive and I do more but sometimes its embarrassing to the team….So I try to keep to myself as much as I can but eventually I will be me.
And being ME does not gel well within a system. I work better alone. I don’t know how I’m going to do this….I better start focusing back on my writing.
Posted on

Brilliant Mama

Today I picked my boys up from school, my eyes lit up as they walked toward my car.

There’s something about them….
We could not figure out what we wanted to eat so we just went to the chinese place and picked up some wings and rice and shrimp & lobster sauce and then we grabbed milkshakes from Burger King and then..on our last stop at the gas station..i realized that I didn’t have any money. I had lost my money.
Instead of having a fit and a pity party for myself, my son Sai said, “It’s okay Mama.” and I agreed. Although that was the last of my money…I just felt it would be alright.
“It’ll be alright,” I said to my boys as I climbed into the car. “It’ll come back.”
As soon as I started the car and put it in drive…I turned the wheel and noticed something…it was my money, on the ground. It must have fallen and floated beneath the car. I smiled, stopped the car and quickly retrieved it.
I smiled at my boys and said, “See what happens when you stay calm and believe the best? What if I had been crying and frustrated and sending out negative vibes? If i had been crying, my eyes would have been closed and I wouldn’t have been able to see the money on the ground.”
After the food was long gone and the homework was done, we sat on the bed together. I talk to them like they’re my friends…
“You know, I’m glad you guys get to see me grow as a person,” I told them. “I’m different than I was before.”
“How?”
“Well, I used to be sad all the time. I used to be so sad.”
“Why?”
“Cuz I had a person in my life who constantly told me that I was nothing and worthless and a loser and dumb and no one would ever love me. And I believed them and it made me sad all the time. But now I’ve learned that if someone says something bad about you…don’t believe them, just don’t be their friend. It’s a lie. So now I don’t listen to anyone but me.”
“Why would they say that? You’re not dumb,” my younger son said. “You’re…brilliant Mama.”
I almost cried.
“I know,”I said. “But I’m glad someone else notices it besides me. Thanks baby…”
Posted on

I’m In Love


Yeah… I said it.

And i can’t stop smiling. I wake up every morning giggling to myself and sending out positive love energy to my friends. I blow kisses in the wind, hoping that the lusciousness of my lips will reach the stars and sprinkle down blessings on me.
I have no rhyme or reason to feel this way. I’m a server at Red Lobster. I’m only HALF WAY through grad school and my BBDD takes EVERY SINGLE Paycheck I make in child support yet…I still smile everyday.
I remember when I used to be so depressed all the time. I felt like my life was horrific and I was a victim of my circumstances. I felt so alone and hurt. Chile….not anymore.
I’m in love with my life even though there’s no romance on my agenda. The pain in my chest is now an indication of the expansion of my love for myself and others.
I still don’t give a damn what you think…but I love you for your opinion.
I wish I could make love to myself but instead…I’ll just settle for writing these lines and thinking of you and smiling…
Posted on

Still Alive but Disconnected

I love you…

My laptop died a few weeks ago so I havent been able to update for you guys..I do hope to get a new one or find a replacement part but do know I’m okay, still in school, still pushing men away every chance I get, still hopeful about…everything.

I hope you have a great holiday!

Here’s my favorite postsecret from this week!

SOOO TRUE FOR ME!
Posted on

2010 Happy New Year

Ahhh…

It’s been a while. While I’m waiting for my car to be looked at, there is a nice quiet computer lab here so I’ll try to tell a few stories.

I miss yall. I miss my laptop. I havent really put much effort into getting it fixed because I’ve been doing other things with my Red Lobster tips. Work has been going fine. I’m getting better everyday but I’m falling in love faster than I can imagine. I love serving. Its like being on a stage, all eyes on me, I am in control of my customer’s experience. I love it!

Christmas was okay. I was unable to buy my boys gifts this year because my car got stuck in the weird ass floods and I had to put money into that but…it’s all good. They still smile everytime they see me.

It’s cold as hell right now. I’m freezing every night, with no warm body to warm me or heater to help me be more comfy at night. But its still all good. Everything is all good actually. I can’t think of one thing to complain about…

Tamara is doing well. Her son’s father just left for the army so she’s a little nervous about having to take care of both of her kids full time now. They used to split time with their son and now he’s gone so it’s all on her now. I know she can do it, I hope she does.

Sylvia is all caught up in nursing school. She trips me out the way she freaks out before each test knowing she’s a scholar. sometimes I think she LIKES to worry cuz she always comes out doing well. She met a guy that she kinda liked but through the process of being facebook friends, she saw some things she didn’t like and cut him off. LOL. I hope she finds what she is looking for…cuz watching my friends date really gets to me. I don’t wanna do it.

Guess what? My kids told me that their Dad and his girl (Hyper Chick) broke up. What? she went and got her own place with her baby. I feel sad for him for some reason. I don’t want him to be lonely and sad. I actually thought they were perfect for each other.

Ruby moved to Memphis and is enjoying the dating scene there. Ruby is a pro at the bachelorette lifestyle but sometimes I think she wants more. She says she doesnt so I have to believe her.

Oh…Kim is still in Chicago. She celebrated a 1 year anniversary of her marriage and is a couple of months away from having her first baby, a girl. She’s naming her Maya.

Mimi is still in Atlanta taking care of her son and planning for her future. I saw her over Xmas break and we got to hang out. I miss her and love her so much.

I’ll do seperate posts for the rest of the stories I have to tell…

Just wanted to say…HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(pray I get a new laptop soon so I can get back to writing).

Posted on

Friends & Co Workers

So you should know by now that I AM NOT FRIENDLY. Especially in the workplace, but THESE co workers are so different and they have introduced me to the server lifestyle which is a bunch of fun, beers and doing nothing at all…just celebrating life.

I hang with a group of people nearly everyday. Last night we built a fire and sat around just quiet..lost in our own thoughts. After we went for a drink at a bar and I went home to try to fall asleep in the cold. It’s freezing here. I hate this. I miss tropical Miami.

I am not completely comfortable with this group because I feel like I can’t talk about subjects that are important to me. THings like, progress, success and philosophy. Maybe it’s just me…but I don’t feel like they would be interested so most of the time I am quiet or I try to be. I’ve learned from them to let go a little and just have fun. They are great people, all ages all races, who just vibe together over beers after work. We all stand around in our work uniforms and talk shit about whatever comes to mind.

I know that these people may not be in my life for a very long time, but for now, I love being around people who like them who accept me for who I am and now where they know I am headed. It feels good not to be the superstar sometimes…

Posted on

The Last Dude

The last dude I messed with was 22 years old. He wasn’t cute to me at first but his non chalant personality is what attracted me to him. We did it a few times and hung out a few times but after one particularly good date he texted me and said he doesnt want anything serious. Now you know good and well that marriage is NOT on my mind…the whole idea of sitting in the house with a man for the rest of my life doesn’t feel right…

But still..I’m not interested in a man who would TELL ME he doesnt want anything with me. What? Does he think that will make me chase him? Hell no! I stopped speaking to his ass immediately and he’s been showing up where I hang out and at my job…and he still won’t speak to me when he does…how lame.

Anyway…the last time I saw him was New Years eve. My boys and I were vibin out with my co workers and he just pops up 20 minutes to midnight..ignores me and hangs out to watch the ball drop with us. Weird…by the time I saw him I was too through with the whole thing because…

Well…I met a girl…

Posted on

I Met A Girl

I was at work just doing my thing, making it happen as a server when the hostess asked me to come to the front to give directions to a man on the phone. As I approached the front desk, the front door opens and I froze in place when she walked in.

All I could do was stand and stare as she stood in front of the hostess stand. I think I managed to say Hi but I don’t even remember.

In my mind I was like, “Damn she’s georgeous.”

But it didn’t stop there…

She walked up to one of my co workers, a server who is well known for her gay lifestyle and outgoing personality. I tried to pretend like she wasn’t there as I organized the birthday sing along for one of my co workers but I felt this…this…tug on my heart.

After we sang and ordered food to eat since our shift was over, my co worker came over and I asked her, without even hesitating, “Who was your friend?” My eyes glued to my plate, feeling all nervous and wondering why.

“Who? Cameron? You haven’t met her before?”

“No,” I shook my head.

“What? She’s cute huh?”

I nodded my head and mumbled, “Yeah.”

“You want me to get her phone number for you?” she asked.

“No,” I replied quickly. “What would I say?” I was confused right then. I mean, I was attracted to this GIRL like she was a MAN. A fine ass MAN! I didn’t understand it.

At this point I realized that..um…Oh shit…all of the rest of my co workers are still here and I have never said I liked girls, in fact, I have never actually LIKED a girl before..even though I sometimes insinuate that I do. But THIS girl…

I went home and couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her dreads, the way she smiled, the way she was dressed, her spirit. I could NOT stop thinking about her.

I called up my BFF Tamara and told her what happened and guess what she said, “I guess you can’t help who you are attracted to.”

I raised my eyebrow at that response since a few years ago she told me flat out, “If you ever decided to be gay, I wouldn’t be your friend anymore.” Guess something happened…

So I went through the night crying and questioning myself. I don’t get it, how can I think of a GIRL in the way I would think of a MAN? What’s going on here? Why do I feel drawn to her? What is it about her?

I went in to work the next day feeling crazy and confused but still trying to smile as I greet and serve my tables. My manager hands me a tray with a raspberry lemonade on it, “Tee, could you please drop this off at table 58?”

“Sure.” I grab the tray and saunter out of the kitchen. I turn to table 58 and I freeze. Oh shit! It’s the girl again. This time she’s filling out paperwork to start working there.

I fucked up so many orders that day, I couldn’t concentrate. As she left I found myself watching her walk away through the window and then being confused. What’s wrong with me? This is a GIRL!

This is a girl…

This is a girl…

But I couldn’t stop thinking about her…

The next day and the day after…

And the next day…

And I wanted to see her again so I asked my co worker to introduce us and she laughed. “Wait…”I tried to explain. “I…I’ve never been attracted to any girl before…before I saw her.”

She told me that she was going to be working with us so it would be best if I waited to get to know her first. “You just try to be friends, like bestfriends…and then things could change.”

I reluctantly agreed. I mean, I don’t even know what I’d do with her if I was WITH Her. What d lesbians do together anyway? Am I a lesbian?

I called my Mama and told her what happened. She laughed so loud..”So you’re a lesbian now?” she asked.

“No. not yet. I can’t be a lesbian by myself. She has to like me back. I’ll let you know what happens.”

Yesterday I was on facebook and I looked her up. I found her quickly and looked through her pics. She has dreads, very nice ones, tattoos on her forearms and she’s boyish. Like, she wears timberlands and stuff..but she’s still so beautiful to me. I sent her a friend request, introduced myself and she accepted it.

I don’t know. This is gay…and gay as in…weird…

I keep thinking of this homemade porn that Curtis showed me one time…As I watched two of his homegirls lick and tease each other…it was disgusting to me. Still is kinda disgusting I guess.

I mean, girls have nice bodies and smell good but the thought of actually TOUCHING one in a sexual way never appealed to me, until now.

In fact, all the things that I suppose I SHOULD be imagining doing with a guy like cuddling and going to the movies and taking pictures and shopping and holding hands in the mall, I imagine doing it with her. And I don’t even know her.

Ahh…it feels so good to let that out. WHo knows if she’ll even think Im pretty or if we’ll have anything in common. I just wanna know WHY i feel so drawn to her. Maybe she has a lesson to teach me or maybe she’ll completely blow me off. I don’t know. I sure would love to hang out with her and find out about her life.

I don’t know…

I guess this story is still…pending…

Posted on

Nothing Much This Week

Yeah…

So I’m on campus about to hit up this Family Therapy class. I’m beginning to be burnt out from all of this therapy. ~sigh~

Hopefully, this will be my last year of school. I have 5 classes including this semester and I’m done. If I can somehow squeeze in my two semesters of internships this year then I can be done by December.

“Why you rushing?” My sons asked. I stared at them with a blank look.

I don’t know. I’m just…ready for something new.

So…I added the girl I was mesmerized by on facebook and sent her a message with my number and she never called. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m pretty. Maybe that’s not how girls holla at each other. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is she is FINE to me…and lately I’ve seen other girls who are attractive to me. Seems like a mismatch though… I am attracted to the women who dress like men and have dreads but they never pay me any attention. I get hit on all the time by women who are very girly with weaves and perms and I’m not attracted to that at all. This seems trickier than dating men, which I don’t anymore.

But anyway….I went out last week. I tried to hit up the gay club but when I went I felt so out of place…not my type of crowd at all so I left after five minutes. I went to the usual spot and was so annoyed by the men there grabbing on me. I did have a couple of drinks and just as I was leaving I stopped to chill and when I looked to the side this fine ass dude was standing there smiling at me.

We vibed for the rest of the night including Ihop and ~smiling~ you know me…what else is a fine ass dude good for? By the time he dropped me back to me car I was so happy that I actually kissed him goodbye. And when he called the next day..I answered cuz I couldnt stop smiling over how good he made me feel.

I don’t really give a damn if I ever see him again…old habits are so hard to break. I got a call from Tamara last week and she was boo hoo crying over her new dude and that phone call irked me so much because…why would I deal with a dude who would make me cry? Why would she?

I hate that shit. I can hear her voice in my mind saying, “Give a guy 3 chances to mess up before you cut him off.” THREE chances? yeah right. He gets half a chance and not even that if I’m PMS’ing. I don’t value men in my life and I’m gonna stop trying to feel bad about it.

I don’t know….

There are so many things that I want to happen but none of them I’m really attached to…If they happen– YAY!– if not..oh well…

I just wanna be…you know…happy.

That’s pretty much it. And I achieve that everyday by choice.

Still no laptop to update more often but I’m hoping you’re having a great new year!