Month: September 2011

I still love myself.

I feel like the Buddha sitting under the tree, determined to figure things out to help enlighten the world.

I feel like Carl Jung writing in his Red Book but hiding it so the world could only see his brilliant findings.

I feel like Eckhart Tolle when he was young and isolated himself so that he could figure out why he existed.

Do you get it?

THE most brilliant minds, whose thoughts shaped our culture and history are all nutcases who had to claw their way out of their own personal hell in order to create a philosophy of healing.

ALL OF THEM!

So don’t feel bad for me or sorry for me or grow weary of me.

Rejoice as I enter the dark places, as I give up on hopes, as I walk away from socially constructed thinking. I am NOT normal. But neither are the greatest minds in history.

I do not fit in, but neither did anyone who paved the way for progress.

I am in a position, in THIS position, of darkness and complete openness, openly sharing my evolution, even if it makes me look stupid. I’m doing it because it heals me and it will heal you.

I am the Buddha.

I am the Red Book.

I am the New Earth.

Just a little ghetto with it and just a little bit sexy.

But wait and see what this time, this experience, births.

I can’t WAIT to see!

I’m not sure I believe in a God anymore.

Does that mean I’m saying I don’t believe in good?

I don’t know if I believe in the popular concept of a God that loves and cares for us like a father. God doesn’t care. Why would a God create us to suffer? why would a God place us here in this horrible place for people to hurt us and take advantage of us and for us to spend centuries hurting?

This morning I found myself talking to God after a really bad occurrence at work. As I did this, I was so sad because I was talking but I didn’t believe anyone was listening. I don’t know if I believe there’s a higher power who cares.

Maybe we were created by accident. There’s no way we could be placed here as a test for ANOTHER existence. And there’s no way were placed here trapped for hundreds of incarnations until we can learn certain life lessons so we can evolve spiritually. That sounds like torture.

Why are we REALLY here?

Why am I here yet I can’t enjoy this life because I don’t know how to place the social game well enough and I never feel safe anywhere?

Why give me children to bring into this horrible world?

I don’t get it.

As you can “READ” I have been feeling very down in the dumps lately. As I try to fight my way out of it, I am coming to a few brilliant conclusions that I will share later. This seems like a very dark period, but intellectually I know that all of my dark periods birth such great ideas that I can’t even deny them when they come.

They feel so permanent when I’m in them though. Like homelessness felt permanent to me. The one thing that kept me going and hopeful while I was homeless was the simple repetitive thought, “Nothing is permanent.”

I would look around at all the faces that had been living in the shelter for years and the people who were mentally ill or incapable of progressing and I would say to myself, “I’m going to leave here. Nothing is permanent.” Sometimes I believed it, sometimes I didn’t but what really worked for me was imagining that everything that I am now seeing is going to be a memory.

I tried to record every sight and sound and smell in my mind so that I can recollect it later. This detached me from being completely immersed in the situation and allowed me a more objective view.

Tonight I was feeling like I needed some help managing my emotions and I tried several self care techniques but none of them worked. So I called a crisis hotline and by speaking aloud the techniques I was trying, it reminded me of a few that I hadn’t tried yet.

Usually the best technique for me, to pull myself out of a down period is to create something that will help others. So tonight I wrote a short piece on carpal tunnel because I am experiencing those symptoms, sadly. I also wrote a piece on How to Ask For Help which was very detailed and awesome, if I do say so myself.

I even reached out to someone despite my fears that they would reject me. i did this because I really, really need a hug and although i am afraid to ask for one, I need it so i did.

I feel so much better now! I feel like I could celebrate with some icecream.

There are a lot of transitions happening in my mind right now and I need help or at least the opportunity not to think about them, maybe have some FUN and just be a woman.

I’m hoping that this happens soon.

I need to be refreshed.

Freak.

I am nowhere near as emotionally distraught as I was last night. An early morning call from a very interesting person woke me up to new possibilities.

Then I was finally able to relax my heart after 2 days of fun filled anxiety as I enjoyed the fact that one of my dreams came true.

See, I am a user of crisis hotlines. If I’m feeling to the point where my negative emotions are telling me that I am useless in this world and I begin to BELIEVE it, I have to reach out to someone and my friends, besides Mimi, aren’t good people to call. The hotline I call is an awesome resource because I am speaking with a trained counselor who has some knowledge of therapeutic models and so do I. Even though I recognize the models/techniques that they are using it is beneficial to me because then I will remember to use them on myself when I am self counseling my way out of an emotionally stressful state.

So my dream came true in that- I organized my own emotional crisis hotline for my website. Now my website offers a SERVICE which adds so much value to it. I’m not just selling a product. In fact, I don’t sell ANY products on the site, my site is about GIVING to women what I wish I had.

Last nite I appreciated my crisis counselor so much that I had to turn around and try to give it to women. I haven’t received a call yet but I’ll let you know how it goes when I do.

I am going to try to do something besides work on my website but the truth is, its all I can think about. When I’m off work in the middle of the week I try to do as much as i can with it because the weekends I know I’ll be tired.

I am so proud of what it is turning into. It’s not just some vanity site disguised to sell my products. This site is really FOR women.

I am so tired. I’ve been thinking and planning and hoping and daydreaming about (Censored) all day long. Maybe tonight should be about laughter.

Hope I find a good independent movie on Netflix.

I had an awesome day with my sons today.

Being with them is like being born again and living in paradise. They laugh at my jokes. They listen to me. I get to share wisdom with them and watch them grow and I am so proud that they are my seed.

If you ever get a chance to have children, it will be your most magical blessing.

Sylvia totally gets on my nerves.

Yesterday she brought up the fact that I have green eyes and what my heritage might be. Ugh. I have never honestly given it much thought, like intensely. I don’t get to see my eyes much and I forget that they are different until someone makes a comment about it.

The other night at work a customer said to me, “You have beautiful eyes.” I thanked him and said, “You know, I kinda forget about them until someone mentions it.”

He looked at me and said, “Whenever you’re having a bad day, just look in the mirror.”

I blushed.

But really, as far as I know, I am a black woman.

“Daddy says you have some Puerto Rican in you,” my son said the other day.

“Your daddy bumped his head. I’m from AFRICA.”

Right?

Right.

I won’t get emotional and think about how much intermingling was going on during slavery and I could have been a part of that.

But all day today I have been wondering who touched who and why and where and what really happened. I always considered myself to be special because I am black. I mean, only the best of the best survived that notorious boat ride and then survived the slave trade and then survived slavery for hundreds of years.

I believe I am the product of strength and will and resolve. Somewhere up my family tree there’s a woman who was so smart and so cunning that she made an awesome life for her family, who gave birth to she who gave birth to he who spread the seed that made me.

Hmm. I haven’t spoken to my biological father in a long time and I do not want to.

It’s like, almost 4am and I’m up, as usual, trying NOT to think about things and distract myself by watching a movie.

I’m watching Cherry The Movie and its a coming of age story about a virgin boy who goes to college but its not like most “penis in an apple pie” type of movies, it’s different.

I’m feeling it.

It’s making me remember back to my own undergraduate days. Back to figuring things out on my own, back to my sexual escapades, back to failing classes and getting pregnant and sororities and fights with friends and out of town road trips and being confused about everything.

and it’s making me think about my own kids. Man, what a life I’ve had. i’ve been the star of my own journey and although i desperately want to make sure my sons are equipped with important information so that life doesn’t make them go crazy, I have to learn to let go and let them live.

for all the faults and flaws and tragedy I’ve experienced, its all made me such an awesome and strong person. I rarely admit that aloud so you get to hear it first but I know I’m brilliant, strong and wildly creative. I am sexy, pretty, blessed and a SIREN.

I have to let my kids find their way too. I want to hold them in my arms and protect them from all the bullshit in the world and mold them into strong men but I can’t. They have to fumble and bumble about a bit and then they develop their muscles on their own.

so I’m here right now, taking a break from watching the movie because for the hundredth time, the internet connection went completely out so I have to wait for it to reload.

I love this bed. I feel like a queen when I’m in it. I love that I can close the door and not come out until I feel like it. I can be naked if I want. I masterbate every day. Oh yeah! Its so much fun! I think about him and how I want to slap him in the face and jump on his, you know, and make him beg me for more and kiss my feet. I love when I have that fantasy.

I love that I work nights because I’m here all alone during the day. I love that I can pay my bills in advance and go out to eat when I feel like it. I love that I have cereal in my cabinet and hot tea to drink. I love that I am.

Like, I am. Like, I swear I do some crazy shit but I always pull through and you know what? i knew that before I began the project. That’s what gave me the courage to do it- I knew- that i would pull through. But that shit was harder than I thought and I died in the process and I came out on the other side a completely different person and I’m trying to figure that new person out. But I like her.

I like her zeal. I like her attitude. I like her non willingness to be what others want her to be. I like the fact that she doesn’t bother anyone and no one can complain about anything except that she won’t play the role they hoped she would play in their lives.

I’m over that. I’m over demanding that someone be what I want them to be. I only hurt myself when i do that. Now, even with Sylvia, who I want to curse at sometimes, I just laugh and understand that she does love me in her own way and I accept her love whenever she wants to give it and how she wants to give it because its sincere.

And I do the same with you.

And I hope you give me the same respect.

And I’m numb to the emotions most people experience everyday. Frustration over why others won’t be more like ME? Nah. Not even. How could I expect that? Be you. Let me watch. I wont judge. I may laugh cuz you’re corny as hell but it’s not a critical laugh and I’ll walk away and not think about you again.

Man, my mind is replaying the poem i wrote. It’s a gruesome poem about social anxiety but I love it! It’s eerily beautiful to me.

Listen.

what a cray day!

I stayed up all night last night because I wasn’t tired. I watched a movie, posted some articles and did research to find more awesome women to profile. I think my head is tired from thinking and I feel like I’m living my life in a fog.

Oh wow. Last night I was on facebook and a friend of mine posted something about how she’s not gonna let the devil get the best of her or something like that and a man commented that there’s no such thing as the devil and the devil are negative thoughts. I love what he wrote so I commented about that and then I looked at his page and read his bio- OMG!

Dude has like 5 degrees and travels and speaks at conferences and does research and is an existentialist like me. So I emailed him asking him if he’d like to chat and share wisdom and he emailed me right back and we went back and forth discussing epistemology and how it has impacted our faith and beliefs.

Then he must have gone to sleep because I didn’t hear back from him until 6am and we continued our conversation until I asked if he could send me some samples of his current research. He wrote me back with his phone number.

I debated for a little while because it was very early, before 7am and then I picked up my phone and called him and we ended up on the phone for over an hour. I did most of the listening as he bragged about his career and his lifestyle and his personality. He sang opera for me. He performed one of his poems and he even spoke a couple words from the 8 languages he speaks.

He says he’s won 5 lawsuits and he never even been to law school although he does have his PhD. He never paid for any of his 5 degrees and he doesn’t believe he’ll have to pay for law school, which he plans to start in the coming year.

I was impressed and amazed by his resume but his personality was so LOUD that all i could do was sit quietly, listening hoping for some wisdom. When I shared with him that I have social anxiety he was like, “WHAT?! Don’t let them scare you!”

“I think I’m just anxious about being misunderstood,”I explained. “Nobody thinks like me or understands the way I make decisions or take risks.”

I laughed, I felt scared, I was encouraged, I was delighted and even a bit perplexed by this man’s personality. It was so STRONG. I didn’t save his number in my phone- I don’t have ANY man’s number in my phone right now, but I think we’ll just be cool on facebook and if I ever have a question or need help with future research he’s someone that I know I could call.

My job had me scheduled to work the swing shift today. I hate working that shift because I don’t understand how to relate to the people who come in. Overnight guests are my thing. I feel them. I know how to handle them and I do very well when we’re busy but today I was feeling like I was working but I wasn’t really there. I felt like I was floating.

My last table had such a bad attitude. The woman in charge was so demanding and complained so much that I had to put my charm into overdrive in order to serve them. It worked! They left me $10 and I think it had to be because I wouldn’t get emotional with them. When I’m serving and customers are in a bad mood, I switch on my “hey, life is okay. I want you to be happy so let me take care of you” vibe and I give it out strong and hard and I look them in the eye sincerely and I whisper I LOVE YOU in my spirit and I send out lots of love to them so they FEEL ME and they do. They always do. I’m really good at handling tables who are upset.

When I’m serving, I sometimes wonder what being a waitress is teaching me. After listening to this man go on and on about all of his degrees and how he’s doing everything I once dreamt of, I felt kind of sad feeling like I’m wasting my talent by being a server but for real, I do feel that this line of work is preparing me for something else.

I HAVE to smile. I HAVE to still perform no matter how nasty people are and how they try to complain so they can get free stuff or how much the other people working with me have bad attitudes. I STILL GO OUT THERE WITH A SMILE.

I have to. Because the next table didn’t do anything to me so why take out my frustration on them.

I wish I were stronger though. I wish I could see my own strength in life, not as a risk taker, I know I can do that, but as a woman, quick to action, making the right decisions, surrounded by people who care for me and love me because I take good care of them.

This down time, this alone time, I wonder what it’s for. It’s been years and years of damn near isolation and I have no desire to be social yet I wonder what I’m learning from this.

For real, you know what I want to manifest? A day out with someone I enjoy being with. Good food. Laughter. A nice gift for me. Being called beautiful. Butterflies in my stomach. Kisses. Touches. Orgasms. and then, breakfast in bed.

Ahh.. Dreamy.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

Every damn day I’m looking for awesome women to profile. Every damn day I’m impressed and amazed by the things women do.

Every damn day I struggle with the idea that I am now only half hearted in my attempts to be great. I don’t really care about great anymore. I don’t desire the awards and fame and shit. I just want to be able to see my kids more often and to have great meals and great experiences with them.

But the other part of me is screaming, “Tee, you are no different than these women who used innovation to bring about their success. You’re just as smart- TRY HARDER.”

But then the other half says, “Who cares what anyone thinks? You’re not a saviour. Just have fun doing what you’re doing and as long as you can spend time with your sons and they know you love them and are there for them, the rest doesn’t matter.”

So I end up having an entire internal dialogue with myself.

“I can do so much more than I’m doing right now.”

“Yeah, but at what cost? You’ve already missed so many important moments with your sons. They barely remember when they used to live with you. How much more are you going to miss out on trying to make a difference in the world? Try making a difference in THEIR world.”

“I hear you but, it’s just, I have to do this. The things that I am gifted to aren’t average things. They make significant change in environments. I am not an average woman who cooks and cleans. I have world changing dreams because that is my destiny. I can’t hide from that or belittle myself because I have no desires for that anymore, can I?”

“All you do is dream. You take risks and it doesn’t pay off. You keep trying but nothing ever happens. You’re mentally ill. You think you’re special and you ARE but maybe not in this lifetime. Do you really think you can handle THAT life? I mean, the hidden agendas, the secret alliances, the quest for domination- you’re not like that. That’s what they do. They try to get as much as they can under the guise of helping people and you don’t care about that, you just want to be useful. Be useful to yourself. Your current job is enough. Just work there until it’s time to go and then, go, but don’t make anymore risks like you have in the past. It’s pointless. Give more meaning to the time you spend with your sons. Give more definition to the relationship you have with yourself. Those are the most important.”

Anna is now selling Pleasure Toys. I mean, I bought a vibrator once in college but I think I used it once and then I didn’t know what to do with it at that point so I never brought it out again.

So tonight when she called me I said, “I have been going through your website and I have no idea what to buy to support you girl.”

“Well, what do you like?”

“I don’t know. I just,” I paused not sure what to say. “Are there any toys for lesbians?”

“Do you need something for you and your partner?”

“Girl, you know I don’t have a partner it’s just, I don’t think I could actually enjoy inserting a fake penis inside of me. What’s that about?”

“Well, there’s lots of other stuff.”

As I went through her website with her we talked about all the ways women can please themselves but I think she mainly wants to target couples and teach them how to use toys to enhance their secks lives. But I’m not in a couple and I don’t foresee that in the near future so I don’t know what to do because I can’t imagine using a toy to enhance my private time yet, I have lots of private moments.

These toys are confusing to me.

What should I buy?