As you can “READ” I have been feeling very down in the dumps lately. As I try to fight my way out of it, I am coming to a few brilliant conclusions that I will share later. This seems like a very dark period, but intellectually I know that all of my dark periods birth such great ideas that I can’t even deny them when they come.
They feel so permanent when I’m in them though. Like homelessness felt permanent to me. The one thing that kept me going and hopeful while I was homeless was the simple repetitive thought, “Nothing is permanent.”
I would look around at all the faces that had been living in the shelter for years and the people who were mentally ill or incapable of progressing and I would say to myself, “I’m going to leave here. Nothing is permanent.” Sometimes I believed it, sometimes I didn’t but what really worked for me was imagining that everything that I am now seeing is going to be a memory.
I tried to record every sight and sound and smell in my mind so that I can recollect it later. This detached me from being completely immersed in the situation and allowed me a more objective view.
Tonight I was feeling like I needed some help managing my emotions and I tried several self care techniques but none of them worked. So I called a crisis hotline and by speaking aloud the techniques I was trying, it reminded me of a few that I hadn’t tried yet.
Usually the best technique for me, to pull myself out of a down period is to create something that will help others. So tonight I wrote a short piece on carpal tunnel because I am experiencing those symptoms, sadly. I also wrote a piece on How to Ask For Help which was very detailed and awesome, if I do say so myself.
I even reached out to someone despite my fears that they would reject me. i did this because I really, really need a hug and although i am afraid to ask for one, I need it so i did.
I feel so much better now! I feel like I could celebrate with some icecream.
There are a lot of transitions happening in my mind right now and I need help or at least the opportunity not to think about them, maybe have some FUN and just be a woman.
I’m hoping that this happens soon.
I need to be refreshed.
Keep hanging in there, Tee. You're doing the right thing.
And there *is* a God. Just because we don't have all of the answers and things don't seem to make sense doesn't mean there is no God. The Earth looks flat from where I'm sitting, but it's not, it's round. If I just rely on what I can see and what I can understand, I will limit myself unnecessarily.
Hope today is already a better day!