Month: September 2011

For right now I believe that we humans and animals exist in a spiritual realm and that in this physical realm we are only seeing the physical casings.

Like, we are all spirits housed in physical bodies and through chance and happenstance we connect. I believe the aching we experience for love is the desire to remain connected to a whole. Like, we are all one spirit, split apart like split atoms and we desire to connect with each other through sex, through love. But, with the social conditioning and expectations cast upon us by society that cause things like self hatred and anxiety and greed, we forget our connection and we fight with each other or walk past connections that could have been beautiful if we weren’t so afraid of losing or being hurt. Losing what, though? Losing our dignity, our “stuff” or being hurt because we are being vulnerable.

What is vulnerability anyway? It’s exposing our weak points, our soft spots to others knowing they have the capability to hurt us.

I do that all the time in my writing and on my videos. I am vulnerable. I show the sides of me that would cause you to judge me. I do not make myself appear perfect. I show my flaws and my weaknesses so you can see yourself and feel better about who you are.

I was thinking about how humans exist in the spiritual realm and how we are all so engrossed in judging each other based on our physical casings, which are merely transportation. Then I started thinking about all the missed connections Ive had since I am not a social person.

I must have missed opportunities to grow because of my anxiety. I must have missed the chance to heal and to be loved and to smile and laugh- all because of my fear of being misunderstood. I’m not the type that likes to explain myself so I don’t like telling people about myself or answering questions. I don’t ask questions either. You can tell me as much or as little as you want. I won’t pry. I won’t force a friendship. I’ll leave you to be who you are.

Sometimes I marvel at the mysteries of life and human interaction. Like, if it weren’t for your title could you have been my friend? If it weren’t for your race, could we have made a connection? If it weren’t for your desire to conquer and control, could you have made a different contribution to this world?

What did I miss out on when I didn’t reply to that email? What did I miss out on when I cursed that man out instead of listening to what he had to say? What lessons did I skip when I automatically assumed that you would never appreciate the fullness of who I am?

I am a bright star, hoping for a connection, a true one, but not pushing for it because I am basically content to shine alone, selfishly exposing my light to those I choose- out of fear.

It started with lots of numbness. I would feel my hand fall asleep a lot. My right hand in particular, all the way up to my elbow.

Then as I started working again, I would find that my fingers would freeze up. I had to ask the dishwasher to open jars for me when my sidework required me to refill the salad dressings.

Now, I’m a little scared. I’ve been creating books, videos and writing with my hands for so many, many years that it seems I have carpal tunnel syndrome and even though there are exercises to help ease the pain, there is really no cure.

What if you were a vocalist and your throat became infected? What if you were a seamstress and you lost an arm?

I write. That’s what I do. I type without looking at the keyboard and it’s like magic as i watch the screen and my thoughts are articulated so perfectly. I don’t get the same magic when I speak. I’m trying to rest my fingers as much as possible. I massage them all the time, even at work so they’ll be loose. I don’t know what else I can do besides pray for a miracle. I have so many more articles to write. I have so man more books left in me. Even as I type this my fingers are becoming stiff which is signaling for me to stop and rest.

I just can’t lose my magic touch. I don’t know what I would do. The thought is making me so sad.

I’ve been asking myself this question over and over again.

Each time I try to answer it, I feel like I’m lieing to myself. I feel like I’m coming up with excuses but so far these are the reasons:

1) I know that this is not a long term home for me. When I think about buying clothes I immediately think about what I’ll have to do when I move. I have no car. I can’t move lots of stuff in a taxi. I don’t want the hassle of trying to make multiple trips to a new home in a taxi if I have lots of stuff.

2) I don’t socialize anyway. Where am I going? I don’t date. I don’t hang out with friends. The only time I’m bothered by not having clothes is when I go out with my sons and I’m so used to looking EXTRA pretty when I’m with them, but I can’t because I don’t have any clothes.

3) I don’t want the extra attention. Yes, i enjoyed being stylish and dressing up in my own personal flair before I began my project and I kind of miss being fly everyday. Yet, I kind of like being under the radar of men and women by not having pretty dresses and outfits. As much as I’d like to melt into the background, being plain helps me feel safer so I won’t attract anyone to try to get to know me or hurt me.

I desperately need a new bra and underwear. I can’t bring myself to go shopping for those either. I can’t WAIT to throw this sports bra away. Although it is comfortable it reminds me of my project and I try not to think about that. I’ve only bought one nightgown to sleep in and I can’t really wear it at home because it’s not suitable to wear outside of my bedroom because there’s a man in the house. I rarely even put it on because I know that when I need to go to the kitchen I’ll have to change clothes.

I had a dream that I went shopping at KMart and I found this really cute dress. It was black with wide yellow stripes like a bumblebee and it was strapless with a little purple ruffle on the bottom. It was form fitting and oh so cute. I felt so happy when I found it!

Then I woke up.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I used to be so pretty but I don’t even try anymore.

At the beginning of this year I was out strolling through downtown Hollywood when my sons and i came across a tarot reader. I shelled out the 5 bucks and got a reading and he predicted something very unusual.

Now that I’ve had many months to think about it, his prediction was correct. He said that I would have a huge career change- I am no longer becoming a counselor. He said that my new career path would be in full swing by the summer. Sure enough, this entire summer was spent involved in my journalistic project as a offset of my work on my website.

He also predicted that I would experience a tumbling down of some major beliefs that I thought were true but really weren’t. Now that I think about it- damn, he was right. At the time of the reading I was in grad school, about to finish my final semester and trying to figure out how to make some money while i do it. I could have sworn on a stack of Bibles that maybe I could become a Christian again and that the world was largely good and people were basically helpful with pure hearts and intentions.

Now, I don’t believe any of that shit anymore. My heart grieves by the encounters I had during that project. It changed my whole worldview and I no longer want to be a part of leadership or anything like that. I can’t be phony or manipulative and I wont change just to experience what the world calls success. I can’t change. I’ve tried but it feels so wrong to me.

So yes, when I drew the TOWER card in the reading it was correct. My whole world flipped upside down. I no longer communicate with my childhood bestfriend, I have lost the desire to be close to everyone and my goals are very dim. I still have goals, but I am not pressed to achieve them. At most I daydream about having my own place where I can walk around naked and pay my bills through owning my own business and pushing it to prosper but still, if it doesn’t happen, I won’t beat myself up about it.

So anyway, enough background, a couple of weeks ago I found that tarot reader and got another reading. I asked 3 questions this time, not out of an extreme desire to know the future, but really, since he had been right the first time, I was kind of curious to see what he’d say and if it would come true.

I asked about my career and he said that I was now building a foundation for the rest of my career and that things would really take off for me by the time the new year arrives and in the following 3 months. He suggested I start a network of women. I found this to be strange since I never mentioned what my career path was or that I had started an empowerment website for women. His suggestion was on point but I am honestly puzzled over how to get strong women to help.

I asked about my disasters with men. “Please tell me if this is my fault that I keep meeting men who hurt me,” I asked him after a recent incident at work. “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No,” he assured. “It’s not your fault and you’re doing nothing wrong. Believe it or not, these experiences will help you in the future.” I was so annoyed by that response.

Last I asked him about the older man I met during my project. He was the one who changed my whole view of men. Now, when I meet a young man, I am turned off and even if I am interested it only lasts for a day or so. “I want someone 50 or older,” I told Sylvia. “I really liked the way I felt with him.”

He told me that the older man was indeed a good guy. “He is a teacher,” the tarot reader said. “And he’s very good at it. He’s going to be a very important part of your life as he’ll help you to have more confidence in yourself as a woman by treating you well and he’ll teach you how to enjoy life and have fun.”

I was shocked. First of all, me and this man haven’t seen each other in over in a month and there are no signs that I can see that we will ever see each other. Right now he’s a good memory, but the emotions behind how I felt when I was with him are almost completely gone. It’s kind of like a towel you get out of the dryer, after a few minutes in the airconditioning, it’s almost completely cold. That’s how I feel about him now yet, we do exchange emails every so often. I like writing with him, sometimes I flirt, sometimes we just talk shit. It’s fun.

I have no idea if or when I’ll ever see him again. The wild thing is- I asked the tarot reader if our relationship or friendship would be long term and he said- No.

I learned earlier this year that all predictions aren’t set in stone, the predictions indicate what would happen if you continued on the path that you are currently on. If you keep thinking the same thoughts and moving forward with your current plans- this is what you’ll end up with.

Then my mind went off on a rampage like it usually does when i start asking questions that have no concrete answers. I wondered if I could love someone if I knew from the beginning that we weren’t going to last. How much emotion could I really put into it knowing that either he would hurt me or I would meet someone else?

That reminds me of that movie, The Timer, where people could elect to buy a TIMER to wear that would countdown the exact time they would meet their soul mate. What would you do in the meantime? Would every relationship be a time filler until you knew your ONE would arrive?

All interesting questions. I guess we won’t know the answers anytime soon. But I’ll let you know what happens.

Wow. An old friend from elementary school posted this pic from her 11th birthday party at Six Flags. I remember that day, we were all school friends, neighborhood friends and we pretended we were cousins too. It was all about love back then. What happened to that? At what age do we begin to be competitive with other women instead of being friends with them?

I know myself and I know that I am not too friendly with other women because I don’t really want to hear them complaining about life all the time. I want to hear good stories, I want to learn new things. I don’t want to hear about every little thing that upsets you and really it’s mostly stuff you’re doing to upset yourself. I’ve noticed women create drama in their lives so they can have something to talk about. It becomes like a competition to see who has it worst. Sorry, I used to be like that but I don’t want to be in that competition anymore.

So no, I’m not friendly and I’ve learned how to have fun by myself and how to be alone and I’m good with that. Things don’t upset me anymore like they used to. I’m not afraid of things like I used to be because I’ve been to the bottom so I know what it’s like. It doesn’t scare me anymore.

Whenever anyone says something to you, you can pretty much gauge how they feel about themselves by the energy behind what they are saying. Like, if someone tries to say something insulting, you can tell that they are hurting. They want you to hurt with them. It seems to be a natural reaction to being hurt that I can’t grasp onto. I can’t get upset about it anymore, I just imagine what they are probably hurting about and then I try to send them extra love energy.

If I’m hurting, I keep to myself. I don’t answer phone calls or go anywhere where I’ll be around people because I don’t like sending that energy out. I wish others would recognize the same, but really, who am I to try to make people mature?

Tonight I’m feeling really peaceful. it’s almost Monday, which means I get 3 days off from work. It’s not like I’m going to do anything special, it’s just, I enjoy being home during the day by myself. If I could, I’d let the dogs out to play, but then I don’t want to be responsible if they run off or something. Watching them play relaxes me.

I don’t know. It’s weird but, seeing so many people interact in a chaotic way makes me appreciate myself more. Like, I don’t have to be uptight about anything. I am nothing, I recognize that. My existence is nothing, so I’m not under any pressure to be great or meet anyone’s expectations. I’m just chillin and doing the things I love to do- all the time. It’s a very simple life and I enjoy it. I’m a waitress, I come home and I hang out by myself. No added drama at all. I don’t bother anyone and I love that it’s like this.

Are you happy right now? Are you frustrated by life? I know, there are some things you feel you NEED to happen in order to be happy or successful but really, once you let go of NEEDING that thing to happen, you’ll have way more peace.

At the root of everything, that is what you want- you want peace. You may think you want a new car or a better paying job but you really want peace of mind. You can skip the steps it takes to buy this or achieve that and just decide to have peace right now.

~sigh~

It would be so nice to meet some mature women who understand this and aren’t bogged down by the need to create drama in their lives. I’m over that. I’m too old for that. I want laughter and smiles and fun.

And NOTHING has to happen in order for you to be happy- all you have to do is:

Stop demanding that others be what and who you want them to be.
Stop demanding that you become who you think you should be.
Stop deliberately exposing yourself to things or people that irritate you. You’re hurting yourself on purpose for entertainment. That’s silly.
Stop comparing yourself to others- just because you would NEVER do that, doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing for someone else. Your way isn’t the only way. Accept that.

Just relax. Be who you are. Allow others to be who they are, even if you don’t agree. Stay away from them if they irritate you, you do have a choice.

Just relax. Show people you feel good about yourself by allowing them to feel good about who they are.

I’m on another vibe right now. I feel high without taking any drugs. I had a good night at work and no one can take that away from me. It was totally a surprise because I hate working the swing shift and tonight, I got to work with my favorite manager, this cool ass Haitian chick and one other girl who is so mellow, I forget she’s there sometimes.

I had a great night and I’m hoping to have some good dreams too.

All my love to you.

~hugs~

So here I am, at 4am still up. Ugh. I hate this. It’s not that I hate staying up through the night, it’s more that I am so tired but I can’t sleep. Last night, err, yesterday morning- whatever- I worked all night and then when I got home around 6:30am, I didn’t fall asleep until well after noon. I had to get right back up at 4 to go to work. That’s why I hate the mixed shifts during the week. I’m seriously hoping for a set schedule so I can get better rest.

So tonight I’m up and I’m writing because dammit- I can’t seem to shake this desire for new friends. I just want to meet someone who is not confused about life. But I can’t imagine it happening because I don’t ever give anyone new a chance and they tend to get very upset with me. But not as upset as I am at the fact that I don’t have people to have peaceful exchanges with.

Why don’t I make new friends, talk to people and open up about what’s happening in my life? First of all, my blog is my outlet and I don’t like telling stories that I’ve already written about. Secondly, I just don’t value people’s opinions that much. I’m not going to talk just to talk. For what? I don’t complain to people who can’t do anything about it. A whole conversation- Thirty minutes of complaining for entertainment- I’m over it. I really want someone who loves to learn and to grow.

I have considered that maybe it’s not in the cards for me. I won’t put any effort into making new friends and I don’t really accept the advances of others so maybe I’m meant to be alone with my studies. It’s just, I feel like no one understands that this world isn’t that serious. People get so caught up in things that they feel they should have control over and when they see that they don’t they get agitated and share their agitation with everyone who will listen. I’m tired of dodging those bullets.

I’m no longer furious about life. I don’t know if it’s a good thing that all of my passion went away. Stay or go, I don’t care. Love me or hate me, I don’t care. Be nice or rude, I don’t care. Yes or no, I don’t care.

I just don’t CARE much anymore.

This feels like FREEDOM to me. Not to be tied down by the pressures of life and the demands that we put on ourselves to be who we believe we are capable of being.

Not caring makes me feel free-

yet-

There’s no one to “not care” with me.

That would be way more fun. You know what I’m saying? In all this freedom it would be way more fun if I knew someone understood, not on a superficial, judgemental level but on a intimate personal level.

To know this type of freedom means nothing can control you.

Do you get that?

I wish you did.

I just woke up. It was a food induced slumber. I love those. I love to eat, yet, when I eat meat I sleep the hardest and I don’t really feel good afterwards. If I could somehow find a way to become a vegetarian, I would. I think my son is on his way to being that and it tickles me.

Today I did lots of research about different things. Google Plus, the social sharing site, has been a treasure trove of information to me. If I could fill a bucket with the knowledge I gain from there, it would overflow. The women on there aren’t ranting about their lives or frustrations, they mostly share information, cool images and knowledge about trends in technology and I love it.

Today I read that the FDA had approved a microchip that could be implanted into humans to hold their medical records. I shook my head as old doomsday prophecies came floating back into my mind. Then I thought, “If religion was created to subdue the masses, couldn’t their interpretation of the signs of armeggadon have been misconstrued as well to incite fear?”

I mean, to me it seems incredible that thousands of years ago someone could have predicted things that are happening now, or maybe it was just that since these prophecies have been popularized we are LOOKING for them and interpret things as though they fit the prophecy.

That’s not all I’ve been thinking about. I’ve also been thinking about liars- the people who look up my blog and then pretend like they don’t read it. I can always tell who they are because their actions change toward me after reading something that they THINK is about them. I can also see the IP addresses of everyone who reads and its not difficult to find the location of the IP address. So it amazes me that people I know but don’t talk to, read often, get upset about what they read and then act like they know nothing about this.

This blog is my spot on the web. I’ve been writing it since 2003 and I won’t stop now. Ah, this feels like deja vu. I’ve written it before after a group of people at one of my jobs found my blog and were following along in secret- secretly hating me for being who I am. That puzzles me. If you don’t like the choices I make or the way I express myself or my thoughts, then why do you keep reading? I promise, I have not googled anyone I know because it’s not that important. I did that once and what I found really hurt my feelings so I’m careful not to do it again. I feel that if you want me to see something you have on the web, you’ll tell me directly, otherwise, I’m uninterested. But that’s just me.

I love that I have this spot on the web and that I’ve kept it for so long. I used to have hundreds of readers per day then I took a long break and most of them went away. I don’t mind. I write on this as though I’m talking to my best friend. What’s crazy is, I absolutely HATE to go through the archives. Reading past stories of failures and taking risks and nothing coming from it really bothers me. but then again, it kind of lets me know that there has to be a time of relief for me coming soon because I believe in the yin and yang of life. I believe that life has a balance of frustration and bliss and even though I’ve had so many frustrating, painful moments, there has to be some kind of reprieve at some point. I wait for it with fingers crossed, knowing it will come but also knowing it will end so I’m sure to never become TOO BLISSFUL.

I’m hoping that someone new comes into my life. I hope this someone is super smart book-wise, isn’t into any particular religion and loves my personality. It would be nice to hear sweet things from this person, but even nicer if that person followed those sweet words with ACTION that actually demonstrates those words.

Oh yeah. The other night Sylvia asked me why I got the latest tarot reading. I don’t remember what I told her but after we hung up I gave it some thought and really, tarot readings give me something good to look forward to. On my own, I can’t imagine good things to look forward to these days. I don’t care much anymore. I’m passionless unless I see a woman hurting- then I’m a quiet storm.

I don’t really see past today. If I had to predict my own future based on my past, I’d say I’ll still be a waitress, bouncing from restaurant to restaurant once each restaurant becomes annoyed with me because i won’t feed into the fear they instill in their workers. I know that losing a job doesn’t mean I am worthless. It means nothing. I have no fear of the corporation I work for and especially my managers. No fear at all. I know I’m a good server. I may not be the fastest or the most accurate but my customers leave happy because I make that my priority. If a company doesn’t appreciate that, then oh well, life doesn’t end.

There’s this woman I work with who has been there for 17 years or so. I usually am throwed off by these type of people (people who work for companies for years and years- HOW DO YOU DO IT?) but I am fascinated by her. Her personality is so chatty. She’s so pretty to me. She loves what she does and she’s so good at it and that quality alone helps me to stop being so harsh on people who stay at jobs for years- they do so because they love it and it’s easier for them and they have enriched lives outside of work. I get that.

I don’t know. Tonight I’m wasting time letting my thoughts flow about random stuff and I feel good because I choose to.

He likes me.

He really, really likes me.

He walks with me. Shares with me. He pampers me.

He proposes to me, quite wonderfully. He tells me that he can’t live without me.

We go to the beach. We eat icecream. We are so freaky together and he is a perfect fit.

We love to laugh. He takes me on vacations. Oh wee! I’m pregnant and we have one beautiful son.

We laugh some more. We explore the world. I understand him and he ‘gets’ me.

When I shake his hand for the very first time, his heart flutters and he SEES me smiling up at him on our wedding day.

I haven’t said a word yet, he’s already in love.

He hasn’t felt my touch yet, in his heart I’m already his.

But then I, open my mouth- exposing the truth of who I am.

I am not his fantasy. I am me.

I am not the girl in his dream.

Sadly, he walks away because I don’t fit into the role he wants me to play.

Not knowing that there are other roles, other surprises, other delightful scenes that could have played out, had he not been adamant about controlling the plot.

Faced with the reality of mortality, I would like to present my living will.

I do not wish to be revived in the case of a natural death nor do I wish to remain on life support if I am unable to make decisions for myself. I do wish for my organs to be donated if they are working and useful. I do not wish to have a funeral where my body is on display. I do not wish to be buried. I do ask that people may hold a private gathering in my name and eat food and dance and drink.

I have nothing material to leave to anyone but these words on the screen and my life story for the past 8 years that you’ve followed and I’ve recorded quite emotionally. I am not proud of the past yet it’s mine and I can’t change it.

If I died today, my only regret would be that my sons will never know how much they meant to me. I leave behind nothing on this earth that bears a reward for my efforts but this blog will remain and I want someone to show it to them someday so they’ll be able to go back and read about when we used to live together and all the ways I grew as a woman while still trying to be a mother to them.

I wasn’t the best mom out here and I’m sure they may feel that I am a disappointment because I’m not like all the other moms. I don’t have a perm, I don’t like to socialize, I hate football and I will never be a PTA member. I can’t help who I am or that they chose to come to life through me so I hope I didn’t do too much damage.

If anything I’d want them to know this: You ain’t gotta do shit.

You ain’t gotta do nothing great in your life. You ain’t gotta get married. You ain’t gotta finish college. You ain’t gotta change the world. That shit is irrelevant.

What’s relevant is that you use this time on this physical earth to have as many good experiences as you can. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re supposed to choose a career, get married, have kids, etc. Don’t give in to that societal pressure because it’s bullshit. You know what makes you happy and following someone else’s prescription for life isn’t going to make you happy.

Life is NOT about climbing the corporate ladder or hurting others so that you can maintain your 5 bedroom house and big shiny car. Life is about discovery. This world is a playground. Go play in it for as long as you can. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

I wish I had more to leave but I don’t. All I have are these words on the screen and the energy behind them that you should be feeling right now. This energy lets you know that you are more than loved, you were my biggest blessing and you are the loves of my life forever, no matter what anyone says or what you even think.

I may have departed from this body and I’m probably not hovering over you watching you at night but that’s okay because I trust you to make the best decisions for your life and I trust that you will live an authentic life full of fun and enjoyment. I know I did. I tried the hell out of life! I tried everything I ever wanted to do- that was within my power.

I was so stupid to yearn for love when the definition of love slid out of my womb so many years ago. I had it within me all this time and I still thought it was missing.

You are the shit. If no one recognizes it, they are stupid.

You don’t need anyone’s acceptance or approval. Fuck’em. Most of them are blindly following what someone else told them to be anyway and they’re only mad at you because they can’t control you. To hell with them.

By the way, there is no hell. Don’t be afraid of that shit. Just live life in a way that makes you proud to be alive and don’t do anything that you don’t want to see broadcast on the news.

You can do what you wanna do in life as long as it doesn’t hurt others. You can do nothing at all if you want and that doesn’t make you less of a person. The shiny car, the big house- they mean NOTHING in the grand scheme of things. Look at me, did I take anything with me? Nope. If it can’t go with you when you die, it doesn’t matter that much.

Whatever love means to you at this point- I hope you know that your Mama, who fought for your to live when others told me to get rid of you- held you in her heart and ached for you when she wasn’t near. She took a bunch of risks hoping that somehow she could care for you like you deserved without having to go crazy in the process.

Just be real. Be you. Fuck the other side.

Let your real self show. Those who are supposed to connect with you, will be drawn to you, those that don’t, won’t. It’s an automatic weeding out process that you won’t have control over so don’t even try or care.

Do what you like. That’s what life is about. Be grateful and go for what you want. But then, if you don’t get it, just understand that it wasn’t meant for you to have. Make peace with it.

Always,

Mommy

I just got off the phone with my friend.

“My Mom’s in ICU,” she whispered into the phone.

WHAT?

“Yes,” she explained. “I really think, I’m helping her transition.”

I was quiet as she spoke, explaining how she heard the news soon after she started her first semester at Yale graduate school. As I listened as she described her Mom’s Cancer diagnosis and her vegetative state at the moment, in the hospital bed next to her.

“I really feel honored that you called me,” I told her. We continued talking, with me mostly listening as she shared stories about her Mom and their adventures over the years.

“Did you make peace with her?” I asked her. As most unruly artists who try to buck the system, we had numerous discussions about how we wish our parents had been different with us, not n being mature enough to recognize that who they are, made us who we are.

“Yes, I did. Last time I spoke with her I told her I loved her, she said she loved me back and we hung up.”

I am very proud of my friend and how she is handling this. She says she’s going to go back to school and create her ass off. I know she will. I wish I could be there to be creative with her.

Nothing is permanent. Stability is an illusion.

Do what you feel you need to do- TODAY.

You think you have all the time in the world but- you really don’t.